I’m Hearing: Hallucinogen - L.S.D.

Hmm. There’s plenty of stuff going on in my brain right now but I don’t have enough time to get into it at the moment. Let’s just say that the idea of next week as the beginning of my final semester is scaring me shitless and I’ve worked myself into angsty tears a couple times already. The end is near, and I have no clue what to do with myself.

Last night I drank an entire bottle of Yellowtail Shiraz (red Australian wine) and it was just fantastic. I sat in my room and watched sappy chickflicks and enjoyed the wine and its effects. It wasn’t a sad event by a mile, more like a little bit of self-indulgence as I realized my 3 months of semi-freedom (summer) were drawing to a close. It was also good that despite my low tolerance for alcohol (I rarely drink, and usually only have one or two when I do) I did not get sick, nor did I have a hangover. Nice.

I’m Hearing: Type O Negative - How Could She?

Sean left for NS yesterday (Singapore army). :-( We’ve been listening to him rant and rave on IRC about various ways of crippling himself to prevent duty…for months upon months now, and during his last hours around, he seemed to have come to grips with it. His normally depressive ranting had turned into what seemed like calm acceptance, which was both relieving and unnerving at the same time. All of us knew the time was coming and it was unavoidable, but it came up so fast.

The channel just seems to me to have a weird fogginess hovering over it…it’s just not the same without him there. I fucking miss him! ;_; I mean, it’s not even been a full day since he left and I feel this odd emptiness without him. I ran some channel statistics on my logs from July 1 to yesterday and discovered he had typed a good 3000 more lines than the next person (which was me). He’s there almost all his waking moments, jabbering on about “fuck this” and “I have no love for…” and “coconut monkey” and “fuck those ___(insert anything here)”. His angst was just so….endearing. I can’t really explain why it was. I mean, normally angsty people get on my nerves like you wouldn’t believe; in fact, there are some people in the channel who really incense me.

But Sean…what can I say about him? I mean, it’s beyond words really. Sean is unquestionably one of the most talented artists I’ve ever known. His style is incredibly distinct and original…it’s gritty and dark yet infused with an incredible sensuality that makes me feel almost guilty for finding it so attractive (much the same type of feeling I get from Giger’s work, though the two have very different styles and subject matters). There is real passion and life behind it in a way that is contradictory to its mood (upon first glance.) I mean, the guy draws Goth Lolis holding bloody knives and teddy bears, looking half-dead yet with fire behind their eyes. When I think of the song “Living Dead Girl” I think of his art.

Besides being such a talented artist, Sean is incredibly passionate, and is a genuine person. He can’t help being who he is, and he doesn’t make a bit of effort to be what others expect him to be, and I truly respect that. But poor Sean has been struck with perpetually bad luck, and he does not get the respect and credit he so rightfully deserves.

I once helped Sean by voice-ing a character in one of his animation projects. It wasn’t really that big a deal for me…all I had to do was read a couple lines into my microphone and voila…but it really was a big deal to him. The animation itself was, of course, incredibly well-done…but I was strangely amused that Sean got so many compliments about having a real voice actor in his project rather than simply using a computer-generated voice. The fact that I got to be a part of that was really special to me. (Of course he sped up my voice to up the pitch in order to make the character sound “cuter”, but hey. :-D )

It wasn’t, however, until this morning that I realized just how much I was going to miss him. I mean…I literally spend hours talking to him each day…and now he’s gone. I’m not sure he’s comfortable hearing things like this, but I really have grown to love him in such a way that I would never want anything bad to happen to him, *ever*. In a way that I’d defend him at the expense of my own dignity in order to keep others from badmouthing him, that I’d pummel the shit out of anyone who teased him unnecessarily for things out of his control. If I’d had the money or power, I would have done anything to keep him from having to serve in the army (being that he was so much against it he threatened self-inflicted injury) but it’s probably for the best, as it is not only a requirement for being male in Singapore, but it will be an important life experience for him. Sean, the poor, tortured, sensitive, beautiful soul.

But it’s not forever. Only three weeks of training, then he’ll be back once a week for the next three years. So he’ll be here to lavish us all with angst and self-pity and rage, if only in small doses. Hachi has considered making a SeanBot for the channel so we’ll be able to experience him even when he’s not here. I’m totally for that idea. If he can’t be here himself, at least he’ll be here in spirit.

So Sean, I know you can’t read this right now, but I hope you know that I miss you and am thinking of you lots. I love you. :-)

I’m Hearing: my coworker breathing (annoyingly)

*sigh* As far as reading Bridget Jones is concerned, I have to say that’s it’s been nothing but destructive literature. Really, the only reason I’m reading it in the first place is because Mark Darcy is a prominent character and I’m addicted to reading about him. But I cannot stand Bridget herself. She embodies everything I hate about myself and it’s extremely painful and annoying to read about a woman who has unbelievably low self-esteem when she has no cause to. In any case, I’ve finished the first book and am halfway through the second. Despite how much I dislike her, I keep reading it anyhow, and it makes me feel really sad and lonely.

I’ve been single for quite awhile now and of course I’m used to it, but it doesn’t stop me from being sad a lot of the time. Especially when I see depictions of people (or real people for that matter) who have someone to love. And the part that you may not imagine is this: I am not lonely because I’m desperate for someone to love me…no. That’s not it. I’m lonley because I don’t have someone to love. More than anything I want to have someone to adore, someone who will not be frightened by my overwhelmingly strong emotions and will instead accept and cherish what I have to offer. It seems almost a waste to have me overflowing with emotion and have nowhere to go with it but into tears. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a good cry, but I’m nearing the point where it’s going to become inevitable.

Meh. Just feeling really low today. I had a rather meaningful conversation this morning with Aussie Will which I enjoyed quite a bit…it’s always a comfort to observe that not everyone runs from me when they see how much of a handful I am emotionally. If nothing else, I do have a well-founded fear of driving people away by showing them too much of who I really am. A lot of the time I really need to be careful.

I guess one of the reasons I’m so bothered right now is I’ve suddenly realized that the end of one chapter of my life is nearly over, and I’m going to have to contend with a huge number of changes within the next three months. Last week as I was sitting at work reality started nosing its way in. It was a day where I had to work both jobs, and just as I set out for job 2, I began to think…in three month’s time, what will I do with myself? I won’t be able to keep either of my jobs because I’m an intern affiliated with my university, and therefore can only work while I’m a student. I’ll have to go out and pimp my portfolio as I search for a real job. It was then that I started to get a bit nervous, because my portfolio is nowhere near ready to be shown in that capacity, and I only have three months to get it up to those standards (even if it doesn’t make it as high as my own standards). In the end, I decided that in order to devote enough time
and effort into the portfolio, I was going to have to quit one of my jobs. So for the sake of convenience more than anything else, I decided to leave the job that I have to drive to (other job is within 10 minutes walking distance). Once school starts up again I’m hoping to perhaps do lab monitoring so I can have a little extra money to survive.

So anyhow…the angst mostly lies in the idea of me graduating in December and having to move on and do something with myself that doesn’t involve school. Like most people my age, I’ve been in school for 17 years now. That’s over 75% of my life. It’s going to be really hard to deal with a change as major as having no school to worry about anymore. Then add on the pressure of having to find a job, a new place to live…and having to do all of this by myself. Frankly, I’m terrified. Change itself is scary enough, but something as major as having to uproot my whole life and start out fresh is probably the most severe form of change I’ve ever dealt with. But having to do it all alone…that makes it so much worse.

One thing I truly admire in other people is courage. I have an amazing amount of respect for my friend Rosey who left her life behind to go to school in Australia (and to be with Jules)…I don’t think I’d ever be that brave. Yes, I’ve had my share of “ballsy” moments, but mostly I am just scared. Fear holds me back a lot, and I don’t like that one bit.

When I’m in a mood like this, it’s difficult not to sit here and think horrible thoughts about myself, highlighting all my major flaws until I become indistinguishable from a real lowlife. Thinking these things is not in any way constructive, and although many of these thoughts may stem from truths, I realize I’m not a generally bad person, and I’m being too hard on myself. There is probably a good reason why I’m still alone that has nothing to do with me being vile and disgusting. (though that’s a matter of opinion, of course) Simply the fact that there really are very few types of people I’m actually attracted to realistically implies that there are very few people who would even be the slightest bit interested in me (which I know is true). And the types that I’m interested in are not the types who frequently go out to meet people…so meeting someone will have to be some chance encounter.

Ugh, I hate seeing myself this pathetic. I’m quite aware how this looks and sounds, and while part of me enjoys wallowing in misery (because it gives me a chance to feel something rather than having my emotions building up without a place to go) another part of me sees how unbecoming it is. :-(

When I get depressed I feel even less like eating than I normally do, which is no way, shape, or form a good thing. Even though I’m hungry, I have no appetite whatsoever. I’m not one of those types of women to reach for “comfort food” when they get sad. :\ Not sure what’s worse: eating too much or too little.

I really feel like talking to someone right now, but everyone is either busy or asleep. Meh. No good.

I’m starving but can’t eat.

Sad.

I’m Hearing: Mushroomhead - Too Much Nothing

Sheesh, my hormones are out of control. It’s very strange indeed…I mean…I do have a tendency to get a lot more weepy during these times but whoo, yesterday was a rollercoaster. I started out feeling extremely sad and lonely, near tears (which is never a good thing at work) then as the day progressed, I began to feel very frisky. Frisky beyond what’s usually in my character. I think I may have frightened some people. Anyhow, I solved the problem by watching several extremely girlie chick flicks (can’t ignore my feminine nature all the time, can I?) I was rather frustrated though, as all I wanted was to have someone to kiss. :\

I’m quickly realizing how hot Colin Firth is. It’s mostly Mark Darcy, the character he played in Bridget Jones’s Diary that’s so attractive (since I’ve never seen him in anything else)…and this is undoubtably enhanced by my hormonal levels at the moment, but OMG. I don’t care too much for the character of Bridget herself, as I find her quite irritating and embarrassing to watch, but I’ve watched that movie several times since the other night so I could study him more. :-) Heh. :D~~

I really haven’t been doing much else. Just trying to keep my emotions in check has been exhausting enough. >_< All I have to say is thank god this is only four days out of the month, or I’d be certifiably insane in no time.

I know I often speak of not being a typical female a lot, but it’s something that I think about a great deal. As much as I prefer myself this way, I must admit that it is strangely comforting to find facets of myself that are governed by nature rather than just attitude and environment. Just knowing that there are certain things I have no control over, such as my cycle and everything that accompanies that (including mood swings, cramps, whatever) reminds me that I am, in fact, a woman. Being able to enjoy chick flicks and perhaps even get weepy over them is a charming little part of myself that doesn’t get out much anymore, and I’m sure many people would find that amusing or perhaps just surprising.

Yes, most everything in my life centers around things not necessarily focused on the feminine nature, but it is important to me that my girlie side does not completely get ignored. Despite having no desire to have children, I still have a strong maternal instinct. I always try to help others, to make them feel comfortable and cared for. I enjoy doing things for other people, and nothing makes me happier than seeing people close to me happy, especially if it’s because of something I did or said. As I’ve said many times, I really believe my purpose in life is to love. Everything that means anything to me is centered around love. I could not fathom living out a hollow and meaningless existence devoid of companionship…if I can’t have people around me to love and be loved by, I might as well not be here. That’s how important friendship is to me.

I don’t often worry about coming off as "unfeminine" because in many cases I don’t see that as being advantageous…in many cases that word is equated with weakness or vulnerability…it does have a certain stigma attached to it…a lot of times the word "feminine" conjures up images of a woman as a sex object and nothing more. I can’t imagine thinking of myself in this manner, let alone having anyone else think of me that way, because it doesn’t seem right to me. I’m aware that many guys are not attracted to women who aren’t feminine, but I’m also aware that not everyone’s tastes are the same. I could never be with someone who expected me to dress in skirts with shoes that pinch the hell out of my toes. I would be miserable, and let’s face it, the guy would be sorely disappointed.

I do wonder though, where the line is between not wearing skirts and being a full-out tomboy. (Tomboy in this case not necessarily meaning "butch") Is it dressing in mens’ clothing, running around climbing trees, playing only with the boys, cutting your hair short (behavior) or is it attitude? I mean yeah, a lot of those behaviors describe me, but there is a lot about me that is decidedly feminine. I’m very picky about my hair, I spend a lot of time and money keeping it clean and healthy…I spend a lot of time in the bathroom getting ready…I pluck my eyebrows every other week, shave my legs *every day*…I know lots of women who don’t even do *that much*…god, I’m really complex. I just defy categorization…not that it’s a bad thing, but it sure does confuse people (myself included).

*sigh*

Well, I had considered going on some more about all my neuroses, but I’m actually finding myself at a loss for words in that regard. Wow.

I’m Hearing: Silent Hill 3 - Breeze in Monochrome Night

Interesting weekend. After spending several days last week looking for Silent Hill 3, I finally got it on Thursday night. After shopping that night, Brian and I went over to my parents’ house so I could help my brother set up some new hardware in his computer. Well, that didn’t go so smoothly and I ended up wasting a huge chunk of time over there. In the end, I couldn’t solve the problem there, so I took the computer and all the parts with me to my place. I played Silent Hill 3 for about an hour or so before I went to bed. When I got up the next morning I decided that fixing the computer was going to be an all day project so I took the day off of work and worked on that thing all freaking day long. XD It wasn’t really that bad, since I knew just what I was doing and what to expect (generally speaking)…it was mostly a matter of waiting for things to download and/or install. I watched several episodes of Farscape while I got his compy back in working condition. He seemed rather pleased that it was working smoothly, so it was worth all the time and effort. My family brought pizza over for supper and we ate at my place. Then later on hachi and jetfuel (Will) and Brian came over and we played some mean DDR. Will worked on “Candy” until he got a AA rating, which I happened to miss because I was in my room playing Silent Hill 3. Both Jon and Will tried out the trance vibrator for Rez, which I must admit, is rather cool. We went to IHOP at something like 3 in the morning, then went our separate ways for the day.

I slept in a bit on Saturday then started in on Silent Hill 3. I played till late afternoon, then I showered and got ready for the art show. Sometime after 7 Brian showed up, after which Will arrived, and later on, Jon. So we headed over to see my painting in the gallery. It was in a very nice location, and low enough to the ground that I could actually be photographed in front of it. :-D There were some really really amazing pieces in the show and also some pretty lame and boring, if not downright crappy ones. Ah well. The turnout was fantastic, there were tons of people there and there was free food and live entertainment. I didn’t really see anyone I knew aside from the guys I came with and my relatives, but there were a lot of pieces in the show that belonged to people I know. One thing I noticed rather consistently throughout was that some pieces had astronomically high prices on them, which judging by my taste and opinion, were not deserving of such a price. Others, however, which literally made my jaw drop, were priced far lower than I would expect. So in many cases, the pieces that I viewed as crappy had artists who were full of themselves whereas the more amazing pieces had humble artists who didn’t charge nearly what their work was worth.

There was free beer there, so I helped myself, and got a little tipsy because I hadn’t eaten yet. I got a free t-shirt on my way out the door. :-D After that, I had the guys take me home so I could change into some more comfortable clothes, and we ended up eating at Mancino’s, which was nummy. Then we went back to my apartment and disassembled my old DDR pad and began to mount it on plywood while we watched some X-Files episodes. After that the guys got really into playing Guilty Gear XX so I ended up back in my room playing more Silent Hill 3. (GGXX makes my eyes glaze over after about 10 minutes of watching…guh, so repetitive). Brian left at a reasonable time, but hachi and Will were there until somewhere around 5 am. Both guys ended up getting ticketed for having their cars out in the street, which I felt really bad about. Usually I remember to tell people to pull up into the driveway before 2 AM, but I was really caught up in that game. ^^;;;

Then Sunday…what a horrible adventure. It started off okay, but something happened in the afternoon that basically put a stop to everything I had planned. Erin and I went rollerblading in the park in the early afternoon, which felt great. I haven’t been blading for over a month, pretty much since I got DDR. Anyhow, I got back and I was starting to get some fairly nasty menstrual cramps (you men are so damned lucky you don’t have to deal with this shit). So I decided I’d try out this heat therapy pad thing that I got free with something I bought. (These are meant to soothe cramped muscles and relieve tension through chemical heating…they are these pads that get attached to the inside of your clothing and rest against your skin) The package said to allow about 30 minutes for the pad to warm, so I sat there waiting a bit. After about 10 minutes, I got extremely sick to my stomach, got really warm but had a cold sweat going, and got so lightheaded I couldn’t tell whether I was going to pass out or throw up. I immediately ran to the bathroom and took that thing off and just sat there, scared shitless. Eventually I stopped sweating and was able to get back into my bedroom to lay down. I was in pain for a good while before I was able to relax. I was supposed to stop home and get my laundry and mail, but I didn’t want to drive in that condition so I got in contact with my mom and asked her to drop that stuff off for me. So I slept for about and hour and I woke up feeling muuuuuch better. Mom and Dad showed up not too much later and took me out for frozen custard. :-) So it wasn’t too bad in the end.

I played Silent Hill 3 until about 10:30 PM, when I beat it for the first time. It took about 8 hours and 7 minutes total…which included all the wandering around and watching all the videos. I got a lightsaber and a new outfit for Heather for finishing, which are added into the new game if you start again. It’s so much fun sabering the psycho dogs…and the saber lights up the room quite well, which can be very handy in really dark areas. :-D

So, overall impressions of the game. I admit up front that I have been literally waiting months for this game to come out, and because I enjoyed the previous two games so much, I had extremely high expectations for this one. I’d been hearing so much about it since it was released in Europe a couple months ago, and my anticipation was pretty high. In general, the game exceeded every expectation I had. The storyline was very engaging, the puzzles were tricky but not impossible, and the audio and video were seamlessly interwoven and of such dark, dirty, death-infested desolation…the environments were so ghastly they were undeniably beautiful. The one thing that SH always does fantastic on is environment; I doubt you’ll ever find someone who will go against that. The monsters themselves weren’t really that scary this time for some reason. The rabid dogs and the faceless nurses made the most horrific sounds when they died that it made me cringe at times, but nothing really scared me (the way things did in the original Silent Hill anyhow). I was most scared when I nearly fell down a hole at one point! As usual, I relied on the maps like crazy (I’m just horrible with navigation!!) and of course there were some areas where there were no maps (this was the most annoying part of the game for me!) but that made it more challenging.

It had a few inside jokes that appeared because I had a Silent Hill 2 saved game on my memory card, which amused me a great deal, but I wish there had been more. The connections between the characters and locations in this game and those in the first game were excellent, and gave the storyline of both a lot more texture and depth. I genuinely believe one couldn’t fully enjoy this game unless you’d played the first two (if not the second, then definitely the first). Each game had something the others didn’t…Silent Hill was scary as hell…my heart was pounding at times. The graphics were not that great, but that made it even scarier because things were not easy to see or distinguish. Silent Hill 2 was more plot-driven and heartbreaking, and the feeling of isolation was even more present. Silent Hill 3 brought those two things together, and with its much-improved graphics, it just blew the others away in its own right. I played the game happily from beginning to end…with only a few moments of frustration and desperation, but the game wouldn’t have been as fun if it were all easy. :-) It was worth the wait….the game was bloody fantastic. I am excited to work on my second pass through the game. Also…the game came with the full soundtrack as a free bonus…YES! It took me forever to hunt down the soundracks for the first two games, so it’s a very welcome addition to my music collection.

Big Brian (roomie) watched me play for about 45 minutes before he passed out on my couch, so he missed the ending. Oh well. When Erin got home from work she and I watched Bridget Jones’s Diary which was good…better than I expected. We had to watch it with subtitles on because the British accents were almost too much to decipher that late at night.

A pretty damned full weekend, full of great, good, and not-so-wonderful things. Not too many left before school starts again.

I’m Hearing: Dj Xaero - Pleasure 10.22.01

Was a pretty fun weekend. I got my new DDR pad on Friday so we played for several hours. I couldn’t believe it when I opened up the package and looked at the instructions. Total Engrish. :-) We played even more on Saturday night despite how tired our legs were.

I spent most of Saturday on my couch either sleeping or crocheting. I made good use of my dual display capabilities from my video card and pumped out the Winamp visualization to my TV without disturbing what was happening on my monitor. :-D Dual displays rock, especially when they’re independent like that.

Sunday I went to my parents’ house for a bit before the guys and I went shopping in Appleton. Mom had torn a page out of the newspaper that had an article about the upcoming art show, and lo and behold, my painting was in the background. :-D :D A very pleasant surprise indeed.

All in all it was a fantastic weekend. Wish it was longer though, of course. Thinking about taking a full week off sometime before school starts up again just so I can have some rest. I know, I know…it’s summer and all, and I haven’t had classes for a couple months now, but I’ve also been working the whole time. It would be splendid to have a whole week where I could just be a bum. Awhile back I was talking to someone on IRC who didn’t have a summer job so he had been extremely lazy and had just slept all day and messed around on his computer all night…and hadn’t showered for three days! I can’t really conceive of not showering for that long but it would be so nice to do whatever I wanted and not worry about having to be anywhere at any particular time. I remember during spring break I took the week off from work, but it wasn’t like it was a “vacation” or anything because I was working on my school projects the whole time. The unfortunate thing is that I can’t afford to take time off right now because I’m still in the hole from buying that computer. >_<

*yawns*

I’m Hearing: Disturbed - Darkness

Wow, this song is surprising. It’s gentle, slow, and ballad-like…quite the opposite of what you might expect from Disturbed given lyrics like "Liberate your mind, you motherfucker, you’re so narrow-minded, so narrow-minded!!!" Heh.

What a week it’s been. I was gone Mon and Tues to the conference. Then Wednesday night Will (jetfuel) came to visit. We had some Chinese food then played DDR for hours. By the end of the night the up arrow on Jon’s pad was dead, and the left and X on mine were shot. So Jon decided it was time to hack apart his, and we rebuilt it from the ground up, mounting it on foam core. It is the most ghetto fabulous pad I’ve ever seen, but it works better than it ever did. We may hack mine to pieces tonight since my new Ignition 2.0 pad arrived today.

And in less exciting news…after that night of fun, I was ill yesterday. I wasn’t sick to my stomach or stuffed up or anything, mostly my body was just extremely weak. I was very light headed and only felt like sleeping. So I took the day off from work and slept most of the day. It was frustrating because I had a ton of stuff that I could have been doing. I did try to read for awhile, and also tried 3 different games, but I died in all of them, so it was no fun. Brian came over in the evening and we watched some Dead Zone and a bit of FLCL. I went to bed reasonably early after me and the roomies discussed how to pay our outrageously high energy bill. At any rate, I’m feeling about 200% better today but I’m still feeling a bit weak.

I guess that’s about it. Just….tired. This weekend could not have arrived soon enough. Next weekend is going to be a big one: Silent Hill 3 comes out, and the art show opens. Whee.