I did some thinking this morning and came to the conclusion that by the time my job ends in October, if I save as much of my money as possible, I will realistically have more than enough to visit Australia. Which means that I very well could visit for the entire month of November. That idea scares me as much as it excites me, as this is the biggest, most important thing that’s ever happened to me. During a conversation with Ross this morning as I began to realize the implications of this, I began to lose it. My eyes welled up with tears and I started getting really anxious and terrified. I mean, this is HUGE. This is the thing I’ve wanted more than anything on earth…to visit the people I love so dearly.

I’m nervous for obvious reasons, the biggest being I don’t know how to get a passport or a visa, or what to do once I have those things. I have never flown alone, and never internationally. The flight is 30 hours long and has 3 stops: one in Los Angeles, one in Sydney, and finally in Perth. That alone will be an exhausting, overwhelming ordeal, but to top it off, the love of my life will be waiting for me at the airport. I will step off the plane in Perth and there he will be, waiting to wrap his warm and loving arms around me, and we’ll finally be together. That idea is more overwhelming than anything I can imagine. That will undoubtedly be the happiest day of my life, and no doubt, of his. That’s nothing to be taken lightly! I know I let things get to me more than I probably should, but for me to seriously consider that this could be a reality only a few months from now…I mean…I almost can’t deal with it. It’s so momentous, so huge, so epic. I feel like I’m going to explode.

I do have fears surrounding how I’ll actually handle it when the day arrives. When I finally enter the airport at Perth and see him for the first time, how will I react? The possibilities are literally endless, but I imagine myself totally breaking down in tears, completely losing it…my heart will be pounding ferociously and I’ll be lightheaded. I may pass out or throw up. Of course, one advantage is that I know I won’t have been able to eat for days or maybe even a week prior to this day, so I won’t have any food to throw up. I will wail and sob as I see him standing there, waiting for me. I likely won’t be able to speak. Will he be alone, or will Jules, Rosey, and Will be there with him? sigh Thinking about this makes me so incredibly emotional I have difficulty keeping myself under control.

All of them are ecstatic that I will be visiting and Rosey has offered to let me stay with her the whole time, which makes things a whole lot easier (and more cost-effective!) I’m really glad she wants me to stay with her because it’ll give me a chance to spend some girly time with her, getting to know her better. Already we’re like sisters and I know we’ll get along really well. Also, staying with her will give me a bit of space…I fear that staying with Ross might be too much to take (and would likely cause undue friction among people who wouldn’t approve of such a thing.) If we’re separated even by a 2-minute drive, it will be enough so that we have time to be together almost every waking moment but still have space to think and breathe (and indeed, to pine for each other.) There will be enough separation that it will make our time together that much more precious. At least the separation won’t be an entire world like it is now.

Then, of course, there’s meeting Jules. My sweet, wonderful, beautiful Julian; my soulmate. Where Ross and I share an unfaltering bond because of the way our beings complement each other, Jules and I share a connection that’s more akin to both of us being one half of a whole essence. At the core, we are identical in every manner, as if we were once a singular energy that was split in half, allowing each of us to spread our limitless love to opposite sides of the world. I see Jules and Rose having a connection much like the one I share with Ross: two who complement each other so perfectly that it’s literally a match made in heaven. So really, the four of us, together would create this mass of perfection, this unfathomable energy that could be diagrammed to be something like Rossenannyjulesenrosey. That may sound very silly, and if so, it’s only because you don’t understand. I have never, ever felt anything in my life as strongly as I feel for these three people. I keep saying how I don’t believe in coincidence, that I honestly think everything happens for a reason, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the lifelong interest/obsession I’ve had with Australia is because I was destined to fall in love with and meet these people, that my life is so intertwined with theirs that I’ve been living in longing for them long before I ever knew their names.

So that’s a lot to ponder on a Monday morning; it’s no wonder I was in tears. After having a talk with all three of them individually, many of my fears were (temporarily) quelled and I began to feel that this trip was something I have to do, regardless of how terrified I am. It will no doubt be a life-altering experience, probably the most profound and impactful of my life. It will happen, it has to. The question now simply becomes “When?” Hopefully I can convince one of my friends to come with me to a travel agency or something to figure out what I need to do. I know I have a lot of support in this, so the only thing I’ll really have to do completely alone is make the actual flight.

It was a fairly quiet weekend, save for Friday night. I had dinner with my parents as usual and when I got home Will and Hiroko showed up! We collected up some stuff and headed over to Brian and Jon’s apartment. Once again I lay down in the livingroom closet that I call my bedroom, and this time Will got some photos. We went over to the garage across the parking lot that Jon is renting to store some stuff and got the armchair he’d been holding onto. They put it on a dolly-type thing (a piece of wood attached to wheels) and Will wheeled me up to the house in the chair, reclining the whole way. Very fun! We took a trip to Target to get some glasses and a water pitcher and toilet paper and stuff like that and when we got back we played some video games and talked. It was really really nice just being able to spend quality time with everyone…and interestingly enough everyone seemed to be in good spirits. :-D I’m really excited about helping the guys shop for things to decorate their house. Jon wants to take a trip to Ikea in Chicago to get bookshelves and things. That will be so fun. I realize I’m not actually going to be living there, but at the same time I strongly desire to help them make that apartment a home, a comfortable living environment. I think as long as I don’t go totally overboard they’ll welcome my help, since I seem to have a higher spatial IQ than them (being an artist and all.)

Jon left for California on Saturday to attend his grandfather’s funeral (all this, just after he’d gotten back from New York!) so he won’t be back until Wednesday. I got up reasonably early and spent part of the morning washing my car. Oh my freaking god. Mitchell is just so gorgeous. (Yes, I’ve named my car Mitchell.) He’s all sleek and shiny now…just so beautiful. I loooooooove my caaaaaaar! And yes, of course my license plate actually has letters and numbers on it, but I’m not stupid enough to post photos of the plates online, so I’ve edited them out. He goes in for an oil change on Wednesday morning.

In any case, I went home for a bit in the afternoon, then went rollerblading. I was annoyed that the path was blocked again and there were too many people around so I gave up after a few laps. I don’t really recall what I did that evening, I just know I was feeling pretty lonely. Much pining occurred. Sunday was pretty meh as well, but I got to talk to Ross a bit before going rollerblading. The park was completely parked full of cars. I mean, there was absolutely nowhere to park inside the park! (I’ll say park a few more times just to annoy you.) I drove all the way through the main section then gave up in frustration. I thought I’d check out the area on the far edge of the park near the peninsula that juts out into the water because there is a bike path that goes over there, but it’s a lot rougher pavement. Luckily there was room to park so I got out and bladed for about an hour and a half. There are very few turns in that segment of the path so most of it is just a straightaway. My hips were aching pretty badly by the time I was done. I watched some Dead Zone and Six Feet Under episodes and then popped in the Back to the Future trilogy and crocheted. I talked to Ross online until bedtime, which was very nice indeed. I really didn’t want to go to bed but eventually I made myself go. I’m pretty tired today as a result, but who freaking cares? :-D

Oh yeah, my birthday is this coming Friday. I’ll be going to Victoria’s with my parents for dinner, then going to Madison for the weekend with Alisha and Big Bri. Then the following Friday is the big dinner party…if everyone shows up there will be 9 of us there! (Me, Brian, Jon, Will, Hiroko, Peter, Melissa, Ben, and Dave) I’m so excited…it will be so fun! :-D And then sometime in the next week or so I’ll be having a shared birthday party with my cousins. I guess turning 19 five years in a row is cause for celebrations galore!