The weather was really hot and humid today…I woke up feeling a bit on the icky side and ended up feeling like crap most of the day. Tired, upset stomach, etc. I talked to Jules for a long time, crocheted, and sorted through stuff in the basement for awhile. Guh. Just a very guh kind of day. :(

Finished. I hope to one day soon see this face smiling at me with sincerity and acceptance.

This song was written by Don McLean but the version I have is performed by Josh Groban (and is far better in my opinion.) I think the lyrics are absolutely beautiful, and it reminds me of how important it is to never give up on what you find important and meaningful. Van Gogh spent his whole life looking for meaning in life (God) and eventually drove himself insane…but he trusted so much that there was something purposeful out there that he was willing to surrender himself to it.

I feel I can relate to his position in that he was quite misunderstood and he just wanted people to see things the way he did. There are just people in this world who are too “different” for others’ tolerance.

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer’s day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills
In colours on the snowy linen land

Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
And how you suffered for your sanity
And how you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They’re not listening still
Perhaps they never will…

Thirteen days left. Dear god, that’s coming up so quickly. o.o I’ve gotten a lot of things packed and sorted already…I took all my DVDs out of their cases and put them in disc wallets, which took about 2.5 hours (somehow I’ve accumulated nearly 300…I’m a media fiend of some sort.) I guess I’ll mail the cases to myself c/o Will or maybe I’ll leave them behind and get them later. The only problem is I don’t know when I’ll be driving back to Wisconsin. That’s a looooong trip. At any rate, things are going pretty well on the packing front and I think I’ll be right on schedule for being ready to go by the time I need to leave. I just don’t know if I’ll have IDLE finished by the time I leave. If I don’t, oh well, I can finish it there. I’ll *have* to, because I’m not taking that home a second time. XD

Something I sort of realized just now is that I haven’t been terribly specific about how things have been going with Jules. That wasn’t really a conscious decision, but I guess I got used to being vague for awhile to avoid upsetting people. I’m aware that there are still wounds that haven’t quite healed and that by being honest I risk coming off as insensitive…but I have moved on in my life, regained my mental and physical health, and become comfortable in the direction I am headed. There’s no reason for me to hold back.

The only problem is….

When I try to write about how I feel, I can’t find adequate words. It sounds so weak when I grasp at approximations because I can’t come up with suitable language…it’s so frustrating. I always end up coming back to the simplest of expressions…

I love him.

But…still…that isn’t enough. It’s not just that I love him, but more like I cannot exist without him. I need him, I want to be with him. He fills this space within me that was empty until we met…he has occupied this spot for the entire duration of the time I’ve known him, even before we were romantically involved. It truly is like we were two halves of a whole that got separated and needed to find each other again. We truly understand each other in ways that no one else has even come close to…and not only that…we appreciate each other for the little quirks that make us so strange and unusual to others who don’t “get” us. He embodies everything that I consider desirable in another human being: his values, interests, talents, sensitivity, compassion, romantic nature, intelligence, geekiness, physical attractiveness…everything that makes him Julian. To me, he is perfect. Not that he is a completely perfect creature, but everything about him is just *right* to me.

Oh yes, he does have a sexy accent. :3~~~~~

(You didn’t honestly think I’d leave that out, did you?)

*happyachesigh*

There is absolutely no question in my mind I am meant to be with this man for the rest of my days. Nothing has ever felt so right and so real, yet so dreamlike and surreal. I know the next month with him will be the best time of my life.

Thinking of you Julian.

I lie awake
I’ve gone to ground
I’m watching porn
In my hotel dressing gown
Now I dream of you
But I still believe
There’s only enough for one in this
Lonely hotel suite

I’ll fly, I’ll fly home
I’ll fly home and I’ll fly home

Never has being called a freak sounded more beautiful than when it is spoken from the mouth of an angel.

I had a really nice experience last night…I was extremely tired after I got home from being out with the guys but I wanted to talk to Jules, so I crawled in bed and rested the laptop on my chest, and he talked to me on Skype until I was too sleepy to respond. I fell asleep quite soon after that and about an hour later I woke up and heard the words “I love you” slip out of my mouth…for that moment I thought I was still talking to Jules and it was so natural it was beyond my consciousness… He said he’s had similar experiences where he’ll wake up and still think we’re on Skype… I’m usually very conscious of what’s going on around me, even after I just wake up, so this was extremely unusual for me. It was beautiful and special. *smile*

I went out with Brian and Jon to a place called Wendt’s on the Lake which is right on the shore of Lake Winnebago, south of town. Their specialty is lake perch, so on a Friday night in Wisconsin, this is one of those “happening” places (Friday fish fry is a huge deal around here.) Thus, we had to wait about an hour for a table and by the time we ordered I was pretty buzzed already. The food was pretty good…it’s been awhile since I’ve had fish so it was a nice change. The potato salad I had was really yellow…it resembled macaroni and cheese from a distance. It tasted good though, so I won’t complain.

After that we came back to the apartment and watched an episode of Top Gear that Jon and I had both already seen. I started getting pretty sleepy soon after that so I headed home to talk to Jules. Mmmm, very nice.

I got up relatively early this morning (sometime before 8:30) and talked to Jules again for about 5 hours, until he was in much the same condition I’d been in last night. Things are so wonderful between us and even after five hours of talking it’s still not enough…I still crave more. It’s so wonderful to be in love.

I spent most of the afternoon cleaning and organizing my things, packing up my DVDs and various other things. My DVDs take up three large boxes…so I’m thinking I might just take the discs out and put them in disc wallets and then mail the cases to myself so I can save room. But I guess I won’t have a passenger now so I’ll have the shotgun seat free. :( *sigh* Does *anyone* want to ride with me to Seattle? I really don’t want to drive that distance alone.

We’re grilling out tonight which I’m really excited about…I don’t get to do that often. Jon has a charcoal grill, so it’ll be really yummy. Mmmm.

This song really makes me think of Ross for some reason.

Save some face, you know you’ve only got one
Change your ways while you’re young
Boy, one day you’ll be a man
Oh girl, he’ll help you understand
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Oh no, oh no no no
Oh no, oh no no no

It’s been awhile since I wrote a proper entry I suppose…I guess I’ve been busier than I thought. I’m getting down to the last week of work so there’s not much downtime at all; I have a lot of loose ends to tie up before next Friday. So what have I been up to all this time? Hmm…I’ll have to think about it.

On Jules’ recommendation I went out and rented Garden State the other night, but watching it left me feeling empty and alone and really quite sad. It had a nice storyline and a beautiful soundtrack, but there was just so much unresolved in it that I felt quite uncomfortable. I also watched Finding Neverland which was pretty delightful most of the way through, but had such a sad ending. I cried a bit over that… Johnny Depp was wonderful in the film and put on a rather convincing Scottish accent. It’s hard to think of Kate Winslet as being old enough to be the mother of four, but I suppose…

Aside from that, I’ve mainly been listening to a lot of new music Jules, Ross and others have suggested. I now quite like The Decemberists, Supercar, Acre, Gravenhurst, The Killers, Kings of Convenience, Lemon Jelly, Lior, Mr. Scruff, Phoenix, Wagon Christ, and Zero7 among others. Recently since Jules has been really interested in sharing his musical interests with me I’ve been listening to less and less hard rock/metal/alternative as his stuff tends to be more acoustic/piano/folky type stuff. It’s a nice little change. Though, admittedly, there’s still a lot that sticks with me, as I’ve already heard the new Foo Fighters CD “In Your Honor” and am already in love with it. The first disc is a good, solid, hard rock experience while the second disc is much slower, more mellow, and mostly acoustic. It’s a good balance and gives you the chance to choose a collection based on your mood at the time rather than having the two styles mixed on one CD. I love it. :D The Foo have never failed to impress. I think it’s about time they came around here again, it’s been about 2 years since I last saw them, and I hunger for Dave Grohl’s charismatic stage presence, the way he jokes with the crowd, teasing us, drawing out a 4-minute song for 10-12 minutes by interjecting an insanely long solo in the middle…so long in fact, that you forget what song they were really playing…only to bring back the recognizable portion with great satisfaction. :3 I can never remember if I’ve seen them 3 or 4 times live, but I guess it must be 3. Not enough, at any rate.

Two weekends ago I began sorting through my old CDs and deciding what I wanted to get rid of. With Jules’ assistance I was able to pick out 60 albums to try to sell, most of which were of the “popular” genre from the whole of the ’90s. A lot of crap I hadn’t listened to for years. So this past weekend Jon came along with me and I was able to sell about 45 of them to two shops…which, with all things considered, is not bad at all. I got about $95 in store credit and spent some of it on some CDs that I’ve had the mp3s of for ages. I stood in front of the wall of DVDs in one shop trying to decide what to use the other $75 for, but Jon eventually pulled me away from it and shoved me out of the store. Heh. It was a really nice time just driving around with him that day, browsing media shops…I drove for a change, which I don’t mind so much as long as he tells me where to go. :3 There were a few instances in the shops where the person assumed Jon was the one selling the CDs or assumed we were “together” and addressed us collectively, but never talked just to me. I don’t mind really…I actually find it quite hilarious. That’s a sort of game we like to play with shopkeepers where we do absolutely nothing to give them the wrong impression but let them work on assumption just to see how their attitude changes. We do nothing to suggest that we are a “couple”; we talk to each other in a normal, friendly manner, but never touch. I often ask the questions in a media or computer store while he asks questions in a cooking supply store (this isn’t to fake them out, it just so happens that this is often how it works out: I want something technical while he wants a kitchen utensil.) We get a great deal of delight over watching the people assume we’re a couple or assume I don’t know anything about technology and he doesn’t know anything about cooking. Hee. We had dinner at Pizza Hut and as expected he charmed the waitress…but what was unexpected is he got another restaurant patron into the conversation (who just happened to be a PH employee.) Quite amusing.

Most of the rest of my time I’ve been either painting or sorting through my things or talking to Jules (or some combination of those things.) The other night I couldn’t sleep at all, so Jules talked to me over Skype until about 4AM. That made me feel so much better, but I still didn’t sleep at all that night. ;_; I stayed home from work the following day and tried to nap a few times, but only was able to rest without actually falling asleep. I went and got my tickets from the travel agency…the agent remembered my name! My smile was so wide and happy that he started smiling too…I was positively giddy which seemed to be pretty infectious. The agent at the next desk started smiling too. :D I think I made their day…perhaps they don’t get that many positively delighted travelers. :3 That evening I slept underneath the IDLE blanket with a fan blowing on me and slept a lot better. I did the same thing last night after a warm shower and a couple mugs of “Sleepytime” tea (chamomile herb blend) and that seemed to do the trick. I think my problem the other night was mostly that I’d been staying up too late previous evenings, drinking a LOT of wine, and painting too much (fumes.) I think Happyross will be finished the next time I work on it…and then I’ll have to wait a bit before I put the varnish on it. I would really like to be able to take that and the Jules painting with me to Seattle but I don’t know if that’ll happen. Even if they do fit, they might not be in a condition to travel that way. Hrm.

I took my car in yesterday to have the brakes checked (they were making a squeaking noise) but it turns out that something in the back was just really really dirty, so at least it wasn’t anything too bad. I drove Dad’s truck to work yesterday while my car was in the shop, which was strange to say the least. It’s a lot easier to see things sitting up that high, and with less surrounding you (a small cab.) I still prefer my car though. I guess Dad sold my brother the old truck so he can have the title in his name when he goes down to Iowa for grad school.

There’s about 18 days until I leave for Australia. God, that’s coming up so fast. I have a ton of stuff to take care of between now and then, but I know I’ll be able to do it. It’s actually quite a blessing to have a lot of things to keep me occupied so I don’t have to sit there idly, waiting anxiously for my departure date. Jules will be quite busy as well as he has two exams left to do before I arrive. That, I’m sure, will be a blessing for him as it will give his mind something else to focus on.

Something I was thinking about the other day was…in a situation like this where the travel time is more than a day…is it harder on the person traveling or the person waiting? The traveler has a lot of concerns regarding time and paperwork and such, as well as sitting for that long in an airplane, not a terribly comfortable place to be…but the person waiting has nothing to do but just that…wait. They are out of contact with the traveler during that time and for the most part have no way of knowing how the traveler is doing. There’s a lot of torture and discomfort in both instances. I guess I’d rather be the traveler because by the time you arrive, you are so exhausted and sore and the first thing you get to see when you get off the plane is the person you love most, who has been waiting anxiously for you to arrive for hours, and is happier to see you than they’ve ever been about anything. They know how icky you feel so they want to do anything they can to make you feel happy and comfortable. That makes the journey worth everything.