I’m Hearing: Chevelle - One Lonely Visitor

I suppose writing down some of what I’m feeling right now might be helpful, as I am a complete and total emotional wreck, and I am having issues fighting off tears while at work. *sigh*

Really, it’s a combination of things that’s making me this way, but in the end it all comes down to my feelings of fear and uncertainty about what I’m going to do, where I’m going to go, after I graduate. There are things that I’m focusing on more than that now, as a way to distance myself from that because of how painful that is for me to think about, some good but most bad. First off, there’s my senior design exhibition to plan. I’m really really excited about that, because I’ll be able to display what I’ve been working so hard on for so long, and it’ll be my last chance as a student to shine. I have a lot of big plans for it, and I’ve already begun on a new project for the display. Many of my friends have offered some suggestions for a theme, but I still haven’t really come across anything that felt like the one. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it will be fantastic, amazing…it’s almost like the feeling I had before I came up with Avatar…like I knew something big was about to happen but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I’m feeling very good about that in general, so this has been a positive thing to focus on, and for that I’m most grateful.

There, are, however, other things that are not so great right now. First off, there’s my financial situation, which shows no signs of improving anytime in the near future. There were some major screwups with my payroll for the last two weeks so it may be four to six weeks before I actually get the money I’ve made since school began. FUCK. And if you’ve spoken to me anytime within the last month, you’ll know I’ve made a complete overhaul to my spending habits and have completely cut out non-food and non-essential items (ie…no entertainment or frivolous purchases) and I’m extremely committed to that decision. Unfortunately, the money is still going out faster than it’s coming in, due to the mess of bills that came at the same time as tuition, so it may be December before I have my entire tuition bill paid off. Nurgh. So unless I magically find a bunch of money somewhere, I very well may be dirt poor for many months to come.

So of course I’m worried to death about money right now…I’m trying very hard to support myself and not have to rely on others. I just hate being indebted to anyone, especially my parents. So whenever I can avoid it, I make every attempt to not borrow money. If that means cutting out things like food, well…that’s how it is (or has been, at any rate.) I realize that’s not a very smart decision, but I feel incompetent most of the time as it is, so going out and asking for financial help isn’t too appealing to the part of me that is desperately wishing I could feel more independent and capable. Yes, it is pride…but I don’t think of it as a shallow form of pride since being able to support yourself is a very important part of being an adult, which I most certainly do not feel like. Even though I have confidence in many of my abilities, at the same time I second-guess just about everything I do, so it’s fleeting. One of my greatest fears is how I’ll survive when I’m completely alone, away from my family, away from my friends. Which brings me around to the most troubling topic: moving away.

Right now, I feel like I have to move away from this area. I’ve lived in this city for my entire life, and while it’s a nice, safe place…it’s rather boring. There isn’t much culture around, and very little diversity of people and lifestyle. It’s comfortable here but with that comfort comes stagnation. I just don’t feel like my life would be very full if I stayed here. So then comes the issue of moving away. I really would like to go to another part of the country, in particular the northwest (Seattle). I’ve never actually been there but it seems like the ideal place for me. So the idea of moving appeals to me greatly. However, it’s not as easy as just packing up and going.

First of all, my entire family (save for one uncle) lives in this area, and have for as long as they’ve been in this country. My parents are very attached to their land and farm, and don’t (and *won’t*) travel. So if I move more than a couple hours’ drive away, they won’t visit me. The only way I’d be able to see them is if I came back from time to time. This is extremely heartbreaking to me because I’m very close to them. All the way through college we’ve had dinner together on Friday nights, making time to talk about our lives and just enjoying each others’ company. That means so much to me, I really can’t begin to describe it. So the idea of being away from them hurts me, even though it’s a very important part of growing up.

The other major factor in my hesitance to leave has to do with my closest friends. I consider Brian and Jonathan to be two of the best friends I’ve ever had. We are so much a part of each others’ lives that very little occurs without the others’ knowledge. There is a great comfort and familiarity we have as a group, a relationship we’ve built over the 5 or 6 years we’ve known each other. Thinking of my life without both of them is unbearably painful for me, as they are the only two real life friends who I can truly say accept and love me for who I am, as they know me better than most people outside of my family. They are so much a part of my life that they are family to me…they both fit in with my actual family so well as to be essentially indistinguishable. Of course I’m well-aware that because of technology, we will still be able to interact and continue to be in each others’ lives through the internet, but that doesn’t change the fact that we can’t be together in the same room. There’s just something about hearing the happiness in Jonathan’s laugh and watching Brian hug my mega carrot that just cannot be duplicated by any other means. Just the thought of leaving them behind makes me nauseous and lightheaded, and short of asking both of them to come with me, I fear that this will be how it ends up. Brian has now gotten a job in this city so I imagine he’ll want to stick around for awhile, and Jonathan also has a steady job with no immediate plans to leave (as far as I’m aware). I want to break into tears whenever I think about it, which is a terrible thing when I’m at work.

I suppose my feelings toward the situation might be different if I had someone…anyone…who wanted to move with me. I have never been completely alone in my entire life…I’ve always had my family and friends in the immediate area so I had a support system. But if I moved all the way across the country, that would no longer be the case. I would be physically alone in an unfamiliar place with nothing to fall back on. I have no experience with this type of situation, so I don’t have the first idea what I’d do. If I had someone who wanted to move with me, even if it was just a classmate or someone I didn’t know all that well, at least I’d have someone familiar around me. When I first began considering this option, I thought perhaps my hesitance comes from the fact that I don’t have a significant other to come along with me, but I grew to realize that it was more along the lines of me having no one at all.

So perhaps you can see why this scares me so much. Right now my support structure is sound and present…I have plenty of people willing to talk to me about this, so I’ve been able to think things through a little more clearly. But I can feel this all slipping away. I’ve had enough people tell me that I shouldn’t worry about it right now, because I don’t have to move away immediately…I can take some time to decide. Well, this is true. However, I do have a significant fear about what that could lead to. I picture myself finding a good job around here while I’m making up my mind about where and when to leave…and deciding that this area of the country really isn’t that bad, and just settling for a life here, when I could clearly have a better, fuller life somewhere else. I’d be cheating myself because of my fear. I cannot allow that to happen, I just can’t. I have never felt more like a child in my life than I do in regards to this situation. I have a lot more maturing and growing to do before I can feel right about calling myself an adult. I may never feel that way. My mom often tells me she still hasn’t decided what she wants to do with her life…and at her age that’s both refreshing and discomforting. She’s ended up in a situation which she attempted to avoid, but couldn’t escape because of love. And I figure, if that happens to me, then I won’t be disappointed because I’ve seen how happy my mother is.

*sigh* I’m doing my best to keep focused on what matters for the moment, namely school and work, but these other issues are doing their darndest to keep me distracted. Being as obsessive as I am is more a curse than a blessing now, but if I can find a way to channel all of the nervous energy into my work rather than worrying about all this other stuff, I should come out really well when it comes time for my senior show. Like I mentioned, I have a really good feeling about that, so I seriously doubt my intuition is wrong in this case. When I feel something this strongly, it’s usually not a false alarm. Trusting my feelings is one thing I can usually count on…that is, if I didn’t second-guess myself so much. >_<