So the trip is over. It’s hard to believe the month has passed already and I’m on my way home. I haven’t actually spent much time writing about what I’ve been thinking and feeling during this time because I’ve been spending every available moment with Julian. God, I don’t know what I will do without him. We grew so close so quickly to the point where we both felt as if we were married.
Leaving this time felt so different compared to the last time, as the situation before left me feeling as if it was all over, which essentially it was. When I looked over at Ross back then I felt like that could be the last time I ever saw him. This time when I looked at Jules, it felt like we were just parting ways for a bit, almost as if I’d see him next week or something. I didn’t feel like I was being torn away from him the way I did with Ross last time. There is so much hope for the future for Jules and me, and the knowledge that we will be together again (and for the rest of our lives) keeps me calm and confident.
I actually find it somewhat difficult to talk about how I feel about Jules and I’m not sure exactly why. Perhaps it has to do with the idea that I feel completely right, happy, and comfortable with him, totally at home. I know he is the one for me–my lover, my soulmate, my husband. I don’t feel like I have to use words to prove it to myself and others because it is just so obvious when one looks at us together. This is the first time in my life where I haven’t felt the need to go on and on and on about the relationship. It is quite strange to me that I feel this way but I suppose when something is this right, it defies explanation. I almost feel blocked when I try to write (or even think) about Julian and me. As things are now, this relationship is something that just is. It is perfect, wonderful, blissful, completely right. I’m speechless. I know for certain he is the love of my life and we will be together from here on out. Now all we need to worry about is getting him to America. If that goes as well as everything seems to be going in terms of fate pushing us towards each other, everything will work out just fine.
Ever since I got over my sickness, I’ve had this strange air of confidence and calm around me. Things that normally would have caused me to freak out (stupid, mundane things,) I now look at curiously but don’t get stuck on. I’m not afraid to move across the country with no job. I have a car, a place to stay, and some money saved. No big deal. Jules will join me when he can. All those minor inconveniences that caused me so much worry and panic are just not worth the bother anymore. As long as I can remember I’ve felt like the one major goal I had in my life, the thing I LIVED for, was to find my soulmate. As long as I’ve known Jules I’ve had complete confidence that he was indeed that person to me, but it wasn’t until we became romantically involved that I knew there was nothing else to worry about. I’d achieved what I most wanted to in life, so the rest was to sit back and enjoy. Jules often says to me that we’ve found each other so all I have to do is relax and enjoy it. I really feel that’s true. This is exactly what I’ve always hoped and dreamt; I have everything I’ve ever wanted now that Jules is mine and I am his.
How many people can say that they are truly content and satisfied with their life, that they need nothing else? Many people go through their entire lives without feeling that once. And here, at age 24, I have exactly what I’ve always wanted. Anything else that happens is gravy as far as I’m concerned. Many people are also convinced that dreams aren’t meant to come true. My dream was one of the most outlandish that I can think of–to meet a charming man from a faraway land who will sweep me off my feet and marry me. It sounds like a fairy tale that all little girls dream of but would never happen in real life. The things I’ve done to make that a reality can be seen as preposterous and downright stupid–flying across the world not once but twice to meet up with people I talk to on the internet. When I try to explain to people what I’ve done it sounds absolutely ridiculous but to me it’s just natural, something I had to do. I guess what I did could be considered brave but the way I look at it, it’s just the next step. I don’t feel brave. I’m still a quiet and shy girl. I’m in a unique situation, yes, but it is exactly what I want. I don’t really know what else I can say about that. Mom always told me that when you follow your bliss, doors will open where you least expect them. This is right. Seattle is right. I have nothing to worry about. All I have to do is go with the flow and be patient. Yes, it will be difficult to be patient, I know, but at least I’ll still be able to talk to Jules every day. Although I can’t see him or touch him, our relationship will continue to grow as it always has. I love Julian with all my heart and will for the rest of my life.
I also really love his family. I was quite nervous about being with his parents because they are such high-class, accomplished people, but I didn’t feel uncomfortable around them. I quickly discovered that they are sweet, kind, caring and weird people. They are absolutely cute and adorable. I was constantly amused by their mannerisms and quirky ways. So often they seemed distracted or absent-minded, as if their minds were never really totally here, but off somewhere else, thinking of more intellectual matters rather than practical ones. I love the way Rosemary would fuss about, worrying about me not having enough clean socks or enough to eat, how she and Charles would sit down every night and enjoy wine (oh, how she loves her wine!) It was fun noticing things about them that Jules knows as such a part of them that it’s not obvious to him, such as how Rosemary will address you directly but will not look in your direction when she’s talking to you but once she’s finished she will make direct eye contact with you. Jules figures this is because she was a teacher for so many years and is accustomed to speaking in front of a large group. Also, how Charles will look at you and smile and pause for an extended moment before speaking, as if he really has to think hard before he says something. Then after something has been said, the same expression reappears, as if there’s something more, even though there isn’t. He’s hilarious in that way. He has trouble hearing and often has to have things repeated multiple times. He clears his throat with this loud hbbbrnrbln often. He also likes to fuss about the same way Rosemary does. One things I noticed is that things are very slow and casual around their house and a lot of screwing about happens when waiting for something important to happen. As Jules puts it, “There’s a lot of faffing about in the Lancaster house.” That’s hard for me to deal with because I like to go in there and get things done without wasting time. I don’t have much patience.
At any rate, I really felt at home with them, and they took care of me as if I was part of the family. When I left, Rosemary hugged me a lot and told me she didn’t want me to go, that she felt like I was finally settling in. Jules later told me she really loves me, which is a huge deal to me. I’m very happy I fit in so well with them.
And Ross…I’m not sure what’s going on in his mind now. We didn’t really have much time to talk to each other about things but it seems he’s accepted the idea that we can never be together again but still feels the same way for me despite that. I’ll have to talk to him more once I get home and see how he’s going.
I wonder how I’ll react to this separation this time when I get home. Last time I slipped into depression and it only got worse, but I had nothing to look forward to. It just felt like everything had ended. This time I have so much to look forward to, so much to do and experience. I have the move to take care of shortly after I get home, then settling into Seattle, finding a job, and more. More being…Julian coming to live with me and eventually marry me. I’m sure the jetlag will be horrendous, but at least I have good things ahead of me, so that should help to keep me from being totally depressed.
So…impressions about Australia now that I’ve been there a second time…
Perth seems a lot like home to me now. It’s become quite familiar and I’ve developed many favorites in terms of shopping places, restaurants, and places to relax. Drivers seemed a lot ruder and pushier this time than last but I was a lot more distracted last time so I may not have noticed as much then. I still didn’t get treated differently because I was American, although Jules often got a kick out of the way I said things. Of course, I reciprocated quite often when he would say things in a particular way. I especially like teasing him about “Noy!” because it’s incredibly cute. Most of the time, though, I barely even notice he has an accent because I’ve become so accustomed to that being part of his personality. It’s kind of sad really but that’s unavoidable. Chicken karaage and bubble tea and Cold Rock are still yummy. I got to ride the train this time; it was clean and well-maintained and reminded me of Portland’s trains. Very nice. The weather was fairly cool most of the time and the Aussies complained about it a LOT, saying it was so freezing. It was mostly quite comfortable for me. I tried VB (Victoria Bitter) and EB (Emu Bitter.) Both are worse than any American beer I’ve ever tried, especially EB. Gross. But at least I can say I tried them, so I can feel justified in making jokes about how rancid they are. I saw 2 dead kangaroos on the side of the road when we came back from Dunsborough but that wasn’t satisfying enough so Jules and Ross took me to the zoo. I saw some wallabies and a koala, so that should satisfy a lot of people who were disappointed the last time. I had several meat pies which I quite enjoyed. The ones in America are shite, so this was a nice treat. I drank copious amounts of Coopers Sparkling Ale and learned the technique of rolling a Coopers (it’s bottle fermented) to get the best flavor. Jules and Ross took me to a really nice Aussie pub called Queens where we had a few pints (they even had Coopers on tap!) It was a really fantastic time–we had some delicious potato wedges and shared great conversation. I actually got tired of chips after having fish and chips and chicken and chips for like 2 meals a day for a week. (Chips being potatoey fries, of course.) I bought a shitload of CDs (over 35,) 6 of which are Tripod discs for other people. Tripod’s people should give me commission for supplying North America with their hilarity. Being down at Dunsborough was a unique experience for me as I’ve never really been on a vacation away from things. Dunsborough is very small and remote, so it really felt like we were away from the world. I missed the city a lot while we were there but got to see some really spectacular things like Canal Rocks and the caves, plus many beaches. Plus, an impression of what it would be like to live with him and be married to him. It just worked so well. Oh yeah, I also tried 2 ice cream snacks that you’d never see in America–Golden Gaytime and Cornettos. Both yummy. Jules was sore a lot of the time which gave me a good opportunity to take care of him. I always felt terrible when he was so uncomfortable so I looked after him the best I could, and even then I wished I could do more for him. He really seemed to appreciate the efforts I made to try to make him as happy and comfortable as possible. I enjoy taking care of him. I ache to make him feel good and to feel loved.
Huu, it’s 8AM now and I’m getting a dull headache. Perhaps I’ll continue later when I’ve had some sleep.
