I woke up feeling pretty crappy today. Sore throat, aching head, very tired. It’s true I had a little bit to drink before bed last night, but I was actually beginning to feel this way before that. :-( Suckage. I probably shouldn’t have had anything at all and just gone to bed but I was feeling a bit bored so at least it made things more interesting for a little while. I’ve noticed that my interest in video games increases exponentially when I’m slightly tipsy, though I’m not exactly sure why. When I’m fully sober I usually think to myself “there are a million other more constructive ways to spend my time than playing a video game” so I tend to choose another activity, but as soon as I become slightly inebriated I go straight for a controller. Hmm. Interesting.

I feel a bit better now than when I first got up but I still just feel like crawling into bed and taking a really long nap. I don’t think I’m getting a cold but it’s possible I suppose. Gah, I really don’t want to be sick on my birthday. ;_;

I got to rollerblade again last night on the main part of the path, but there are semis and carts and stands and tents *everywhere*. They’re setting up for the annual “Sawdust Daze” festival that always happens in the park over the 4th of July weekend. The path was blocked again but at least I could go around the blockade this time. I only made it about 6 laps before my shoulders felt like they were on fire (I’ve gotten a bit of sunburn from being out blading every afternoon.) It was a pretty boring evening…I watched some movies and crocheted most of the time but mostly I felt uninspired.

I miss Ross. It’s only been a day since I talked to him but anything more than a few hours is far too long. >_< Nnnnnnggghhh.

I did some thinking this morning and came to the conclusion that by the time my job ends in October, if I save as much of my money as possible, I will realistically have more than enough to visit Australia. Which means that I very well could visit for the entire month of November. That idea scares me as much as it excites me, as this is the biggest, most important thing that’s ever happened to me. During a conversation with Ross this morning as I began to realize the implications of this, I began to lose it. My eyes welled up with tears and I started getting really anxious and terrified. I mean, this is HUGE. This is the thing I’ve wanted more than anything on earth…to visit the people I love so dearly.

I’m nervous for obvious reasons, the biggest being I don’t know how to get a passport or a visa, or what to do once I have those things. I have never flown alone, and never internationally. The flight is 30 hours long and has 3 stops: one in Los Angeles, one in Sydney, and finally in Perth. That alone will be an exhausting, overwhelming ordeal, but to top it off, the love of my life will be waiting for me at the airport. I will step off the plane in Perth and there he will be, waiting to wrap his warm and loving arms around me, and we’ll finally be together. That idea is more overwhelming than anything I can imagine. That will undoubtedly be the happiest day of my life, and no doubt, of his. That’s nothing to be taken lightly! I know I let things get to me more than I probably should, but for me to seriously consider that this could be a reality only a few months from now…I mean…I almost can’t deal with it. It’s so momentous, so huge, so epic. I feel like I’m going to explode.

I do have fears surrounding how I’ll actually handle it when the day arrives. When I finally enter the airport at Perth and see him for the first time, how will I react? The possibilities are literally endless, but I imagine myself totally breaking down in tears, completely losing it…my heart will be pounding ferociously and I’ll be lightheaded. I may pass out or throw up. Of course, one advantage is that I know I won’t have been able to eat for days or maybe even a week prior to this day, so I won’t have any food to throw up. I will wail and sob as I see him standing there, waiting for me. I likely won’t be able to speak. Will he be alone, or will Jules, Rosey, and Will be there with him? sigh Thinking about this makes me so incredibly emotional I have difficulty keeping myself under control.

All of them are ecstatic that I will be visiting and Rosey has offered to let me stay with her the whole time, which makes things a whole lot easier (and more cost-effective!) I’m really glad she wants me to stay with her because it’ll give me a chance to spend some girly time with her, getting to know her better. Already we’re like sisters and I know we’ll get along really well. Also, staying with her will give me a bit of space…I fear that staying with Ross might be too much to take (and would likely cause undue friction among people who wouldn’t approve of such a thing.) If we’re separated even by a 2-minute drive, it will be enough so that we have time to be together almost every waking moment but still have space to think and breathe (and indeed, to pine for each other.) There will be enough separation that it will make our time together that much more precious. At least the separation won’t be an entire world like it is now.

Then, of course, there’s meeting Jules. My sweet, wonderful, beautiful Julian; my soulmate. Where Ross and I share an unfaltering bond because of the way our beings complement each other, Jules and I share a connection that’s more akin to both of us being one half of a whole essence. At the core, we are identical in every manner, as if we were once a singular energy that was split in half, allowing each of us to spread our limitless love to opposite sides of the world. I see Jules and Rose having a connection much like the one I share with Ross: two who complement each other so perfectly that it’s literally a match made in heaven. So really, the four of us, together would create this mass of perfection, this unfathomable energy that could be diagrammed to be something like Rossenannyjulesenrosey. That may sound very silly, and if so, it’s only because you don’t understand. I have never, ever felt anything in my life as strongly as I feel for these three people. I keep saying how I don’t believe in coincidence, that I honestly think everything happens for a reason, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the lifelong interest/obsession I’ve had with Australia is because I was destined to fall in love with and meet these people, that my life is so intertwined with theirs that I’ve been living in longing for them long before I ever knew their names.

So that’s a lot to ponder on a Monday morning; it’s no wonder I was in tears. After having a talk with all three of them individually, many of my fears were (temporarily) quelled and I began to feel that this trip was something I have to do, regardless of how terrified I am. It will no doubt be a life-altering experience, probably the most profound and impactful of my life. It will happen, it has to. The question now simply becomes “When?” Hopefully I can convince one of my friends to come with me to a travel agency or something to figure out what I need to do. I know I have a lot of support in this, so the only thing I’ll really have to do completely alone is make the actual flight.

It was a fairly quiet weekend, save for Friday night. I had dinner with my parents as usual and when I got home Will and Hiroko showed up! We collected up some stuff and headed over to Brian and Jon’s apartment. Once again I lay down in the livingroom closet that I call my bedroom, and this time Will got some photos. We went over to the garage across the parking lot that Jon is renting to store some stuff and got the armchair he’d been holding onto. They put it on a dolly-type thing (a piece of wood attached to wheels) and Will wheeled me up to the house in the chair, reclining the whole way. Very fun! We took a trip to Target to get some glasses and a water pitcher and toilet paper and stuff like that and when we got back we played some video games and talked. It was really really nice just being able to spend quality time with everyone…and interestingly enough everyone seemed to be in good spirits. :-D I’m really excited about helping the guys shop for things to decorate their house. Jon wants to take a trip to Ikea in Chicago to get bookshelves and things. That will be so fun. I realize I’m not actually going to be living there, but at the same time I strongly desire to help them make that apartment a home, a comfortable living environment. I think as long as I don’t go totally overboard they’ll welcome my help, since I seem to have a higher spatial IQ than them (being an artist and all.)

Jon left for California on Saturday to attend his grandfather’s funeral (all this, just after he’d gotten back from New York!) so he won’t be back until Wednesday. I got up reasonably early and spent part of the morning washing my car. Oh my freaking god. Mitchell is just so gorgeous. (Yes, I’ve named my car Mitchell.) He’s all sleek and shiny now…just so beautiful. I loooooooove my caaaaaaar! And yes, of course my license plate actually has letters and numbers on it, but I’m not stupid enough to post photos of the plates online, so I’ve edited them out. He goes in for an oil change on Wednesday morning.

In any case, I went home for a bit in the afternoon, then went rollerblading. I was annoyed that the path was blocked again and there were too many people around so I gave up after a few laps. I don’t really recall what I did that evening, I just know I was feeling pretty lonely. Much pining occurred. Sunday was pretty meh as well, but I got to talk to Ross a bit before going rollerblading. The park was completely parked full of cars. I mean, there was absolutely nowhere to park inside the park! (I’ll say park a few more times just to annoy you.) I drove all the way through the main section then gave up in frustration. I thought I’d check out the area on the far edge of the park near the peninsula that juts out into the water because there is a bike path that goes over there, but it’s a lot rougher pavement. Luckily there was room to park so I got out and bladed for about an hour and a half. There are very few turns in that segment of the path so most of it is just a straightaway. My hips were aching pretty badly by the time I was done. I watched some Dead Zone and Six Feet Under episodes and then popped in the Back to the Future trilogy and crocheted. I talked to Ross online until bedtime, which was very nice indeed. I really didn’t want to go to bed but eventually I made myself go. I’m pretty tired today as a result, but who freaking cares? :-D

Oh yeah, my birthday is this coming Friday. I’ll be going to Victoria’s with my parents for dinner, then going to Madison for the weekend with Alisha and Big Bri. Then the following Friday is the big dinner party…if everyone shows up there will be 9 of us there! (Me, Brian, Jon, Will, Hiroko, Peter, Melissa, Ben, and Dave) I’m so excited…it will be so fun! :-D And then sometime in the next week or so I’ll be having a shared birthday party with my cousins. I guess turning 19 five years in a row is cause for celebrations galore!

I had an unexpected visitor yesterday just as I was about to leave work for the day. As I was closing down my applications on my computer, I looked up, and was surprised to see none other than Peter standing there grinning. Apparently he’d been visiting his aunt who lives south of here and he was passing by on his way home, so he dropped by to say hi. XD He (reluctantly) gave me a ride to my house (which is about 4 blocks away) and then he took off again.

After that I was full of energy for some reason. I burned a bunch of CDs, finished Bust a Move 4, had dinner, then went rollerblading. I went around the path 10 times, which I believe amounts to somewhere around 12 miles. I probably could have done another 5 before I was out of energy, and maybe even that wouldn’t have tapped my reserves. I just kept thinking about the things in my life that are important and meaningful, and that gave me the boost I needed to keep pushing against the incredibly strong wind.

After that I went over to Brian’s and helped him pack some stuff to move to the apartment–mostly clothes. It was interesting to note that the livingroom and both bedrooms do not have overhead lights in them. That kind of sucks, as they are now required to have a bunch of lamps. They had one lamp that was super cool though, filled with computer parts…I’ll have to get a picture.

When I got home it was starting to get late so I changed clothes and made myself a snack. I decided to make screwdrivers and drink them while relaxing in front of my computer, which was really fun for awhile. I was singing along to my music, grooving and such, and chatting with some people online. And then it happened again. After the third one, it was nearing 1:30 and I guess I was getting pretty tired…before I realized it, I’d fallen asleep sitting up in my chair again, in the middle of a conversation with Ross! He figured out what had happened on his own (since he knew the circumstances surrounding the previous incident) and laughed when I awoke and began apologizing. He said it was really cute, but I still felt bad that I’d just passed out and left him sitting there, especially when I read that he had to leave soon to take care of something. ~_~ He was sweet enough to wait around a bit until I responded, and I’m really glad about that. I don’t really remember going to bed, I just know I woke up this morning wondering why I felt so tired. Sillyanny.

I’m planning on having a birthday get together dinner type thing in a few weeks. Since Will and Hiroko are still here I really want the big group of us to get together again at least one last time before they leave, and I had such a great time when we did that for Brian’s birthday so hopefully this will be awesome. I’m thinking dinner and then a gaming get together, perhaps at Brian and Jon’s new apartment (if they’re all moved in by then.) That would be so sweet! Brian, Jon, and I have made a habit of taking each other out to dinner for birthdays and in the past while since our core group of friends has expanded so much we’ve been asking everyone to get in on it. I’m just shit at planning things like this, because people tend to never be available the times I try to set up. Trying to plan stuff with these guys is pretty hard because we are more spontaneous, go-with-the-flow people who just do things on the spur of the moment.

Well, the no-spend plan seems to be working so far. I’m actually to the point where other people’s spending is bothering me. This morning I started getting really angsty and snippy with people who were talking about spending insane amounts of money on a limited edition video game. I was really afraid I was going to snap at someone so I was very careful what I said, but I still managed to make a few snide remarks. Guh. I hate being testy with people, and when I’m in that type of mood I try to control myself the best I can without blowing up. If I feel a particular conversation will drive me to that, I warn the other person politely and suggest talking about it another time. It doesn’t always work, but at least it does most of the time. It’s very tough keeping my emotions in check, as they are rather explosive.

Monday night was pretty awesome…I got hooked on this game called Bust a Move 4 for Dreamcast. It’s this puzzle/strategy type “bubble” game with these uber-cute characters spouting Japanese phrases in high-pitched children’s voices. I played it until Ross came online (which amounted to something like 60 or 70 rounds!) We tried to get Skype working but I got a stupid error on startup so we had to use iVisit for voice chat. The connection was really quite shoddy, especially on his end, so I could hear and understand him reasonably well, but most of what I said broke up as it reached him. :-( Hearing his voice really affected me very strongly, quite unexpectedly. I have heard his voice before, and we have talked several times already, but it was different this time. When reading aloud the “Letter” blahg entry I’d written last week, my entire body started giving off this insane amount of heat and I began sweating. It was different than the type of nervous energy I generate when I’m anxious or scared…there was nothing scary or threatening about it…just that the words being spoken aloud, had a really huge effect on me physically. I can’t say I’ve ever experienced anything quite like it. The room was very cool at that time, so it felt very strange. Strange but nice. After we said goodbye for the night, I went back to that game and played until somewhere around 2 AM, when I started yelling at myself because I had work the next day. At round 80 I finally went to bed. Damned game! (Tiffany took a swing at it and was nearly late for work as a result.)

Kuiki went down again for part of the day Tuesday so I came into work with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, as I do whenever that happens. I rely on Jon for so much in terms of internet services! ~_~ Hopefully when he gets a connection from Time Warner it won’t suck as much as Charter. My cable (from Earthlink, using Time Warner’s lines) has only gone out twice in the year I’ve had it, so I hope he has the same luck I do. He and Brian finally signed the lease on their apartment so I got to see it for the first time last night. It’s really really nice…almost too nice! We were talking about them getting ahold of a couch with a fold-out bed in it so they can have overnight guests and I told them I didn’t need that, I could sleep anywhere. I proved my point by laying down on the floor inside the living room closet (which is carpeted, and large enough for me to lay in comfortably.) They closed the door and wished me goodnight. XD It’s funny to me when I do something silly/cute and Jon laughs at me. Brian doesn’t always laugh because most of the time I think he sees my antics as too silly. shrug

Alisha and I were going to go rollerblading but when I got back it started to rain. :-( I put on my exercise clothes anyhow and was going to play Stepmania in my room when Alisha interjected and said she’d like to play DDR too. I looked at her a little funny and asked her if she was serious, and apparently she was, so we took the pads in her room (she was really afraid Big Bri would send us crashing through the floor in my room.) We played for about an hour or so and then Big Bri suggested “talking to Beth” (doing Ouija.) We talked to her for about 2 hours, she spouted off a whole bunch of nonsense about us solving a murder mystery, and then I went to bed.

As I mentioned before, I’m on my no-spend policy for money now, and Ross kindly got me some pictures of him giving me a disapproving look. Hopefully those will be effective…I took one and made a wallpaper with the caption “If you don’t save your money, we’ll never be together.” Yes, I need something really negative and horrible to “scare” me into self-discipline. If I have the idea in my head that my actions will disappoint someone whose opinion matters a great deal to me, I’m a lot more likely to avoid doing whatever the offending action is. It’s a lot easier to cheat myself and make excuses and rationalize things when I’m only concerned with myself. So the next time I feel that I really need that DVD or video game, I can just imagine Ross being upset with me. It will work.

Hopefully the weather will be somewhat decent tonight…I hope to help the guys move some of their stuff into the apartment. I’m so excited about that…it’s taken far too long for this to be a reality.

I got ahold of the Silent Hill 4 OST today so I’ve been listening to that a lot. Just like the previous games, the music for this one is beautiful, haunting, sad, symphonic…everything that combines to make Akira Yamaoka a pure musical genius. Everything about the design of the games, from the visuals to the music, to the sound effects and the storyline, is absolutely perfect. It’s an all-encompassing experience, and one not for the weak of stomach or heart. I really look forward to September so I can play SH4. Until then I might play one of the other games through again (but not more than one for fear that I’ll burn myself out on it) but there are just too many other games to play. I’ve bought tons of PS2 and GC games that I haven’t even touched yet…with very few exceptions, I just haven’t been in a gamey mood recently. Actually, I haven’t been in a mood to do much of anything really, except to be with the people I love. It’s hard to find motivation.

Speaking of motivation, I just got my credit card bills for this month and they were not a pretty sight. In fact, I felt pretty ill when I opened the envelopes. Sooooo…right then and there I decided to reinstate my “BUY THAT AND DIE!” policy. I don’t remember why it fell apart the first time, but I know it lasted for a few months at least. In any case, in the previous incarnation, any time I thought about buying something I didn’t need, I thought of Ross’s angry disembodied head glaring menacingly at me with a look on his face that said “Buy that and die!” Let me tell you, that really did work, for awhile at least. This time around the idea is still the same, having an image of Ross preventing me from making stupid purchases, but the method is going to be different. Rather than a threat to my life, it’ll be a threat to my happiness, which is actually much worse in my mind so it’ll be more effective. I’m quite impulsive and weak-willed in certain circumstances (spending money being the major one) so I have to take extreme measures to ensure I don’t give in to the impulse. I’m really glad Ross is willing to help me with this even though it’s difficult for him.

I cleaned my room last night, which took a great deal of time. There were clothes, CDs, video games, consoles, and controllers literally everywhere in there and I was starting to worry that I’d step on something important and destroy it. After that I spent most of the night burning CDs and watching the animated series for Clerks. I reluctantly paid my bills for this month, including my car insurance for the next 6 months. sigh Money is such an annoying issue.

Aside from that, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Each day my love grows and flourishes and washes over me… There are absolutely no words that can do this justice anymore. All I know is that what is happening to me is unlike anything I’ve ever known, beyond anything I’ve ever felt about anyone or anything before. The joy I knew when creating Avatar doesn’t hold a candle to this. And a month ago I would have told you that was the happiest time of my life. Not so anymore. wistful sigh

You are everything I’ve ever wanted in another person. You love me with an adoration and appreciation I’ve only dreamt of, and each time you tell me you love me my caring for you grows infinitely. I find myself wanting to do everything in my power to make you happy and comfortable, to tell you over and over how much I love you and want to be with you, how lucky I am to have someone as wonderful as you who accepts my love and who returns it with a passion that, quite amazingly, nearly rivals my own! You mean so much to me and I am absolutely crazy about you and everything that makes you the beautiful, funny, unique, kooky, but undeniably groovy guy you are. :-)

Twas a weekend full of friends, which is always wonderful. The visits were more on an individual basis than a group, though, which doesn’t happen very often. Jon was still in New York on Friday so Brian and I hung out together for the evening. We played Stepmania for most of the night after watching The Best of Will Ferrell on DVD. It was very nice, but I got cold after awhile so I spent the last hour or so cuddled up on my couch with a blanket wrapped around me while Brian played.

Saturday morning I awoke at somewhere around 8 AM. Too freaking early! So I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (at the suggestion of Ross.) I quite enjoyed the style of the film and it made a good point about fate. Because I believe in fate more than coincidence (I put little stock in coincidence at all) it spoke to me on a very personal level. Jim Carrey was actually quite good in the role and Kate Winslet was quite cute. Could have done without Kirsten Dunst in her underwear though….totally unnecessary. After that I was pretty sleepy so I decided to take a nap. I had another nightmare about being abandoned because I was too boring and I awoke in tears. This was the second time that’s happened, the same damned dream but in a different setting. :-( Luckily Ross was online when I got up so I was able to talk to him about it right away, but it was absolutely devastating to me. I know consciously it would never happen in real life, but I think my mind is just showing me my worst fear to remind me of how good I have it. It’s not like I would ever dream of taking this for granted, but with dreams like this, it’s guaranteed now. This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I have so much invested in it now that if anything happened to cause it to fall apart, I would be utterly ruined.

That put a damper on the rest of the afternoon. After being calmly reassured that the dream would never become reality, I dried my tears and went rollerblading with Alisha in the park. The weather was beautiful but the park was absolutely crammed full of cars and people. There was some gathering for motorboat enthusiasts so there were boats and cars and tents and people *everywhere*. A good chunk of the path was blocked off by this gathering so Alisha and I could only go so far before we had to turn around and go the opposite direction. We bladed back and forth and chatted for nearly 2 hours, and it was great. After showering, I drove to Subway to get some supper, and the woman behind the counter told me my hair smelled fantastic. XD I do believe that’s the first time a complete stranger has ever commented on the scent of my hair…and I must say it was rather flattering.

Peter and Melissa came over for the evening for a night of gaming. We set up Stepmania to pump out to my TV and set up both pads so we could try out couples mode. Pretty cool…instead of competing, the steps complement each other so it’s more choreographed. They convinced me to try doubles mode so I did a few songs that way…rather hilarious as my legs are not long enough for that and I have to do some somewhat comical hopping at times to get from one pad to the other. After that we played some Warioware and Tetris. During a munchies break in Warioware I finally discovered the source of this rotting vegetable/decaying animal flesh smell that’s been living in the kitchen for about a month. It turned out to be a bag of old potatoes that were actually more mold than potato. I screamed and grabbed a plastic bag and ran outside with it as quickly as possible. OMFG. That stench was so bad I could have thrown up. I told Peter that if he lost 3 games in a row he’d have to stand in the kitchen with the stench. He lost, so he did. When I lost 3 times I was supposed to eat “whatever the hell that thing is” and then Melissa was supposed to eat whatever I threw up. I may be crazy, but I’m not stupid. So I didn’t comply with Peter’s sick and twisted order. I went to bed at a decent hour since I had to be up relatively early Sunday.

Sunday I got up and showered then called Will. He and Hiroko had invited me to see a painting demo in a town about 45 minutes from Green Bay, so I got directions to Hiroko’s place and drove up there. The three of us ate lunch together at a restaurant right on Lake Michigan. It was in this inlet where all the water was really brown, and as you looked out towards the open water, it became blue. The demo was really cool to watch…the painter chose an audience member’s name out of a hat and the girl got to be his model. In about 2 hours he completed a portrait of the girl which I must admit looked pretty amazing. He talked to us the whole time he was painting and explained his reasons for what he was doing. I really enjoyed watching his process, because that’s something I haven’t had the opportunity to see too much of in my education. A little Dachschund doggie was running around the whole time, which was hilarious. After the demo we stopped by the most amazing tourist spot I’ve ever seen: The World’s Largest Grandfather Clock. I took an exceedingly stupid picture of Will standing next to it and I wondered who the hell thought that would be a good idea. My lord, how fucking dull! The gift shop inside was chock full of a ton of shit I’d never buy in my lifetime. The town itself is just beautiful because it is right on the lake, and before we took off, Hiroko took us down by a pier that went out to a lighthouse. It seriously looked like a postcard in motion. The coolest bit about it was the water, as there were patches of brown, green, and blue that met each other like camouflage. I tried to take some photos but unfortunately they couldn’t do it justice.

I stopped by Best Buy on my way to my parents’ house and got some blank CDs. I’ve been trying to clean off my hard drives and back stuff up so I’m running pretty low. My brother was home for the day since it was Father’s Day and they said they were planning on going out for frozen custard, so I gave Dad his gift and drove back to my place so I could eat supper before they came into town. We enjoyed the frozen custard together then they dropped me back home. I was totally exhausted and my head ached terribly, but instead of napping, I burned CDs and watched Notting Hill. I felt a little bored and lonely but luckily Ross came online before I succumbed to sleep due to understimulation, so I was able to talk to him for a bit. Poor guy has the flu…I really wish I could do something to help him other than to just “exist.” :3 Though it might not be apparent to everyone (or, well, anyone other than me,) Ross is actually very sweet and romantic. I absolutely adore him. guuuu Going to bed was very difficult, let me tell you. I’m very tired today. ~_~ It was worth it though.

I’m so sad the weekend is over…it went by waaaaaay too fast, as they always do.

I discovered this just before I left for work this morning. guuuuuuuuuu!

It’s pretty easy to find music that’s appropriate to some situations. Mmmm.

If I should die this very moment
I wouldn’t fear
For I’ve never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still in my heart this moment
Or it might burst
Could we stay right here
Until the end of time until the earth stops turning
Wanna love you until the seas run dry
I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

All this time I’ve loved you
And never known your face
All this time I’ve missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
’til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you until the seas run dry
I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

The one I’ve waited for

All I’ve known
All I’ve done
All I’ve felt was leading to this
All I’ve known
All I’ve done
All I’ve felt was leading to this
Wanna stay right here
’til the end of time ’till the earth stops turning
I’m gonna love you till the seas run dry
I’ve found the one I’ve waited for
The one I’ve waited for
The one I’ve waited for

Wanna stay right here
’til the end of time ’till the earth stops turning
I’m gonna love you till the seas run dry
I’ve found the one I’ve waited for
The one I’ve waited for
The one I’ve waited for

There just are no words anymore. It drives me insane that I can’t express just what I so desperately want to convey to you, but there comes a point where the use of language meets its limit. Because language and communication comes so naturally to me this confuses and frustrates my mind, because it is so accustomed to being able to choose just the right words for any occasion. Here they fall short.

How unfathomable to think we’ve made it that far in such a short amount of time. But it really wasn’t that short, was it? I’ve been searching for you my whole life. Everything I find most attractive in this world seems to draw my attention in your direction, and that’s been happening since before I can remember, before I realized it, and long before I knew you. You know I believe that everything happens for a reason and it happens when it’s meant to. Fate, destiny, whatever you wish to call it, is a force stronger than any other, and cannot be denied no matter how one tries.

Our love is not meant to be explained to other people, for they are likely not to understand. It’s okay for us to not understand it ourselves, as love is not logical, and human emotions go beyond what our brains are capable of comprehending in full capacity. What matters is that this element of wonder remains a constant; that we accept that one day it may fade to a certain degree as we get to know each other more intimately, but it will never disappear completely.

Love is immeasurable. I’ve already exceeded what I expected my potential to be many times over. How extraordinary it is to actually feel my love for you grow exponentially during a conversation, how one sentence can make me love you so much more than just the moment before, and how seeing you mirror the sentiment sends it skyrocketing. You are an amazing person to not only accept the wealth of love and passion within me, but embrace it with open arms and reflect it back to me. I am wholly grateful for that, as one of my greatest fears has always been the idea of being alone because there would be no one who could handle my overwhelming passion. You have proven that there are actually extraordinary people out there who not only can handle it, but encourage its expression in full force. Being able to love you the way I do, so freely, is indeed a gift.

What others may see as sappy, melodramatic, or ridiculous in my words is simply my inability to properly convey the way I truly feel within the restrictions of language. Using overzealous adverbs and cliched phrases makes me feel a trifle embarrassed and frustrated at times, but falling short with words only increases my desire to show you my feelings through other means of communication.

If there were a better way to say the following, I would do so, but in the absence of the right words, I’ll just say this: I love you with all my heart.

Well, I came home from work today floating several inches off the ground and decided to do this. The lyrics of course are from “Stand Inside Your Love,” and the visualization in the background is from the same song. guu