Someone on IRC just asked me if I’d ever been in love, and if so, what was it like? Living in Malaysia, he said he’s never known what it’s like, that he hasn’t been able to find a girl who wasn’t superficial and materialistic. Be that as it may, it seems he’s just been unlucky because there are girls like Rosey who are from Malaysia and are not like that. So, you ask…what does it feel like to be in love?

I explained to him that I can only describe what it’s been like in my own experience, which admittedly is not typical, given that my emotional state is rather…heightened…almost all the time. I’ve learned over time ways of keeping it in check (on a surface level), surpressing it so that others can’t see how deeply things affect me. And things really do get to me, no doubt. In any case…love. A topic I talk about time and time again, always with excitement and passion. Being in love, for me…in a physical sense I feel just alive all over. My body cycles through feeling tingly, with heart palpitations, to nauseous, to the famed butterflies in the tummy. When I think of the other person, I get a shooting sensation, a jolt, that goes from the area around my heart to my stomach, and it makes me shiver. I often get a giddy little grin on my face that I find hard to get rid of. Not that I’d necessarily want to get rid of it, but admittedly it’s not too professional to be grinning like an idiot while sitting at work. People think you’re up to something! People have described me as “glowing” when I’m in that state, and there’s been times when my mother will comment on how great I look (she very rarely refers to my appearance at all, so this is a big deal.) Emotionally, I feel like I’m on the brink of explosion. Feelings of overall well-being wash over me and I feel like I could overflow at any given second. I’m just buzzing, giving off electricity…and as ridiculous as it sounds, sometimes I do give off static charges when I touch metal. This is much like how I act and feel when I’m touched by inspiration for something creative. The two are linked in ways I don’t yet comprehend.

Then what about when I’m actually interacting with the person I love, rather than just thinking of him? In conversation, whether the words are spoken or written, they carry the same weight and garner roughly the same reaction. There really is no greater feeling than when I am able to say “I love you” and having the words returned with equal intention. Those are words I don’t take lightly in any circumstance. Because I feel like my purpose on earth is to love and be loved, I do say this a lot to people (and I mean it)…and if I don’t feel it, I don’t say it. Because of this I feel that most people who I’d say this to can understand that, and will only return the sentiment if they really felt it. How disrespectful is it to say the words to someone if you don’t mean it? I’m usually very genuine with my words (unless I’m being sarcastic, in which case it’s readily apparent) and I think most people who realize that take what I say to heart. Of course, as a result of that, I have a difficult time lying. Hiding how I feel about something is damned near impossible for me if questioned about it. Words are very very meaningful.

And lastly, being with the person I love. The utter warmth and energy that emanates from a long, close hug is indescribable. Being able to feel the person’s body pressed to mine, melding into a single form for that moment…it really is delicious. One can really feel when the other person cares about you deeply. I should be clear here that this isn’t restricted only to romantic love for me, because I’m a very hug-driven person. I love long, full hugs. I really attribute this to my parents, who taught me the right way to hug someone. When I see people whose arms go around each other for a moment and their hands pat the other person’s back as they pull away from each other, I think “What’s the point?!” That’s weak. Yes, I hug my friends the same way I’d hug a boyfriend. Full-contact, wrapped tightly in the embrace. I realize this is uncomfortable for some people so I don’t do this if I sense that…and I know some people are scared of the homosexual implications a hug like that can present (though, of course, society is a lot more accepting of women who do this to each other than men.) Big Brian once said that a hug can be a lot more arousing than a kiss because of the body contact. It’s an interesting point to consider because of course that’s not the general opinion…we’re shown through popular media that a kiss is the most erotic thing one can experience (save for full-out sex) but really…as delicious as a good kiss is, it’s also less pure than a hug, and messier, and more about our animalistic nature than our emotional nature. Being as sensual a person as I am, the intimacy of a hug, or being able to just hold or touch another person is more satisfying for me than the more animalistic acts.

I guess in short, being in love to me is more about the sensuality of it than the sexuality. Because everything I do and experience in life is about the senses…discovering new and exciting ways to feel things. I can’t imagine how dull life would be if I were apathetic. Sure, caring as much as I do has gotten me into trouble at times, but I’d rather deal with those few situations when they arise than go through life without passion.