Ross, take a look at these lyrics.

Who am I to need you when I’m down?
Where are you when I need you around?
Your life is not your own

Who am I?

Being a “catalyst” can bring so much happiness to peoples’ lives, but it can also cause sorrow. I feel sad today, and cried for the first time since everything happened. *sigh* Hopefully time will make things easier.

Can’t wait for tomorrow to arrive. I ordered a 12″ Powerbook, which should be arriving via FedEx sometime in the morning. Contrary to everything I’ve said for the last…god…10 years or so…Mac isn’t that bad. Once OSX arrived on the scene Macs became less of a nuisance to work with. And because I work on a G5 everyday at work, I’ve grown accustomed enough to the interface that most of it is second nature now. I don’t mind it really. I ended up choosing the powerbook over a PC when I had a trojan scare on my PC last week. ~_~ For ages the powerbook was on par with a very similarly featured Sony Vaio, and finally I just decided to make a choice and go with it or I’d be debating it forever. So yay, I’ll be drooling over stylish new hardware tomorrow. I’m going over to Jon’s to have a celebratory dinner and geekfest. :D I’ll try to get some photos for you other hopeless geeks, even though you know full well what both I and a powerbook look like.

I hear you breathe so far from me
I feel your touch so close and real
And I know
My church is not of silver and gold,
Its glory lies beyond judgement of souls
The commandments are of consolation oh

You know our sacred dream won’t fail
The sanctuary tender and so frail
The sacrament of love
The sacrament of warmth is true
The sacrament is you

Sleep has become something I’m not supposed to experience, now…or so it seems. Since last Thursday I’ve woken up a half hour or more before my alarm, regardless of when I went to bed. Despite being desperately tired on Saturday night and going to bed around 2:30AM, I was still awake and alert before 7:30AM. ~_~ I ended up napping almost all Sunday afternoon away. All the days are blending together in a strange and confusing way…I don’t know where I am in space and time most of the day. I float through my workdays without realizing time has passed at all…my evenings disappear without a trace, sometimes blurred at the edges a bit by the affects of alcohol and missing sleep.

I am happy though. Things really have never, ever, been this fantastic. Each day is filled with wonder and disbelief and outright amazement. Life certainly has thrown a lot at me at once. No, it hasn’t been easy (quite the opposite really) but I’ve been handling it one day at a time. I’m eating normally again after several weeks of lightheadedness and aching…nothing has ever disrupted my system in such a violent way. It is getting easier (and more wonderful) with each passing day…I am grateful for the chance to feel this way for even a single day of my life, but now that I know I will feel this way each day for the rest of my life…ahhh…it’s more than I could have ever asked for.

Yes, some terrible mistakes were made. There was a lot of hurt and pain in my life for quite some time. My portion of that is over now, though there may still be regret left on the other end. This is such a great opportunity to truly learn from the past…to look at what has happened and to re-evaluate. So much good can come from the choices that have been made, even if they hurt a lot at the outset.

I have only ever known how to be myself…to some people I’ve shown more of that person than others, but all along I’ve stayed true to everything I believe in…the most important of those things being love. I can hold no grudges for mistakes others have made over me because my love is too strong, and my caring for those in my life too deep. Even though I may not deserve friendship or forgiveness or love from the person whose life was most disrupted by all of this, I pray each day for her strength and happiness. I want to know she will be okay, that she will be able to cope, because I love her.

This thing is still messed up…trying to solve issues now.

Though I can’t know for sure how things worked out for us
No matter how hard it gets, you have to realize
We weren’t put on this earth to suffer and cry.
We were made for being happy.
So be happy, for me, for you.
Please.

We were put here on this earth, put here to feel joy…

I really listened to the lyrics of this song today and I realized this is how I feel about life.

My concentration is shot…my thoughts cannot stray from you for a single moment. I ache to hear your voice again, those lovely words you speak to me that flow from your mouth so effortlessly. The agony of being apart from you grows with each moment that I let it sink in a bit more. I want to cry, to scream…to just…release it. But at the same time I feed off its electricity and warmth, and I can’t let go. I don’t want to. Every bit of me belongs only to you.