I’m Hearing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Don’t Forget Me

Hmmmmmm. Well, I’m in luck, as the computers in the lab actually have Dreamweaver 4 installed, so I can do something productive other than sit here and shoot the shit with other people who should also be doing something more important.

Yeah, the second I say that, Jeff turns around and asks me a question and suddenly I’m sucked into another conversation. Ah well, I guess it’s unavoidable when I’m in here. We need some outlet for complaint I suppose, and we’re all in this together so it makes sense.

I spent all of yesterday in my bedroom working on a possible poster design for my group’s senior exhibition. As I worked, listening to my own music without distractions, I started to remember that I do indeed actually like design. At that point I wasn’t just doing something to fulfill an assignment requirement. I mean, yes, the poster was an assignment in that everyone who is graduating had to come up with a poster concept to present, but it wasn’t a matter of pleasing the professor to get a good grade…it was something that represented us as a group, our feelings about the work we’d done in school, and everything else we went through to get where we are now. And that’s a LOT of stuff, both emotionally and physically. So I actually had a lot of fun with my idea, even though I ended up going with a slightly more straight-laced concept than I had originally intended (a bit more serious than most of the designs I’ve become known for, at least among people familiar with my work.)

I used the fact that I’ve been awfully sick lately as an excuse to stay in and rest up as much as possible…which I knew was the smartest idea…but I did have to make some sacrifices in order to do that. I was upset that I wasn’t able to go along with Brian and Jonathan to visit Will, but the fact that I got as much accomplished as I did during that time more than made up for it. Plus, the guys came over and visited me for awhile after they got home, so that made me happy. :-D My preliminary poster idea turned out rather well, so I felt reassured that I’d spent my time wisely. I’m sure I would have had a lot of fun hanging out with the guys all afternoon, but I would have fallen way behind on my projects so…yeah. I know I made the right decision.

Now that I think about it, I haven’t written in here since I got sick…I’m not seriously ill or anything, I’ve just had a horrible head cold. Very stuffed up sinuses and lots of coughing. Meh. Been resting and taking Vitamin C, and things are getting a bit better now, even though my voice still sounds all stuffy. Did voice chat with Peet and Tig last night so they got to hear my lovely stuffed up voice and a bunch of coughing. Ah well.

So things are already starting to really get going now…the deadlines for Senior Exhibition projects are coming up faster than I expected so I think I may be pulling a lot of what I did this weekend in the coming days. Which, in the end, won’t be all that bad, considering I’ve rediscovered why I enjoy design, so I’m finally having legitimate fun with my projects instead of having fun in spite of them (ie, all the stuff we did last semester during that annual report project.) I set up a second monitor for my PC at home so I can throw all my chat windows and various palettes and whatnot on that and work with my canvases maximized…which makes working on that computer a lot nicer than working in the lab where I only have a single 17" monitor and a slow-as-molasses Mac G4 to work on (with only 128mb of ram in it!) In adddition to that, just having my own music to listen to makes it all worthwhile…the whole 70-some-gig that’s on my computer at the moment. And a comfortable chair. And being able to eat, drink, and wear whatever the hell I want to. Not that I’d want to always work out of my home…it’s really the deadlines and my own drive to want to make my show the best it can be that are keeping me motivated…but it’s so easy to get distracted by other things while I’m at home (even though the distractions are different there than they are in the lab.)

So I have no idea if I’m making sense anymore…since I’m only half-paying attention to what I’m typing. The other people in here are talking about things that both interest and directly involve me so it’s hard to focus on things other than the conversation. Nurgh. I know the second I put my headphones back on, someone is going to try to get my attention and I’ll have to take them off again. Oh well…in the end, I’m being paid to be in here, so I guess any work that I get done is just a bonus. The problem is, right now there is nothing I can do in here…everything else I have to do either at home, or down in the Intaglio studio.

I’m not exactly tired right now considering I was able to get a decent amount of sleep the last few nights…but I do feel a bit wiped. Fortunately, most of that can be directly attributed to my cold so it’s not something I’m particularly worried about. I can see that this semester is going to be another tough one in that I have a lot of work to do…but at least this time the majority of the work will be me trying to present my previous work in the best possible light. And like I mentioned earlier, I’m very excited about my work so it won’t be painful in the way it was last semester. I do still feel burnt out, but there has been something of a resurgance of interest in design at the very least.

Hmm, I’m rather hungry at the moment but I don’t have any food of reasonable substance with me. I think I have some choco pudding though…maybe I’ll dip into that.

I’m Hearing: Chevelle - One Lonely Visitor

I suppose writing down some of what I’m feeling right now might be helpful, as I am a complete and total emotional wreck, and I am having issues fighting off tears while at work. *sigh*

Really, it’s a combination of things that’s making me this way, but in the end it all comes down to my feelings of fear and uncertainty about what I’m going to do, where I’m going to go, after I graduate. There are things that I’m focusing on more than that now, as a way to distance myself from that because of how painful that is for me to think about, some good but most bad. First off, there’s my senior design exhibition to plan. I’m really really excited about that, because I’ll be able to display what I’ve been working so hard on for so long, and it’ll be my last chance as a student to shine. I have a lot of big plans for it, and I’ve already begun on a new project for the display. Many of my friends have offered some suggestions for a theme, but I still haven’t really come across anything that felt like the one. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it will be fantastic, amazing…it’s almost like the feeling I had before I came up with Avatar…like I knew something big was about to happen but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I’m feeling very good about that in general, so this has been a positive thing to focus on, and for that I’m most grateful.

There, are, however, other things that are not so great right now. First off, there’s my financial situation, which shows no signs of improving anytime in the near future. There were some major screwups with my payroll for the last two weeks so it may be four to six weeks before I actually get the money I’ve made since school began. FUCK. And if you’ve spoken to me anytime within the last month, you’ll know I’ve made a complete overhaul to my spending habits and have completely cut out non-food and non-essential items (ie…no entertainment or frivolous purchases) and I’m extremely committed to that decision. Unfortunately, the money is still going out faster than it’s coming in, due to the mess of bills that came at the same time as tuition, so it may be December before I have my entire tuition bill paid off. Nurgh. So unless I magically find a bunch of money somewhere, I very well may be dirt poor for many months to come.

So of course I’m worried to death about money right now…I’m trying very hard to support myself and not have to rely on others. I just hate being indebted to anyone, especially my parents. So whenever I can avoid it, I make every attempt to not borrow money. If that means cutting out things like food, well…that’s how it is (or has been, at any rate.) I realize that’s not a very smart decision, but I feel incompetent most of the time as it is, so going out and asking for financial help isn’t too appealing to the part of me that is desperately wishing I could feel more independent and capable. Yes, it is pride…but I don’t think of it as a shallow form of pride since being able to support yourself is a very important part of being an adult, which I most certainly do not feel like. Even though I have confidence in many of my abilities, at the same time I second-guess just about everything I do, so it’s fleeting. One of my greatest fears is how I’ll survive when I’m completely alone, away from my family, away from my friends. Which brings me around to the most troubling topic: moving away.

Right now, I feel like I have to move away from this area. I’ve lived in this city for my entire life, and while it’s a nice, safe place…it’s rather boring. There isn’t much culture around, and very little diversity of people and lifestyle. It’s comfortable here but with that comfort comes stagnation. I just don’t feel like my life would be very full if I stayed here. So then comes the issue of moving away. I really would like to go to another part of the country, in particular the northwest (Seattle). I’ve never actually been there but it seems like the ideal place for me. So the idea of moving appeals to me greatly. However, it’s not as easy as just packing up and going.

First of all, my entire family (save for one uncle) lives in this area, and have for as long as they’ve been in this country. My parents are very attached to their land and farm, and don’t (and *won’t*) travel. So if I move more than a couple hours’ drive away, they won’t visit me. The only way I’d be able to see them is if I came back from time to time. This is extremely heartbreaking to me because I’m very close to them. All the way through college we’ve had dinner together on Friday nights, making time to talk about our lives and just enjoying each others’ company. That means so much to me, I really can’t begin to describe it. So the idea of being away from them hurts me, even though it’s a very important part of growing up.

The other major factor in my hesitance to leave has to do with my closest friends. I consider Brian and Jonathan to be two of the best friends I’ve ever had. We are so much a part of each others’ lives that very little occurs without the others’ knowledge. There is a great comfort and familiarity we have as a group, a relationship we’ve built over the 5 or 6 years we’ve known each other. Thinking of my life without both of them is unbearably painful for me, as they are the only two real life friends who I can truly say accept and love me for who I am, as they know me better than most people outside of my family. They are so much a part of my life that they are family to me…they both fit in with my actual family so well as to be essentially indistinguishable. Of course I’m well-aware that because of technology, we will still be able to interact and continue to be in each others’ lives through the internet, but that doesn’t change the fact that we can’t be together in the same room. There’s just something about hearing the happiness in Jonathan’s laugh and watching Brian hug my mega carrot that just cannot be duplicated by any other means. Just the thought of leaving them behind makes me nauseous and lightheaded, and short of asking both of them to come with me, I fear that this will be how it ends up. Brian has now gotten a job in this city so I imagine he’ll want to stick around for awhile, and Jonathan also has a steady job with no immediate plans to leave (as far as I’m aware). I want to break into tears whenever I think about it, which is a terrible thing when I’m at work.

I suppose my feelings toward the situation might be different if I had someone…anyone…who wanted to move with me. I have never been completely alone in my entire life…I’ve always had my family and friends in the immediate area so I had a support system. But if I moved all the way across the country, that would no longer be the case. I would be physically alone in an unfamiliar place with nothing to fall back on. I have no experience with this type of situation, so I don’t have the first idea what I’d do. If I had someone who wanted to move with me, even if it was just a classmate or someone I didn’t know all that well, at least I’d have someone familiar around me. When I first began considering this option, I thought perhaps my hesitance comes from the fact that I don’t have a significant other to come along with me, but I grew to realize that it was more along the lines of me having no one at all.

So perhaps you can see why this scares me so much. Right now my support structure is sound and present…I have plenty of people willing to talk to me about this, so I’ve been able to think things through a little more clearly. But I can feel this all slipping away. I’ve had enough people tell me that I shouldn’t worry about it right now, because I don’t have to move away immediately…I can take some time to decide. Well, this is true. However, I do have a significant fear about what that could lead to. I picture myself finding a good job around here while I’m making up my mind about where and when to leave…and deciding that this area of the country really isn’t that bad, and just settling for a life here, when I could clearly have a better, fuller life somewhere else. I’d be cheating myself because of my fear. I cannot allow that to happen, I just can’t. I have never felt more like a child in my life than I do in regards to this situation. I have a lot more maturing and growing to do before I can feel right about calling myself an adult. I may never feel that way. My mom often tells me she still hasn’t decided what she wants to do with her life…and at her age that’s both refreshing and discomforting. She’s ended up in a situation which she attempted to avoid, but couldn’t escape because of love. And I figure, if that happens to me, then I won’t be disappointed because I’ve seen how happy my mother is.

*sigh* I’m doing my best to keep focused on what matters for the moment, namely school and work, but these other issues are doing their darndest to keep me distracted. Being as obsessive as I am is more a curse than a blessing now, but if I can find a way to channel all of the nervous energy into my work rather than worrying about all this other stuff, I should come out really well when it comes time for my senior show. Like I mentioned, I have a really good feeling about that, so I seriously doubt my intuition is wrong in this case. When I feel something this strongly, it’s usually not a false alarm. Trusting my feelings is one thing I can usually count on…that is, if I didn’t second-guess myself so much. >_<

I’m Hearing: Revis - Caught in the Rain

Wasn’t a half-bad day actually. For my corporate identity class I’m supposed to come up with a marketing scheme/branding for some type of tomato juice, including name, logo, colors, etc. Tomatoes are one of the grossest foods I can think of so this assignment makes me nauseous. And this will be the only project for the entire semester so I won’t be able to escape it. Luckily someone on IRC suggested a good name and I was able to draw some interesting ideas from it, so I’m not completely stuck.

After that class this morning, I worked the rest of the day, then I went to my parents’ house for bohemian baking. My mom had invited Brian and Jon so we all had dinner together, which turned out to be really nice. Brian went off to Chamber Singers rehearsal and Jon and I hung out for a bit before I went over to the computer lab for work. Jon came along and hung out with me, Ben, Jeff, and TR, and it was a blast. It’s already starting to feel like old times…and I’m already back on my "normal" school sleep and food schedule (ie, 5 hours of sleep followed by a breakfast of mountain dew) and in a way, this discomfort feels familiar, and therefore, comfortable. :-)

After the computer lab, I helped Big Brian paint the front part of the house, which is filthy and gross. The trim was quite easy to do because the carpet just peels away from the wall. XD It’s so horribly ghetto over there, it can’t even be considered "ghetto fabulous"…it’s bad. But the paint makes it look a ton better.

After tonight I’m feeling pretty confident about this semester. I don’t think I’ll be as overworked as last semester…after all, I only have 2 classes in which I’ll be producing original work (one graphics class, one printmaking class), so my resources shouldn’t be nearly as taxed as they have been in the past. I’m kind of excited that I’ll be working 27 hours a week and making money to pay off my tuition bill (I had no financial assistance this time around)…so I’ll still be living a rather frugal life for awhile yet…prolly until after graduation.

Oh, and Brian finally got a job offer! I’m really happy for him because he’s been looking since before summer and was quickly nearing total unemployment so it came at the perfect moment. I’m still wondering what lies over the horizon for me.

I’m Hearing: the phone ringing

I’m feeling such a mixture of different things right now…so much is hitting me all at once…and I have to admit that there are very few positive feelings in there at the moment. Anyone who’s talked to me recently already knows how anxious I’m feeling about graduation and all the things that come along with that…anxiety more akin to terror. Basically it boils down to this: I am tired of school and want desperately to graduate and get out, but I’m scared of what comes next.

I feel it’s very important for me to leave home after school is over. And I don’t just mean move away from Oshkosh…I mean, go out and live somewhere completely different. I really do need that experience and I fear that if I don’t do it right away, I’ll find a job around here and just get comfortable and not want to leave….and therefore I’ll never go anywhere else. I’ve lived my life so close to home for the entirety of my time here on earth, and it’s severely limited my world view. The major problem is, though, that I’ve never been entirely alone…I’ve always had someone with me to help me when I was lost, or to accompany me when I was scared. But if I go off on my own, I won’t have that at all. I don’t want to leave my friends and family but at the same time, I’ll have to, because they won’t follow me.

I wouldn’t have much of a problem moving away if I had someone to go with me. In fact, it wouldn’t be a big deal at all. It’s the idea of being alone that frightens and paralyzes me so much. Yes, it’s a weakness, but I crave companionship. That’s not something I can just ignore.

This semester itself doesn’t seem like it’ll be all that bad in terms of workload. I have enough time outside of classes to work, so it shouldn’t be anything near as bad as my previous semester from hell. That is about the only good thing I’ve been able to pick out of all of this. I mean, I sit here feeling physically ill at the thought of being thrust out into the world with no plan, no sense of direction. Cos once I graduate, I will have to find a new job, even if it’s only something part-time, since both jobs I have now are student-assistant or work-study jobs that only students are allowed to have. The fact that I’m graduating at the halfway point in the year makes things a tad sketchy because my lease on the apartment goes until next September.

I’ve talked to some friends about what I should do, and the universal response has been "don’t worry about it until you graduate"….but in several instances, the situation warrants action before that time. Like…if I need to find a subleaser, I’ll have to do that 4 months in advance because we pay our rent in 4 month chunks. So I could just pay off the place and move back home, but that will solve nothing.

I just feel lost, adrift…like I’m being pulled away from everything I know and love.

And I’m scared.

I feel ill. I think I’m going to lay down for a bit.