I’m listening to “Alppha Beta Gaga” by Air right now, which has made a habit of making me ache inside whenever I hear it. It conjures up vivid memories of Jules driving us places in his parents’ red Honda Jazz, Rose in the passenger seat and Ross and me in the back, (sometimes with Ivan as well) Jules taking corners a bit too sharply for the passengers in the back, sending us flying into each other while he and Rose remained planted securely in their seats up front. “Play the whistle-y song again!” I’d say. It’s such a good traveling type of song. There are so many things I associate with my Aussie friends and my trip there, but certain things bring up such specific memories that I find myself almost in pain when I recall them because they are so full of happiness and affection. While I seem to be over the continuous depression I was suffering the first few weeks I came back, I still have these moments where I just stop and have to fight off tears because something has reminded me of the great times I experienced in Australia. Our lives are so intertwined now that if I were to attempt to disassociate myself from anything that reminds me of them, I’d find it impossible. They are every bit a part of my everyday life as my own family is. I am extremely grateful for these memories and wouldn’t give them up for anything.

I wish I didn’t cry so easily. It doesn’t take very much to set me off, especially in relation to everything mentioned in the previous paragraph (and ne, most everything I’ve written in the last three months.) I’ve always found this to be a weakness since I cannot effectively control it but Jules has told me on more than one occasion that he admires that I can be that open with my emotions. His opinion matters so much to me so I trust him when he says this, even if I don’t view it the same way. Yes, I’m glad that I have the ability to express myself; of this I don’t disagree. I just wish I had more control over it, that’s all. I feel that I’ve become a much stronger person in the last few years, yet this weeping over hugely emotional things has not left me. I’ve stopped crying over stupid little things like some asshole on the highway cutting me off and making a rude gesture at me because I know now that I don’t need to take that personally. But the more emotionally involved I am in a situation, the more likely it is to bring me to instant tears. I suppose that’s pretty logical when I think about it, but it’s tough to be sitting at work and suddenly be overcome by tears I can’t control. I don’t really try to hide it, but I don’t make a big deal out of it either. I sit quietly, dabbing at my eyes until it passes and I can get back to what I was doing.

Allowing myself to be so emotionally involved has affected my values a lot as well. I’ve gone from being really materialistic (which probably stemmed from me not having much as a child) to only wanting to have necessities. The sorts of things I used to cling to…possessions…just seem so useless to me now. At Xmas I sat there thinking about how consumer-driven the holiday is, how people feel this need to buy each other stuff that they don’t need and might not even want. I was grateful that I got mostly money because I’ll be able to use that for something I need rather than just have something else to take up space. In Australia, I observed that my friends don’t have very much stuff cluttering their homes up. They have a few things that they are really interested in but there’s a noticeable lack of the sort of junk I’ve seen in most American homes (mine included.) Most of this is due to the fact that they haven’t had jobs all the way through school so they don’t have as much spending money…but still it heightened my conviction that stuff does not equal happiness.

So over the weekend I went through a bunch of my clothes and gave a considerable stack of them to Goodwill. (By considerable, I’m talking about a 4′ or so stack of folded clothes.) It was all decent/nice stuff but I never wore it and I realized I probably never would again. Why hold onto it then? So off it went. With the exception of my computer, some clothes, and some grooming supplies I think I could live quite happily out of the suitcases I took with me to Australia. This is why I think I’ll be just fine taking myself and my car with me when I move to Portland/Seattle. When I was in Australia…I didn’t miss all the junk I have. I had access to a computer, and enough clothing for about a week and a half. And I was just fine. Will’s minimalism on his trek westward was pretty influential on me, especially since I’d been thinking of simplifying my life for awhile at that point. I’m sure a lot of that has to do with how he lived in Tokyo where space really is limited, but he’s also one of those types of people who only buy what they are really interested in, rather than all sorts of random crap. Ross is also a lot like that, though his wishlist is a lot longer in the music department especially.

I’ve been talking about painting quite a bit recently, simply because it’s been really prominent in my thoughts. I am very excited to start again since it’s the thing that makes me happiest. I once told Ross that to me there were two things that make me utterly happy, but for very different reasons. One is him, of course…the whole true love thing tends to make anyone happy beyond words, ne? (And me moreso than most, probably.) The other is painting, because when I get in the groove, I feel like I’m channeling a higher power, in touch with something beyond myself…and there’s a sort of euphoria associated with that which I’ve attempted to describe several times but never really found the right words for. Painting makes me giddy when I’m on the right track, in a way I’ve never felt before in connection with anything else. When I’m on to something big, the energy I am able to generate simply by thinking and talking about my ideas is incomparable to anything else. It’s absolutely electric, alive, buzzing. In this state, people seem to either gravitate towards me with awe or away from me with worry and fear.

The series I plan on doing centers around my trip to Aussieland (not surprisingly) because it’s the one thing that’s been most inspiring and influential on my life in the last two years. In particular, I plan on focusing on the people I grew so close to (again, big shock.) This both excites me and terrifies me at the same time because I have so much of myself invested in my relationships with them and I’ve never painted anything that deeply personal before. But even more than that…these works will not only be exposing something important to me, they’ll be exposing the people within them. Because of this, I needed to make sure I had permission before beginning the work. Ross granted his immediately, as he feels honored to be thought of so highly. Previously, Rose and Jules had had similar reactions when I asked to paint them, and I suspect their attitude has only grown more strongly in that direction since we’ve met.

I don’t necessarily worry that I won’t do them justice or paint them to look as they really are…I don’t doubt my talents in that way…but I do have a slight apprehension about delving into this. They are all so important to me that I know I am going to be dealing with a lot of deep emotion as I work on these pieces. Past experience has shown that I grow attached to anything I spend a lot of time on, (paintings in particular) so this is nothing new, except for the fact that I have never worked on a series dedicated to something I’m already completely attached to. My subjects have almost always been fun and lighthearted or even witty, so there’s an element of humor attached to them to keep them from being too weighty. In general, this is how I prefer to work. So my concern here is what sort of mood I want to convey. Choosing a color scheme will be vital in getting the particular mood across, so even though I may already have a composition in mind, color is something that I often change my mind on as I work. Would treating these paintings in a serious tone make them too overwhelming? Can I find humor or wit in something I’m so deeply attached to? How do I convey that? These are all questions that are nipping at my heels as I work through the conceptualizing stage…and questions I’ve never really had to think about before. Yes, I have painted three of these people before, but the situations were much different then. I may be overanalyzing this…as the answers to these questions will appear as I work (as they often do) but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it.

In related news, my dad and I went to get the wood for the frames last night. I’m planning on starting with ten 24″x32″ canvases and choosing projects from there. My first one will be a diptych and I may do some variations on the multiple canvases theme since I had so much fun with that in the past. Using smaller canvases will allow me a lot more flexibility in size and portability so this is very exciting to me. Also, sticking with a standard size is a good idea for uniformity just in case I decide I might want to show them in a gallery one day. And if this is the case, there is nothing I want more than to have Ross at my side to share the moment…even two years ago when I had “Avatar” in the gallery that was the one thing I wanted more than anything. I didn’t get my wish then, but hopefully this is something we can share in the future.

Merry Xmas all. It came and went without incident at my house…had family dinner on Xmas eve and opened gifts (which took about 10 minutes)…we all basically gave each other gift cards and cash so there wasn’t a whole lot of wrapping paper to deal with. (Not as if I’d wrap gifts anyhow.) I got DVDs of Defending Your Life, The Producers, and Northern Exposure S2 as well as GTA:SA for PS2. Also a hot water kettle. The gift cards will be nice because I’m really hurting for money right now and I’ll be needing things like shampoo. You know, necessities.

Christmas day was dinner at aunt and uncle’s place as usual…I fielded questions about my trip and deflected comments about the meaning of the ring. In case it’s not apparent, it is not an engagement ring. Yes, we are devoted to each other and have every intention of being together, but it’s not time to be thinking about marriage yet. The two of us have differing opinions on the matter of marriage, but we both agree that it’s not something we need to worry about right now. Simply being on the same continent would be a good starting place, ne? :-)

I only had Friday off from work so there wasn’t a whole lot of down time. I spent a good portion of the time either playing WoW or watching DVDs and crocheting. I plan on having Ross’s blanket finished before his birthday at the end of March. That should be more than do-able. I plan to start painting again once I’ve finished it, which is both exciting and a little scary to me. I’ve changed and developed a lot on a personal level since the last time I painted and the subject matter I intend to cover is much more personal this time so I’ll be exposing a lot of myself with the new series. I haven’t decided what sort of style and color I want to use but I already have a general idea of size and scale. I won’t be doing too much that’s very large this time…though that may change.

Actually, heh, I just took a break when a few ideas struck me…and upon my return…I realized I can’t guarantee the smaller size thing. Um…Ross…if your head ends up being six feet tall, it’s not my fault, it’s what the painting wants. And as my history has shown, fighting with the painting gets me nowhere; if it’s going to work at all I have to listen to the painting, tend to its needs and desires. ^^;; In all seriousness though, I think in general I’m done with the GIANT canvases idea for the time being…I really like the idea of large-scale projects and I had soooo much fun with my triptych that I may explore the multiple canvases for one painting idea. I have some good basic ideas that could translate really well for that. Now…to get the frames built and canvas stretched and primed… :-D To be honest, the pre-painting stage may be my favorite part of the process. I have to see if my gesso is still any good…it’s been years since I last used it.

More fun on the WoW front…two things of note occurred: my character’s name got changed because it wasn’t “fantasy,” which is fair enough considering I used “ovaltine.” So she’s “Anny” now, which is decent enough. Secondly, my pet bear was missing one day when I logged into my account. I hadn’t abandoned it…after all I would have known if I had since a prompt comes up asking you if you’re sure you want to do that, so I really don’t know what happened. Another player helped me get myself a new bear, a better, stronger bear, (which I named Chrix!) Waaah! So it’s all good now. The game still irritates me on a regular basis because I keep getting quests I’m not powerful enough to do on my own and there’s no one around when I’m playing (or when there is, the gap between our levels is so huge as to make partying a waste…or they are too far away, or otherwise engaged, etc.) I whine a lot in the game because I get so frustrated, which I’m sure annoys the other players, but I really want to have a good time with the game. Jules and Ross both helped me do a few quests that were kicking my ass but for the most part my bear and I hunt and die together without a party. :\ I wonder how much longer this game will be at the forefront of everyone’s lives. A month? Two? TBA.

Watched Shrek 2, Dodgeball, Frida and half of Van Helsing this weekend. Nothing too spectacular in the sense that I’d want to purchase them, but all were okay in their own way with the exception of Van Helsing which I actually had no interest in finishing. :-( Not even the drawing power of Hugh Jackman could keep my attention. The style was cool, but like Underworld there wasn’t a whole lot of interesting plot…it just got jumbled. Meh.

I’ve been battling bouts of loneliness since Xmas. Unwrapping gifts, being close to family…it’s such an intimate thing…and all I wanted was to have Ross there with me. Being apart at this time of year is especially hard for me (and for him, no doubt.) It is a wonderful, amazing feeling knowing that there is someone out there who loves you more than anything, but with that beauty comes pain. That’s the trade-off for the happiness, you see. It’s something I’ve always known comes with this deal so I accept it, but it still is tough. I felt a bit better after calling up a few friends who I haven’t seen for awhile but there really is no substitute for the real thing. Still, I need to stay positive and try not to focus on the negative. I’ve gotten better at this in recent years since I’ve had good things happening in my life, but the tendency to be pessimistic is hard to fight sometimes, especially when it’s so much easier to wallow (and admittedly, at times it feels good to sulk.) Cynicism will never get the best of me in the long run though, you can count on that.

Driving on snow/ice is one of the scariest things ever…I absolutely hate it. When you feel the car start to slide and there’s nothing you can do to control it, the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming, as if you’re leaving your fate open to whatever the universe feels like dealing you at that moment in time. In some ways I’m even more nervous driving my new car in winter weather because it’s more powerful than my old car. The old car had trouble getting to 30mph whereas my new one doesn’t want to do anything less than that. I do have antilock brakes and traction control on my Grand Am but even still…it’s very nervewracking. A work colleague suggested getting snow tires but that’s something I really cannot afford, especially since I needed to ask my parents for help paying my car insurance. :-( So I have to drive about 20 minutes from the country to the city to work each day, and it’s definitely not something I look forward to whatsoever. :\ I can’t wait to move to the Northwest where snow is not an issue.

Well, yesterday found me a bit more cheerful than I’ve been since I got home. The global WoW server was down so I actually got to talk to Ross for a bit during the morning. (But in all fairness to him, he said he’d intended to drop in and have a chat regardless.) He uploaded his photos from my trip, and of those, I’ve found my favorite picture of us together. I must say that in life Ross is an incredibly attractive man, (Rose will back me up on this one) but for whatever reason most photos of him don’t do him justice. This photo in particular, however, seems to have caught both of us looking rather sharp. Just looking at it makes me melt…huuuu. :3 I love Ross so much.

Yeah, also Shaun of the Dead came out on DVD in the US yesterday. :-D To avoid the Christmas shoppers I took an early lunch and hopped over to Target to see if I could find a copy. I was about to leave in defeat when I found a few copies on a back endcap of the DVD section, hidden away. Not surprising, really, considering the pathetic coverage the film got when it was released in theatres here. But I got it! :-D :D I stopped on my way back to get a grinder (baked sub) for lunch and felt rather upbeat as I drove back to work. The sun was shining! The snow on the road was melting! I actually got to use my sun visor! Waaa. It’s just incredible how a little bit of sunlight can bring my mood up. I’ve been in perpetual darkness since I got back, after a month in the Australian sun (even if I didn’t spend much time there outdoors, at least I could see the sunlight.) So the afternoon went rather well; I popped the DVD in the drive and listened to the audio commentary while I worked (two tracks of it!) I also ordered the boxed set of Spaced from amazon.co.uk since it’s pretty apparent that it won’t be released in North America anytime soon (and I have no idea whether Australia will get it either.) With shipping it ended up only being about $34US (converted from GBP of course) so hopefully it won’t take too long for that to arrive.

Speaking of which…I really wonder when Black Books is going to come in… :-( I really want to listen to the audio commentary on that first disc. Stupid faulty DVD set. :-(

Driving home yesterday wasn’t too bad either because the temperature had gone up some during the day. Mom made soup and grilled cheese for supper, which turned out to be just what I needed. She noticed my mood had changed quite a bit and we briefly talked about the horrible shock my body had gone through upon coming back here and how it wasn’t surprising I’d been depressed. But now that my sleep schedule is mostly back on track I’m doing okay…I’m still sleeping a lot more than I usually have because it’s just so damned cold at night that all I want to do is cuddle into my blankets, but at least I’m sleeping at appropriate times now. I spent a good portion of the night playing Katamari Damacy since WoW had to download a new patch and for whatever reason it was going at dialup speed. I never actually got around to playing WoW because by the time the patch finished it was nearly midnight and I was too tired. Meh. I guess it’s inevitable that my character will always be way behind the others playing, but I can’t be bothered spending all my free time trying to level her up.

I had an interesting and irritating glitch happen the other day…I was in a party with AussieWill and we got on a boat. I thought I’d be funny and make my character sleep while on the boat, so she lay down and her pet bear stood over the top of her. Will decided to lay his character over mine so there was just this pile of intersecting polygons that resembled two female humanoids and a bear, which frankly was hilarious. It was all fine and dandy until the loading screen came up and rather than loading the new map, the bear vanished, then my character vanished, and suddenly the boat was gone and my character was in the middle of the water. WTF? She died twice trying to get back to the docks and by the time she found Will’s character in town I was too tired to continue.

In between gaming and sleep I’ve been watching bits of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, which I’ve been wanting to watch for ages now. This morning I finally saw the famous “Dead Parrot” sketch which is always referenced (having seen the “Confuse a Cat” sketch the previous day.) Even by today’s standards, these sketches are incredibly hilarious, but given they were done in the ’60s and ’70s it’s even more amazing. I amuse myself by realizing now and again that the young Eric Idle is very attractive to me. Plus Terry Gilliam’s animations are just brilliant…genius in their silliness and simplicity.

This morning was freakishly cold. I have to park my car about 4 blocks from the building I work in because it’s the nearest place to park all day on the street (without paying, of course) so it’s a very trying walk when the temperature is so low. So, for several reasons, I decided I’d jog from my car to the library. I’m not completely out of shape given all the exercise I’d done over summer, so that wasn’t really a problem…it was the frigidity of the air that made my lungs feel like they were on fire when I finally reached the building. Normally when you think of cold air you associate it with “refreshing” and “brisk.” Well, brisk it was…dear god. My lungs felt equal parts pleasure and pain…and I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that wide awake, EVER. It took several minutes for me to be able to feel the skin on my face again. When I got inside and checked weather.com it said the temp was -3°F with windchill factor -17°F. Daaaayam, that air is so FRESH. SNIP!

I really miss everyone in Australia, especially the certain things about each person that made their personalities so alive, the phrases they’d use over and over again: Ross going back and forth from his usual solemn expression to his demented one, replying to obvious comments with “Daaaamn straight!”…doing clever things to cause Rosey to give him her famous Look which inevitably reduced her to uncontrollable laughter near the point of gibbing (to be pronounced ghib, not jib)…Ivan and his ridiculous high pitched “mmm-MMMMMM!” sound and that cute demonic grin he always seems to have on his face (for some reason I can hear him saying “Cashrews” over and over again in my head)…Jules and his half-crosseyed gaze, whispering “Anny, how’re you going?”…the way Siska would say something then click her tongue…Will punctuating anything mildly confusing with “Whaaaaaaaaaat?”…Paul saying “I doaen’t knoaew” over and over (my absolute favorite phrase to be said in an Aussie accent because of the “o” vowel sound)…Reg singing in the kitchen and Ally laughing her giddy and gleeful laugh…Kate talking non-stop between watching horrible Aussie soap operas. These are all things that just resonate with me because they are everyday things that you simply can’t pick up any other way than physically being there in the same place as them. And that’s really what the trip was all about after all…getting to know the habits and everyday personalities of these people in a sensual way, rather than only intellectual. I don’t mean sensual as anything to do with physical intimacy, but in terms of an overall “feeling” a person gives off–the sort of things you take for granted about people you’ve known for a long time in “real life.”

sigh I’ve been somewhat depressed since I got back from Australia. This has to do with many factors, most of which are blatantly obvious. For one thing, I am now away from some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life, people who showered me with adoration at every possible opportunity. I’m as physically far removed from the person I love more than anyone else as is possible, and yeah, that hurts a lot. Also, the weather there was warm and sunny, as they are going into summer, and upon my return I was greeted with horrible cold, snow, and darkness. I also had to come back to work after a month of relaxation, which means I don’t see daylight anymore. When I get up in the morning it’s dark and when I leave in the afternoon it’s already dark, plus I work in the basement of a library so there are no windows to see outside. So unless for some crazed reason I’d decide to go outside for lunch the only time I’d see daylight is on the weekends. Hrm. And to top it all off, I’m running very low on money and won’t be getting paid until (I think) February 1 because of the way the pay schedule is one month off and I’m only paid once a month. This doesn’t bode well for the Christmas season. I’m really not in the mood for Xmas right now, and thinking of having to spend more money on presents makes me feel ill.

I’ve been spending most of my free time doing one of two things: either sleeping or playing World of Warcraft. I’ve been going to bed at extremely early times (before 8pm some nights) and thus waking up really early in the morning. I feel so dragged down so all the sleep really doesn’t help. But if I’m not laying in bed or sitting with blankets piled on me, I get too cold, so sleep really is the most attractive option. I’ve lost all the weight I gained in Australia already, and probably a bit more because I really haven’t felt much like eating. :\

And then WoW…I’ve mostly been giving it a shot because I wanted something fun to do with the Aussies and it seemed like it might be a reasonably cool game (since I was so hooked on Diablo II for so long.) Once my free month is up I don’t know if I’ll continue playing it or not (ever since I got my PS2 I’ve lost interest in computer games) but I’ll see. The character I’m playing right now is a Night Elf Hunter and she’s only now beginning to get some skills and abilities that are useful at level 14. She’s still quite a bit behind the other characters the Aussies are playing but I imagine if I keep playing enough she’ll get better. I’ve done some really stupid things in the game like dying halfway down a waterfall that goes right off the top of the map, so my spirit couldn’t reach the body (and thus I had to swim all the way around the island to get back on land since there were cliffs the whole way around save for a tiny little fishing village at the bottom.) I’m very deficient at reading and translating maps so I never know where I’m going. That’s one of the main reasons I hate soloing, because I never know where to go ;_; The game really is only fun to me when I’m in a party with other people I know.

I’m thinking about going back to Australia again for a month once this job is over in June. I may spend a week or so with Will in Seattle so I can see what it’s like, then go out to Perth again. I think I’ll probably move to Portland/Seattle after I come back if that works out. I still need to discuss times that work with Rosey and others with commitments but hopefully that would work. At this point I really really need something to look forward to, something to live for, because I feel so terribly uninspired, and…well, frozen. I want to start painting again but I haven’t felt the spark yet. I suppose it would help a lot to look to the one thing that most inspires me, love, but even there I need a starting point. I’ve come to the realization that I really don’t think I want to be a graphic designer…and of course the thing I love to do most is painting. Once I’m out on the west coast I plan to start looking at co-op galleries and see if I can get my work up. I know a life as a painter wouldn’t be easy in the least but if there’s anything I’ve learned in the last year, it’s that following your heart will open doors for you that you never even knew were there.

I miss my Aussie friends so terribly it brings me to tears every time I think of it. Being there was the most amazing experience I’ve ever had. I am thankful to have had the opportunity to live a dream. The “what next” idea scares me a lot but as Jules said the other day, “It’s not over yet.” As long as I keep that in mind I think I’ll be okay. The best is yet to come, I know.

I arrived home last Wednesday night sometime after 9PM. The plane was over an hour late getting into Los Angeles, so I missed my connecting flight, but they put me on a later flight and I was still able to make my final connection back to Wisconsin on time. So all was good.

I knew I was going to be horribly jetlagged but still I went with my natural instinct to sleep when my body wanted me to and therefore my internal clock is still messed up. Going back to work this week has helped to “right” me somewhat but I’m still quite tired during the day and awake at night. But really, how is that any different than I’ve been all my life? Heh.

In any case, now that I’m back, I’ll be calling this journal finished, at least for this particular episode in my life. I’ll likely resurrect it for my next trip, which I began scheming up the second I got off the plane in Los Angeles. It’s been an incredibly difficult process adjusting to being back home after this for many reasons, not the least of which being the change in weather and time zone. I miss my friends terribly, excrutiatingly. I felt a sad desperation as I dropped my bags off in my bedroom at home, realizing I’d have to return to my old life again after a month of absolute heaven.

I can take solace in the fact that I’d actually been fortunate enough to experience my biggest dream, that I’d done everything to make it happen rather than only sit and dream about it, as well as the idea that this is only the beginning. I will be returning, and if all goes well, my friends will visit me here. Though hopefully by that point I will be somewhere more fun and inspiring, like Portland.

Taking this trip was possibly the best decision I’ve ever made. It has affected me more deeply than anything I’ve ever done, and it’s so comforting to see my instincts about many things proven correct. I now can say with complete honesty I know what true happiness feels like.

I held it together quite a bit better than I’d ever expected I would (or could) given the highly emotional circumstances. Monday night we had dinner at Ross’s house and as I stood there in his kitchen I was suddenly overcome with extreme sadness. All at once it just hit me that I was going to be leaving these people all too soon and there was nothing I could do about it. It was something that all of us knew had to happen, so it’s not like we weren’t prepared. Knowing we must part doesn’t really make it any easier though, but one thing it does for sure is make you appreciate every single moment you have together.

So standing in his kitchen, reheating leftover refrigerator hodge-podge, the tears just started flowing. Of course there was no point in trying to ignore them or hide the fact that I was feeling this way from the others–it would nearly go against everything that makes me ME if I wasn’t feeling intense emotion over something so big. I asked Jules and Ross to keep me distracted so I didn’t have to dwell on it just then but it only helped to a certain degree. I’d been drinking beer for a good portion of the night which I suppose didn’t help any, but after dinner when we began watching “Futurama” episodes I just lost it. I sobbed quietly next to the couch while the others laughed at episodes I’d seen several times before. To be honest, I don’t even recall which they were as my mind was more focused on how much pain I was feeling. Ross kindly broght me a box of tissues and sat next to me, caressing me until I calmed down.

Jules took Rosey home after awhile and I suggested going for a walk so I could get some fresh air and clear my head. So Ross, Will and I walked down along the train tracks. It was an absolutely beautiful night out–stars everywhere and a cool, comfortable breeze. Ross pointed out a constellation called the Southern Cross and mentioned that this was what was shown on the Australian flag. I’d wondered what the stars represented and was satisfied to finally find out.

The three of us enjoyed a casual and friendly chat (mostly about cars) and laughed at a sign that said “Do Not Excavate” over which someone had spraypainted “Meh.” And of course the obligatory genitalia sprayed over several of the icons for pedestrian walking (some much more…impressive…than others.) After I began getting a bit cold a we headed back (we’d walked a rather considerable distance) and I began getting tired as well trying to keep up as both Will and Ross have longer legs than I do (and therefore walk faster.) I spent the night cuddled up to Ross and was awoken to his step brother playing Green Day at an insane volume in the adjoining room.

After Jules called, we got up and met up at Rosey’s. Rosey wanted to go do some stuff at uni so she and Jules took off and Ross, Will and I headed into the city and stopped off at JB’s to exchange my copy of “Black Books” since the second disc appears to be faulty. Unfortunately they had no more copies of it (despite having more than 10 earlier in the week) so Ross put down his name so they could call him whne the next shipment came in. Sigh. That means that he’ll have to post it to me later on which sucks because it’ll be extra cost and time for him (and longer for me to wait.) Oh well. I have the avi files to hold me over. After that we met JnR at the Galleria for lunch because I had a craving for karaage chicken. Once we’d eaten we putzed around Myer for a bit (Rosey bought chocolates) and then Ross suggested stopping by the jewelry store we’d visited the previous week. Many sounds of “aww” were murmured around the group when they realized he was buying me a ring. It was a very simple but elegant 18kt white gold band with a bit of detailing on it. When the store employee took it out and I tried it on she said “It fits you perfectly–it must be a sign.” Admittedly, that was rather cool that it fit me right off the shelf without adjustment (though looking at it now, it’s a wee bit loose on my left ring finger…but it fits perfectly on my right one…strange that they’re different sizes…) Ross seemed very pleased that it went so well, and I’m sure a large part of that was him noticing that I was happy with it. I’m not really too much of a jewelry person but the ring is gorgeous and it really suits me. I’m very proud to wear it, as it reminds me of the bond Ross and I share. Mmm. :-)

In any case, after lunch and ring shopping we went back to Rosey’s and mucked about with video games until we began getting hungry again. Will left to have dinner with his family, and after much deliberation we decided to get OMGWTFBBQ chicken and chips (fries) and beer, so we went on an excursion to procure said items. Knowing full well this was my last night there, I drank 4 beers (Cooper’s Sparkling Ale is my new favorite) and consumed copious amounts of chicken and chips at Ross’s place. Will and Ivan showed up partway through the meal (Ivan brought Asahi, which I tried and really enjoyed) and the lot of us watched “And Now For Something Completely Different.” I missed out on quite a bit given my state but that’s okay.

When people were fit to drive we heaed back to Rosey’s place. I said goodbye to Ivan for the last time. :-( We played video games and I ended up falling asleep several times in uncomfortable positions. Sometime after 3AM Ross made some tea and Jules and I went for a walk. Again, the weather was absolutely beautiful. The moon was a crescent (lit from the bottom!) and the entire outline of the dark part of the moon was visible. Absolutely gorgeous. We talked about how wonderful and amazing it was that we’d finally gotten to meet face to face, and lamented the severe lack of time we’d had to spend alone together. We discussed how my presence there had positively affected everyone, especially Ross. Since Jules knows Ross better than anyone else I trust him when he says that I’ve made a noticeable impact on Ross’s behavior and attitude simply by being there to love him. Hearing him say that made me feel really good as Jules’ opinion matters to me more than most people. I trust him completely, wholeheartedly. I really do wish we’d had more time alone but we did make the most of the opportunities we did have.

When we got back we had the tea and I cuddled with Ross until it was time to pack my things and get ready to go. Ross offered me his “IDOL” shirt and I hesitated before agreeing to take it. It’s been such an icon for him that in a way it almost seemed wrong to take it, but at the same time it’s getting old and worn and is something he’s loved, so having something like that to remind me of him is quite an honor. It didn’t take long to pack up, which was nice because it gave me more time to spend close to Ross, stress-free. We spent the remaining time gazing achingly into each others’ eyes, our love reflecting back at both of us.

Then the time arrived to leave for the airport. We packed into Ross’s parents’ Volvo and headed off. When we got there it turned out that the flight had been delayed by 45 minutes. The five of us say in the terminal waiting, trying to ignore the stupid American TV shows playing on the monitors and finally they called for my flight. Up until that point I’d been uncharacteristically calm and composed but then I just burst out crying. I hugged each person in turn, saving my last embrace for Ross, who had begun to tear up slightly. It was the first time I’d seen him exhibit real sadness, and I knew then it was just as painful for him as it was for me. The ache was terrible, excrutiating. I turned back once as I boarded the plane and the tears just flowed uncontrollably. A flight attendant fave me tissues as I got on board and the guy in the seat next to me asked if I was leaving someone. :-(

The flight ended up being over an hour and a half late and when I got into Sydney, I rushed to the international transfer bus and barely got there in time to get a seat. They had to turn people away because there was no more room. The lines in immigration were really long but somehow I got in ahead of most of the people from my flight and booked ass to the international terminal. Luckily the 747 to Los Angeles was waiting for us there (there were 20+ passengers on the flight from Perth–it had also lost time flying into a headwind–waiting to get on this one and it was the last flight to the states that day.) I had an aisle seat (tyhe first time ever, and thank god for that) and was seated next to a newlywed couple of Aussies. The dude had to have been at least 15-20 years older than his wife (I’d thought at first that she was his daughter!) Oh well, they were nice anyhow, even if it was a bit creepy. The flight attendant dude gave them champagne and offered me some too since I was there.

I’m a bit worried that I won’t have enough time in Los Angeles to go through customs and change from international to domestic considering this flight is 45 minutes behind schedule but we’ll see what happens. I just need to get myself to Chicago then Appleton. It should all be okay. Sigh.

They’ve turned out all the lights in here now that it’s past 10:30 local time (Sydney) so I’m writing by the light of the LCD panel in the seat ahead of me, which currently is displaying a continuously updating map of our location and distance from origin and to destination, as well as just about every piece of information you could possibly want.

I really don’t want to go back to my old life now that I’ve had this month of absolute happiness. Not having to worry about driving everywhere or going to work or cooking or cleaning has been fantastic. Not to mention being surrounded by people who adore me and are constantly hugging me, cuddling me, and just being overall fantastically adoring. I am really going to miss that physical closeness I have with them since the majority of my friends at home are not comfortable with physical affection.

Of course it goes without saying that the thing I’ll miss most is my Ross, the person I am completely and totally in love with. I have never felt the way I do about him with anyone else and believe more strongly than ever that I am meant to be with him. He and I are perfect for each other and there is no doube we are both crazy about each other. He embodies everyting I have ever wanted in a partner and in addition to our deep emotional connection I am incredibly attracted to him. There is no one else I would rather be with, and I fully intend to spend the rest of my life with him. We just have to work out the logistics of making that a reality, which admittedly is no small taks, but it’ll be worth all the effort and sacrifice in the end. I truly could die happy now that I’ve achieved what is most important to me in life–finding true love.

Yesterday was pretty fun and exciting. The previous night Ross had taken me out to dinner and I spent the night (consequently going to bed at a fairly late hour) so it was extremely difficult to get up at a reasonable time, but I’m glad we did. The six of us (Julesenrosey, Will, Siska, Ross and myself) went to the John Forrest National Park, which is about 1/2 hour or so away. Ross showed us Darlington, where he and Jules grew up. The roads are really windy and extremely steep, and it’s basically right in the bush. I heard many tales of hills taken on bicycles at high speed which resulted in many a crash into various trees and other plant life. Heh. In any case, Jules and Ross relived their childhood by climbing hills and rocks and giving their bodies a beating.

Our entourage had lunch in a park then went back to Jules’ place to have a swim (the water was bloody cold but it was fun anyhow.) We watched some “Black Books” (everyone seems to be particularly interested in the show now, which is awesome because it’s good fun.) In the evening we went to get gourmet pizzas and spent a little time by the river while we waited for them to be made. This reminded me a little of Oshkosh, which was kind of cool and sad at the same time.

We went back to Rosey’s to consume the pizza (it was fantastic) then I quickly changed clothes and Ross and I hurried back to his place so he could change (his folks were waiting for us already) and the four of us hopped in Max (their Volvo) and went to Paul’s ballet recital (Paul is Ross’s pseudo-step-brother.) It was in an outdoor ampitheatre (I didn’t know this before hand and the wind was pretty cold up there so I was shivering madly until Reg offered me his leather coat. Very nice. We went back to Ross’s place afterwards and Ross and I had a short but meaningful conversation about our future and then cuddled for a bit before he took me back to Rosey’s because he was dead tired and had to work today.

Behind me Siska is sitting on Will’s lap on Rosey’s bed calling out “Bubble Tea! Bubble Tea!” Heh. Today is her last day here before she goes back to Indonesia so we’ll be going out to the city for lunch and Bubble Tea and probably a bit of shopping, and then tonight we’ll see her off at the airport.

**Later on**

We saw Siska off to the airport. Ross got done with work earlyish so he was able to come along too, which was nice. Jules was working on his projects so we weren’t able to see him today (sucktastic.) Hrm, so much has happened in the last while and I haven’t been blogging because I’ve been around the people I care about so much, attempting to spend every possible moment with them. I don’t even really miss the internet or chatting on IRC since the people I communicate the most with are actually here in physical form. Once I get home I’ll be back to my old ways again I’m sure.

Augh, we’ve been eating out for nearly every meal so I’ve gained weight, and it sucks. :-( It’s all worth it though…I mean, how many opportunities like this will I have? Since it’s winter back at home I’ll have to settle for DDR and tae bo instead of rollerblading in terms of exercise, but that should be okay for a few months.

Mmm. Friday night was really nice. Ross and I went out on a real date (heh) which was odd. It wasn’t the fact that I was out with him that was strange, mainly the fact that I was dressed up nicely (as was he) which I’m not used to whatsoever. The food was pretty good (not nearly as nice as Victoria’s back in Wisconsin, but good nonetheless) but Ross got a bit of a headache so we got some beer after dinner and took it back to his place. We watched the “Smeg Ups” tape of “Red Dwarf” and then cuddled. It was difficult to make ourselves go to bed that night (since we were going to the national park early the following morning) but we eventually got to sleep.

Other things that have happened recently…

The group of us played 1000 Blank White Cards one evening, which was great fun. Ivan in particular picked up the idea very quickly and a lot of his cards reminded me of things Will used to do in the game. (I miss you Will.)

One evening after Rose went to bed I had tea with Jules and we chatted for quite awhile about fairly meaningful things and shared many things simply through sustained eye contact. I like to really study peoples’ eyes and watch their expressions and it was wonderful that Jules didn’t feel uncomfortable enough to break the gaze. Only a brief mention of me leaving got me in tears and he held me while I calmed down. He’s written an absolutely beautiful passage about this particular evening in his journal.

We had dinner at Will’s parents’ restaurant for his 21st birthday. I’d never had Vietnamese food before but it was quite like most Asian foods I’ve had, only better. It was absolutely fantastic. We took a ton of photos and afterwards went back to Rosey’s place to play many rounds of Warioware. Fun.

One evening the gang took me to see the beach for the first time. Okay, Oshkosh has a lot of lakes and rivers and therefore a lot of shore but I’ve never actually been on a real beach before. We went right at sunset so it was absolutely gorgeous. It was a bit cold though, but no matter. We had fish and chips (I had a chicken sandwich because I’d had fish the previous evening and was fished out.)

Rose and Siska took me on a tour of parts of their university. We were going to stalk one of Rosey’s cute lecturers but he was out. Too bad. It’s a beautiful, small campus.

So I suppose it’s about time to write about my impressions of Perth now that I’ve been here nearly a month.

• The water goes down the drain clockwise. (verified in Rosey’s shower) The toilets here don’t flush the same way American ones do so I couldn’t test this way.
• Many of the street signs are hilarious to me because I’ve never seen them before. The one for the foot/bike path depicts the figure of a man above a bike. It looks like he’s doing an insane stunt in Grand Theft Auto.
• No one here says “soda.” It’s always “Coke” no matter what the soft drink is. Pepsi is “Coke.”
• Perth is extremely multicultural. There are all varieties of restaurants and stores in which things are in different languages. The place has a very high Asian population.
• It’s very strange for me to enter a place with my friends and look around only to realize I’m the only white person in the room. This has happened on several occasions, and it never seems weird until I really think about it.
• I’m not picking up the Aussie accent. Ross mumbles terribly, Rose has a Malaysian accent, Siska has an Indonesian accent, and both Ivan and Jules sound more British than Australian. Aside from Ross’s family, Will is about the only person whose accent sounds particularly Aussie. That’s okay though. :-)
• Everything is so much cheaper here, including food. The money is worth less than US dollars ($1 here is about equivalent to 70 cents in the US) Often times, especially with food, you get more for your money anyhow. DVDs are strangely quite a bit cheaper than those in the states. I got two seasons of “Six Feet Under” for about $45AUD each whereas in the states they’re $95USD each (which equates to about 1/4 the cost!) I have eaten out almost every meal this month and have shopped for some souvenirs and still have not spent more than $400AUD!
• There are roundabouts and speed humps all over the place, and the yield signs say “Give Way.” All the cars are right hand drive and they drive on the left side of the road. Turning left on a red light is illegal.
• Most of the stores close down at 5:30PM each day except Thursday when they’re open a bit later, so you have to get all your shopping in before that time. Most food places are open later than that but you’re hard-pressed to find other establishments open. Very strange to get used to.
• Public transportation is very good and fairly inexpensive. It’s easy to get from place to place using buses and Rose and Siska were able to get me on the bus for the student rate by using a multirider card that gets scanned when you get on the bus. Bwaha.
• Rose goes shopping for food just about every day because she doesn’t decide until the last minute what she’s going to make. I’m accustomed to planning ahead a bit and shopping once a week so it was a very rare day when we didn’t go shopping for one thing or another.
• The sun comes up really early here, like around 5AM. It shines really bright and gets the noisy birds going. I was woken up to this nearly every morning here.
• Rain is spotty and comes and goes quickly. You could be driving somewhere and it starts raining and by the time you’ve reached for the windshield wipers it’s already stopped.
• The city has a lot of people in it but I never feel unsafe. No one looks like they’re about to kill you or pick your pocket, which is a very strange concept for me to deal with. Every large city I’ve been in I’ve felt uneasy or suspicious but I don’t feel any of that here. For the most part people are very friendly.
• Because of the overwhelming international population here I haven’t run into any prejudice over me being an American. Strangely, I haven’t run into any other Americans here, but there are people with every imaginable accent in almost any store or restaurant you enter. Very very cool.
• It’s very funny to look at signage for places that exist in the states because often times it’ll be the same company with the same logo but some part of it is spelled differently. Burger King is “Hungry Jack’s” here. Same logo too. Michelin tire professionals are “tyre” professionals.
• A lot of the signage in the city is painted rather than printed or neons. The letters are often big, bold, and neon-colored and often hand-painted. It’s a lot to look at and take in. There’s a sad excess of Comic Sans usage which it is my sad duty to point out at every opportunity.
• The Aussie stereotype of having a yard full of cars (most of which are clunkers) seems to be rather true. Ross’s family has 8 cars for 5 people.
• A lot of the city is paved with brick and other fancy types of masonry. It looks really clean and classy, much like how downtown Portland is. Beautiful.
• Honkey nuts are as prevalent here as acorns are in the states. They are absolutely everywhere.

I’m sure there’s a ton more I can come up with but that’s good for now.

Well, my final days here are at hand. I leave here on Wednesday morning and arrive back home on Wednesday night despite a travel time of over 30 hours. I’m not looking forward to going back to snow and cold and the 12 hour flight. Guh. More importantly though, I really do not want to leave my friends. I’ve felt so welcome and at home with them and I feel as if they’ve become a second family to me. It’s so easy to feel like everything is completely right when surrounded by these people…Wednesday will quite possibly be the worst day of my life. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with having to leave. :\