I’m Hearing: Saliva - Rest in Pieces

What a fricken week. ~_~ Last weekend the guys went off to a programming competition in Illinois so I was left by myself to work on homework. I got
quite a bit accomplished in my intaglio work, so it wasn’t too terrible of a thing. I did, however, get really cranky when I found out they had all
played the arcade DDR without me. ;_; For some reason that, combined with the fact that I’d spent the entire weekend alone working on homework, put me
in a really sour mood for awhile, and I got a little short with some people, intentionally. I don’t know why I felt the need to provoke people into
arguing with me because it really didn’t make me feel any better. In fact, I just felt like a bitch because of it. In the end, I went out with some guys
from class for cheap beer on Sunday night. Then again on Monday night. Then Wednesday night we had 40’s night (drank 40oz beer and watched a movie). Then
last night we got boxed wine. I have never spent so many nights within one week drinking…and I can’t say I necessarily regret doing it. It was nice
to spend that much time with my classmates and we did have quite a bit of fun. The only major downside was the day after 40’s night, I was drunk until
2:30 in the afternoon, which meant I was tipsy at class and work…which wasn’t entirely a bad thing, but it made it hard to focus on anything.

I’ve been so exhausted lately…I’m beginning to feel the way I did last semester, where I am so involved in my projects that to put any effort forth on anything
else whatsoever is almost too much to handle. All I feel like doing most of the day is just taking a nap. So I’ve spent a lot of time in the afternoons that I’ve
had free, just sleeping. Then, because I’ve napped, when it finally comes time for me to go to bed at night (sometime between 2 and 4 am) I just can’t sleep
so I toss and turn for at least an hour…and by that point i only get about 2 or 3 hours of sleep, and that’s no good for me. So I’ve not been feeling
all that well because of this the last couple weeks…and all the drinking I did this week didn’t help any.

Even though I’ve spent a lot of time with my classmates recently, I haven’t been able to see much of my friends at all, and that makes me sad. I miss them
a lot. ;_; I feel really separated physically from people and I can’t help wanting nothing more than to have someone hold me for awhile, just so I can have that
contact. It doesn’t have to be in a romantic way at all…I just want to feel someone’s arms around me, to drink in that warmth and comfort.

So sheesh, I don’t even remember what has gone on recently…just tons of projects, very little sleep, lots of anxiety and nervousness about the end coming up
so quickly. Ugh. Thinking about that subject is a surefire way to make myself irritable.

I realized something last night when I met someone I’d never met before. Deep down I really must think my life is more important and more meaningful than
other peoples’…and this idea bothers me immensely. People ask me “How’s school? When do you graduate? What are you going to do after graduation?” and I will
answer as if it’s a really important thing they hear about, but I don’t inquire about their situations. What the fuck is wrong with me? I usually think of myself
as being overly concerned about other peoples’ well-being…but I don’t make nearly as much of a deal out of their school life as I do my own. And they don’t
seem to either, generally. The idea that I don’t know what’s going to become of my life in two months really, seriously, bothers me, and I’m not afraid to
admit it. No one else really talks about it. When Brian was graduating and had no idea about what he’d do for a job, he didn’t say much of anything at all.
I knew it must have bothered him, but he never talked about it, save for a few stray comments about how depressed he felt. This is such a big deal for me,
and I don’t know how else to deal with it besides making a big deal out of it. :\ Perhaps others don’t feel nearly as strongly about this as I do (I think
I’d be concerned it they *did*) but a big part of me feels like they should be hovering around me, asking me if I’m okay, or if I need anything. Pfft, as if
they don’t have lives of their own to worry about.

This began to hit me when I noticed that I hadn’t seen some of my roommates for over a week. I am rarely ever home, and when I am, I am usually sleeping.
I come home in the wee hours of the morning and usually leave before any of them are awake. So if we’re ever home at the same time, we’re usually not conscious.
Sure, they all have school and work to keep them busy, but they all have time to spend at home at night at least. So I guess this is one of the reasons my
subconscious finds my own time and situation more precious than that of most other people…I am so overwhelmed that I have little to no leisure time, and they
have enough time to sit at home and watch tv at night while I’m slaving away at school.

I don’t know if that sounds self-centered to anyone else, but it does to me, even though it’s how I feel. I’m sure if I had less to keep me busy I wouldn’t
be thinking these things at all…but I truly think that I have a lot of important things to do, a lot of which are sacred to me. So the time I could spend
doing something in my free time being creative would be worth more than that of a person who just watches tv at night. No, I don’t always do creative
things in my free time, but my ego must think that me sitting in front of my computer watching episodes of Red Dwarf is more meaningful than my roommates
watching something on the Home and Garden channel.

I must just be an egotistical bitch, or I wouldn’t have even considered these ideas. I guess it means something that I’m at least aware that I’m thinking
this way and that I feel bad about it, even though that doesn’t change the fact that I do think this way. Ugh.

Whether this is connected directly to that mode of thinking or not, I’m not entirely sure, but I think it’s important to mention a conversation I had
over irc with Qiang, a friend of mine from Singapore. The topic was inspiration. Qiang, like all other males his age in Singapore, is serving up his time in the army.
One of his only solaces is drawing, so he’s created a comic to keep himself busy…when he’s not drawing, he’s thinking about it. In any case, the other
day we were speaking of the highs involved in the process of creation. Of course, these highs are associated with equally profound lows…and you really have
to be a certain type of person to put so much of yourself out there to be vulnerable to either possibility. Both he and I are like this, we know the overwhelming
good that comes from experiencing high that we’re willing to risk the low to get there. I know that terrifies a lot of people, and with good reason. But to me
it’s a necessary course of events. It’s not even really a choice for me. I do it because I can’t not.

A lot of the reasoning behind this is the way I feel
and experience inspiration. When it hits me like a swift kick to the backside, it’s not just something I can ignore. And to me, being able to experience this
kind of inspiration is being able to touch genius. You must understand that by my own definition, I don’t personally consider myself a genius, but I do consider
myself chosen as a conduit for this kind of energy. I have proven to myself (and hopefully others) that I can channel inspiration into a concrete and meaningful
form, one that has shown to perpetuate inspiration in other people. Many times when I’ve spoken about what happens when I get a rush like this, it has caused
other people to get a jolt of a similar kind, to feel inspired to do something creative themselves. This leaves me in amazement everytime, and in itself, it
is a wonderful feeling. This ability to channel the energy is a wonderous gift, and to ignore it or downplay it would be simply a rejection of what is true and good.
(My art history professor has got me thinking more and more about “truth, goodness, and beauty” which is what he believes good art aspires to depict.) One of the
concepts he has talked about is that all good is a gift from God, and evil is the failure to accept that gift. I know I’ve been handed something profound,
and to think of myself not doing anything with it…pushing it aside…by this definition, I would be committing an act of evil. I do believe that when I
create, I am in touch with a power more glorious and wonderful than what could be only in this fragile human body of mine, that when I’m inspired I am communing
with God. I am not egotistical enough to actually believe any and all talents I have are because I’m some type of superhuman. I don’t think that at all. Like
I mentioned, I do believe I’ve been given an ability that others either don’t have, haven’t discovered yet, don’t know how to use, or have simply pushed aside. Because I’m quite
open to more transcendent thoughts and experiences, there is very little blocking this energy from coming through. I have no other explanation for what happened
to me at this time last year. It had to be a communion with a higher form of energy from without my own body…what is within me reacted very strongly to
this, and was able to hang onto it for an extremely long time.

Hmm, a classmate who graduated last semester just stopped by and we had a pretty long conversation. After talking to her, I’ve lost my train of thought
on the subject I was just speaking of, but I think I was mostly done talking about it anyhow.

Yeah…I can’t really add anything more to this right now, as my mood has shifted and I can’t come up with any deep thoughts at this point. Ah well.

I’m sure anyone who checks my blahg with any regularity has noticed I haven’t been updating much but I think it’s pretty clear why that is. I have been
thinking a lot but the opportunities to express those thoughts have presented themselves in conversations I’ve had with people recently so I haven’t really
felt the need to repeat them here. Some of you probably wonder how I’m doing with all that’s going on, so since there’s a good chance that I won’t be able
to tell you personally…I am doing okay but I’m just swamped! I will take some pictures of my projects as I complete them so you have some idea what I’m
working on, but the chances of this happening promptly is very low. So to all my lovely friends, I’m thinking of you a lot and I hope all is well in your
lives.

I’m Hearing: something on a streaming radio station

uuuuu, this week has been one of the roughest I’ve had in a long time, and it’s only Wednesday. I thought that on Sunday already though. ~_~

I was actually quite surprised when I realized that I haven’t updated in ages…a lot has happened in that time, which I suppose would be the main reason
why I haven’t updated…no time (or motivation) to do so.

So anyhow, it’s mainly been my graphic design work that’s been keeping me busy (as usual.) Sunday night I worked in the computer lab during my monitoring time
on my Corporate Identity project, then went over to my workplace to print it (was there quite late…sometime after 1AM as I recall.) Right now we have to make
a package for the product we’ve been designing…and I must admit that I’m
rather pleased with how my “Elato!” box is turning out. The idea came to me rather naturally, and despite the instructor’s detestment of her students going with their
first idea, this is precisely what I did because it ended up being the strongest concept.

So Sunday night was a very short night of sleep. Then Monday morning we had our critique bright and early at 8 AM. ~_~ The package was really fragile (as
it is just made of paper) so keeping it nice-looking on my walk to school was a challenge, especially because it was rather cold out and i had to hold it in my bare
hands (was too afraid I’d crush it with mittens on.) My concept was well-recieved in class, much to my astonishment; the instructor actually called my work
“outstanding.” O_O Then the power went out. :-D So we continued our critique in the hallway in front of the bathrooms because the hall was the only place where the
backup lights were on. I guess a transformer blew or something of the sort…but it was kind of handy because I couldn’t do anything at work (since one would find
electricity quite useful to run a computer) so I went home and worked on some stuff for portfolio review. Actually, I took a nap for a bit and worked on my zinc
plate for intaglio (which is totally fucked up right now), then went to work, then worked on my design stuff. XD I was up till 5:30 AM the next morning (had to come up with a self-identity for mailers,
business cards, resume, and cover letter for my senior show.) I was rather pleased with my work once again, which is a rare feeling when one is as anal as I am
about their work.

So yeah, my classes are keeping me super busy…I’m very tired right now, on the verge of sleep actually. I haven’t been getting nearly enough sleep but I’m still
doing better than last semester…although I can already tell it’s going to get that way soon enough.

Brian finally bought his new car last week. It’s really, really nice, and just reminds me of how horribly ghetto my car is. (Tis a blue 4-door 2003
Volkswagen Golf…the last in the Midwest–he had to have it driven up from somewhere in Illinois because there were non left in Wisconsin!)

We spent most of the weekend either playing DDR, rebuilding DDR pads, or talking about building an aluminum DDR pad. XD I bought DDRMax 2 two Fridays ago, but
by last Friday I had unlocked all the songs. I was sorely disappointed by that…I really was expecting more. So we’ve already gone back to playing the first
DDRMax. While Brian was at church on Saturday night, hachi and I cut down some plywood and spent most of the night
reconstructing my first DDR pad into a working
model. I made some raised buttons so there is a tactile response now (you can actually feel where they are!) It’s a lot harder on your legs to dance on plywood,
but the pad isn’t durable enough to wear shoes (it’s just duct taped together.) Hachi has some teriffic ideas for an aluminum and plexiglas pad, so hopefully
we can start building a prototype soon.

I’ve spent the last month watching episodes of Red Dwarf. That show is unbelievably brilliant…I
can’t even begin to describe. Many thanks to zinc and peet, who uploaded all the eps.

I guess that’s about all…I guess truthfully, a lot hasn’t happened since my last update…I’ve just been busy with the same stuff. Extremely busy. I’m so
incredibly tired right now. =_= yawns Because I’m so busy, I haven’t really had the time or the inclination to think much about what’s going to happen after graduation…
that’s slid to the back of my mind and stayed there over the course of the last month. Aside from sending in my application for the lab consultant job, I haven’t
given it much thought at all, which is good because I’m generally a lot happier and calmer than I was when I was thinking about that all the time. But it’s coming
up really really soon. Something to worry about later though.