I’m Hearing: Mushroomhead - Too Much Nothing

Sheesh, my hormones are out of control. It’s very strange indeed…I mean…I do have a tendency to get a lot more weepy during these times but whoo, yesterday was a rollercoaster. I started out feeling extremely sad and lonely, near tears (which is never a good thing at work) then as the day progressed, I began to feel very frisky. Frisky beyond what’s usually in my character. I think I may have frightened some people. Anyhow, I solved the problem by watching several extremely girlie chick flicks (can’t ignore my feminine nature all the time, can I?) I was rather frustrated though, as all I wanted was to have someone to kiss. :\

I’m quickly realizing how hot Colin Firth is. It’s mostly Mark Darcy, the character he played in Bridget Jones’s Diary that’s so attractive (since I’ve never seen him in anything else)…and this is undoubtably enhanced by my hormonal levels at the moment, but OMG. I don’t care too much for the character of Bridget herself, as I find her quite irritating and embarrassing to watch, but I’ve watched that movie several times since the other night so I could study him more. :-) Heh. :D~~

I really haven’t been doing much else. Just trying to keep my emotions in check has been exhausting enough. >_< All I have to say is thank god this is only four days out of the month, or I’d be certifiably insane in no time.

I know I often speak of not being a typical female a lot, but it’s something that I think about a great deal. As much as I prefer myself this way, I must admit that it is strangely comforting to find facets of myself that are governed by nature rather than just attitude and environment. Just knowing that there are certain things I have no control over, such as my cycle and everything that accompanies that (including mood swings, cramps, whatever) reminds me that I am, in fact, a woman. Being able to enjoy chick flicks and perhaps even get weepy over them is a charming little part of myself that doesn’t get out much anymore, and I’m sure many people would find that amusing or perhaps just surprising.

Yes, most everything in my life centers around things not necessarily focused on the feminine nature, but it is important to me that my girlie side does not completely get ignored. Despite having no desire to have children, I still have a strong maternal instinct. I always try to help others, to make them feel comfortable and cared for. I enjoy doing things for other people, and nothing makes me happier than seeing people close to me happy, especially if it’s because of something I did or said. As I’ve said many times, I really believe my purpose in life is to love. Everything that means anything to me is centered around love. I could not fathom living out a hollow and meaningless existence devoid of companionship…if I can’t have people around me to love and be loved by, I might as well not be here. That’s how important friendship is to me.

I don’t often worry about coming off as "unfeminine" because in many cases I don’t see that as being advantageous…in many cases that word is equated with weakness or vulnerability…it does have a certain stigma attached to it…a lot of times the word "feminine" conjures up images of a woman as a sex object and nothing more. I can’t imagine thinking of myself in this manner, let alone having anyone else think of me that way, because it doesn’t seem right to me. I’m aware that many guys are not attracted to women who aren’t feminine, but I’m also aware that not everyone’s tastes are the same. I could never be with someone who expected me to dress in skirts with shoes that pinch the hell out of my toes. I would be miserable, and let’s face it, the guy would be sorely disappointed.

I do wonder though, where the line is between not wearing skirts and being a full-out tomboy. (Tomboy in this case not necessarily meaning "butch") Is it dressing in mens’ clothing, running around climbing trees, playing only with the boys, cutting your hair short (behavior) or is it attitude? I mean yeah, a lot of those behaviors describe me, but there is a lot about me that is decidedly feminine. I’m very picky about my hair, I spend a lot of time and money keeping it clean and healthy…I spend a lot of time in the bathroom getting ready…I pluck my eyebrows every other week, shave my legs *every day*…I know lots of women who don’t even do *that much*…god, I’m really complex. I just defy categorization…not that it’s a bad thing, but it sure does confuse people (myself included).

*sigh*

Well, I had considered going on some more about all my neuroses, but I’m actually finding myself at a loss for words in that regard. Wow.