sigh I’ve been somewhat depressed since I got back from Australia. This has to do with many factors, most of which are blatantly obvious. For one thing, I am now away from some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life, people who showered me with adoration at every possible opportunity. I’m as physically far removed from the person I love more than anyone else as is possible, and yeah, that hurts a lot. Also, the weather there was warm and sunny, as they are going into summer, and upon my return I was greeted with horrible cold, snow, and darkness. I also had to come back to work after a month of relaxation, which means I don’t see daylight anymore. When I get up in the morning it’s dark and when I leave in the afternoon it’s already dark, plus I work in the basement of a library so there are no windows to see outside. So unless for some crazed reason I’d decide to go outside for lunch the only time I’d see daylight is on the weekends. Hrm. And to top it all off, I’m running very low on money and won’t be getting paid until (I think) February 1 because of the way the pay schedule is one month off and I’m only paid once a month. This doesn’t bode well for the Christmas season. I’m really not in the mood for Xmas right now, and thinking of having to spend more money on presents makes me feel ill.

I’ve been spending most of my free time doing one of two things: either sleeping or playing World of Warcraft. I’ve been going to bed at extremely early times (before 8pm some nights) and thus waking up really early in the morning. I feel so dragged down so all the sleep really doesn’t help. But if I’m not laying in bed or sitting with blankets piled on me, I get too cold, so sleep really is the most attractive option. I’ve lost all the weight I gained in Australia already, and probably a bit more because I really haven’t felt much like eating. :\

And then WoW…I’ve mostly been giving it a shot because I wanted something fun to do with the Aussies and it seemed like it might be a reasonably cool game (since I was so hooked on Diablo II for so long.) Once my free month is up I don’t know if I’ll continue playing it or not (ever since I got my PS2 I’ve lost interest in computer games) but I’ll see. The character I’m playing right now is a Night Elf Hunter and she’s only now beginning to get some skills and abilities that are useful at level 14. She’s still quite a bit behind the other characters the Aussies are playing but I imagine if I keep playing enough she’ll get better. I’ve done some really stupid things in the game like dying halfway down a waterfall that goes right off the top of the map, so my spirit couldn’t reach the body (and thus I had to swim all the way around the island to get back on land since there were cliffs the whole way around save for a tiny little fishing village at the bottom.) I’m very deficient at reading and translating maps so I never know where I’m going. That’s one of the main reasons I hate soloing, because I never know where to go ;_; The game really is only fun to me when I’m in a party with other people I know.

I’m thinking about going back to Australia again for a month once this job is over in June. I may spend a week or so with Will in Seattle so I can see what it’s like, then go out to Perth again. I think I’ll probably move to Portland/Seattle after I come back if that works out. I still need to discuss times that work with Rosey and others with commitments but hopefully that would work. At this point I really really need something to look forward to, something to live for, because I feel so terribly uninspired, and…well, frozen. I want to start painting again but I haven’t felt the spark yet. I suppose it would help a lot to look to the one thing that most inspires me, love, but even there I need a starting point. I’ve come to the realization that I really don’t think I want to be a graphic designer…and of course the thing I love to do most is painting. Once I’m out on the west coast I plan to start looking at co-op galleries and see if I can get my work up. I know a life as a painter wouldn’t be easy in the least but if there’s anything I’ve learned in the last year, it’s that following your heart will open doors for you that you never even knew were there.

I miss my Aussie friends so terribly it brings me to tears every time I think of it. Being there was the most amazing experience I’ve ever had. I am thankful to have had the opportunity to live a dream. The “what next” idea scares me a lot but as Jules said the other day, “It’s not over yet.” As long as I keep that in mind I think I’ll be okay. The best is yet to come, I know.