I think I reached an important place last night. When Jules told me how physically sick he felt I suddenly lost control and burst into tears. For a time he sat there and comforted me when he should have been laying down and resting, which made me feel guilty, but in a strange way it seemed to help both of us. For me, it was being able to purge some of the tension I’ve been holding inside, and for him it reaffirmed how much I care about his well-being. I’ve known for some time now that I really didn’t have control over much of anything in this situation, and I’ve been fighting against that to the point where I’ve nearly lost myself, because I see the hurt and confusion and pain and it’s in my nature to do everything I can to ease that. I just have to accept that in this situation I have to let time decide the outcome.

Once I stopped struggling against that, there was a sense of relief behind the deluge of tears. Over and over Jules pleads with me to be strong for him and to have patience, and now I see that this is the only thing I can actively attempt to do. So I shall.

I basically talked to Ross last night until I could no longer keep my tired and sore eyes open. I didn’t want to stop talking, it felt so good to be connecting with him on that level, and he was doing an excellent job of making me feel needed. There were a lot of “what if” questions floating through my mind last night…”What if I’d never come to the channel?” “What if Jules had never told me how he felt?” “What if Ross never kicked himself in the ass?” Of course these questions are stupid to ponder because they’re irrelevant, but it was one of those times where I had to ask myself if my presence had been a good or bad influence overall. Of course everyone was convinced it was good…but… I have this overwhelming tendency to stir things up a *lot* without intending to. There have been some drastic changes to some people’s lives based merely on suggestions I’ve made. There is a lot of power and danger involved in something like that, and I’m not always sure it’s *good* or *right* that I have that “ability.” *sigh*

Also, I spent about 2 hours talking with Chris on Skype, which made me feel a lot better. We could talk about his plans for uni and less weighty matters than what I’ve been dwelling on in my own life, and it was a nice break from the stress. Plus, he has a cute accent. :3 Yay for Canadians.