I’m Hearing: Linkin Park – Don’t Stay

Shit. Last night was the first time this week that I got more than 4 hours of sleep. I am so unbelievably exhausted…no motivation, energy, or creativity left in my body. Tuesday night I was at the computer lab till 4:30 AM (so I guess that was really Wednesday at that point)…got 2 hours of sleep then showered and went to painting, was a half hour late. Wednesday I called in to work and used the time to work on the damned project, and ended up spending the entire night in the IRC (the place where I intern) by myself getting it done. Once again, I left at 4:30 AM Thursday morning, so basically I stumbled home, showered, then went to my 8 AM class. There was no point in sleeping then, so I didn’t.

Looking around at my classmates was enough to make me see just how bad this semester has been for all of us. Heads were nodding as people tried to stay awake, dark circles and bags had formed under eyes, and the surfaces of the eyes were blank and glassy. We all looked like the walking dead. And of course no one had their 10 million thumbnail sketches done for the class, and our professor couldn’t do anything but shake his head and laugh at our pathetic-ness. I heard that the graphics professors are starting to get upset at each other for assigning too much work so that their students aren’t focusing enough on their own projects, and losing focus at work (since a lot of us work together at our internships too).

So I was finally able to leave home without a giant bandage on my finger today. The wound healed itself up remarkably fast…it’s kind of cool to look at because it’s just this slice missing off the side of the finger…it’s so smooth and clean it’s kind of disturbing. Still a bit tender, but mostly okay now. I’m still typing as if I can only use 9 fingers though, since I actually retaught myself how to type without using that finger this week…weird.

God, I’m even getting tired of my own complaining. That’s saying a lot because I just love to complain about stuff, but I’m starting to annoy myself now. I haven’t really had time to consider how this shit sounds to other people…I mean, compared to a lot of people I don’t have things bad at all, but for chrissake, it’d be nice to have ONE fucking day where I could just relax and watch a movie or something without having to worry about when I’m going to fit in time to do 150 more thumbnail sketches and 3 full-scale comprehensive digital layouts for my GODDAM project proposal……GAH, I’m just so frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought about how nice it would be to step out in front of traffic since that would be a quicker and less painful way to incur death, but I’m sure with my luck I’d just end up horribly disfigured and paralyzed rather than dead. <shrug> I don’t have time or energy enough to walk outside anyhow, so it doesn’t really matter. Though if this gets any worse, the X-acto knife that mangled me this week may actually start to look attractive…

(Of course I jest about that out of utter frustration…there are far too many beautiful things in this world to end life just because I’m overstressed over stupid projects. That’s not my style anyhow.)

It’s not really that I’m feeling totally negative about everything…there are things that have kept me sane during these trying times, like friends and classmates. Well, mostly classmates…since I haven’t had any time to do anything with my friends. ;_; There’s a group of about 5 of us that are always in the lab together late at night, and we tend to have a rather fun time amidst all our complaining. The difference with whining about shit with classmates rather than friends is that they are all in the exact same boat, so one comment just builds upon another, and no one really gets annoyed because it’s all just so pathetic.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention how close I came to losing it this week. Holy shit. Lessee, this must have been Tuesday night in the computer lab. There were 3 of us in there at about 2:30 AM (Wed morning), and one guy said something that wasn’t all that funny, but his tone of voice just caught me the right way and I started laughing. I caught one of those infectious laughing jags where I just can’t stop laughing, and then anything minor just perpetuates it until my own snorting and gasping just makes me laugh harder. This went on for about 15 minutes, until I could no longer breathe or see (too many tears)…then I thought I’d settled down and the guy who made the first comment said something totally unrelated to the original comment, and I started up again. Not because anything he said was funny, just because he’d been the one to get me going in the first place (unintentionally, of course). He was like, "Oh shit, I was gonna ask you a serious question too." Finally I snapped myself out of it when I realized how crazy I was acting, and I felt really sick to my stomach. :\

One of my other classmates was babbling incessantly all day, and at times having full blown conversations with people who weren’t really there. I had a dream this week that he was a baby, but still had his same face and was talking as if he were fully grown. Two other classmates were taking ham dinners out of cabinets above my head and were fighting over the microwave to see who could get theirs cooked first. I woke up with a giant puddle of drool on my pillow. I think that happened during one of my 20-minute power naps.

Oh yeah, <laughs ironically> I forgot to mention that I also had killer cramps all week. That was a load of fun too, dealing with that while sitting in a fucking office chair for 14+ hours a day. I was amazed at how much better I felt when I could just lay down for awhile. I can’t believe my body is still functioning considering the hell I put it through. I have no problem admitting that I really believe someone up there is watching out for me, otherwise I’d be completely falling apart.

I kinda wish someone would just say, "SHUT THE FUCK UP ANN, WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR YOUR STUPID SHIT ANYMORE." That would knock some sense into me and would most likely cause me to cry. If I cried, I’d be able to release some of this tension and stress, and maybe I’d even feel better, even if my self-esteem were lowered for a time while I pondered how annoying I am to people.

What the fuck, I’m wishing for bad shit to happen so I’d feel better. I’m totally messed up.

I’m really okay though…I’m still sane and I’m still alive and relatively healthy, and I guess that’s all that matters at the moment. I just have to get through this horrible shit so I can breathe again someday.