I’m Hearing: my coworker breathing (annoyingly)

*sigh* As far as reading Bridget Jones is concerned, I have to say that’s it’s been nothing but destructive literature. Really, the only reason I’m reading it in the first place is because Mark Darcy is a prominent character and I’m addicted to reading about him. But I cannot stand Bridget herself. She embodies everything I hate about myself and it’s extremely painful and annoying to read about a woman who has unbelievably low self-esteem when she has no cause to. In any case, I’ve finished the first book and am halfway through the second. Despite how much I dislike her, I keep reading it anyhow, and it makes me feel really sad and lonely.

I’ve been single for quite awhile now and of course I’m used to it, but it doesn’t stop me from being sad a lot of the time. Especially when I see depictions of people (or real people for that matter) who have someone to love. And the part that you may not imagine is this: I am not lonely because I’m desperate for someone to love me…no. That’s not it. I’m lonley because I don’t have someone to love. More than anything I want to have someone to adore, someone who will not be frightened by my overwhelmingly strong emotions and will instead accept and cherish what I have to offer. It seems almost a waste to have me overflowing with emotion and have nowhere to go with it but into tears. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a good cry, but I’m nearing the point where it’s going to become inevitable.

Meh. Just feeling really low today. I had a rather meaningful conversation this morning with Aussie Will which I enjoyed quite a bit…it’s always a comfort to observe that not everyone runs from me when they see how much of a handful I am emotionally. If nothing else, I do have a well-founded fear of driving people away by showing them too much of who I really am. A lot of the time I really need to be careful.

I guess one of the reasons I’m so bothered right now is I’ve suddenly realized that the end of one chapter of my life is nearly over, and I’m going to have to contend with a huge number of changes within the next three months. Last week as I was sitting at work reality started nosing its way in. It was a day where I had to work both jobs, and just as I set out for job 2, I began to think…in three month’s time, what will I do with myself? I won’t be able to keep either of my jobs because I’m an intern affiliated with my university, and therefore can only work while I’m a student. I’ll have to go out and pimp my portfolio as I search for a real job. It was then that I started to get a bit nervous, because my portfolio is nowhere near ready to be shown in that capacity, and I only have three months to get it up to those standards (even if it doesn’t make it as high as my own standards). In the end, I decided that in order to devote enough time
and effort into the portfolio, I was going to have to quit one of my jobs. So for the sake of convenience more than anything else, I decided to leave the job that I have to drive to (other job is within 10 minutes walking distance). Once school starts up again I’m hoping to perhaps do lab monitoring so I can have a little extra money to survive.

So anyhow…the angst mostly lies in the idea of me graduating in December and having to move on and do something with myself that doesn’t involve school. Like most people my age, I’ve been in school for 17 years now. That’s over 75% of my life. It’s going to be really hard to deal with a change as major as having no school to worry about anymore. Then add on the pressure of having to find a job, a new place to live…and having to do all of this by myself. Frankly, I’m terrified. Change itself is scary enough, but something as major as having to uproot my whole life and start out fresh is probably the most severe form of change I’ve ever dealt with. But having to do it all alone…that makes it so much worse.

One thing I truly admire in other people is courage. I have an amazing amount of respect for my friend Rosey who left her life behind to go to school in Australia (and to be with Jules)…I don’t think I’d ever be that brave. Yes, I’ve had my share of “ballsy” moments, but mostly I am just scared. Fear holds me back a lot, and I don’t like that one bit.

When I’m in a mood like this, it’s difficult not to sit here and think horrible thoughts about myself, highlighting all my major flaws until I become indistinguishable from a real lowlife. Thinking these things is not in any way constructive, and although many of these thoughts may stem from truths, I realize I’m not a generally bad person, and I’m being too hard on myself. There is probably a good reason why I’m still alone that has nothing to do with me being vile and disgusting. (though that’s a matter of opinion, of course) Simply the fact that there really are very few types of people I’m actually attracted to realistically implies that there are very few people who would even be the slightest bit interested in me (which I know is true). And the types that I’m interested in are not the types who frequently go out to meet people…so meeting someone will have to be some chance encounter.

Ugh, I hate seeing myself this pathetic. I’m quite aware how this looks and sounds, and while part of me enjoys wallowing in misery (because it gives me a chance to feel something rather than having my emotions building up without a place to go) another part of me sees how unbecoming it is. :-(

When I get depressed I feel even less like eating than I normally do, which is no way, shape, or form a good thing. Even though I’m hungry, I have no appetite whatsoever. I’m not one of those types of women to reach for “comfort food” when they get sad. :\ Not sure what’s worse: eating too much or too little.

I really feel like talking to someone right now, but everyone is either busy or asleep. Meh. No good.

I’m starving but can’t eat.

Sad.