So I’ve done it. I’ve gone and fucked up another person’s life because of my neuroticism. I just don’t fucking know when to quit. FUUUUCK! Here was this guy–this wonderful, thoughtful, special guy who loved me to death and I had to ruin everything by being me. I fucking scared him off, just like I expected I would from the start. I thought, well maybe he’s different–he seemed that way but in the end it comes down to this same thing–I’m impossible to put up with. No one has the amount of patience required to deal with my fucked up brain. Absolutely nothing about my body, mind, or soul is normal by any stretch of the imagination. I’m basically a walking annoyance to everyone and everything I come in contact with–I probably would be better off if I simply hid from the world. Whenever I act like me, bad stuff happens to me and whoever I’m dealing with. I lose so many people because of my personality, which means no one I deal with is ever a true friend because they dump me once they discover how messed up I am. This is why I am destined to be alone. I will live the rest of my days alone and die alone and unloved. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!

I’m so ready to devote myself entirely to another person. There is absolutely nothing I want more than to be able to love another person with every bit of myself. That’s a FUCKING scary idea to other people I’m sure because it’s a very intense passion. The one person I love this entirely now no longer wishes to speak to me or anyone else for that matter and IT’S ALL MY FAULT. Why in the name of Christ do I do this? Why can’t I be temperate and mild-mannered like everyone else? Passion is as much of a curse as it is a blessing–there is so much god damned pain involved in love–I have ALWAYS felt that this is worth it if it means finding the one person who is perfect for me. In every single way, I felt he fit with me perfectly–HE DOES fit with me perfectly, and I don’t for one second believe he lied about anything he said to me…but I’ve fucked him up majorly. I mean–Christ–not only does he not want to have anything to do with me, but he’s shunning other people because of this shit.

Okay, I admit right now that there are some HUGE, and I mean life-alteringly HUGE issues that come along with the two of us being together–it boils down to the fact that one of us is going to have to give up EVERYTHING we have ever known in order to be with the other person. That is not to be dealt with lightly. That would cause confusion and fear in ANYONE. It scares me terribly; I have no hesitation about admitting that. I believe in the end it’ll work out somehow–whether we actually get together or not, he will someday talk to me again at least. But for now I have to deal with the uncertainty and confusion of not knowing what he is thinking and feeling, and worse–I can’t do anything to help.

So what do I do? I think about him constantly and there are reminders of him everywhere. I can try to ignore these things–to push them from my thoughts, but that is going to be absolutely exhausting. I really can’t talk about this to anyone because first of all, no one knew about this in the first place, and secondly, no one would understand the situation, or at least, they would/could not sympathize. It could be viewed as pathetic; before it happened to me, I saw it that way. Would I be stupid enough to expect others NOT to view it that way? Yeah right. I may be naive but in general I’m not especially stupid.

However this ends up…I dunno. I’m really angry and confused–not at him necessarily, but more at myself. So maybe it’s not all my fault, but I certainly have not helped matters any by being ME. That’s just a portion of what makes me a freak of nature. I do not have the capacity to live or behave in a normal fashion so I might as well just give up and accept my fate–I’m a nasty freak who will die alone and afraid.

Lich

Because I didn’t know what else to do.

I’m Hearing: Donnie Darko – Carpathian Ridge

It was a pretty pleasant weekend. Saturday was spent mostly bumming around my room. Talked to Ross for a bit in the morning and had a little breakdown due to the huge amount of stress I’m under. I felt better after a good cry, then went home for a bit. My back was feeling quite a bit better but I had Mom work on it for awhile anyhow. I got my tax returns back already, and found out that I’ll be able to pay my tuition bill without borrowing money from my parents, which is a great thing. Slept for awhile in the afternoon, then went to supper with the guys. I got two bottles of Yellow Tail (a nummy Aussie wine) and a case of Smirnoff Ice (24 16oz bottles for $20…what a deal!!!) Jon came over for awhile and I crocheted a bit while we watched The Fifth Element and he played some video games. I think I went to bed shortly after he left, but I can’t exactly remember because I was a bit drunk. I had an insane dream about a radio contest and woke up early Sunday morning.

Began the day by chatting with Ross for several hours…always a pleasant experience. :3 Then I went to move my car and was greeted with an open spot in the lot right behind my building. Very very nice. Grabbed some lunch from the Union, then went over to the art building to paint. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh…ahhhh, it was wonderful. After about 4 weeks of putzing around with my paintings and not being inspired at all, I put in a good solid 6 hours of work and accomplished more than I have all semester.

Down in the Park (6 hours of work)

I left feeling very good about my projects and life, and it felt as if some of the weight of the stress that’s been building was lifted off me. I smiled despite the cold and had enough energy to do Tae Bo. That felt wonderful…and I’ve decided that I’m going to specifically set aside time to do Tae Bo at least 2 or 3 times each week since it’s a good stress reliever and it’s good for my back. I need to keep stretching and massaging my back…but it seems to be more of a nerve problem than a muscle one.

So yeah, ’twas a very nice day. I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep last night but I wasn’t too tired. I took a small nap in one of the nicer chairs in the painting studio this afternoon when no one was there, listening to the Donnie Darko soundtrack…very nice. :-) I’m actually watching that movie right now as I type this…it gets better with each viewing.

This week shouldn’t be too tough, at least I hope. No major projects due this week, so I should have a little extra time to work on my painting. Espernet is being stupid…can’t get on irc. S’okay though, I shall go sit on my couch and watch the movie and…relaaaaax…I can’t afford to relax, but I’m going to anyhow. I’d rather not go insane this week if I can help it.