Okay, I just have to go on about how cool Last.fm is. I’ve been using the Audioscrobbler plugin since January on the advice of Will (though a quite delayed response, admittedly, but then again, he rarely takes to my suggestions either.) Since I sit there and refresh my stats page all the time I figured it was time I donated some money to them, and one of the nifty features you get with a paid account is being able to listen to your “Personal Radio.” Basically, any songs you’ve submitted through Audioscrobbler that they have the file for in their database, you can play as streaming audio. It does it randomly, so it’s actually quite addictive to sit there wondering which song it’s going to choose next. I’ve noticed that sometimes it will choose a different version of the song than the one I have, so I get to hear something slightly different than what I’m accustomed to. I’ve been doing this all afternoon, and it is bloody awesome.

They do their donations through paypal, so it’s easy if you already have an account set up, and you can choose the amount you would like to donate. Handy.

Last night I tried a new guided meditation called metta bhavana or loving-kindness. I didn’t feel too much afterwards, but I was able to sleep soundly for 6 hours without waking up, and another 1.5 after that. After I’d been awake for awhile I began to feel this sensation of love and joy seeping into me, and on the drive to work I sang along with the music and began to smile and laugh because I started to appreciate just how wonderful and happy my life is and how lucky I am. The feeling intensified during the walk from my car to work, as I smiled at the coolness of the air, the warmth of the morning sun, the brilliance of the green grass, the gentle breeze stirring the trees, and I thought about all the people in my life who I love so dearly. The love felt so pure, so natural, without any baggage of anxiety or uncertainty to cloud it. I have been riding on that sensation all day long, and it’s been fantastic.

“When we look at ourselves deeply, carefully, we find that most of our day-to-day problems are quite trivial. It is only our projections and conceptions that complicate them and allow them to grow out of all proportion. As we self-indulgently become caught up in our problems, they appear to grow larger and larger, and we disappear into deep states of depression and hopelessness. Wallowing in self-pity, we are unable to see that, in fact, we have created our problems and, therefore, our depressive state.”

–Kathleen McDonald, How to Meditate

I feel this excerpt does a pretty good job explaining the reason I began to meditate. It was once I realized what she describes in that paragraph that I knew I could take this into my own hands.

Jules is beginning to seem better now that he’s looking at the situation from a new, more realistic perspective, which is good. I think that was a necessary change to make…and it doesn’t have to be permanent, but I think it’s appropriate for right now. Jules is far more resilient and strong than he’ll allow himself to believe.

On a related note, my friendship with Ross continues to grow better and stronger every day. It’s become an arrangement that we’re both comfortable and *happy* with. Not only has my anxiety over my feelings for him disappeared, but talking to him has become a very pleasant and happy experience again. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to get close to him again, in a new way, without pressure. Because we both agree that it’s important to remember the past but not to dwell on it negatively, we’re able to discuss frankly many issues that would have caused a great deal of tension between us earlier. And not only discuss, but joke about the times he’s fucked me over. Heh. :3 It feels so good to be on this end of the healing process, and not the other.

Seems as though we’ll be getting together with Peter and the GB people this weekend, which should be great since it’s been ages since we’ve seen each other. Quite looking forward to that.

The Phantom of the Opera came out on DVD today so I went and got the 2-disc special edition at lunch. (Have you gotten it yet, Melissa?) Also grabbed some Thai food, mmmmmm. Yum.

For some reason or another I’m in a really good mood this afternoon. I got some stuff accomplished at work and I’m listening to The Nightmare Before Christmas. I talked to Jules for a bit this morning and plan to again after supper tonight before he leaves for class. I’m actually quite looking forward to that in spite of how anxious I felt when we first started talking today. :3

For some reason I decided to put my hair in braids today. I think it’s been about 2 years since I did that…it felt kind of cool. I got some funny looks.

We went to see The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy this afternoon. It was “okay” at best…certainly nothing great. The best part of the movie may have been the animation sequences where they explained parts of the guide, particularly the part about the Babel fish. Or when they showed a guy painting Ayers Rock red. Otherwise, meh. :\ A shame, really.

After the dream I had about Ross the other night I felt like it was time to try talking to him again, as I felt that the things about him that had been holding me back from moving on had dissolved. Five hours of conversation confirmed my suspicion, much to my relief, as he objectively helped me work through several difficult questions I’d come up with. My list of eight stumbling blocks has been reduced to two interrelated items now, so at least I have a narrower range of things to focus on. Hopefully meditation and reflection will help me deal with them in a satisfactory way, otherwise I’m not sure how I’ll be able to get past them. In the end, it may come down to actually having to be with Jules in person to solve them…but if I look at things this way–I’ve come an *extremely* long way in ten days alone–it doesn’t seem that bad. Things are getting better at a rather fast pace in the scheme of things, so I’m feeling rather positive about being able to come to terms with my remaining issues soon.

That being said, I love you Jules, and miss you terribly. Soon, my dear, soon.