I’m Hearing: Chevelle - Grab Thy Hand
Hardware is not being nice to me lately…in fact, I think my presence alone is causing premature death for a lot of my stuff… :\ So I’m sitting there on Wednesday night listening to streaming audio and chatting on the mac and suddenly….poof, no internet connection. After a lot of putzing, I discovered that port 3 on my router was busticated. So…lovely. I have to take that back tonight and see if I can get it exchanged.
Went rollerblading again last night…the wind was pretty strong coming off the lake so it was work just to keep moving. Still fun though. :-D
My roomie Erin had never seen The Silence of the Lambs even though she’d seen Hannibal and Red Dragon, so last night we watched that while I crocheted. My arm/wrist is aching but it just makes me want to do it more. I continue to have that nerve twitch in my hand that makes my middle finger twitch uncontrollably every once in awhile. I should prolly give it a rest but I love making things so much that it’s hard to just sit still.
Just realized last night that I’ve been "blahg-ing" for a year now. Sheesh, this was the fastest year of my life…so much has happened. I only remember this because hachi just got back from YAPC (a perl conference) and I can recall writing about that last year at this time. I should go back and reread what I was thinking about at this time last year, even though it seems like only a couple months ago (I’m guessing it was a lot about Moulin Rouge as that was the obsession of that summer)…It went by so fast….I wonder if the rest of my life will keep going at this speed. :o
So yesterday Ross asked me what I’ve been thinking lately. Really, it’s been mostly rollerblading and the parts for my new computer. Everything else in my life seems to be in place for the most part and thus does not cause me undue worry and concern. Last night as I sat in my room I realized that I was pretty comfortable where I was. The apartment is finally starting to look like a real home (I really should take some pictures!) and most of my stuff is organized. Plus, there are people around almost all the time so I don’t feel as lonely or cut off from the world as I did right after the semester ended. I’m rather happy at the moment, with the exception of the hassles I’ve been dealing with regarding computer hardware.
I also made a comment to Aussie Will the other day about my room that I hadn’t really considered before: if someone were to enter the room, the only indication that a female lives there would be panties and bras in the underwear drawer and washbasket. Otherwise, most of the clothes are mens’ (or unisex, I suppose), there are computers and various electronics everywhere, not to mention the posters on my wall (Giger)…lots of black and gray. I have never considered myself and overtly feminine person (in a girly way anyhow) but I’m not really overtly tomboyish either. I mean, there are lots of things that are typically girly about me, such as having long shiny hair, occasionally painting my nails, having lots of shoes, shopping, shrieking when I see spiders and other crawly-type bugs…but most other typical female stuff just turns me off. One thing I wonder sometimes is whether anyone would ever mistake me for a lesbian because of my more "masculine" tastes, but I’ve come to the conclusion that they probably wouldn’t given the fact that it’s obvious how much I love guys. :3 I am almost always surrounded by one or more guys and rarely ever in the presence of even another female. It’s not that I don’t like other girls…it’s just that I hardly ever find I have anything in common with most of them, so conversations are usually shallow, superficial, and short-lived (which, in my opinion, is a total waste of time and breath since I don’t talk very much in the first place). There are times, however, that I’ll be talking about something geek-related to my roomies and they’ll be giving me this weird look like "I have no clue what you’re saying but it must be interesting since you’re going on about it this much…" <shrug> It would be so cool to meet a guy who came into my room, saw the stuff I have and watch his eyes boggle out that there was a girl who liked that type of stuff. I want to be a pleasant surprise to someone one day rather than only a weirdo. I want to make someone say "Holy shit!" in an exclamation of wonder and appreciation rather than "what’s the matter with this chick?"
I really don’t have doubts that this will happen one day. I mean, with the number of guys out there with similar tastes to mine, by percentages alone, there’s bound to be someone who will appreciate them and not be threatened by them. :\ I think sometimes I unintentionally scare people by being me…and I really do feel bad about that at times. Yes, undoubtably I don’t want to be alone, so scaring people off is a big fear of mine. I think the only thing that scares me more than scaring people away is fire, but that’s another matter altogether. :o But in all seriousness, I have scared off so many people by being me that I tend to wonder if there’s something wrong with my behavior (even though I fully realize there isn’t.) It’s not unusual for people to not "get" me…hell, I don’t "get" me most of the time…but it takes a pretty special person to put up with me for any length of time. Close friends have told me that if they were to describe me using only one word, it would be "‘Anny’, cos anyone who’s important will know exactly what that means." And really, that’s the only person I know how to be. (For the uninitiated, I don’t normally go by "Anny" or "Annie" or anything other than Ann–though I also respond to "Fox"–but Jules once spelled my name that way and it sort of became this thing on IRC, and now most people there call me by that name.)
I guess in the end, I’m going to end up scaring people off because they won’t/can’t understand me or are too nervous to even try. I’m really not a scary person, in fact if you know anything about me at all, you know that I’m very easy to approach and will usually do everything I can to help people if they have a problem. Perhaps the fact that I’m rather quiet and keep mostly to myself in social situations gives people the impression that I’m angry or stuck-up or something like that, so they don’t realize that I’m just introverted around people I don’t know well. I do find it funny at times when someone introduces me as an artist and the other person will go "ohhhhhhh….." as if some kind of realization has dawned on him, as if my behaviour is "excusable" or just "makes sense" because artists aren’t supposed to act "normal." <shrug> Observing the psychology of other people is interesting if not downright entertaining.
I got a shirt a couple of weeks ago from Hot Topic (you must pronounce the name of this store the way Dr. Evil says "Hot Pocket") that says "People too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage others." How often I’ve witnessed this in my own life…it’s sad really.
