I felt pretty sick this morning so I decided to work from home instead of going in. It turned out to be a really good idea as I was able to get a lot done despite how I felt. It was a bit silly to have wine and stay up too late when I know I’m still not feeling great. *sigh*

I felt a bit sad after lunch…there was no particular reason for that, but it was this wistful kind of sadness where I was thinking about things from the past and things to come in the future and I couldn’t focus on the present. I guess that was mainly because of the way I felt physically, and I was slightly upset that Jules had gone to bed with a terrible headache (poor guy.) Ross talked to me for awhile and tried to cheer me up but some part of me was stubborn and wouldn’t submit to his words, as kind as they were. *sigh* So I tried to have a nap and couldn’t sleep but at least was able to rest a little, and by the time I got up again I was thinking more positively.

I hope to paint a bit this evening if I’m feeling better. Yesterday after work I bought 5 new paintbrushes for a grand total of $70. Ouch. They are rather decent brushes though, made of red sable, so hopefully they’ll last me awhile. There is something I like to do when I get a new paintbrush which I suppose could be considered odd, but there really isn’t much about me that *isn’t* odd, is there? Often times a brush will come with a plastic tube around the end to protect the bristles, so I slide that tube off, bend the bristles slightly to one side to get rid of the stiffness in them, then run them gently across my mouth, enjoying the tactile sensation of that silky softness against my sensitive lips. Mmmm. :) Once the brush has been used at all, gunked up with paint and solvent, there’s no way I could ever do that, so this is the only time I have the opportunity to enjoy the beauty of the brush’s softness. It is similar to the way I have to continually sniff at a painting if I can smell linseed oil on it. Like I’ve said many times before, I am addicted to sensory stimulation so these sorts of things send me into overdrive. :3

On a related note, last night my dad bumped into the table and knocked over my bottle of painting medium and it shattered all over the floor. >_< Luckily I had a little bit in another container so I’m not completely shit out of luck, but I’ll have to wait a week to get another bottle shipped to me. I could tell he felt really terrible about it and he offered to pay for the replacement. This is something I think I normally would have been really upset about but I found myself saying “It’s okay, it was just an accident. It’s not the end of the world.” Ah, thank you meditation and new positive outlook, you are so kind to me.

Slightly over a month until my trip to Australia. I’ll let the guys count down the days for me…

About 6 hours of work this afternoon. I’m not sure if I’ll stick with those colors or try something different, but at least this is a good start. My arm absolutely aches now, but such bliss is painting…

I had a really nice night with the guys and Martha. We went to the Fox River Brewing Company for dinner and Jon and I had some of their locally-brewed honey beer then traded sandwich halves…ah crap, that reminds me, I left my unfinished bit in his fridge…ah well, I’ll get it tomorrow or Sunday. It was pretty good food, but more importantly, this place uses large sheets of paper as tablecloths and they leave crayons out on the table, so we had a bit of fun drawing nonsense. After that we went to Hot Topic where I got a pack of Edward Scissorhands playing cards (in a collectible tin) and a t-shirt that says “Nessie, our underwater ally.” It reminded me far too much of Alfred, so I just couldn’t resist. I was a little buzzed from the beer at dinner, so that encouraged a silly mood. The salesman was surprisingly pushy and tried to sell me these door knockers from Labyrinth. Um, no.

After we got back, I was still in pretty good spirits, and then I saw I’d missed Jules by 10 minutes. >_< Ah well. We watched a few episodes of the new “Dr. Who”, I had a few more beers, and then Jon putzed around with MythTV for the rest of the night. At one point Brian randomly stood up, said “I’m going for a walk,” grabbed his coat, and took off for a half hour. I guess he had a headache but it was really spontaneous and not like him. Hmm.

On the drive home it was extremely misty and foggy out. I could barely see 10 feet ahead of me, and if I hadn’t known exactly where I was driving I probably would have missed my exit or driven off the highway. Nevertheless it was pretty fun and exciting. I really enjoy how the traffic lights look in the fog now that they are all LEDs instead of regular lightbulbs. The green is *so* brilliant, and it lights up the whole surrounding area with this otherworldly glow. :D

There’s no plans for this weekend so I’ll just take things as they come. I’ll have to start thinking about packing my stuff up soon, and when I think about that I get really excited, but when I actually go to start, I feel really overwhelmed and can’t decide where to start. Ah well, I still have a lot of time yet. What I really want to do is start my new painting(s). I really hope Ross has taken my reference photos…otherwise I don’t know what I’ll do.

I’m starting to feel pretty tired so perhaps I ought to sleep.

I love you Jules, always.

I’m sorry I’m acting like such a bitch. :(

At the moment I feel slightly upset. I’m not angry or depressed or anything major like that, but a few things have happened recently that have tested my patience, which actually is sort of a good thing because it gives me an opportunity to practice reversing my thought patterns from negative self-bashing to positive or neutral acceptance. It is my chance to prove to myself that I have changed my attitude rather than just saying I have. The good news is I’m far more relaxed than I otherwise would have been; I’ve stopped myself from mentally beating the shit out of myself several times even though the temptation to succumb to those thoughts was familiar and inviting.

Anyhow, I suppose that sounds pretty dramatic, and when I explain why I feel this way, it will sound pretty ridiculous, but this is what you must understand about me: I have very volatile emotions, especially where love is concerned. When I allow myself to feel, I feel things very deeply and with every bit of myself…and I wouldn’t be Anny if I didn’t. I have surrendered myself to the mercy of being in love, and there are a lot of emotional risks to take once you give up that control. This means that when I’m happy or excited or wistful, I am *really* all of those things, through and through…but when I feel frustration or disappointment, these feelings also permeate me. It takes an insane amount of effort to keep these feelings in check, especially when they occur over very minor things, things that are out of my control or are actually only petty annoyances. The danger of being close to a passionate person such as myself is that it’s not something I can just turn off. It may be wonderful when the feelings are good, but it can be pretty dark when I feel upset.

The other day I had to do something that was extremely painful and difficult for me, and I don’t quite know if Jules realizes just how hard it was for me. Without getting into detail, there was something that was bothering me about the way he was acting and I had to be really firm and difficult with him in order to get my point across. He was being a bit stubborn about it since it’s a touchy subject for him (by all rights) but I think by the end of the conversation I had gotten through to him. I know he felt really bad about the idea of letting me down because he hates to disappoint the people he loves (a huge understatement.) This whole situation has not been easy on anyone but there is no reason to sit and dwell on the negative points, it only makes things seem worse. I don’t like the idea of hurting him or upsetting him in any way, and I knew if I held my ground I probably would, but I also knew that honesty is very important and this was something that would continue to bother me unless I talked to him about it. There are things I am beginning to notice and think about now that my mind is clear and I’m not constantly thinking about how sick I felt…and it feels really odd to be considering things in a logical way given the intensity of my feelings.

Yesterday we were able to talk for a considerable amount of time because he didn’t have to worry about getting up early today, which was wonderful. It was the first time we’d been able to spend a decent amount of time together since I returned, and it felt fantastic. My feelings have shifted considerably over the last month, and it was quite exciting to notice the differences in the way I reacted to his words. I can feel myself, now, beginning to really allow myself to surrender to the emotions that have lay dormant, squashed, behind the wall (whatever metaphor you prefer) for so long, and I smile at the realization that I am, in fact, falling in love. It’s been difficult to allow myself to accept the change in the nature of our relationship, to allow myself to believe that it’s actually *okay* to be in love with him. My mind knew it for so long, but my heart was just closed off to it…but now that things have changed and I let myself be swept away by the feelings….huuuuu. It truly is the most amazing feeling on earth.

After a wistful afternoon and a supper that upset my stomach (undercooked frozen pizza, yuck) I sat down to crochet and wait for Jules to show up, as he said he’d probably be around in the early evening for a little before things got busy around his place. As time passed and he didn’t appear, my frustration began to grow. We’d had such a lovely conversation earlier in the day and I was really looking forward to hearing his voice again, but alas, nothing. I drank a bunch of chamomile tea to try to get myself sleepy, because I figured otherwise I’d be laying awake all night, and just as I was about to close my laptop, he appeared, only to disappear 15 minutes later. I didn’t really try to mask my frustration because there isn’t much point to that, and thus I was pretty short with him. The worst part was I *knew* he was really busy and had a lot of things happening at his house the last while and that his family really needs him to be around…my *mind* knew this, but my emotions kept saying “I want more…why isn’t he here to indulge me?” It is so stupid and frustrating to have these conflicting things happening in me…and that’s where the bulk of the frustration came from. I wasn’t upset at *him* over it, but at myself for being fully aware of the situation but not being able to control how I felt. When it comes to love, when things are really good, of course I want more of it because it feels fantastic, and that’s an incredibly selfish thing. It’s something I can’t help feeling though, and it takes an incredible amount of concentration and willpower to try to talk myself out of it. I went to bed right after that, and I ended up lying awake for over an hour with an upset stomach, telling myself how stupid I was being. I got up to go to the bathroom after awhile because all that tea got to me, then I lay awake for another hour or so. Of course other people need him…I can’t expect him to always just be free to be with me, even though I know he wants to. Impatience is one of my biggest faults and something I really need to work on. So I didn’t sleep well at all. I knew I probably wouldn’t get to talk to him much for the next day or so since he was going to be busy, and that made me miss him more. *sigh*

When I got up it was pretty dreary-looking outside because it was raining, but the grass was brilliant green and the trees are growing leaves very rapidly…it’s really beginning to resemble early summer now. I still felt frustration, but through that I could still appreciate the beauty around me and remind myself of how *wonderful* things are. Rain is a lovely thing indeed, and one of my favorite things as a matter of fact. It’s never a depressing thing for me, but instead tends to make me feel rather happy and alive. I always smile when I walk in the rain, except when it’s too cold out. As it turns out, today was pretty cold, but not cold enough to make it really uncomfortable. Too cold for May, though.

I just realized today is Friday the 13th. It’s also the last day of the semester for the students, so starting Monday campus will be dead. It’ll be nice having less people around but it also means there’s less stuff open, so I’ll have to start packing lunches or going out to eat more…although interim classes might actually start on Monday now that I think about it… Hmm. In any case, I only have about 20 work days left at my job, 6 of which I can take off for vacation should I choose to do so.

I feel kind of lonely today since there’s really no one around to talk to. The Perth people are having a movie night so they’re all occupied at the moment…I feel a bit torn about that. Jules told me he wished I could be there but I know my presence would make the whole thing unbearably uncomfortable. I *wish* I could be there and things could be fun and comfortable, but not right now. Things haven’t settled enough yet, but hopefully time will allow that to happen. I am glad they are all able to still hang out and have a good time together after everything, it’s a relief really. I also know things will never be the same, never be the way they were in November when I was there having the best time of my life. There will still be a lot of excitement and happiness in the future, but it is kind of sad to know that a part of something that made me so happy once is lost now. Some of it has been regained in new forms, but I have lost some things that were very important to me. It is not my place to say anything, but I hope that one day I’ll be able to re-establish some of the friendships I had only just begun to cultivate.

Happy…just so happy. :3

At the moment I’m sort of lost in thought about painting. Like I mentioned in my last entry, the painting I just started has served its purpose so I won’t be continuing with it in its current state. I have an idea of what I want to do instead, and I’m not sure how to really describe it accurately… That doesn’t really matter right now so much, since it’s just an idea. I might start on that tonight or tomorrow, depending on how inspired I feel. So I guess what I should be saying is take a good look at the painting as it is now because I’ll be painting directly over it the next time I work on it. I don’t like what it represents and since it’s no longer how I feel, I don’t think I can look at it anymore. That’s why I won’t just start on a new canvas, as this is part of my emotional state that has passed and I would be extremely uncomfortable revisiting.

I am very happy with how things are right now and I wish to express that to the best of my ability in this new painting. I don’t want to think anymore about the suffering I’ve had the last couple months, but to move on with a new outlook.

There is something that’s bugging me a lot the more I think about it these days, and I know it’s absolutely ridiculous, but I can’t really get past it. It’s something a lot of people find nervewracking in a new relationship so I know it’s not an unusual concern, but I seem to be the only one in this situation kind of upset about it. Basically, I’m extremely intimidated by the idea of meeting and getting to know Jules’ parents. The thing here is that I actually met them both the last time I was there, so I have an idea of the sort of people they are, which is why I know my concern is silly. I suppose I’m more intimidated by the *idea* of them than the people themselves, which in a way is how I feel about Jules himself. They are both extremely intelligent, highly-educated people with, frankly, a rather extensive set of credentials. His entire family speaks very properly and precisely using correct grammar and an extremely large vocabulary. Their house is beautiful, historic, and very well-maintained (aside from the doorknobs but I’m not going to get into that right now.)

Essentially, when I was there I felt a little like I was out of my league. It wasn’t really much of a concern then because I was with Ross at the time, but I felt slightly embarrassed when I would talk to them (the little that I did) because of my silly Midwest accent. It reminded me that I came from a little farm in the heartland of America from a family that had only enough money to just get by, from parents who, despite being incredibly intelligent, had no degrees beyond high school. I was reminded that the knowledge I have is only of silly and pretty useless things like X-Files trivia and while I love and enjoy art, I really don’t know a lot about art history so I couldn’t really contribute anything useful to the sort of conversation they’d have over dinner.

Also, one night I fell down their steps in the dark and twisted my ankle. Most people would probably love the attention they’d get if that happened to them, but the moment it happened two thoughts entered my head: “Oh no, I’ve ruined everything!” and “Oh fuck, I have no insurance!” I was in an excruciating amount of pain but I got up right away despite that, because I didn’t want that to bring a halt to everything. It was so bad I could barely walk at all, but I clenched my teeth and did it anyway while we went to get Rose and Siska from school…I remember the sounds of people talking in the car seeming really distant and hollow, as if I was sort of outside my body, drifting away. I’m really not sure what it was precisely that made me want to bite back all the pain and sort of pretend it didn’t happen, but I know I didn’t want sympathy or pity from anyone, and I didn’t want to seem weak, especially in front of his family. I was *incredibly* embarrassed about it, and I felt really foolish.

When we got back, I was fighting back tears with everything I could muster, and when his father offered me some ice and a painkiller, and I sat there with my legs across Ross’s lap while everyone else made pizza and watched some Britcoms. I couldn’t focus on the show, all I could think about was how much pain I was in and how desperate I was to keep it from everyone else. Even now as I write this, I just can’t hold back the tears. I’m not sure I can really explain why I felt this way because I don’t fully understand it myself, but I know it had to do with not wanting to appear in a negative light in front of them. His parents both said they felt bad for what had happened but I just wished I could erase the whole incident from existence. Yes, it was an accident and therefore no one’s fault, but I couldn’t help how I felt. I really felt like I’d screwed up *badly,* that I’d ruined their first impression of me by being a complete klutz.

What that little story should prove is that I really care what these people think of me. Jules keeps telling me that his mother is quite excited for me to be there, which makes me think he must really be saying some amazing things about me…and when Jules is really excited about something he tends to speak *very* highly of it. Based on what Jules has told me of his relationship with his family, they trust him fully and take what he says to heart. I’m sure everything he’s said has been true, as he knows me better than anyone else and has a lot to be excited about in the relationship, but I am really not an easy person to get to know. When meeting new people I tend to be extremely reserved, listening carefully to the other person rather than speaking, so it’s easy for people to think I’m stuck-up or aloof instead of just nervous. To put things simply, I’m terrified of not living up to their expectations. I know it’s really silly of me to worry about that because I know how fantastic they are…Julian would not be the absolutely wonderful person he is had he not come from a truly spectacular family.

Above all things, one comment made over and over tells me how stupid I’m being. “Look at it this way Ann, they *love* Ross.” That alone says more than anything else could, and should negate everything I’ve whined about in the last five paragraphs. I suppose it’s something I’ll only get over once I’ve actually spent some time with them and know that a doctorate or two should not stand in the way. *nervous jitter*

Admittedly, when I was younger I was very embarrassed to come from a lower-middle-class family. Most of my classmates came from middle and upper-middle-class families that could afford to buy them all manner of cool things. I had *very* little as a child…few toys, mostly hand-me-down clothes from my male cousins, and I wasn’t allowed more than an hour of television a day. I didn’t know what “cable” was until I was 11 years old. This is likely why I started stealing things when I was in first grade–a phase that got me sent to the school counselor for quite awhile–because I basically had nothing and I was incredibly jealous. When I had a job and could afford to buy things, I went way overboard with it, which seems like a direct result of this as well…as if having lots of things would make me feel more important. Well, with the exception of DVD and CD purchases now, I’ve grown out of that stage and with the cross-country move on the horizon the thought of a simpler life with fewer things is becoming more and more appealing. Anyhow, the point is, for much of my life I’ve wanted to have more than I did…my class did embarrass me. I see now, though, that my parents chose the life they have because they are doing something that they really, truly *love*–farming; it is what fulfills them. That is, of course, the most important thing in life, to create a life for yourself that truly makes you happy, but as a child that’s hard to see because your desires are a little more material than that. I have a greater respect for my parents than for people who have a lot of money but are living an unhappy and unfulfilled existence. I know that being a farmer is no less respectable than being a PhD.

*sigh*

If this is stuff I know on an intellectual level, then why does it still bother me? My heart for some reason just doesn’t agree. Ah well, in time.

As I was sitting outside yesterday enjoying the beautiful weather and thinking about all the things in my life I am so appreciative about, I considered the painting I started last week. I sort of felt like working on it but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it has already served its purpose despite being unfinished. I may or may not return to it and re-think it, but if I do that it will be completely different.

With the disintegration of the wall came the flood of emotion that I’ve been expecting all this time. I spent a good chunk of last night crying and then again today. They weren’t tears of sadness so much as tears of just “feeling.” I have, out of necessity, been pretty numb the last three months…so much has happened and I didn’t have the capacity to know how to feel. My ability to react emotionally became somewhat retarded temporarily. This is similar to the way I felt at graduation time. I had a lot on my mind and the only way to get through it was to cut myself off emotionally and just push forward. I didn’t do it consciously, it was just the natural reaction I had. Then, when it was all over, it was a single comment that tripped the trigger and got rid of the block. Well, that’s finally happened now…and I can feel again.

I came on IRC today for the first time in about 2.5 weeks. The main factor was I couldn’t see Ross on ICQ and I wanted to talk to him, but after I saw him there I decided I would stay and see how I felt. I ended up not talking a whole lot in the channel, but I did have a really nice conversation with Ross. We discussed the final remaining issue I have to work out regarding my relationship with Jules and he helped me see how ridiculous my thoughts were. The thing is, I’m well-aware the thoughts are silly, but I still have them. They are now simply a matter of habit and I just need to find a way to get over that.

Later on I got to talk to Jules, which I wasn’t really expecting as he was supposed to be quite busy, but it was really nice. I told him a bit about the conversation I had with Ross and he couldn’t help but laugh at how silly he perceived my concerns to be. It’s understandable really…but it’s stuff I have drilled into my brain and it’s going to take some work to get past them. However, I’m beginning to feel a closeness to Jules that I have not felt up until this point, which makes me feel really good. I’m relieved to be finally feeling *real* emotions again and not just knowing how I *should* be feeling over a given situation.

My absence caused both of us to react in different ways and now that I’ve returned we have feelings that weren’t present before. We’ve both stepped back from things a bit and we’re easing back into things slowly. I’m rather grateful for this as it gives us a chance to begin on more equal footing instead of one person being in a completely different state emotionally. I think this was the best thing I could have done and it will end up being a very smart decision all-around. I do feel bad that Jules had to endure the torture of being away without control over when I’d return, but he has been extremely understanding and patient about it, insisting that he would do anything for me. I know he would, and the fact that he survived this further proves that he truly means what he says.

I absolutely *love* this man.

I think the wall is beginning to crack and crumble at its foundation now. Today was the first day I felt myself truly and freely falling in love. My heart is finally beginning to catch up to my mind. A combination of solidifying my friendship with Ross, time & patience, as well as meditation on love has allowed my emotions to sort themselves out now. I’m quite happy. :D