I’m Hearing: the phone ringing

I’m feeling such a mixture of different things right now…so much is hitting me all at once…and I have to admit that there are very few positive feelings in there at the moment. Anyone who’s talked to me recently already knows how anxious I’m feeling about graduation and all the things that come along with that…anxiety more akin to terror. Basically it boils down to this: I am tired of school and want desperately to graduate and get out, but I’m scared of what comes next.

I feel it’s very important for me to leave home after school is over. And I don’t just mean move away from Oshkosh…I mean, go out and live somewhere completely different. I really do need that experience and I fear that if I don’t do it right away, I’ll find a job around here and just get comfortable and not want to leave….and therefore I’ll never go anywhere else. I’ve lived my life so close to home for the entirety of my time here on earth, and it’s severely limited my world view. The major problem is, though, that I’ve never been entirely alone…I’ve always had someone with me to help me when I was lost, or to accompany me when I was scared. But if I go off on my own, I won’t have that at all. I don’t want to leave my friends and family but at the same time, I’ll have to, because they won’t follow me.

I wouldn’t have much of a problem moving away if I had someone to go with me. In fact, it wouldn’t be a big deal at all. It’s the idea of being alone that frightens and paralyzes me so much. Yes, it’s a weakness, but I crave companionship. That’s not something I can just ignore.

This semester itself doesn’t seem like it’ll be all that bad in terms of workload. I have enough time outside of classes to work, so it shouldn’t be anything near as bad as my previous semester from hell. That is about the only good thing I’ve been able to pick out of all of this. I mean, I sit here feeling physically ill at the thought of being thrust out into the world with no plan, no sense of direction. Cos once I graduate, I will have to find a new job, even if it’s only something part-time, since both jobs I have now are student-assistant or work-study jobs that only students are allowed to have. The fact that I’m graduating at the halfway point in the year makes things a tad sketchy because my lease on the apartment goes until next September.

I’ve talked to some friends about what I should do, and the universal response has been "don’t worry about it until you graduate"….but in several instances, the situation warrants action before that time. Like…if I need to find a subleaser, I’ll have to do that 4 months in advance because we pay our rent in 4 month chunks. So I could just pay off the place and move back home, but that will solve nothing.

I just feel lost, adrift…like I’m being pulled away from everything I know and love.

And I’m scared.

I feel ill. I think I’m going to lay down for a bit.