Another two hours or so of work.

I painted for about an hour and a half this afternoon, basically stopping because my fingers were too cold and stiff to continue. (I was working in the garage and the wind was pretty nastybun.) I like the direction this one is going in…hopefully as it becomes more defined and I’ve chosen colors I will continue to feel the same way. I noticed that I’m able to block out the shapes much more quickly than I used to be able to. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my canvases are much smaller than the ones I’ve used in the past. Anyhow, I may work on this more this afternoon, and if not, I will tomorrow.

I had dinner with Jon, Brian, and Martha last night at Victoria’s. It was the most I’ve eaten in one sitting in months, so it was a strange sensation to have that much food in my stomach (strange how one’s body becomes accustomed to things.) Brian and Martha had to go to a concert at the PAC across the street so they took off while Jon and I enjoyed dessert. :3 We came back and watched an ep of Black Books and a couple Good Eats and by that time I was getting pretty tired. Jon whipped a pillow at me to get me up and I feared being a’salt’ed again so I collected my things and headed home. It was pretty late so Mom was already long asleep, but I still wanted to meditate so I put on the Heart Chakra CD and sat there until I was literally falling asleep, then I got into bed and drifted off before the CD ended.

I had a pretty awful anxiety dream in which I was still with Ross and he decided to break up with me and disappear. I was actually in Australia with him though, so it was extremely intense because I was actually able to yell at and argue with him face to face. While things still seemed to be going well, he and his stepsister were talking about pronunciations of things and I remember they were discussing tiny little differences between certain Aussie accents and I was disappointed I couldn’t hear the difference. I thought it would be funny if I pronounced the words in my own accent but they just ignored me.

I went to bed and when I awoke Ross was gone and someone told me he’d decided to break up with me and he was off at camp in France. I couldn’t believe it, so I went off in pursuit of him and ended up in a remote part of Japan instead, where there were a lot of triangle-shaped houses on stilts in a circular formation, sort of like a tiny little Native American village. Almost everything on the inside was made of bamboo or other plant material. Even the showers. It was apparently some sort of religious retreat place. At any rate, as I was about to leave and go back to Australia, Ross came through the door wearing his camp shirt and a backpack. He came in the room confidently but when he saw me he lowered his head and tried to turn around and go back the way he came. I chased after him and angrily demanded that he explain his reasons to me. He was really reluctant to talk to me so I started shouting at him at the top of my lungs in a way I’ve never done to *anyone* in real life.

He told me that I didn’t know the real him (he used the words “You don’t know the real Dylan,” which I take to mean a reference to Dylan Moran, who I’ve thought resembles Ross somewhat,) and he started to play with toy trucks on the table in front of him. I didn’t understand, so I asked him to be more specific and he said “I’ve also got a contagious disease.” I questioned him on that and he said he had this mixture of herpes and hepatitis c. My eyes bugged out and I asked if I should go get tested for it and he said “Why should you? We never did anything.” I was really angry at this point because he didn’t even seem to feel sorry for what he did, he was more interested in running from me. I gave him one last look of disbelief then I stormed out the door. I found my laptop and I decided I would go back on IRC just so I could see if I could talk to Jules about it, but the connection was really shoddy and it didn’t stay connected to the network for much time at all. I was able to get a message to Jules and his response seemed to be that he wasn’t surprised that Ross had done what he did, in fact he pretty much had seen it coming for a long time before that. I was appalled at that and wondered why he hadn’t told me but I was unable to question him further because the connection died. I think I woke up in the middle of another argument with Ross and I actually attempted to go back to sleep to try to resolve the problem, but I was unable to.

That was quite possibly the most intense anxiety dream I’ve ever had, and I have never, ever yelled at anyone the way I yelled at Ross in that dream (either in real life or imagined.) Wow. I really don’t know what to make of that, except perhaps that is my brain’s way of working through some of the frustration I felt after Ross actually broke up with me. As things are now, I’m not upset with Ross in any way, and we’ve come a long way to mend our differences since the breakup. I would say we are on quite excellent terms with each other now, and I’m happy to still be his friend. Perhaps I still had some latent hostility built up from being hurt, though…I don’t know. I don’t feel upset or drained now, after waking up, as I might have expected after a dream of that intensity, so I guess I needed to get that toxin out of my system.

I feel quite a bit better now, like I’ve let go of something. It just occurred to me that with the heart chakra meditation I’ve been doing, it has been my goal to cleanse this chakra, to let go of the feelings that were poisoning me so I can move on. Perhaps this dream is a good indication that it is working. I feel lighter today, like I was able to just let some of that tension dissolve. I’ve identified several things that are holding me back, but this was kind of a surprise to me as I didn’t realize I was holding onto any sort of grudge-like feelings for Ross. Hopefully that was my way of bringing the feelings to the surface so I can deal with them and get past this. I plan to paint today, and it is my hope that painting will open up some of the other things I’m trapped behind.

After the meditation experience I had the other night, I was quite excited to try the heart chakra cleansing again. Unfortunately last night it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. I had a candle burning on the table in front of me which was at eye-level when I was seated on the floor, and it was flickering madly against my eyelids even while they were closed, so I was distracted by that for about half the time. We decided to play the tracks of the CD in a different order, and that seemed to distract me as well. So by the time it was over, I was extremely relaxed/sleepy rather than energized like I’d been the other night. That really wasn’t a bad thing by any means as it helped me to sleep, but it wasn’t what I was expecting. I guess that’s my mistake right there…with meditation you’re not supposed to have any expectations. At least I know why now.

After work Russ and I went up to Appleton to visit a store called Angels Forever/Windows of Light as I had never been there before and was interested to see what sorts of books and CDs they had available. Man…being inside that store sent me into sensory overload. There was just so much *stuff* crammed into that space, most of which was shiny or bright, and my eyes had no focal point so they were darting all over the place. Incense and invigorating instrumental music only served to heighten the stimulation. There was just so much busy energy going on in that place I found it difficult to concentrate on anything, my head was just buzzing. The people running the shop were kind and outgoing, which they tend to be in that sort of place. I found it interesting that they were offering “aura photography” as an event on one of the upcoming weekends. That’s something that makes me curious but I don’t know if I’d do it. In any case, I didn’t end up buying anything as no one thing really “spoke” to me. I think it would take about 10 hours to look at every item in that shop even though it’s rather small.

We had supper at the mall after that at the Japanese place…I had this veggie soba thing with some rather dodgy-looking broccoli on the top. The noodles were decent at least. We checked out Hot Topic for t-shirts (that store is going overboard with their Napoleon Dynamite obsession.) I nearly bought a tank top with Edward Scissorhands printed on it, but it was $22 and made of really thin material (I’d be afraid to wash it) so I decided against it. :\ We looked at equally overpriced candles at another shop then took off.

I slept somewhat decently last night, but I remember having an anxiety dream where I was riding in the truck with my dad and a bunch of people were outside our house near the driveway shouting “Don’t go near the golf course!” (The nearest golf course being 2 miles away…) Apparently there was some threat there, but it was never made clear what it was, though it seemed alien. There was a big thumping noise on the roof of the truck as we turned in our driveway, and I thought it was going to be damaged but nothing happened to it. I recall driving past a shop on the way home and I noticed a t-shirt in the window that said “pimento” on it and I wanted to go back and buy it because the store had odd hours and I didn’t think I’d have another chance. Dad told me no, and then I thought about how other people on IRC had been buying t-shirts with other people’s nicknames on them recently and I decided there wasn’t much point in going with the trend since it wasn’t original. When we got inside the house there were a lot of people around and the composer Angelo Badalamenti (Twin Peaks) was seated with his back to me, eating dinner, and for some reason I was desperate to write him a Valentine card…I just *had* to let him know how great I thought he was. I remember looking for an envelope and finding one but running out of time to actually write something. Hmm. I was pretty tired when I woke up and found myself wanting to go back to sleep…I take this as a sign that I’m returning to “normal” again, as this is essentially how I was before I got so sick.

This morning I thought about how much I’ve improved in the last week alone. I’ve been away from IRC for 8 days now, though it really seems like much longer…but in that time, I have basically turned myself around. It has done me the world of good to simplify my life in order to focus on getting well. I often wonder how everyone is doing in my absence, which frequently prods me to open a terminal up, but I restrain myself. Not until I’m ready. I check people’s journals several times a day, wishing people would write more (or at all) since my only real link to things has been the couple times I’ve talked to Chris on aim about his Silent Hill photos. It’s a strange feeling to be out of contact with people I normally communicate with for *hours* every day. I have to keep reminding myself it’s for the best though.

In this time away I feel like I’m getting in touch with myself again, finding/rediscovering things that interest me again. For so long I’ve been in a rather uninspired/bored/uninterested type of state where the only thing I’d think about all day long was chatting (I didn’t *want* to do anything else) and that was just squashing the creative side of me. I felt really useless then, and no one was pushing me to change so I didn’t, I just let it get worse. Sad to say that I was suffering a great deal of apathy, and it hurt. The worst part about it was I didn’t really want to do anything about it sometimes because I knew how much work it would be to pull myself out of “meh” land. I cared far more about pleasing people who love me than doing anything for myself, and I often wondered to myself what they could possibly love about me since I was so dull and lifeless. I felt like they loved a person I once was, and not the person I was in that moment, and I would often wish they’d get a clue and leave me alone.

Well, of course, that was the type of thinking that sent me downwards, and I know what bullshit it is. It’s true that I completely felt that for awhile, but the important thing now is that I don’t anymore. I have felt the life-force returning to me, that creative drive that has propelled me forward throughout my life, and the Ann that I love and respect is re-emerging. The overall feeling I have during the day is shifting to a much more positive angle, and I don’t feel my mind poisoning my body with anxiety and sour, sick feelings. I used to spend the entire day with my stomach twisting, turning, gurgling over itself, this nausea permeating my whole body, nervous tension pouring out of every cell. I couldn’t go more than ten minutes without feeling heartburn or acid reflux (my neck was totally swollen and my tongue had turned almost totally white from that, yuck.) My heart would pound ferociously and my whole body was swollen and aching. I eventually developed a nasty case of hives. All of these symptoms would get worse the more my mind would race (and race it did, my god) to the point where I could no longer eat *at all.* I went three days without having anything but water. I lost twenty pounds. This cycle was basically all day, every day, for over two months…is it any wonder I was suffering as much as I was?

Now I no longer have acid reflux, my stomach doesn’t get nervous and upset when I think about my loved ones (looking at photos of Jules makes me happy rather than anxious), and I’m finally sleeping and dreaming. I’m far more relaxed in general, and my mind is reasonably calm. Whenever a negative thought enters it, I catch myself and determine if it has any basis in reality then force it out. I’m becoming much better at that now, stopping myself from assuming ridiculous shit, and it’s unbelievable how much that improves my overall mood. I’ve done this negative self-talk shit my whole life, and have *always* indulged in it until now. Life seems so much more beautiful and easier when I don’t let myself get stuck on things that not only do not matter, but are useless because they are just figments of my twisted imagination. I’m far less cynical about life in general. Am I on my way to becoming an optimist? I don’t know, since it’s still not natural for me, it takes conscious effort. We’ll see. :)

Thank you so much for the music, Jules. I’m having a listen right now. It was a very thoughtful and sweet thing to do. :3

Today is the first day in months that I actually feel *good.* There is a sort of happiness and calm permeating my mind and body…I feel like smiling and laughing just at the good things in my life. I directly attribute this to the meditation/channeling session I had last night with Mom. Awhile ago Russ suggested to me that he felt my heart chakra was “withered” from overuse. My ability to laugh, smile, and enjoy life was limited to select moments here and there where I was with Jon and Brian, with my parents, or just watching a silly show (Fawlty Towers, Black Books, Father Ted, and The Mighty Boosh in particular.) I have been sad ever since I got back from Australia in December, basically.

Well, last night I got a CD by Karunesh called Heart Chakra Meditation so I put that on as background music while Mom channeled, and we focused on the heart chakra in particular. At one point about 80% of the way through, my entire body just jumped suddenly (what some people call a “crash landing” when your soul supposedly returns to your body after astral traveling.) I know I hadn’t been asleep because it was a very different sensation to the one I get when I jerk myself awake (something I tend to do *quite* often.) Mom also experienced a similar jump partway through and somehow while she was “gone” her hands had shifted from my back to my shoulders, which is interesting. In any case, after it was over I felt happy, and thinking about the violent way in which I jumped during the meditation made me want to giggle. (I kept thinking of “giggaling” and that made the feeling more intense.) It was amazing…as if I suddenly was gifted with all this positive energy that was coming from within me. I realize this probably sounds a little silly to some people (I myself have to fight the urge to condemn the “New Age” way I’ve been writing and thinking lately) but that’s okay…this meditation business *is* helping me, and that’s all that matters. Who cares how it sounds?

I was quite a bit more restless last night than I have been, and Mom suggested that I’m not needing the energy as much as I did the last while since I’m not “soaking it up like a sponge.” That was the first time in a long while that we weren’t focusing on getting me relaxed for sleep, so by nature it was a different experience…and a very welcome one. I spent about 45 minutes afterwards sitting in my room with candles lit, looking at photos of Jules and smiling and crying a little. My brother called me just moments after I went to bed so I talked to him for a bit, then went back to bed. I slept fairly well, but I woke up several times…at least I had some restful sleep and was able to dream. I felt pretty refreshed when I awoke.

It’s very difficult being away from Jules, not talking to him every day. I feel a sadness for him, knowing how difficult it must be from his perspective, but I am proud of him having the strength to endure it. We both know that this is the best thing for us, so it becomes a willing sacrifice. I do love him more and more with each passing day, and as I continue to get better I will be a better person. My outlook becomes more positive every day.

So Julian, thank you so much for your patience, understanding, support, and love. It means *everything* to me.

Last night Russ came over and brought his friend Jory along. Russ was interested in trying out Ouija so we spent most of the evening attempting to get some words of wisdom out of his spirit guides. It was the first time he’d ever used the board so it took awhile before we got anything, but it eventually began to work. They seemed to have great difficulty spelling things so we were unable to glean any real messages out of it, mostly resorting to questions with a yes or no answer. (And even then they seemed to understand where “yes” was but would spell out “no” instead of going to the full word.) He also did two Tarot readings for me which were pretty positive (there’s a first time for everything I guess.) The message there was basically that I’m on the right track now in getting my life back in line and the choices I’ve made thus far have been correct.

The guys left rather late so I was pretty exhausted by that time, but I stayed up for a bit anyway and wrote Jules an email then showered. I was able to sleep pretty well after that, only waking up twice that I recall. I awoke a half hour before my alarm as I usually do but I was able to go back to sleep for awhile before it rang, which is something I’ve been unable to do for months now. I felt a little bit sick in the morning but that subsided as the day went on. In the afternoon I felt a bit tired since I got less than 6 hours of sleep, but hopefully tonight I’ll be able to get a full 8. It will be really nice once I’m able to nap successfully again.

After last night I’ve been allowing myself to think more and more about IRC and the situations attached to that. Each time a thought occurs, I get a pang of discomfort in my chest and stomach…however, with some deep breathing I can get the feeling to dissipate and I’m becoming able to look at photographs of Jules and Ross without feeling the level of anxiety and tension I once did. I still have a great deal of unresolved feelings trapped inside me that I need to figure out how to get in touch with, but at least now I’m more certain that what I’ve done is right.

Reconciling thoughts and feelings isn’t always a matter of just telling yourself “be logical.” In this situation, I’m finding that my mind has no trouble whatsoever seeing the logic and reason behind the choices I’ve made but trying to convince my heart of the same thing is far more difficult. Being loving and sensitive and wanting to protect those I care about so easily overtakes any sort of “selfish” thoughts and feelings I should be experiencing. I know now that I can’t be everything to everyone no matter how much I may want to. I do have to think about myself now and find out what I truly want, not what I want for other people. This is something I’ve been struggling with so much, as it goes against my instincts to put my needs before others. The truth of the matter is, though…until I feel happy and well, I cannot be the person that others need me to be. There is a lot of pressure thinking that other people’s happiness is dependent on my own. (And that’s not just my own perception of things, it’s something I’ve been told over and over again.)

Deciding to spend time off on my own is allowing me to face my fears, doubts, and confusions head on instead of hiding or running away. By reducing the number of things cluttering my head each day through positive thought and writing things down, there is less to throw me off, so I’m actually somewhat forced to think about the things that have been eating at me for so long. I made a list of eight things that I consider the prime reasons for my struggle over the situation. Since this is a very personal matter for me, I don’t feel it’s appropriate to list them here, but I’m sure most people who know enough about what’s happened could probably guess at several of them. Being able to write them down was a big step for me because it put all of my worry and doubt right there in front of me instead of floating madly through my brain and causing my stomach to practically digest itself. Seeing my problems on paper helps me to concentrate on finding solutions rather than simply repeating the problems over and over ad nauseum and getting absolutely nowhere. It’s strange how having them outside my head frees my mind to a degree where I’m actually able to concentrate on other tasks. I can’t *believe* the amount of stuff I had stuck inside me that I was holding onto so desperately without realizing it, and how much better I felt after writing it down.

I know I have a lot of emotional issues to come to terms with. I still feel blocked there but I think the main reason right now is my mind knows I’m still physically sick and it is waiting for my body to recover enough to allow the onslaught to occur. I’m well-aware that when the emotions start coming out, it’s going to be this barrage, this tidal wave (insert any other metaphor for being overwhelmed here) and I need to be physically strong to withstand it. One of the main reasons I’ve decided to stay away from IRC for a bit longer is because I need to keep building my strength and going back while I’m only on the road to recovery just invites a relapse. Just the knowledge of what’s to come when the wall blocking these emotions finally collapses is rather frightening as it means a complete surrender of control. I keep hearing Ross’s voice in my head telling me, “It’s okay to lose control,” but it’s still difficult (and terrifying) to accept the idea of being completely vulnerable. It’s something I need to do though, the obstacle I absolutely *must* overcome in order to move on with my life.

Despite the fear, I still feel a great deal of excitement and anticipation in wanting to experience this–being completely overwhelmed with emotion–as I’m rather addicted to *feeling* things. So I suppose in a sort of peripheral way, it *is* a sort of selfish thing, but that’s still secondary to the more important intent of basically needing to have the shit pummeled out of me as an emotional wake-up call. Basically I just need my body to feel a bit better and give the signal to my emotional center to start chipping away at the wall. Once a small crack is established it won’t be long before it all comes down. I have had a few moments already where the wall has sprung a leak but it’s been patched up shortly thereafter so it really hasn’t done much except for temporarily making me feel better in the moment. Several people have suggested painting may be the catalyst I need, and after preparing my canvas last weekend, I’m beginning to think they could be right. I finally felt the rush, that surge of creative energy that fills me when I’m onto something big, that I haven’t felt in so long. It’s going to happen soon, I can tell.

Well, I’m eating full meals again, which is a huge improvement. My ability to sleep is improving a little each night…I still am having difficulty getting to sleep and I can’t stay asleep for more than about four hours at a time but at least now I’m actually resting and dreaming. Since I’ve been working at home for the past week, it’s given me a decent amount of time to relax in between tasks and page through books on coping strategies for anxiety and panic (thanks to my brother who also has anxiety issues he was able to deal with.) Being able to sleep *at all* is something I’m extremely grateful for so seeing an improvement in this gives me hope. I have also been crocheting and listening to relaxing music and spending a lot of time with my parents, which I’ve missed for a long time since basically all I’ve done since I’ve moved back home is obsess over my computer and chatting with people.

I really miss being on IRC and more than that, I miss my friends terribly. I’ve realized in the past week since I’ve been away just how big of an obsession that is for me and how completely it had taken over my life. For my own welfare I have decided that I will remain at a distance from it until I can sleep all the way through the night. If I don’t do that, I feel the risk of me slipping back into my downward spiral is rather great, and now that I’m starting to get better, I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. I have had several moments in which I’ve been tempted to fire up a terminal and just peek in on what’s going on, to see who’s talking, but I realize that won’t do me any good. Thoughts of returning to IRC upset my stomach which tells me I’m not ready for it yet. I will be though…each day is an improvement over the last.

One of the huge things emphasized in the books I’ve been reading is conditioning yourself to avoid negative self-talk. I’ve been a worrier my whole life and I’m excellent at making situations far worse than they should be simply by convincing myself there are insurmountable obstacles that make things hopeless. My imagination is incredible and can conjur up some of the most ridiculous things and make them seem real and likely to the point where I am able to incapacitate myself. This is something I am determined to squash because it’s stupid and it only serves to make me ill (mentally and physically.) There is no positive aspect to this line of thinking. There were a few moments this morning on my drive to work where I caught myself thinking these over-generalized, negative thoughts about things, and the good news is I was able to recognize it and stop myself before it became more than a single thought.

Last night after Mom finished channeling energy for me she commented that I’ve shown incredible improvement in the past two weeks. And truth be told, I have improved a great deal because I’m breaking myself out of the destructive cycles I was letting control me. Relaxation, meditation, simplification of my life, spending time with my loved ones, expressing my feelings through words and creative means, and a positive attitude have put me a step in the right direction. No situation is completely hopeless, but sometimes it takes (nearly) hitting rock bottom to realize this.

So my dearest friends, things are looking up for Anny. Like I said, it’s a struggle to be away from you but it’s something that must be done. I will return soon, I promise. I love you all.

Blueberry just took a crap in my room. I almost threw up while I was cleaning it up. *gags* Gross. We had no carpet cleaner so I had to use dish detergent. >_< Hopefully Febreze will get rid of the smell.

Afternoon on a Sunday in late April. I just put on the crappiest clothes I own and went out to the garage and gessoed up a new canvas, Air’s Talkie Walkie playing in my ears. My body is buzzing with anticipation and excitement as I plan out my next painting. It’s been a long time since I felt this way.