I’m Hearing: a random ambient Shoutcast stream

Damn, hachi’s server is down again…guess I’ll have to post this later on when it comes back up.

Well…as it turns out…I not only passed my design class but actually got an AB in it. With the exception of one person, I think everyone got that grade, which is not only suprising but strangely comforting. Appropriately enough, we all discovered this fact on Saturday when we got together for a party in honor of all the strife we encountered throughout the semester, which only added to the excitement of the day. Heh. It was great…drank beer all afternoon and we even had live entertainment…Ben’s elderly neighbor came over and “played” his accordion for us. Wowza. Then we smashed the hell out of an old fax machine and a 13″ monitor with a baseball bat, Office Space style. :-)

My computer is still doing odd things…I installed a motherboard monitoring program so I could watch the temperature of the CPU…it was hanging out around 90° F which seemed a little high so I had Brian bring over his thermal compound… Well…it didn’t go so smoothly and Jon ended up coming over and helping to “fix” the problem…in the end he ended up rigging up an 80mm fan to the heatsink with twist-ties, and the processor was holding steady at about 95° F. So I ordered a new heatsink and fan…hopefully that’ll do a better job of keeping things at a reasonable temp.

Went to Perkins with Dave 2 nights (well, early mornings, to be more precise) in a row now…shall we make it 3? :-) Heh.

Oh yeah, basically the one thing that’s been sucking up my time lately is Legaia 2…been playing that for hours on end. It’s a very typical menu-based RPG and quite addicting. I’m about 16 hours into it now…no idea how long it’s supposed to take.

I’m Hearing: Vonray – Hole

Vonray has a great album…enjoying it a lot. I’ve been listening to that CD a lot recently, in addition to Chevelle (Wonder What’s Next), StainD (14 Shades of Grey), and The Matrix Reloaded. Lots of fantastic music. Just got ahold of Deftones so I’m sure that’ll be part of my playlist quite a bit in the next while. I’m just plain addicted to the Chevelle album though, wow.

I’ve been feeling a little sick this week. At first it was an upset stomach which lasted on and off from Friday night till last night, but now I’m sneezing and coughing more than usual. Hmm. Plus I’m tired…not so much of a "lack of sleep" tired, but just physically exhausted. Been getting back into exercise again, which rocks. I really do love being active when I have energy to do so. :-) Did some tae bo, plus Brian and I have been rollerblading in the park. Brian’s blades aren’t as well-constructed as mine or something, or else he has crappy bearings because he really has to work (and I mean work) to keep up with mine. I still have trouble stopping, even after all the years I’ve had blades. So yeah…I can move rather quickly, I’m just more likely to end up in a heap in the street when I come to an intersection. >_<

The last couple days have been okay, at least better than the greater portion of the weekend. I’ve been watching movies, crocheting, and gaming. I rediscovered the joys of Diablo II again after I reinstalled it…oy, all the hours I’ve lost to that horrible wonderful stupidly addictive game!!! That may very well be my favorite game of all time. Yes, the Silent Hill games hold a special place in my heart, but DII is in a league all of its own. I’ve also been messing around with Dungeon Siege again as well, which is a nice break from the insane amount of clicking required to play Diablo II. That, combined with crocheting and tae bo have stiffened up my right arm something awful. But I enjoy every second of those things so it’s more than worth it.

Went up to the painting room last night and Brian helped me carry down my massive amount of supplies. All my canvases are still up there yet…not sure when I’ll be able to get those since the rooms are locked at night. The 4′x7′ canvas certainly won’t fit in my car, though I possibly could fit the others in there. Maybe I’ll drive over there this afternoon and see. While I was cleaning out my paint cart I leaned over my palette and caught a whiff of the paint that had "grown skin" and just about fainted…it smelled sooooo good. Linseed oil…mmmm. In case you don’t know what that means…oil paint doesn’t just harden like acrylic paint…when it’s been sitting out for longer than a couple days, the outside forms a light "skin" that’s soft and pliable (but dry) which you can peel away to get at the paint underneath. The paint under the skin is about the same consistency of paint freshly squeezed from the tube, so you can continue to use it. This is quite handy for mixed colours…err, colors (been talking to artists from outside the US a lot lately…) so you can mix up a shitload of paint and not worry about it drying or hardening if you don’t use it all up right away. One of the many things that make oils so versatile as a medium.

Hmm, I wonder…does anyone ever read this stuff when I go into technical details about art processes? I mean…they’re quite important to me, and a large part of my life, but are they of any interest to anyone else? It’s mostly a matter of curiosity on my part. Anyhow…a lot of this stuff I talk about happens to be things I’ve discovered on my own while working…all these things about process and materials have never been taught to me so for all I know I have it all wrong.

One of the things I had hoped to learn when I got into high school art classes was how to properly prepare an oil painting both before and after. I was actually taught how to build a canvas frame, how to properly stretch and prime the canvas, but was never taught about care for the painting after it is finished. Personally, I like my surfaces to have a glossy sheen to them…varnish brings out a brilliancy to the color that isn’t normally there when it’s absent. But until I finished my Avatar piece, I was never told why you’re supposed to wait 6 months before applying the final varnish to the top of the work. Gah. Apparently it takes 6 months to a year for oil paint to fully dry and cure, so if you varnish it before then, the varnish chemically bonds to the paint (thus becoming part of it) rather than just "floating" on top of the paint the way it would if it were dry.

You might wonder what difference this makes. Well, in your lifetime, it wouldn’t make any difference at all. But for archival purposes…when art restorers clean old paintings, they take off part of the top layer of whatever is there, so if the varnish has bonded to the paint, part of the top coat of paint will come off with it. <shrugs> I guess in that respect it’s a matter of preference…whether you care about the longevity of your work or not. I know quite a few people who don’t based on the type of materials they work with…some choose to use oil paint on raw (unprimed) canvas…this is a "bad" idea if you plan on keeping your work intact over time, as oil paint will rot an unprimed canvas.

So in the end, what I mean to say is…I really wish I knew more about the technical aspects of oil painting. Pretty much everything I do is based on instinct and experience rather than knowledge. I wish they’d fucking teach us something rather than just chide us after making "mistakes"…or perhaps the teachers themselves don’t know a whole lot about it… I want to learn about brushes and mediums and whatnot…at least more than I know now, so it’s looking like I’ll have to research this on my own. At least with computers and technology there are enough people and resources around to be able to help you out when you’re unsure. This is something different entirely.

Hmm, enough babble about that. Most people who read this prolly skimmed over it anyhow.

So anyhow…

Yeah.

I think jetfuel is coming down to visit tonight. Sweet.

I’m Hearing: BT – Nocturnal Transmission

This weekend mostly sucked, but there were some good parts. The main reason I didn’t have a very good time was that I got into that horrible end of semester funk that I always experience. I go from having too much to do with no time to myself to suddenly being able to do whatever I want when I want, and basically my mind and body have a hard time adjusting to that. They’re like "What the fuck, shouldn’t you be over at the computer lab right now?" I end up staring off into space for hours on end, trying to decide what to do. I may try several different activities but usually nothing is able to hold my interest for more than 5 minutes at a time. I spend a good chunk of this time wondering what is wrong with myself…why can’t I enjoy my free time? It’s simply shock…I’m going from one extreme to another, and this change is so dramatic I need time to adjust. It typically takes anywhere from 1-3 days to get over this feeling, after which I’m just fine. But this basically made my weekend hellish, at least the first part of it.

One of my buddies from the computer science club was having a birthday party on Friday night, and I wasn’t invited to it although all my friends were. <sigh> So they all went out and I sat at home staring at my DVD rack, then my computer screen, then back to my DVD rack, to my blank TV screen, to the DVD rack…this went on for about 5 hours. Since everyone was out, there was no one online, so I complained about being lonely to a basically empty channel, then sat on my couch and felt really bad about myself for awhile. I tried watching a couple X-Files episodes but quickly lost interest, then I tried crocheting but fucked up the piece I was working on and gave up in frustration. I tried playing a PS2 game but got nowhere in it so I gave up again. I spent the next couple hours staring at my monitor hoping someone, anyone, would come online so I’d have someone to talk to, but alas, no one. It sucked ass. I felt really pathetic.

But then a drunken Dave called and he, Jon, and I ended up going to Perkins for some chow at about 2 AM. They came over for awhile after that and watched some X-Files then they went home. I slept for 12 hours, then got up and showered. Went home for supper, and my brother was home from Madison, so I helped my parents network their computers together. After that I came back to my dorm and napped for a bit, then sat there staring into space again. I put the two seemingly good dimms back in my computer and reassembled the case (a bold move considering I don’t know for sure the RAM was the cause of the freezing problem) and installed some of my computer games. Eventually Brian and Jon came over. We ordered a pizza, then sat around and watched…um…hmm…can’t remember. Oh, it must have been an X-Files episode. Then they left. I putzed around on my computer for awhile, then went to bed sometime around 4 AM.

Brian woke me up this morning with a phone call…actually it was noon at that point, but oh well. Eventually he, Jon, and I went shopping to Best Buy, then to some other random places. We spent a good amount of time in fricken Wal-Mart going through a horribly cryptic wedding gift registry list for some friends getting married next month. Note to anyone who’s planning on registering at Wal-Mart: DON’T DO IT. It’s so confusing. >_< We eventually found some items but it was a challenge.

We went rollerblading in the park for awhile and Brian got so sweaty he wanted to stop home and take a shower. So while he was at home, Jon and I went on a quest to get Brian’s car (which he had left at Jon’s house). So Jon ended up driving Brian’s car back to Brian’s place and I drove Jon’s car. Heh. We went to Culver’s for supper, which was yummy. The guys came over and we watched…more X-Files. Wow, I guess I watched more of that show this weekend than I realized. Anyhow, they eventually left…I sat on my couch and watched Don’t Say a Word while crocheting. I didn’t fuck up this time, which was nice, but my arm is absolutely aching right now.

I’m not really that tired at the moment, but I know I’ll have to go to bed soonish since I have work in the morning. Not sure what time I’m going to go in yet…but I’ll have to go in at a decent hour anyhow. The feeling of boredom and guilt-ridden angst due to the semester being over has begun to subside, but I’m feeling more lonely than ever now. I’m so accustomed to always being around people and having people to talk to that when I’m basically forced to be alone, it just feels wrong. During the semester when I was alone, I was too busy to think about it so I hardly even noticed. But now that there’s nothing else to hold my attention it’s become quite apparent that I’m something of a recluse. I just don’t know what to do with myself when I don’t have people around. Once again, this is something that dissipates once I get used to it being summer, but for now it’s just horrible.

It isn’t just the fact that I don’t have someone to be physically close to…it’s the absence of an emotional connection right now that most bothers me because my emotions are in upheaval right now. Everyone just seems to be…gone, off doing other things. I should be too, but I’m stuck. I have so much love inside me, but there’s no outlet. I almost feel a slight resentment that there’s no one there to shower with my love, like it’s going to waste being trapped inside me. I care deeply about so many people but these days they’re hard to get ahold of. People are so busy, and now that I have time to spend with them, I’m all by myself. It makes me feel kind of worthless, which is never a good thing. Ugh, I hate sounding like this…sounds quite pathetic and makes me look weak…but it’s how I’m feeling right now. It’s times like these that a seed of doubt begins to creep into my mind…that maybe I’ll be alone forever. A large part of me almost believes this, but deep down I know that one day I’ll come across someone who won’t find me intolerable. Someone who will actually find all my eccentricities cute or amusing rather than annoying. Someone who will touch my cheek tenderly and look into my eyes with such pure love that I begin to cry, just as I am now.

I’m Hearing: Red Hot Chili Peppers – By the Way

Ahhhhhhhhhhh. It’s officially over now! I feel fantastic at the moment even though I’m not feeling 100% great physically. Went out drinking last night (after having seen a late showing of The Matrix Reloaded on Wed night) so I’m running on a small amount of sleep.

So yesterday was my last official day of school. I had my one horrid design class in the evening. We all presented our stuff, then we got to leave rather early. So most of us went out drinking afterwards, and my god, that was just what I needed. Aside from worrying about not having any money while I was out, it was great. Hehe. Oh well, that’s part of being a college student.

Ah, but I’m in such a good mood now…I feel like I can be myself again…that I have the freedom to take on my own personality and habits and hobbies again without worrying about those things interfering with my ability to get all of my assigned tasks done in a timely fashion. Meh. Well, I’ll have a good 3 months to enjoy that before I go back to the same thing next semester. At least I’ll have most of my design classes out of the way and it’ll just be revising existing projects, but that’s not really any small task either. I’ll be busy anyhow.

Sheesh…I’m just kind of at a loss for things to say right now. I mean, I fought my way through this horrible semester (quite valiantly, if I do say so myself) and made it out the other end. I spent a lot of time worrying about possibly failing a class or not being able to get everything done…and these were legitimate concerns, but because I am no one other than Ann, I couldn’t let that happen (despite any amount of procrastination that occurred…but I always wait till the last minute for everything anyhow)… But what do I say now that it’s finally done? <shrugs> I’m at a loss.

I guess that could just be because the full impact of that has yet to hit me. I mean, I got up early and went into work this morning as usual, so I haven’t noticed anything different. The full weight of the situation won’t appear until I reach a moment where I can actually sit down and relax rather than having to go work on some project. Probably won’t notice until next Monday at the earliest.

Well, now I’m just rambling on about a bit of nothing. I suppose I shall stop here before this turns into a whole lot of nothing.

Yaaay, a weekend is upon us! :-D

I’m Hearing: Trapt – Headstrong

OH MY GOD!

I just got home from the IRC (Instructional Resources Center, my workplace) where I spent a good…oh…12 or 13 hours working on my graphics projects. The good news…I finished them!!!!! And it only took 2 Mountain Dew Amps (the Pepsi equivalent to Red Bull) to get me through! The projects actually turned out rather well, which pleases me a great deal after struggling for so long.

Last night I finished up three of my paintings so they’d be ready for tomorrow’s critique. Also very pleased with the results.

Frank
Frank’s Right Eye
Lich

Had my individual critique this morning for Typography 2. To my surprise, my professor asked me if I’d be interested in taking the job of lab technician for next year. This is a part-time salaried position with full benefits. I was like O___O!!! That would be really awesome. I mean, yeah, it’s a Mac lab, but I spend most of my life in there anyhow, and I know a great deal about how the computers are set up, so it would be perfect. Then I wouldn’t have to look for a real job right away after graduation too. :-)

The IRC is in the basement of the campus library, so my cell phone doesn’t get any reception down there. When I checked it last, the battery was nearly dead, so I simply turned it off. When I got home I had a message from Dave telling me The Matrix Reloaded was opening a day early, so I could see it opening night after all!! That was a fantastic surprise!!

God, I’m so wired. Wonder if I’ll sleep at ALL…

Not much left to worry about this week, which rocks. Painting critique tomorrow morning (well, noon-ish) and then my horrible Design 3 class for 4.5 hours on Thursday night. That’s it. Whew.

Still trying to determine what the fuck is wrong with my computer and why it freezes all the time. I’ve tried switching drivers, reinstalling windows, installing a new network card, and now I’m finally taking my ram out and putting it in dimm by dimm to see if that’s the problem. Does anyone have any idea what the problem could be? I’m quickly running out of options and it’s sooooo unbelievably frustrating. I’m so paranoid about it freezing now that I save everything every 2-3 minutes.

Not a whole lot else to mention at the moment. I think I may crochet for awhile, at least until I get a little sleepy, if I ever do. O_O

I’m Hearing: Chevelle – Closure

So freakishly tired….gee, what a surprise to no one. I got a little too comfortable last night when I was relaxing and my body treated that as a nice little nap so it refused to go to sleep even as I was falling out of my office chair. Oy, only one more week of this stuff and it’ll be over.

ONE WEEK!

It’s cold in here today…I wonder if they turned the air conditioning on for some reason. I have on a hooded sweatshirt over a sweater and I’m finally comfortable. Sooooo comfy I just want to curl up in a ball under my desk and take a nap.

I’ve got some picnic thing to go to this afternoon for work…wonder if it’ll still be raining then. All I want to do is nap on rainy days….and there have been a lot of those lately. The drunks came home from the bars last night in the rain, and they were quite obnoxious about it..yay. Got to listen to them making noise for a good half hour a little after 2 AM this morning.

Last night I spent a good chunk of time rubbing TR’s head with a flat piece of plastic because he said it felt really relaxing. I’m not sure why I just thought of that, but I did.

Lots to do this weekend…but now I have my car back so at least that’s one less thing to worry about. At least until it starts acting up again, which it’s bound to.

Why is it so freaking cold in this building????? I’m experiencing hands of ice and other things that happen to females when it gets cold…<ahem>

Ack, so hard to stay awake… =_= Sleeeeeeep would be sooo nice.

I’m Hearing: Smashing Pumpkins – Crestfallen

Well, made it through my penultimate 14-hour day in one piece, with relatively good spirits. This morning was my last real class for Typography and I finally got to turn in my monstrously huge ghetto binder. Luckily my professor just loved it, and he appreciated the fact that I took the time to tape the binders together instead of letting them all slide around. I was quite pleased with that outcome because I was sure he would either take on that attitude or else kick me out of class. I did have a bit of a panicky moment when I realized I hadn’t brought my final project in, but instead had brought my comprehensive version from last week. I had been smart when I transported the final version home after I printed it, and stuck it inside a nice big, thick hardcover book so it would be protected. I guess I protected it a little too well though, as I totally forgot it there. So after the critique I walked briskly to and from my room to bring it back to the art building. For future reference, it’s possible to walk there and back in 12-13 minutes, depending on which room I’m leaving or entering in the art building. I was quite sweaty after that unfortunately, but when I got home I hopped in the shower.

After the shower I took a nice long nap during which I had an anxiety dream about my mom having part of her right leg amputated. I woke up with a puddle of drool on my pillow and a giant crease down my face from a fold in the pillowcase. I went into work like that. Heh. Got a little bit accomplished, then went back home and had some supper.

I didn’t feel too bad going to my design class tonight because I’d actually made some progress with my logo design for that class. Also, the graduating seniors were having their graphics show reception tonight so I went down and talked to people for about an hour while gorging myself on their hors d’ouvres. hehe. The night went by rather quickly and my professor seemed to be in a pretty good mood so there wasn’t a whole lot of tearing apart of people’s projects occurring for once. She even left early tonight but for some reason I stayed for the full 4.5 hours, mainly just talking to classmates. The end is in sight!! I have a lot of work to get done for that class for next Thursday, but I think I’ll be able to handle it. I just have to stay focused this weekend and not get distracted by silly things.

Starting to feel a bit sleepy right now, which isn’t entirely a bad thing. I really do need sleep, as I’ve been staying up far too late for too long now…as much as my body tries to adjust and compensate for that fact, it never actually finds a balance, so I’m never feeling just right. Oh well, there’s only a week left now and I’ll be able to return to a normal sleep/shower/work/food/exercise/life schedule again. I’m soooooo looking forward to this, but I can guarantee that I will spend about 2-3 weeks staring blankly off into space, feeling like something is wrong, like I should be somewhere other than home (such as the computer lab). This happened last year (and during the semester break this year, though to a lesser extent because I was working so hard on my Avatar painting.) But once I get past that I’ll be able to do whatever I feel like when I get home from work, and things will be wonderful. It’ll also be weird living in a house off-campus, so that’ll take some getting used to as well. Lots of changes in the near future, yes. At least I won’t be bored.

I’m Hearing: The Matrix Reloaded – Juno Reactor Vs Don Davis – Burly Brawl

Another kind of nothing weekend. Slept a *lot*, hung out with guys, and that’s about it. My car is still fucked up, don’t have it back yet, no clue when I’ll get it back either…know for a fact that I won’t be able to afford the repairs either. :\

Went over to art building tonight to work on projects of course. I had a moment of panic where I thought to myself "My god, I’m so fucked…I’ll never be able to get all this shit done!!!" I rested my head on my arms on the table for awhile and breathed deeply until my heart stopped racing and then I took a little walk. When I came back, I tried something new in Quark and got an unexpected but wonderful result which totally livened up my project. Finally I started getting somewhere with it, and I felt a bit better. A thought then crossed my mind as I surveyed my work…"Well, maybe I don’t totally suck…" I started to think to myself how unbelievably ridiculous that idea was, that I seriously have come to the conclusion that my work is not just sub-par, but actually terrible. Prior to this semester I had a decent amount of confidence in my skills but the last 12 weeks have reversed that almost completely…and now I’m so freaking burnt out. How many times must I repeat that before I move on and do something about it? Well, I can’t…not till the semester is over…which it will be in 2 weeks.

At least I get to stay in the dorms for interim, which means I won’t have to move home, then move back into town within a month. That’s the only good news I’ve heard in awhile.

That’s really about all…not much else to share.

I’m Hearing: Evanescence – Bring Me To Life

Well, as it turns out, I was wrong about thinking I fixed the problem with my computer freezing. Damned thing did it again last night…after being up for 3 days. wtf? Grr.

Took my car in again this morning…leaking antifreeze among other things…sheesh…I really hope whatever the problem is doesn’t take too much to fix as I don’t have very much money at all and of course not a whole lot of time :\

Well, yesterday wasn’t totally sucky..I got a 2 hour nap mid-morning and had supper with a classmate so I actually got some food in my stomach.

So it’s May already. Time is going by so freakishly fast, which is good and bad. I have so much left to accomplish before school ends for the year I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it, but at the same time, it’s almost over! 2 weeks. That’s it.

One of my fellow painters had his senior exhibition this week. It was really exciting seeing his work up in the gallery properly hung and lit after seeing it in the cluttered studio for so long. I am astounded when I think about the amount of work he got done the last two semesters…I mean, it’s mind-boggling really. He works so fast. During the reception I talked to a bunch of people, and was a little curious by the number of people who were either surprised or disappointed that I wasn’t pursuing painting as a major. That kind of made me realize that perhaps I underestimate how people percieve my work…I know I’m doing the right thing by not going down the path of forcing myself to paint for a degree, but some part of me is still uneasy about the idea of not doing it.

I can picture what my senior show would be like…and I’m fairly confident that my work would draw enough interest that I wouldn’t remain a rather unknown entity. I guess I really can’t say I’m exactly unknown around the art department…I’ve been surprised more than once by someone who knew me (someone whom I didn’t know, or didn’t think knew me). It always makes me feel a little funny when people remember my work from previous classes and I can’t recall theirs. Sheesh, maybe part of me doesn’t want to be well-known. There’s a certain comfort that comes with relative anonymity. But I guess I’m just torn between that comfort and a drive to have my work acknowledged and appreciated. After all, if I never shared my work with others, it loses some of its magic. <sigh>

Oh yeah, I didn’t get the art scholarship I applied for awhile ago, and the odd thing is, I wasn’t too upset about it. Just kinda went "ehh" when I found out. It wasn’t really a great deal of money in the first place…perhaps I would have been more broken up about it if it’d been more. Or maybe I’ve just gotten so far beyond caring about stuff that I should. One word: apathy.

It’s not like I want to be apathetic…but…<deep sigh>

I’m just soooooooo exhausted in mind, body, and spirit. I’ve been able to stay relatively happy through all this…smiling, laughing, enjoying myself whenever possible…but I need rest so desperately. I’m considering taking a week off from work when school gets out so I can recouperate before I have to move into the apartment and get into the summer groove of things. Sure, I took a week "off" from work during spring break, but I spent EVERY FREAKING DAY working on my Shakespeare booklet. Not much of a break…I worked harder during that time than the previous week when I had class and work.

Jesus, I mean…I’m out of ideas, just thinking about having to think makes me exhausted. But when I think about what I’d be doing if I didn’t have to sit and come up with ideas for school and work projects, I’d be coming up with ideas for my own projects. So like I mentioned before about not enjoying design anymore, it’s totally context based. I love creating stuff for my own reasons, but I’ve grown tired of doing it for other people, namely teachers/bosses/etc.

<long, drawn-out sigh>

Tired, so damned tired. Please let this be over soon…