Last night I was able to sleep again (waking up several times of course) but I did sleep. I had several dreams during that time, but the most noteworthy of those was the first dream I’ve had about being with Jules. I think that is a good sign.

I just spent about the last 4 hours writing a 17-page journal entry about how I’m feeling. I feel quite a bit better about some things now and other things have been brought to the surface that I was unsure about until I actually wrote the words down on paper. I’m getting closer to resolution now.

I’m taking a break from IRC and my online life to try to sort myself out. I don’t know how long I’ll be away but I’ll be making efforts to reduce the stress in my life so I can get past this low point. I will be thinking of you all a lot, so just remember this isn’t goodbye for good, just for a little while. As difficult as this is for me, at this point I’m willing to try anything in order to get better.

I love you all. Be well my friends.

Cackey, cawkey, cahkey.

I doewn’t knoy.

Tonight I experienced a level of spirituality I’ve never before known. It was the most incredible feeling I’ve ever had, and I continue to feel its effects even after it was over.

All I can say is incredible.

This is all the proof I need that people do not have to belong to an organized religion to have a personal relationship with the spiritual realm.

For all those who have been missing me the last while, sorry I haven’t been around more. I’ve been pretty sick.

I went to the doctor today and she gave me some anti-depressants, so hopefully that will help to calm my anxiety. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Ross stayed and talked to me all day. We *are* making progress.

Thank you Ross.

The first time I saw Monty Python and the Holy Grail I stared at the screen wondering what everyone found so funny about it. I’d heard people quoting this movie for years, so many of the lines were already familiar to me. I even had a classmate once who stood up in front of our Pre-Calc class and recited about 10 minutes of dialogue from memory. I just didn’t “get” what was supposed to make it funny. It took about five viewings spread out over about 3 years for me to start to make sense of the humor. The same can be said of Red Dwarf. Jon showed me an episode several years ago and it just seemed rather “meh” to me. When a person is not exposed to British humor from an early age, it takes a bit of getting used to. Most Americans are accustomed to the comedy we see on American television, which is a different breed entirely. It was Monty Python’s Life of Brian that really made me start appreciating it.

I don’t really want this to turn into some long-winded essay about all the differences between Yank and Brit humor, but simply to point out how I’ve grown to enjoy British comedy more than (most) American stuff. Last night I spent awhile watching episodes of The Mighty Boosh, this totally bizarre, random sitcom that airs on BBC3. I watched an ep with Jon, Brian, and Martha, and they weren’t too impressed (too random for them I guess.) Granted, because of the randomness, I can only manage about 3 episodes in a row before my brain starts revolting, but still…

Last weekend I ordered Father Ted and Fawlty Towers on DVD. I was pleased they sell them as region 1 since a few other shows I’ve enjoyed don’t offer r1 discs. I had to get Spaced from amazon.co.uk as region 2 and Black Books from Australia as region 0 & 4. Red Dwarf is being released here 2 seasons at a time (S5 and s6 just came out in March.) My collection is building. :)

In any case, yeah…I’m feeling a bit better now emotionally. I’m sorting through things with Ross, which is wonderful because it’s an opportunity I didn’t expect to have, and due to willingness on both our parts, we’ve grown much closer because of it. Jules is working a lot so I don’t get to talk to him much, but I think having more time to think and sort through things is helping me a lot. I know he feels upset that he can’t talk to me more but we still get to talk for a few hours every day, so we aren’t completely cut off from each other (very important.)

I still can’t sleep through the night, so I’m completely exhausted during the day. I wonder when I’ll get past that. :\ Things seem better though, each week feels like an improvement (even if only slight) over the last one. Mom and I channel energy together for about 20 minutes each night to try to improve the way I feel, and recently it’s been going very well as I haven’t felt as blocked. Last night while we were doing that I got so relaxed that I actually fell asleep momentarily and jerked myself awake. :)

I am carrying a lot less tension in my shoulders. My thoughts aren’t knotting my stomach up anymore, and I’m not trying to think up of ways to escape the situation. When I realized that my mind and heart were at war with each other over my unresolved feelings for Ross, I began to settle down considerably, as I’d finally gotten to the core of what was blocking me from feeling much of anything about my relationship with Jules. I was still stuck back there with Ross, and I knew it was something I had to deal with if I wanted to continue on. Jules has been incredibly understanding about the whole thing, but when one steps back from the situation it’s fairly obvious that I haven’t had a chance to grieve over the loss, or really to deal with it in any way, so of course he knows he must afford me this time and space.

I feel that I can’t devote all of myself to Jules (or, even to *enjoy* the relationship) until I’ve taken care of these ghosts, and not only is that completely unfair to both him *and* myself, but it was destroying me. Yes, Jules saved me by coming to my rescue so soon after Ross ended things (I don’t even want to consider what kind of shape I’d be in had he not done what he did), but it was *too* soon for me to adequately change roles from being devoted to Ross to being completely devoted to Jules. When one loves someone the way I loved Ross, the feelings don’t just disappear. Sure, it’s inappropriate and unhealthy to continue loving someone after the relationship is over, but it doesn’t mean you can just squash the feelings. You can try to bury them and move on, and it might seem to work…but clearly it didn’t work for me. It might have (seemed to) work the first time, but this situation was entirely different. Even the first time my feelings for him never disappeared, I just had to shove them aside and move on. This time there was no time for it to take effect, basically, no time for me to come to terms with how I felt and try to figure out how I could deal with those feelings and continue to live. Here was the open wound of the end of my relationship with Ross, from which I hadn’t yet begun to try to heal, and then the overwhelming confession of love coming from the person I most adore in this world, Jules. My heart was battered and bruised, I was a wreck, and yet I tried to devote all of myself to this new situation before I’d allowed myself to recover even a little. Well, that’s like running over a nail with a car tire and trying to get on the freeway before changing the tire. All the air just escaped so fast it left me spinning out of control. I realized that I had issues to face before I could be the person for Jules that he deserves, and I was sure to explain this to him as soon as I could so as to avoid any more confusion and pain.

One comment that outsiders have made often is the possibility of Jules only being a rebound guy. While the thought (to me) was always preposterous, I think recent events have only gone to prove that this is not the case. If I was looking to Jules to be a replacement for Ross, my actions would have been far different than they were, and I would have allowed myself far more emotional indulgence than I have. Instead, since I still felt a great deal of confusion over how I felt about Ross, I’ve kept a respectful distance emotionally (on an unconscious level.) Most people who know both Jules and me realize that he and I were always meant to be together, even if situations *seemed* already set in stone. It was just one of those things that was destined to be. I honor, respect, and worship Jules; to me he is everything that is good and perfect about humanity. For me to bring baggage to the incredible relationship I have with him would be completely disrespectful and unfair to him, especially when I have the chance to do something about this. Ross has afforded all of us a fantastic (and rather unexpected) opportunity to make things right. So we will. I believe in this, and moreover, I trust in it.

1.) Total volume of music files on my computer?
Currently 66.9 GB (probably upwards of 120 GB on DVD though, I have no clue)

2.) The last CD I bought was…
The Dresden Dolls – The Dresden Dolls.

3a.) The last song I listened to before writing this was…
Gary Numan – Cars

3b.) Song playing right now?
The Stills – Killer Bees

4.) Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me:

- The Smashing Pumpkins – Stand Inside Your Love
- HIM – The Sacrament
- The Smashing Pumpkins – Crestfallen
- Air – Alpha Beta Gaga
- A Perfect Circle – Blue

5.) Which five people are you passing this baton to and why?

Hrm.

Jules and Ross, I love you both so much.