I’m Hearing: Stabbing Westward - So Far Away

We watched William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet this morning in Typography class. Seems odd, ne? Well, we were all assigned a Shakespeare play, and we’re supposed to design a textbook layout for that text which would appeal to high school students. Sheesh. I have my work cut out for me. At least I got The Taming of the Shrew so it gives me an excuse to watch Ten Things I Hate About You over and over. :-D

I took a nap this afternoon before work, and it made me quite groggy. After work I went home for supper cuz Mom was baking…it was delicious. :9

I spent the whole evening working on the layout for my Design project. It’s unnecessarily complex, but the design appeals to me so I’m going to stick with it. I still have to write a huge design proposal for my Shakespeare book too, by Thursday. I’m too tired to bother with anything else tonight, though, so it’ll have to wait till tomorrow. Sigh. All I feel like doing lately is sleeping because I spend so much time just sitting in front of one computer or another all day long everyday. At least I just have painting class tomorrow before work, so it shouldn’t be too terrible.

Not a whole lot else to report. My head was once again floating in the clouds today………..

I’m Hearing: Gary Jules - Mad World (Alternate Version)

Was a very restful weekend. I spent nearly all day Saturday and Sunday sleeping, but it was much-needed rest. I have a bunch of big projects to take care of this week too, but it shouldn’t be nearly as stressful as last week (or at least I hope.) I got to talk to Ross for a decent amount of time before painting class this morning, which was really wonderful. That put me in a cheerful mood for the rest of the day, and although my head was kinda in the clouds, I managed to get some decent work done today. :-D My back is sore again from sitting in front of a computer for 80-90% of my waking hours…I’m going to have to teach myself to sit differently or take more breaks or something because this can’t continue like this.

On the advice of many people, I watched Donnie Darko this weekend with the guys. Granted there was quite a bit about that film I did not quite "get," but it was very original and interesting, and the OST is creepy as hell. I’ve been trying to download it since sometime last night, and I’m only missing one song now. w00t! It’s odd how all the people I’m trying to get these songs from all seem to be missing the same three songs =_=….

I got my Jack Skellington hat this weekend too. It keeps my head nice and warm, plus it’s really awesome. :-D hehe. It snowed a lot last night, so it was nice being able to wear my new hat today :-D

I was able to install Silent Hill 2 successfully but didn’t have time to mess around with it much yet (hey, big surprise)…also haven’t had time to play PS2 anytime lately either. Hmmmm. I also haven’t painted much lately, but I simply haven’t felt inspired. :-( Oh well, my energy is all being directed to another place right now…and although my happiness at the moment is not due to painting, I’m just as happy or even happier than when I was being inspired for the Avatar painting. I know that might sound a little cryptic, but that’s cos I mean it to. :-D haha.

I’m Hearing: Puddle of Mudd - Control

Yesterday was awful. I wasn’t nearly as volatile as Wednesday but I was exhuasted, sore, and just plain drained. :\ It was my long day too, so the day never seemed like it would end. I ended up leaving my night class early because I just couldn’t stand it anymore. =_=

So yeah, I was up really late on Wednesday night trying to finish up my Typography assignments…which I finally did…as a result, I got about 4 hours of sleep, which obviously was not nearly enough. <sigh> Then critique at 8 AM, which lasted a decent chunk of time, followed by lecture. I ran home as soon as possible after that and caught Ross online. Talking to him made me feel loads better, especially since he seemed to be doing much better than the last time we chatted. That was the high point of my long and arduous day. I took a small nap, then went to work, followed by a mad scramble to get a mockup done for my design project. Finished it, a somewhat half-assed effort, but the best I could do in the state I was in. When I got home I showered then lay down on my couch for awhile till I got too exhausted to stay awake. It was the first time I’ve gone to bed before midnight since….sheesh, I can’t even remember. I still woke up tired though, although my back did feel a bit better.

Took my car over to the mechanic today so they can replace the distributor…I sure hope this is the end of the huge string of repairs this thing requires…sad to say the money I won for that art show is going for car repairs. :-(

I just got a random craving for mushroom pizza. I hope we’re going to a pizza place for supper tonight…

Hmm, well…today should be a bit better since I only have work. It’ll be a 9 hour day for me, but at least I don’t have to give any presentations or do any huge demanding projects. <whew> Nice to have a break once in awhile… (isn’t it sad that THIS is a break for me????) Well, that’s my life… :\

Oh yeah, and for some reason I can’t access anyone’s LiveJournal from on campus….damn site always times out. The http connection has been exceptionally slow the last few days…some asshole is whoring the bandwidth downloading pr0n no doubt.

I’m Hearing: Smashing Pumpkins - Crestfallen

I’m on the fucking edge. I really feel like I could lose it at any given moment…just need that one last thing to push me over. Grrr. I’m doing my best not to seem like I’m pissed at anyone I deal with on a regular basis; I mean, I’m trying to keep this rage contained so it can be directed at what’s pissing me off instead of blowing up at people who have done nothing wrong. It’s not like I’m upset with any particular person either, it’s just situations that are getting the best of me. The main thing I’m angry about at the moment is my computer. It’s having all these major issues with copying data off of CDs, causing it to spontaneously reboot and do other miscellaneous shit that is not nice or helpful to any of the tasks I’m trying to accomplish. I bought Silent Hill 2 for PC and had a horrible time trying to install that thing…in the end I was left with 6 corrupted files and a shitload of other things that went wrong, including a checkdisk scan that took nearly an hour and a half for my Windoze partition. GRRRRRRRRR!

Last night I got so mad with this thing acting up that I stormed out of my room and went over to the Mac lab in the art building to work on these typography and design assignments that I’ve been having no end of trouble with. I was about ready to shoot someone. To relieve the tension of the night, I must have watched the Trogdor episode of Strongbad email like 6 or 8 times. I was there till about 1:30 when I simply couldn’t stand it anymore and went back home. Hachi had been kind enough to remote into my machine while I was gone and change some of the settings so the stupid problem was solved, at least to the degree that my machine is usable.

There’s so much shit due tomorrow and I’m not finished with any of it. It’s not really that I’ve been slacking off, it seems to be a combination of shorter periods of time to complete assignments (compared to previous semesters) as well as tiredness and burnout. I don’t even have any sort of passion for my paintings right now. I’m just kind of "blah" towards them, which makes me really uncomfortable. The show came down today…I went down to the gallery and collected up my labels and helped some of my classmates carry their work back upstairs. My painting is officially out of my hands now and there’s nothing I can do about it for a year. Sigh. Better than not ever getting it back though, for sure.

The highest point of my day was opening a package from Ross and discovering a shitload of mp3 CDs inside. I literally went O___________O HOLY SHIT! He knows how much I love and appreciate music, so this gift from him was very meaningful and special for me, and I spent quite a bit of time yesterday contemplating his kindness. This complacancy broke into frustrated rage though, when I went to copy the CDs onto my hard drive only to have the stupid thing roboot constantly. FUCK! I didn’t get to see him online at all yesterday to thank him (since he had uni and he was building his new computer), but he did pop on this morning so I finally got to tell him what his gift meant to me. I felt really helpless talking to him today, as he was kind of just floating around through the doldrums, feeling really blase towards a lot of things. I wanted to help but I couldn’t do or say anything to make it better. Because of my empathetic tendencies, I felt like I was failing him because I couldn’t do anything for him, and that added even more frustration to my life…(Note: Ross, if you’re reading this, don’t go feeling bad about this, okay? It’s not like you have any control over it, and it’s not your fault I’m on a short fuse right now…)

I just need to vent somehow. I don’t have the time or luxury of doing that though, as I’m in class/at work all day everyday with minimal breaks…it’s just never appropriate. I don’t need to go on a killing spree or anything as drastic as that, I just need to beat the hell out of a pillow or scream until my throat is raw and my lungs gasp for air. I’m not good at holding back intense emotions like this and I can’t imagine it’s particularly healthy, considering I’ve felt pretty sick the last few days, not to mention tired and hungry but without an appetite for food or sleep. What I really need is a really big hug from someone who cares deeply about me; I need to be held and cuddled and told that I’ll get through this all, and life is good because I am loved. Well, at the moment, this isn’t much of an option, so I’m going to have to figure out something else…sigh.

Damn I’m tired today…3 hours is just not enough sleep. :\ I have a ton of work to do tonight.

I was exhausted today so I spent a good chunk of the afternoon sleeping. When I got up, I took a shower and pretty much just bummed around my room feeling quite foggy. I’ve had something of a headache since about 4 PM this afternoon, and I guess having a bottle of Zima isn’t helping (gaaah, I wanted Smirnoff Ice but I had none.) In any case, I’m not in that great of shape at the moment. :\ I have been trying to drink lots of fluids today also because my throat is starting to hurt…I may be getting a cold.

I was supposed to go see my brother today for his birthday but I didn’t feel awake enough to go. I felt kind of bad about that, but it gave me a chance to rest up a little. Plus I got to talk to Ross quite a bit, so that was great; he’s a really special guy and someone I always look forward to talking to. :3

I also messed around on my imac quite a bit this afternoon…it’s back in working condition again, and it was kind of fun reorganizing things and getting all my settings back the way I wanted them. I hopped up on ebay and won a Jack Skellington beanie hat, which ‘ve wanted for quite awhile…living in Wisconsin without a winter hat is NOT a good thing. :-(

Last night Jon, Brian, and I went shopping…I got some cheap DVDs and some PS2 games, none of which I’ll really have time to watch/play anytime soon. :-( Ah well, they’ll be there for when I do get time. There’s nothing better than an $8US DVD :-D

I have some rather huge projects due this week, and I need to start on my large painting. I sure hope I have the energy for all this….stuff….

And yeah, I’m quite aware that these postings have not been as prolific as they usually are, but there are a ton of reasons for this, the main ones being I’m very tired and busy. I have been writing about my painting quite a bit, but I keep that in a notebook since I can’t really carry my computer to the gallery. Once the show is down, I’ll compile those writings into a form that I can post here.

I’m Hearing: John Butler Trio - Take

Valentine’s Day. It’s been 4 months and one day since the idea for Avatar was presented to me. All I want right now is to snuggle up to a cute Aussie and fall asleep in his arms. :3

I’m Hearing: Nick Cave and the Dirty Three - Zero Is Also a Number

Well, I survived last night in one piece. <whew> It was quite a night.

To make a long story short, I did win a pretty important award last night. I’ll explain it in further detail later on…at the moment I’m just a little too drained to write as prolifically as this deserves.

I woke up sick this morning and had to do an assignment for my 8 AM class. I tried to talk to Ross while I whipped my project together but Trillian was being a tool and telling me shit like <*** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on> when he was clearly THERE since his messages to me were getting through. GRRRRR. The tunnel was also disconnecting me like mad so irc was pissing me off too. I left for class very upset, in a very destructive mood, just knowing I had a full day of class and work till 10 PM. I did feel shitty most of the day and ended up taking 2 naps during the short breaks I had between class and work, but my night class went fairly well and we were let out early so I made my way home with relief. I’m still very exhausted and sore as I type this, but hopefully a nice warm shower will help that. So off I go.

I’m Hearing: Smashing Pumpkins - Crestfallen

The server was down pretty much all weekend but it’s back up again, so that’s good. I’ll take this opportunity to throw down a few things that have been running through my head lately.

First order of business…the reception for the honors show is this Wednesday, exactly two days from now. <whew> Getting so close I can nearly touch it…still not sure how to feel about it yet. I’ve been spending time in the gallery each day…when at all possible I like to spend at least a half hour or so writing in there. I’m practically by myself most of the time, except for the guard and a few stragglers who come in to take a peek. It’s very peaceful and relaxing and I find the thoughts flow freely from my mind onto the paper. I plan to eventually type up what I’ve written, but I won’t be doing that until next week at the earliest (for a variety of reasons.) Perhaps I’ll include that as part of my "Making of Avatar" page once I get some more time.

I’m really incredibly busy now that classes have started again. I’m not feeling quite as overwhelmed this week as I was last week, but I have a clearer grip on the assignments I have to do now. Yes, they are a lot of work, but I have a better understanding of about how much time they’ll require, and most of them are on topics of my own choosing, so it isn’t so terrible. Both my jobs are keeping me busy, and I have to find time to take my car in again. I’ve had (or made) enough time to take naps when necessary, so I haven’t been too tired overall. Things have been okay.

I started a new painting this morning based on the song "Red Right Hand." I explained my concept to my professor and he basically told me he’d leave me alone to work because I seemed to have a good grip on what I wanted to do. I couldn’t have asked for a better response, truthfully. A lot of my classmates are struggling with their ideas and compositions, so in comparison I’m doing very well. Really, all I want is to be left alone >_< I know what I want to do, and sure, it’s nice to have suggestions here or there, but there’s no point in tearing apart my concepts and whatnot before I’ve reached a certain point, because I’m going to do what I feel like anyhow. I’ve had this professor before, and he let me go my own way the first time, so I have a good feeling about this semester. I also have some very exciting, well-planned-out ideas that I’m dying to get on canvas. I think my enthusiasm helps a great deal in allowing me to do my own thing. :-D

Spent most of Saturday on a photoshoot with a couple guys from my typography class, then Jon and Dave came over and were here till nearly 5 AM. Sunday consisted of sleeping, running home for a bit to do my taxes (with the assistance of my dad) and resting. I chatted a whole bunch and watched The Dead Zone. It was a great episode. :-D

Actually, on the topic of chatting, I have an example of how impressionable I am. Many of my online friends are from Canada and Australia, so obviously they spell words according to the British standards, which seems to be basically adding a "u" to words that end in "or", like colour or favour, etc. Being an American, I grew up spelling those words without the "u"…but the more that I talk to them, the more likely I am to add that "u" in unconsciously. By the time I’ve already typed it, I finally think "oh shit, that’s not right…" but I’ve already pushed enter and sent the text to the other person. I do realize I’m doing it, but it’s like…natural…to me now. Not that it’s really any big deal, it’s just something to demonstrate how easily I pick up on things like this. I’m like this when I’m talking to anyone in real life who has an accent of any kind…it doesn’t take long before I’ve adapted my speech patterns to follow theirs. And I can’t help it! I guess that’s not a bad thing, necessarily, but that’s what it’s like to be unable to control my empathetic tendencies.

I’m Hearing: The Master’s Apprentices - Because I Love You

I had a really stressful and tiring day but talking to Ross tonight made me feel loads better. Thank you Ross, you rule. :3

I’m Hearing: The Smashing Pumpkins - Blank Page

The art show opened today. Avatar is now up for the public to view.

Take a peek

Question: How am I feeling about that?

Answer: I don’t know.

I’m not overly excited or giddy, yet at the same time I’m not nervous or scared. I’m just kind of floating there, unsure of how to feel. I guess it still hasn’t hit me yet, but it probably will in awhile. I’m sure it’ll be a delayed reaction.

I feel a little bit uncomfortable about something that happened this morning though. Well, actually, the seeds of this appeared on Sunday morning when I awoke from a nightmare in which someone thought I had put too much personal stuff into the painting so they painted white over the whole bottom section of the painting. (If you know me well, you’ll recall a similar dream I had last year where someone I didn’t like painted mauve over the top of the painting I had in the first show.) In my mind this happened because I’d been separated from the painting for so long (well, only 2 weeks in this case whereas it was a 1.5 months the first time) and it was out of my hands.

Anyhow, they were putting the finishing touches on the show yesterday afternoon so I poked my head in and snuck around, taking a quick glance at the stuff in the show. I probably shouldn’t have been in there at that point, but they didn’t seem to mind too much. In any case, when I got to my painting, I saw a large spot of cadmium red on the moon and I nearly lost it. I hadn’t noticed it when we brought the painting down to the gallery, so I have no clue if it happened that night or sometime after that. It really doesn’t matter, the fact remains that it was there because the painting was still wet when I brought it down. The people in the gallery were getting ready to leave so I took a couple quick pictures and left. Then this morning I went over to the gallery, and the door was only 1/2 open. I peeked my head in and asked the gallery director if it was okay for me to touch up the painting really quick. He didn’t seem too pleased about that, but I went ahead with it anyhow, even though one of the jurors for the show was already looking it over. O_O I felt a little uneasy that I had done that, like I had broken protocol or rules by being in there at that time, but it’s over and done with now, and I can’t do anything about it. I’m satisfied with the way the painting looks now…I’m not biting my nails with nervous angst or anything like that…but I still feel odd about it.

Okay, enough about that…I’m comfortable with the fact that everything is taken care of now; the painting is up (in good condition) and the show is open to the public. Now I just wait for comments. If I ever have any free time during the day while I’m at school this month, I’ll be spending it right there in the gallery, watching and listening.

So now about the rest of my life…oy. This semester is waiting excitedly to kick me in the arse so hard I won’t be able to walk for a month or longer. My classes are really really hard and demanding, so much so I had to drop one of them because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the workload. Because of the requirements of my internships, I have to work a minimum of 10 hours at each, so I have basically no free time during the day with very little time to recover and do homework and projects at night. In addition to classes and work tomorrow, I have one class that goes until 10 PM. I am going to be so exhausted after that, but thankfully I have work all day on Friday so I won’t be too overburdened going into the weekend.

But, sheesh. I don’t feel like me right now. I’m being pulled in so many different directions at once and I don’t know just how I’m going to handle it yet. Once I get used to the schedule I’m sure I’ll be just fine, but at the moment, I feel scattered. It’s exhausting going from one place to another to another with no breaks and no time to eat until 6 PM or later. It’s not healthy mentally or physically and I won’t be able to last long at that rate. I’ll figure something out soon; there are just so many changes going on at once that I need to adjust to, and it takes me awhile to deal with change.

It’s nice to have a bit of time to reflect and relax, although it just makes me feel all the more isolated from everyone and everything. I don’t know why I feel so alone these days, but…I do. I have soooo much stuff to do and zero time to accomplish what needs to be done. I already miss talking to my friends, even though I’ve still been able to see many of them online over the last few days. I just know it’ll get worse though…argh. I guess it’s probably kind of a blessing that I’m not in a relationship right now, because I simply wouldn’t have the time and energy to devote to the whole thing. Or that’s what I tell myself when I’m thinking positively…