I’m really drunk right now…just talked to Jules for hours…..so lovely. Going to attempt to paint now. Hee.

I miss you Jules. Please feel better.

Extreme and utter frustration. GRR. Need some angsty and depressing music.

Current progress. Sorry about the odd glare, but it was 10PM when I took the pic and the light was pretty crappy.

I kind of feel like throwing a temper tantrum at the moment, like…kicking my legs and flailing my arms around wildly. I’m not really upset about anything, but I’m going stir crazy just sitting here. GOD I want to paint.

I.want.to.paint.

Out of utter boredom yesterday I signed up for a deviant art account (link is on top navbar.) Yes, I was that freakishly bored. ~_~ I was submitting a lot of my old stuff and I realized that I’d grown out of a lot of the things I used to do. I look back on them and think that they’re well-done for what they are, but I have very little interest in them (mostly silly fanart and stuff like that.) I don’t generally watch anime anymore so my interest in fanart has waned a lot. Even that style…I don’t know. It’s pretty to look at, but it doesn’t suit my tastes really, in terms of my own work. It’s been quite awhile since I did any new art, mostly because of burnout and lack of inspiration. For the last two years basically the only creative thing I’ve been doing is crocheting, and sure, that takes up a lot of time, but it’s more of a crafty-type thing than actual art. My appetite for traditional artistic expression has finally returned and I feel that itch every day now to get out there and create. Sitting at work, I find myself aching for, lusting after, and desiring time in front of my easel…I’m not yet to the point where my arm starts making the motions of painting on its own, but I’m getting close (that happened often in the days where I painted for 6-8 hours a night.) I want to paint *so* badly.

Because I haven’t done much in the last while, I haven’t felt like much of an artist…I’d even begun to wonder if I’d ever do anything cool again. There have been times where I had the inklings of a good idea and get really excited about it, but nothing would come of it. Many of those are filed away now, to be used at a later time when they’re meant to be realized. But recently, now that I’ve begun this new series (actually, my *first* real series ever!) the passion has returned to me. It’s become not a matter of wanting to create, but *needing* to. I feel so relaxed, so happy, so blissful, so at peace when I’m painting; it truly is the most delicious feeling on earth. Being an artist is not something you just decide one day, it’s something that is inside you that you simply cannot *help.* I’ve realized through experience that there are dry spells where inspiration isn’t just flowing like a river, but it doesn’t mean it’s dried up forever. The circumstances in your life may just not be right for the creativity to happen…so instead of being frustrated, you try something new until you find it again. Each time this has happened and I’ve begun to paint again, I rediscover just how amazing the process is and how absolutely divine it feels to be involved in *creation.* It brings me to tears to think of how much I absolutely adore painting each time I realize it with renewed excitement.

Suddenly I recall a feeling I got back in the summer of 2002. For whatever reason I’d drifted away from art and hadn’t done much at all…I’d just learned to crochet then so I was working on a blanket. I was feeling extremely frustrated over bouts of boredom and apathy (and having been rejected romantically) and out of nowhere a guardian angel came to my rescue. It was Jules, of course. He was doing a *lot* of drawing at that time and he encouraged me to try drawing something every day until it was habit. Drawing really wasn’t my thing, but at least it got me thinking. And before long, I’d brainstormed up a few ideas that I would use in my painting class in the fall (one of which turned into Avatar.) Ahh, god. Jules was actually *there* talking to me when I conceived the major ideas for that painting, he got to experience first-hand what it feels like when I’m struck by inspiration…the kinetic, overwhelming, bursting, contagious exhilaration I feel when I cannot contain myself. He helped me come up with ideas, with the *title* for god’s sake. It may have been a product of my heart, mind, body, and soul, but it was part of him as well. That has always made it so special to me, but now, even moreso, I feel just how connected we were through that piece. For the longest time that was my child, this part of me that I nurtured and cared for until it was mature and flourishing. And Jules had helped me conceive it. *breathless*

One thing I’ve come to terms with is that although I may not be the greatest artist around, it *is* what I’m passionate about, so that is the only thing that matters. It is what I *love.* I used to be so worried about being the most perfect and talented and revered artist in whatever situation I was in, but god, that is so stupid. That was all about ego-stroking, and what a bunch of bullshit that is. Of course I still want people to love and appreciate what I do, but that’s no longer my primary objective in creating art. I now do it because I feel the need to express this passion inside me…I mean, I always *have* done it for that reason, but I no longer feel the urge to seek approval from everyone. I do it for me, because it’s in me. That’s one of the reasons why I’m feeling a lot more open to trying new styles of art such as the *extremely* simplified portraits I’m working on now. At a glance, I can see how most people would classify it as “Modern” or “Pop-art” because of the way it looks (it does have some very Warhol/serigraph qualities to it, true) and that would have *REALLY* bothered me not too long ago. I would have been completely insulted by being labeled that way. But you know what, who gives a fuck?

I used to think a lot of Modern art was shit because it was very simple and looked like anyone could do it if they tried. A lot of the artists were self-centered assholes who revered themselves demi-gods. Absolute, complete, utter EGO. Repulsive. It used to irk me the way I’d look through books on artists who developed a very recognizable style later in their careers (like Mondrian or Picasso) and I’d see how they’d begun with a traditional style that showcased their talent for portraying things realistically and then “degenerated” into what everyone now associates with them. Okay, big mistake, Ann. You were so wrong for thinking that. They had *real* reasons for choosing to do things in the style that became comfortable for them. Cubism and de Stijl existed because the artists had discovered a very particular way of expressing what was inside them. Art isn’t only about painting only what you see, what others see, in nature…it doesn’t have to be realistic to look good. So I’m fine now with the thought that I don’t *have* to create something so stunning that others will look at it and go “omfg how did you do that?!” Creating something simplistic isn’t as easy as one might think…*yes*, it’s true that it’s easy to reproduce, but to come up with something that shows just what is necessary without losing the form and meaning is easier said than done. If you begin removing elements from the design, things have to be *just* right or the whole piece collapses. Mistakes are harder to hide, so they have to be extremely minor. Jules has a great speech he can give about pixel art that is closely related to what I’ve said here. Simplicity is easy to mimic but hard to conceive.

And yes, simplicity is something I’m incredibly interested in these days in most aspects of my life, so it makes sense that it should extend to painting. My life, my mind, all of that was too cluttered and focused on complexities that didn’t have to exist. With all that’s happened in recent times the calm to be found in a life with fewer details is *very* appealing. A lot of the answers I was searching so desperately for have been revealed to me (if only in part) so I feel a lot more comfortability and stability in where my life is heading. I have a plan for myself now, something I’m excited to follow through with. I will live my life as I want to because I dared to dream. I took risks, did a lot of seemingly ridiculous things, but ultimately that worked out in my favor as I am now, unlike any other time in my life, truly *happy.* Of course that doesn’t mean I’ll stop dreaming or doing silly things…because, after all, I *am* Anny.

I *really* feel like painting right now, like creating new art. But I’m stuck at work, gah. Frustration. ~_~

The last few weeks I’ve had a craving for white rice and stirfry for just about every meal, but mostly during lunches while I’m sitting at work. Luckily today I had just that along with me in a cheap plastic Gladware container as leftovers from last night’s dinner…I figured it would be enough for two meals but after eating the first half I decided I was hungry enough to eat the second as well. Heh. Ever since I’ve gotten my appetite back I’ve been incredibly hungry almost all the time, with the exception being just after I’ve eaten. But even then I’m already thinking about food… Ah well, I’m just making up for those two months where I could barely eat a thing, and that’s just fine. I’m happy to say I’ve not been eating crap since I started eating again (since I’ve been concerned about how it would react in my digestive system) so the food I’ve been packing away has been pretty light and healthy (ie, salads and stirfrys and mashed potatoes.) There’s a new Thai restaurant within walking distance of campus so I’ve been checking that out a couple times a week (probably more often than I should given finances.) Yummmmmm.

I was hoping to paint this weekend but I didn’t get around to it as I decided to try sorting through some of my things. I gave a whole box of computer parts and electronics to Jon as well as a stack of anime CDs (most of which I probably got from him originally, but oh well.) While I was talking over Skype with Jules, he helped me decide which of my audio CDs to keep and which to try to sell. I ended up with a stack of over 50 to sell, which will be nice. It’ll be great to get the money for that and get rid of stuff I haven’t listened to in years. (There is some pretty bad crap in the bunch, as I’ve been collecting CDs since I was 11 and I used to only be into pop and movie soundtracks.)

Mmm. Friday night I spent sorting through stuff, then had pizza with my parents. After that I went over to the guys’ place and watched some stuff including the new Dr. Who ep, but I had to leave after awhile because I got a pretty nasty headache. I felt better after sleeping, but woke up early as is becoming habit for me. That’s okay though, because I’m grateful to sleep *at all.* 10 hours of tossing and turning every night for a month will make you appreciate 6 hours of solid, deep sleep, let me tell you. Jules came online shortly after I’d eaten breakfast so we started talking on Skype but the connection was really shoddy and he couldn’t hear me very well. So frustrating it made me feel like throwing chairs Jerry Springer-style. We waited a bit then tried again, and the connection was better…it turns out they’d gone over their download limit for the month so their peak-hour bandwidth was shaped. Gah. :( Dammit. Anyhow, it was just so lovely to hear his voice….so lovely in fact that 6 hours passed without our notice. :3

I called up Jon at about 4:30 and asked about dinner, but it turned out he’d already eaten with Brian and Martha before they left for a party. Gah! So I had a little serving of mashed potatoes and headed over to their place, grumbling tummy. We sat around waiting for Peter and Melissa to show up and watched a Lone Gunmen ep in the meantime. When they arrived we went shopping for some booze and I also got a salad and some chips. The salad was delicious (good choice Mel) and I ate it while she showed me how to play Double Dash. The four of us messed around with that for awhile, and unsurprisingly I sucked major ass but it was still kind of fun. Jon’s TV is far too small to accommodate a 4-way split though. Eeegh. While Peter and Jon putzed around with some computers he’d brought over, I showed Melissa some Father Ted eps which she seemed to enjoy (yay) and we had a few rounds of Warioware. I chatted with Jules for a bit off and on, and eventually Brian and Martha came back and we watched some Family Guy. By that time I was beginning to get really sleepy (I’m sure the booze contributed heavily) and they tossed in an Eddie Izzard DVD. I don’t find that guy particularly funny, so I started dozing almost immediately. Melissa woke me up twice and suggested I go home and get some sleep since I was tired (heee) and after the second time I got my things together to leave. Mel gave me a goodbye hug (aww, so sweet ;_;) and I headed home drowsily. I was a bit sad that I hadn’t been more lively during the evening (everyone seemed pretty distracted and distanced somehow) and that I had to leave early, but I wasn’t bringing much to the night for others by sleeping.

Sunday I got up around 9AM (probably the latest I’ve slept in a morning since February) and got ready to go to my brother’s grad party. One of his roommates drove down from Appleton and rode along with us since he’d spent all day driving Saturday and didn’t feel like it again on Sunday. He seemed like a pretty decent guy, studying electrical engineering at Madison and doing a summer internship at a large company in Appleton. It was nice to see all my relatives again, but I found myself sneaking away into Joe’s room before they could start hounding me about when I’m going to get married. I’ve noticed they’ve kind of laid off that sort of thing ever since my prospects have become…well…more likely. :3 After packing away party food outside on the porch (god, it was beautiful out!) I hid in Joe’s room with some beer and watched Family Guy on his computer. He’d tossed out his network key so I couldn’t use my own to get on the network (D’oh!). Ah well. The beer made me pretty sleepy, then Joe made me a whiskey sour and of course…well…yeah. I fell asleep on the way home. XD Thank god I didn’t have to drive. Unsurprisingly there was a large number of hot chix at the party, as Joe is a very sweet and kind guy who likes cooking for his friends. Hee. He always goes out of his way to be generous to the people he cares about, and they definitely notice this. He’s one of those guys who is the perfect friend for girls because of his sensitivity, but is so nice that girls would rather be his friend than his girlfriend. ~_~ I suppose a lot of his qualities are comparable to mine since we have similar values and obviously grew up rather close to each other. Therefore I can say with confidence that one day he will make some girl incredibly happy. I guarantee it.

In the evening I headed back over to the guys’ place and we went to this place called Gulliver’s for dinner. It was pretty dead in there but the service was incredibly slow. I was still pretty full from lunch so I didn’t eat much of my supper, but that turned out to be a good thing because it gave me a good, solid lunch today. Jon and I both had beer with our meals, but he drank his too quickly and became dizzy. We did little things to annoy each other and I stole a few of his fries (they looked delicious.) That’s one of the things I’m really beginning to enjoy about being with Jon…recently since I’ve been feeling better he’s been a lot more friendly and silly, and I can tell that in his own little Jon-way, he appreciates having me around. :3 Being silly with each other is more comfortable these days, and it’s a lot of fun. Brian still rolls his eyes at a lot of the things I say and do, but that’s his way. He always has, even when we were dating. I’m a bit too silly for him.

When I got home there was a note on the table that Jules had called just shortly after I’d left for Jon’s. Gah!!! I’d missed him *soooooo* much during the day…he was all I thought about…damn! And by that time he was already at class so I couldn’t talk to him. It turns out his net access was down then anyhow. ;_; I had a shower and got ready for bed, then watched an X-Files ep until I was too tired to stay awake. I left just as Will was deciding what to have for dinner. XD

I was really looking forward to seeing Jules this morning. He had Ross and Ivan collected for some LAN goodness, so they talked to me a bit and spent some time playing Raven Shield. I was grateful to talk to Jules and Ross the bit that I did but…*sigh*….I was pretty jealous that they were having such a great time, drinking Coopers (my fave Aussie beer) and hanging out together while I was stuck at work doing some pretty mindless stuff. ;_; I got a bit angsty and frustrated but they were really sweet and kind to me so I didn’t get too out of hand. It upsets me when my selfish side comes out and starts taking over…obviously I missed Jules terribly and wanted desperately to talk to him, but he had company who had prior claim to his time, so I had to be understanding about that. It’s just really hard when I don’t exactly have the option of finding something stimulating to distract myself. HTML is only just *so* entertaining, you know. Anyhow, I made do and got some work done, and Ross uploaded a bunch of photos from the evening, which kept me busy refreshing the page for about 45 minutes. Hah.

And yes, I’m *incredibly* biased, but…Ross, you are really looking fantastic these days. You’ve done so well in making positive changes in your life, both in attitude and appearance, and I’m incredibly proud of you. I love you.

I’m really craving beer now, dammit. *sigh* I do have some at home so perhaps I’ll partake after dinner. I have a shitload of CDs to clean up in my room now, as they are scattered everywhere. I also have a bunch to resurface before I can sell them.

13 work days left, 30 days until I arrive in Aus, if counts are correct. Huuuuuu.

I’m quite tired this morning but at least I got some good, quality sleep last night. I had some bizarre dreams as usual, nothing worth repeating though. I didn’t do too much last night really, I spent most of my time going through and organizing all my CDs (of which there are *far* too many.) I’m seriously considering copying all that data onto DVDs and just giving away or tossing the CDs because it would just take up so much *less* physical space. That would be a long and arduous process of course, this I know already…but would it be worth it in the end? I don’t know. If anyone wants my old CDs filled with mp3s let me know (there’s over 100 discs though, just to warn you). Instead of doing that I started cleaning off one of my data drives and burning that to DVD. That particular drive I wanted to use for video capture but it sort of got taken over by other stuff once I discovered bittorrent. It is my goal to capture all my Caroline in the City episodes from VHS tapes and make them into DVDs since it seems rather likely that series will never be released commercially. I have a Dazzle USB 2.0 analog video capture device which actually *does* work (rather well) and it actually processes the audio as it’s recording so I don’t have to pump it through my sound card like I had to on my previous capture device. I had originally intended to get all that captured by the time I went to Seattle but that doesn’t seem too likely now since I only have a month before I have to be packed. Ah well.

I wanted to start packing things last night but all I could do was just sort of stare at my mess of things. Most of the things I have I don’t use anymore but they’re still really nice things so I don’t want to just toss them and I don’t really want to just dump them off at Goodwill or try to sell them, that’s too much hassle. I’m thinking of possibly giving some of my excess stuff to Jon, especially the electronics and computer stuff. I already gave him my old Thunderbird machine and the iMac, so hopefully he’ll relieve me of some of the other stuff as well.

On Jules’ request, I took some photos of the blankets I’ve been working on for…well…forever. The IDLE blanket was born into existence as a gift for Ross, a play on the IDOL shirt he wore (”idle” seemed so much more appropriate for him though.) I’ve been working on that off and on since about August of last year and I have about 20 lines left to crochet at the top, but it’s mostly complete. It turned out *way* too huge, and appears to be about 2 feet longer than I intended in my pattern. I have yet to measure it exactly but I really misjudged my stitch tension. o.o I hope to be able to give it to him completed when I go to Australia next month.

The other one is a far greater ordeal for me. I first began the MOMO blanket in September or October 2002 as a gift for Jules. Until yesterday I hadn’t told him what it was because I wanted it to be a surprise…I hinted at it a lot since I spent soooo much time working on it, but never actually said what it was. Jules was very patient and never badgered me about it. When I was about 3/4 of the way done with the main section of it I decided it wasn’t good enough so I pulled it all apart and started again. (Basically I redid all of the peach and pink sections.) The thing is…I wanted this thing to be absolutely perfect. I couldn’t stand the idea of giving something to him that was of substandard quality because even back then, I had Jules on a pedestal, and only the very best was good enough for him (in my eyes.) I knew he’d enjoy the subject matter and the idea behind it and the fact that it was a gift from me, but I wanted so desperately for him to approve of the quality of the craftsmanship and the execution of the idea as well. I admired this guy and worshipped him, so to speak, and had always felt extremely humbled by his artistic talent. He was just so incredibly good at art it made me a little insecure about my own work when he’d ask to see it.

One thing you must understand is my first exposure to Jules was through his artwork; I knew of his ability way before I knew anything about him as a person. Jon used to show me things he’d done and I’d just stare at them with wide eyes and think, “Holy shit.” When I first came to the channel and started talking to this guy “Jules”, I had no idea it was the same guy who had done the art I was so impressed with. As soon as I realized it, I was like “ohmygodohmygod…” and at the risk of sounding too dramatic, I actually felt like falling to the floor and bowing to him. I was thrown off a bit by the idea that this amazing, talented, “minor god of #rosa” was willingly talking to me and actually *enjoying* it! To be perfectly honest, as our friendship grew my attitude towards him never changed much. Yes, my feelings for him broadened over time as we got closer and closer, but there was *always* that overtone of awe and admiration whenever I’d speak to him…that the most wonderful and amazing person alive loves me and enjoys talking to me. That being said, perhaps you can see why I was so concerned about creating something he’d approve of if I were to give it to him as a gift. If I couldn’t be completely satisfied with it, it wasn’t good enough. So I eventually worked myself up enough to believe it wasn’t even worth continuing the blanket because I was insecure about how it looked. I put it aside and haven’t touched it in over a year and a half. When I brought it up as a topic yesterday Jules was completely aghast as I described it to him, telling me over and over how absolutely silly I was for being concerned about that. I *knew* he would say that and yet my drive to create something absolutely perfect, something worthy of him, was so strong I couldn’t break out of it. Eventually I agreed to photograph it for him so he could see it for himself, but he hasn’t been around yet to see it so I still have no idea what he thinks of it for sure.

My final struggle in coming to terms with the state of my relationship with Jules now is accepting the idea that I deserve him. I’m quite sure I proved in the previous segment that I think *very* highly of him and that I don’t take things lightly when they have to do with what is or is not good enough for this man. I want only the best for him, and it’s difficult to think that he considers me not only “good enough” but “perfect.” Over and over he tells me how much he loves me and it’s very obvious he means this from the bottom of his heart; I trust him when he says these things, but it’s just unreal to me that *I* could be the one for him…

I love you so much Julian.

Another couple hours’ work. Bliss.

Ugh, I’m exhausted beyond belief but I can’t sleep. My mind isn’t even racing or anything, but my body is so restless. I miss Jules. Where is Ross? ;_;