I’m Hearing: Incubus - Privilege

So it’s finally over. I’m officially done with college.

I’m in one of those states where the full effect hasn’t hit me yet, but I’m vaguely aware of what it means. In a way, the “end” feels anti-climatic, if one considers the end of the semester as the end. I mean, I went to my final classes yesterday and it was just clean up time and whatnot, and I just kind of slid out the door with my giant awkward portfolio over my shoulder and stepped out into the bitter freaking cold and shuffled my way home. There wasn’t anything dramatic to it at all.

In reality, my final day was last Tuesday (Dec. 2) when we hung our senior exhibition in the gallery. After that, all the hard work was done and there were only odds and ends left to take care of.

So much has happened in the last month…I feel somewhat overwhelmed trying to consider it all…I’m not sure where to start talking about it all. I guess a good starting place would be about where I left off last month. The week I described in which I pulled 4 all-nighters was definitely the worst week of all. After I was finished with that work I was able to cut down my nights of continuous work to once or twice every two weeks…I mean, I did stay up quite late many of the nights this past month but for the most part I was able to get at least a couple hours of sleep every night. I was able to get my sleep schedule reversed again, back to where it should be. I had my left eye twitch for a couple days but it disappeared quicker than usual. (Usually towards the end of a semester when things start to get really stressful, my left eyelid begins twitching uncontrollably…some sort of nervous reaction I’m sure.)

The final week before everything was due was very stressful because I was working on my self-promotion book. In case I didn’t mention it (which I’m quite sure I didn’t,) the theme I chose for my senior exhibition was “Letterbox.” I chose the name for several reasons, the primary being my love for widescreen movies, the second for the typographic-and-design-related connotation of the words “letter” and “box.” It worked out quite well and afforded me a great opportunity for a unique book layout. Basically it was a long-format book, each page was 10″x16″ and folded out to a spread that was a little over 33″ wide. My professor and I spent a lot of time over Thanksgiving break putting it together (about 8-10 hours each day.) The majority of the work on the assembly of the book was in creating the hardcover box to put it in (it was a drop-spine box that the book was attached to.) I was too scared of fucking it up so my professor did most of the scary complicated things and I watched intently. It turned out absolutely beautiful…I really couldn’t have asked for anything more perfect. I should get a better picture of it because it really is deserving of a decent photo shoot, but this is Letterbox, lying flat open on my display table during the show.

After the show was all set up and I looked at my display, I was satisfied with how it looked, but I felt a little disappointed that no one outside my classmates would ever truly understand just how much work had gone into it. The projects all looked nice and professional, but there is just no way of communicating the huge process that had to occur to get to that point. I felt really disheartened at that fact, but there was nothing to be done at that point but blaze on forward and just take things as they came.

But speaking of process…recalling the huge triple-decker binder I turned in last semester for Typography 2…I wanted to do something special to that, so Jeff and I put casters on it so we could wheel it around. But that wasn’t enough…it ended up with flashlights duct taped to the top for headlights, stick-on reflectors in the back, and a pull strap with a giant ring on the end so you can tow it around. We named him Peetey and he became not only our mascot, but the centerpiece for the show. It was unusual and fun, and I bet a lot of people will remember that for awhile to come. After the reception we all (including our professor) took Peetey for a ceremonial run around the gallery.

The opening reception was last Thursday, and in all honesty I was more excited about the after party than the show itself. Thinking about getting really drunk and just letting loose with all the people who suffered through this stress with me was the most appealing thing I’d experienced in a long while. My lackluster attitude wasn’t readily apparent but I am really grateful for it because I was a lot more relaxed than I would have been if the show had been really meaningful for me. I went out and got my hair cut the day before and bought the clothes for the show 3 hours before I had to be there. I hemmed up the pants about an hour before it opened. I wasn’t nervous at all, which confused me a bit…preparing for this show was nothing like when I prepared for the honors show last year when my Avatar painting was up in the gallery because that meant a lot to me (though probably not as much as some people may have expected it to, myself included.) Logically speaking, it is a bit unsettling that things like having my work in a gallery doesn’t mean a lot to me (since it should be a reward) but…the thing is, my reward in work that I really care about is being able to work on it and finish it. Anything that happens after that point is just gravy, really. I’m not sure if that seems conceited…but I guess I really don’t care. I feel that I am one of the more genuine artists in my university because I’m not about appearances and putting on a bullshit show to impress people. I do art because I have a drive and passion inside me that I need to express. If I can reach and inspire others along the way, that’s great…but in the end I do this for myself, because I need to.

Everything at the reception went really smoothly…everything was coordinated just right…I mean, I couldn’t have asked for anything more than what occurred. There was a fantastic turnout…only eight people were graduating but so many people showed up to check it out (or check out our hors d’oevres more likely.) I stayed next to my table the whole night talking to people, and I had a nearly constant crowd huddle over my table, which was cool. I had a great advantage over my classmates’ displays because I brought in my iMac to show off web design…and of course if there’s a computer to play with people are going to be drawn to it. Hachi helped me lock down the computer into kiosk mode using the iCab browser so it would be safe to leave it unguarded (so no one would play with my files and whatnot.) It worked rather well, except for when I plugged the computer in and the system clock reverted back to 1969 and iCab thought the trial had been running for like 40 years. (This was a slight snag in the plan, but I figured out the issue within an hour of discovering it so it wasn’t that bad of a thing.)

We ended up going to a local townie bar for the after party, the place TR and Jeff and I have been frequenting a lot the last few months, to the point where both bartenders know us by name. I drank sooooo much Milwaukee’s Beast (basically piss beer, but it’s only $3 a pitcher there) that I had a lot of conversations I don’t remember. But I can honestly attribute a lot of that to focusing mainly on photographing the events around me and reserving all my concentration for that. There was a ton of people there and a lot going on so even if I was sober, I would have missed a lot. Heh. But it was really really cool being able to hang out with the professors in a relaxed social environment. When the night was over we got to see the inside of one of their apartments, which rocked because it was *gorgeous*. I was drunk until 2PM the next day but it was well-worth it.

That wasn’t really the end of all the work though, because in order to get all my stuff done for graphics, I’d set aside my intaglio class so I basically had to bust my ass this past week getting 4 weeks of work done in a couple days. My professor was extremely understanding and accommodating so I worked even harder because she was so kind about it. I got everything done in time for the regular deadline; in fact I had my stuff done sooner than many of my classmates who weren’t trying to graduate. XD Slackers!

*sigh* Well…pretty much once I had the work for that class done, it all felt final. When I made the final trim on my last print, my body just slumped in my chair and I felt winded, like someone had sucked all the energy out of me. It was as if my body had been holding out for that moment for so long, just pushing itself and working from reserves of energy that didn’t even exist so I could get everything done, waiting for the moment it could finally just rest…and not just rest but *crash*. I was able to get myself to class…and after that TR and Jeff came over to drink and talk. My roommates got involved in the festivities this time and at one point Alisha brought out a bunch of her instruments and we had a full-out band going in the kitchen at about 1 AM. Rather silly when I think about it now. Pfft, whatever…it was silly then too. XD In any case, the moment of most profound finality thus far occurred about an hour later. TR was getting ready to go and he gave me a hug and said in a very sad voice, “I’m going to miss you, buddy.” I just held onto him tightly for a moment, then he left and I burst into tears. I haven’t cried since this past summer because subconsciously my body turns that function off when I have serious things to focus on (after all, falling apart emotionally would make it really hard to concentrate on my work.) But it really struck me when he said those words because at that moment I realized just how much the relationships I have with my close classmates really mean to me.

I feel comfortable saying that I have come to love Jeff and TR on a level I have never loved any of my other friends, simply due to the amount of situations we’ve been through together and all the time we’ve spent together. It’s just different with them…I guess we’re able to relate to each other on a different plane than other people because we seem to be of the same mindset most of the time. I really feel honored to be close to them in this way. And because of this, I really am going to miss them in a serious way. Even if I stay in town for awhile, things will never be the same because Jeff and I won’t be spending every single night in the computer lab with TR while he’s working (TR graduates next semester.) I noticed during Thanksgiving that I seriously missed Jeff because I didn’t see him for about 4 days. 4 days!!!! It just goes to show how importance their presence in that environment is to me…just having people there to bullshit with while we’re doing a ridiculous project…it’s worth more than anyone could really understand.

We’ve developed a habit of going out drinking or staying home and drinking, but it’s not a destructive thing at all. One thing I’ve noticed that’s pretty cool is that when we’re at someone’s place hanging out and someone suggests watching a movie, we never get very far into it before we start a conversation that makes going back to the movie completely pointless. There really never is a lull in our dialogues…so we can sit and drink for hours and just talk and talk and talk without running out of things to say. We run out of time before we run out of content. That’s something really precious…there aren’t too many people I’ve run across with whom I can participate in conversations and not be bored or eventually run out of things to say. This is something TR and I talked about last night…the small group of us are able to be around each other for hours upon hours on end without getting sick of each other or getting on each others’ nerves. We’re always just cool with each other. It’s bizarre, but very special.

This brings to mind something I was forced to participate in this semester that angered me beyond what I would have expected. I was in a class called Portfolio Review, that basically was set up so we could rework our projects so they looked the best they could possibly look before we set up the show. It was a shitload of work, and I spent more time on that than I would have liked. On top of the strict deadlines that were set up for our own benefit, the professor tacked on an ad-hoc requirement. Our chapter of AIGA (American Institute of Graphic Art) was hosting this Portfolio Review and Career Day Thingie and he wanted all of us to take our stuff there and have the professionals there take a look and give us some feedback. I rather resented having to go to it, and I suspect that he required us to go in part because he was afraid there wouldn’t be enough people signed up if we didn’t. I’m sure he also thought it would be a great opportunity for us…but I was resistant to the idea. In fact, I tried waiting till all the timeslots for review were taken but he cornered me and told me I needed to sign up. So I did. I talked to a guy who really knew what he was talking about and was able to give me intelligent, well-read feedback on my work…and this was sort of what I was expecting. But the other people I spoke with were just…a total waste of time. One woman was a marketing person and she just kept looking at my stuff and going “That’s nice, that’s great. Oh! That’s great.” etc. The other woman kept asking me if I had any questions and I kept telling her no and she didn’t seem to want to accept that answer. Despite the positive response to my work (which, in all honesty, I rather expected) I left that place feeling bitter and angry and on the walk home I decided I would rather be a custodian because at least their work is meaningful and makes a difference in someone’s life. I was very jaded for awhile.

It was at this point that I became readily aware that I’ve never done graphic design because it’s my passion. The reason I entered the program in the first place was that I loved both art and computers and this was the closest thing I could get to web design at my school. And because I knew that it would be easier to get a job in graphics than any kind of fine art. How lame. Yes, a lot of people go into this field for that reason…but it’s uncomfortable for me to know that I sold out because it was convenient. But I didn’t really sell out because I put a lot of myself and my life into my work and I did learn a lot…but in the end, it’s still not my passion. I knew at that point that I really didn’t want a job in graphic design…web design would be cool but I do not want to work on graphics for print media like I’ve been doing the last couple years. The whole process is just torturous and stressful beyond belief. I want to live a happy and healthy life, and being in the situation I’ve been in during college has been very very unhealthy both mentally and physically. It’s no wonder I needed people like TR and Jeff to keep me sane (and vice versa) through this…because it requires superhuman stamina and willpower to keep going.

This leads me into the one major thing I’ve been thinking about this week. For the last several months people have been asking me “What are you going to do after you graduate?” or “Do you have a job lined up?” Of course I never had an answer…and I felt strangely comfortable about it. I only applied for one job (the lab technician) and didn’t get it…I was very relieved when I found out that the position had been filled, especially after I started talking to the guy and realized how much more qualified he was than I. :-) He’s cool and he’ll do a good job.

But anyhow…the point I was getting to here was there has been a recent development in this area. I only have until January 17 to continue working for the University because after that point I’m no longer considered a student (that’s the official end of the semester, after interim ends.) So after that I’ll have nothing, which is just what I want. I want to take some time off and rest…I think I owe it to myself after 5 years of school and jobs without a single break. That’s right…I’ve had work/class/homework every day (give or take a weekend here and there) since I was 17. I’ve never taken a proper vacation in my life. It’s no freaking wonder I’m so exhausted and burnt out.

So earlier this week, I was talking to Will (jetfuel) on IRC…who began to complain about how bored he was in Wisconsin and how he felt he was going to be trapped here for his entire life. Knowing full well that I was going to be totally free of commitments within the next month, I offhandedly suggested to him that he and I should start a business. The idea began to develop from that proposal after he expressed genuine interest in it, and we began talking about all the other people who would be able to contribute different things to it. Unbelievably, it actually began to seem like a real possibility. We began to consider locations and came to the consensus that we should check out the Pacific Northwest…Portland, Oregon in particular. So this weekend we’ll be getting together to talk over some ideas and hopefully some time within the next month we’ll fly out to Portland to get a feel for the place. That should be really cool. This really is the first thing I’ve been truly excited about in a very long time.

Woo, I’m feeling really drained from writing all this…but it’s because it’s very soothing and therapeutic. There are a few more topics I’d like to cover but I think I’ll hold off on them until I have a bit more energy. After all, this entry has become an entity unto itself…