I discovered something quite remarkable this week while I was downloading stuff. I happened across a bootleg of the audio for the A Perfect Circle concert I saw last November. Based on the filename I was pretty sure it could be the same concert, but I wasn’t sure. When I took a listen, though, the memories came flooding back. It was exactly the same concert, and the quality of the audio was absolutely amazing. That night I went to bed extremely gleeful, as I was looking forward to listening to the music at work the next day in addition to the usual excitement over my impending trip to Australia. :3 Of course I called up TR the following day to let him know about the CD because I knew he’d want to get ahold of it. I haven’t seen him very much since school ended, so it was cool to talk to him for a little bit again. I miss him a lot.
At the end of this month I’ll actually have enough saved for my plane ticket already. :-D Yaaaay! As this was the whole reason for the reinstatement of my No-Spend plan, I decided it would be okay to make an exception and purchase something that a) was on sale at an incredible price, and b) I really need. I’ve been spending a little bit of time every night for the last while burning CDs or DVDs to clear off my hard drives. It actually got pretty ridiculous at one point, in which one of my drives got down to 1.14 MEGAbytes. Not gigs. Megs. I mean, holy crap. And every time I looked up into my closet and saw my Dazzle video capture device, a wave of sadness would wash over me. I have no storage space left. So I was looking on Best Buy’s website and I came across a special on a 250 GB Maxtor hard drive for $150. That was the cheapest I was able to find it anywhere so I decided this would be an acceptable purchase. I ordered that as well as an IDE add-on card so I can just add this drive in rather than swapping one of my other ones out. I think the course of action will be to partition off my 60 GB drive into a Windows partition and an applications partition, then collapse the partition on my 120 GB hard drive (which currently contains Windows on one and applications and data on the other) to make it a data-only drive, and use the new 250 GB for video editing. I would really like to get all my Caroline in the City episodes captured and put on DVD so I can get rid of my VHS tapes. As far as I know my Sony standalone player can play DVD-R discs so that would be really cool if I could make a DVD set out of my tapes. Then try to sell the tapes on eBay or something.
Okay, so I spent $200 on that purchase (drive and card) and I must admit I felt extremely guilty about it. I had Ross’s face staring at me from my computer screen and I really really felt bad about it. Of course this means that my method of keeping myself from spending money recklessly is working, but maybe a little too well. I talked to Ross about it after I did it and he told me not to feel guilty because it was a good choice. I will still be able to afford to go to Australia so I guess that means it’s a win-win situation. I also purchased some more exercise clothes because it was getting pretty disgusting to skate in the same thing every day for a week when I’ve been sweating as much as I have. One of the tops I bought shows a lot of cleavage though, which makes me feel really self-conscious, and I do notice that people look at me differently when I wear it. Especially guys. Okay, so I have a huge chest, but my eyes are up here! And don’t look at me like that, I have a boyfriend who I’m completely and utterly devoted to. Get out of my way, stop leering and let me skate. There were a couple guys last week who were trying to flirt with me but I had no interest in that, I just kept skating past without interacting with them…which only seemed to spur them on. sigh Why did I not get this kind of attention when I was single and wanted it? I guess I give off an aura of confidence and allure because I’m in love, and maybe that’s what they’re attracted to. In any case, there is only one man I want checking me out.
Otherwise…lately I’ve been skating 10 miles almost every day and spending the remainder of the evening in my room burning discs and crocheting. I’ve also been horribly addicted to this browser-based RPG called The Kingdom of Loathing which at first glance seems super-low in quality but in actuality is incredibly clever and complex. Several of my online friends have been playing as well and we’ve made a clan. Any game where an item called “anticheese” can be combined with “goat’s cheese” to create “a goat” cannot be bad! :-D In terms of things occupying my thoughts lately, this game would be number two. Number one being, of course…well, it should be obvious. If it isn’t, you’re completely dense.
Yeah, I’ve been hanging out with Jon quite a bit lately, which has been great. My Gamecube and Dreamcast have both now taken up residence in his apartment, which is fine since I really don’t feel like playing games much anymore. (Even though I keep downloading DC games!) The only time I ever feel like playing at all is when I’m over there, so it works out pretty well, though I’m sure my playing of Animal Crossing isn’t all that exciting to him or Brian. XD That game is nothing but a time-waster, something to be played when you don’t really feel like doing anything meaningful. Okay, yes, video games are really fun. I have no problem admitting this…and I’ve spent a lot of time and energy engaged in gaming. But in the last few months I’ve pretty much lost my desire to game by myself at all. Sort of like I’ve lost my desire to hoard DVDs and miscellaneous stuff in my room. I’ve discovered some things that are so much more meaningful to me, and in all honesty I’d rather sit in my chair lost in thought than play a game. Of course there are some exceptions…when Silent Hill 4 is finally released I will definitely be playing that constantly until I beat it. But generally speaking…meh. Stuff is just stuff. And I don’t need it. When you’re in love, some things you place so much stock in tend to become moot and pointless if they’re only there as filler.
It’s really funny what love can do to a person. I’ve always been a very loving and passionate individual, which anyone who knows me will attest to. When I love someone or something, I adore it, cherish it, and have overwhelming feelings of goodness about it. There is no room for doubt…it’s always clear. Love has always been very integral in making me who I am…I would say this is the core element of my identity as a person. I believe I exist to love, that this is the reason I’ve been put on earth. I’ve always felt very in touch with my definition of love and what I perceived to be my capacity for it. Because of this, I truly believed I had been in love before. I really really loved my ex-boyfriends, that was never in question. But was I in love with them? If asked now, I’d have to say no. What I feel for Ross is so incredibly far beyond anything I have ever felt for any person…it’s difficult not to break down into a flurry of cliches when I try to describe it because this is where language begins to fail me. There is a real reason those cliches exist, because in many cases they are as close as one can get to describing the indescribable. It’s this feeling of complete and total selflessness…that I would give or do absolutely anything for him if it would make him happy, and my happiness would be garnered from his reaction to this. There is total trust and understanding, comfort, and honesty.
It makes sense that people’s definitions of love can grow and change as they discover things about themselves and their partners, that one person really can demonstrate to you what it means to love someone so purely that any preconceived ideas are just thrown out the window. In the last two weeks alone, I have been in utter amazement at the way my feelings for him have grown and matured, strengthened and intensified. Every time I talk to him I love him more than the last time. He is always the focus of my thoughts during the day and while I’m asleep, whether I’m aware of it or not. It’s interesting to think about our love as something of an experiment, as we are both developing an understanding of what it means to truly love someone, how it feels, and the impact it has on us all the way down to the soul. Even someone like me who loves so readily can only draw from the experiences they’ve had in life, so my understanding is still developing too. My capacity for love has been proven time and time again to be much higher than I ever expected, which can actually be a bit scary to think about because it just reminds me of how little I really know and understand of it. It is my sincere hope that I continue to surprise and delight myself by rediscovering every single day what it means to love him, and falling in love with him over and over again.
