I’m Hearing: Karunesh - Flowing With the Tea

5:26 AM. I’m wide awake.

If this is any indication to you as to how messed up I am right now, then you’ll understand a bit of why I’m acting the way I am…and why no one has seen or heard from me in so long.

As you might know, I am graduating in three weeks. Because of this, I have been spending just about every waking moment working on my projects to get them prepared for my show. The show will be on December 4, so I have basically until Thanksgiving to get everything done. That may seem like a long time, but I’m really really pushing my deadlines with the amount of work I have left to do.

Because of everything that needs to get done in such a short amount of time, I have done some drastic things to get there. Last week I pulled three all-nighters in a row and gave up seeing my friends and going to work and meetings. Basically all I did was work. I spent one entire night at my workplace printing off some projects. I think at that point I was up for 60-some hours straight with only a couple naps here and there.

I managed to participate in a philosophy debate over Nietzsche vs Kant in art history, give a 5-minute presentation on my product in corporate identity, and go to every one of my classes on a grand total of 11 hours of sleep last week. I don’t know how I did it…it just seemed to keep flowing so I went with it.

I am not myself right now. I am not thinking clearly and emotionally I am shut off. I am babbling incessantly and have become bitingly sarcastic. I didn’t realize how bad it had become until Friday when I spent a couple hours with Jon and Brian. I thought I was telling them really important, profound things…until they kept telling me "You told us that 10 minutes ago." This continued to happen, and I seriously did not recall repeating things to them. I should be scared by that but I am too distracted to care right now.

I have gotten an amazing amount of stuff done. By the time the show comes around I should be good to go. But right now everything is in major upheaval.

I can’t feel anything.

Tonight I had a pocket of time where I felt really depressed, as if I wanted to cry. I couldn’t. I didn’t know how.

I think last Thursday was the most surreal day of my life. After being up for 60 hours, I came to find out that someone had broken into TR’s studio and stole thousands of dollars worth of musical equipment including Jeff’s guitar. None of us, even the two of them, knew quite what to do. Jeff and I had our final critiques that afternoon so instead of napping I watched the computer lab for TR while he filed a police report. Jeff did all he could to keep cutting straight lines on his project while he raged inside. I was so tired before my critique that I slid underneath a table in the "cut and swear" room and took a short nap. I didn’t realize how ridiculous that was until I told my professor I’d done that. After it was all done, the lot of us went out to the bars and had a bunch of beer and just got rid of our frustration through camaraderie and alcohol. Despite how exhausted we all were, it was a necessary thing to do.

I no longer can tell if I’m dead tired or drunk. We have all been going out several times a week to drink and talk, and everything is blending together in a globby mess. Being overtired is worse than being drunk because at least when I’m drunk I realize what I’m saying and doing. When I’m tired I lose short-term memory.

I have an art history test in 6 hours. I should be asleep right now but I’m so messed up I can’t. The same thing happened yesterday…I lay down to sleep and I dozed for an hour and a half and suddenly I was wide awake. After class I came home and slept for 7 hours. Now the cycle is repeating. Sleep an hour, wait all night for the morning to come with eyes wide open, go to class. I have officially reversed my sleep schedule and I don’t have the time to get it back on track right now so I’m going to have to just go with it.

All I have is disjointed thoughts, but very focused thoughts. I know what I have to do on particular projects yet I can’t remember when I last showered because all the days and nights blend together so well. I know it was Monday sometime, but it’s really Tuesday morning right now, so when should I expect to shower again?

I have not yet permitted myself to react to any of these things. I know I should be scared for my sanity and my emotional well-being, but both of those things don’t seem important right now. I’m living in a bubble, with this protective shell around me. As long as I get things finished and people generally understand me, things are fine. When this is all over, the shit is going to hit the fan and I am going to have a severe mess to clean up. That’s not something I have the luxury to think about at the moment.

Don’t be worried about me. I’m not so far gone as to have lost all touch with reality and my life. I’m aware that this is a very fucked up existence to be living. I know my hallucinations are not real even when they’re happening. I still love and care about people and myself, but I cannot get caught up in that or I will break down. I have to continue to live with this shell around me or I will not be able to handle the stress and just as things are nearing the end I will crumble. It is the light at the end of the tunnel that keeps me motivated and is the sole reason why I can push myself to this extreme.

So I leave you with this. I am doing foolish things to accomplish something very important to me and my life. I am aware of their effects on my mind and body and am able to recognize the difference between reality and insanity. I am toeing the line right now, yes, but I will not allow myself to slip past it. By working hard now and putting myself through this I am working for a greater good, and one day very soon it will all be over and I will be able to return to the life I know and love, and be able to spend time with the people I care desperately about.

I love all of you very much and I’m very sorry I can’t be with you right now. I am thinking of you during these times of trial, and longing for the day we can be together again. Soon, my friends, soon.