I’m Hearing: KoRn - Trash

Beware indeed. I’m really okay right now, but I have a lot of angst to get rid of, and I guess this is going to be the best forum for dumping it all out…so just heed that warning. o_O

Well, I went to bed angry last night, and am still upset right now, so I’m going to get that off my chest right off the bat so I don’t have to keep thinking about it. Last night I was trying to sync my PDA with my computer and it wasn’t working right. I kept getting all these weird errors and whatnot, so I ended up unplugging all my USB devices in an attempt to get rid of the conflicts…and suddenly my computer stopped recognizing that anything was plugged in at all…and now none of my USB devices work. GAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! It was already 3 AM when this happened and I knew I needed to come into work today so I went to bed with it messed up….and of course when I awoke nothing had changed…

gggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhh!

Okay, I feel a bit better now, although I’m still irked. I’m pretty confident one of my geeky friends will be able to help, but I sure hope it doesn’t mean reinstalling Windows. Of course, no USB means no digital pictures, since this is the means of moving them from the camera to the PC…so that in turn means I can’t share my progress with the painting. shrug

So…yeah. A lot has happened since Friday…a lot of ups and downs. I have been feeling on the edge lately, wobbling precariously back and forth between calm happiness and frustrated anger. I’ve broken down and cried at least twice over the weekend, and questioned my sanity and purpose in life countless times. I felt pretty worthless the majority of the time…almost like I was just floating in a void of space and time where I didn’t matter. There were so many times when I wanted to kick that damned painting, or just take a brush and go over the whole thing in black….gah, I was so mad!

So Friday night, I was completely exhausted. I went home and napped, went out to eat with parents and napped, roleplayed and napped (well, kinda…I was exhausted!) then went out with Jonathan, Brian, and Dave to Perkins for brekky. This is where my frustration with my cell phone began. My instructions from Verizon said I was supposed to activate the account as soon as I turned on the phone, and I tried like 4 or 5 times without success. Then Dave tried calling himself only to discover it was already activated. =_= Grrr. Why didn’t they just say that?

So Saturday, I slept in quite a bit…heh…till like 4:30 PM. Showered and dressed, then ran home for a bit. When I got back, I got in contact with Dave and Jonathan, and shortly thereafter the three of us and Brian took a trip up to Appleton. Jon was going to get a Saturn but had a couple issues with financing, and needless to say, that didn’t happen. Instead, he got a cell phone too, from a different company (thank god). He was really happy with his phone and spent most of the night playing around with it and/or making delighted comments like "Awww, I really love my phone." He was like a little kid at Christmas, I swear. :-D It was adorable. I got a couple Playstation 2 games and some DVDs, and then we went out for supper at Victoria’s. The wait was pretty considerable, but we managed to pass the time by watching Jon play with his phone and/or handing off Dave’s GBA so we could play Mario Kart (or whatever it’s called…I dunno.) The food was exceptional as always…hehe, it seems funny to say it like that, but it’s true. We had a bottle of Merlot…it was good, but not as good as the one we had last week at Olive Garden. Brian seemed really sad the whole time, and even admitted he was depressed. I wanted to talk to him but I didn’t feel like I was in any position to deal with negative emotions at that point since I was teetering on the edge myself…it wouldn’t have been a good idea.

Maybe once all this craziness is over I’ll "even out" a little bit…but probably not. I still have not had a "break" from school or work since the semester ended. I mean, yes, there were a few days where I basically did nothing at all (i.e., no work, no painting) but the entire time I was thinking about painting so I was actually working on it. I didn’t give myself a chance to rest at all. And once I finally finish the painting, the semester will start and I’ll have a full workload between classes and work. I’m not going to have any time to relax, again. I don’t just mean physical relaxation because lord knows I’ve had quite enough of that, but it’s mental relaxation that I am craving so much right now. My mind has not stopped racing for the last 3 months, and it’s become physically exhausting. I am so afraid of burnout at this point…I know I have tons of great ideas on tap, it’s just that I’m not confident I have the energy reserves to make them a reality. Sigh.

Hrm. Anyhoo, Sunday was the worst day I’ve had in awhile. I slept late again, got upset about my phone again, had my leftovers from Saturday night, then went over to the art building. Two of the other painters were there, and one of them had gotten his wallet and cell phone stolen at a bar and the other had just gotten a $100US speeding ticket on his way over. No one was in a very good mood, and the negativity just clung to the air…like a heavy curtain over everything…you had to fight to even move through space, it was so thick. I told one of them the angst I’d been feeling over the upper center/right portion of the painting and asked for some suggestions…and I realized there was not going to be any simple solution to the problem. So I basically said "fuck it" and attacked other parts of the painting instead. I got really mad at the cat and the shadow under Alice’s feet and when I walked by the other guys, I said to them, "Would you think I was a little girl if I started crying right now?" And yeah, I cried. I felt stupid and worthless and nothing seemed right…I went home seriously pissed off.

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Right

The frustration on Sunday night was heightened with my own stupidity regarding that fricken cell phone…jeebus. I guess I should explain why I was so upset…I ran into some big trouble with my new Motorola phone on the Verizon wireless network…it didn’t matter where I went in my own city, I was roaming 95% of the time. Only when I left the city did I get a full signal from Verizon. O_O Gah! I was really angry about that, because there are supposed to be no roaming or long distance charges with the calling plan I was on…and I remembered from reading my contract that there was a $175US charge for early cancellation of your calling plan…so I was all set to take it up the ass with that fee just to get rid of the devil product and move on with my life. To make sure, I reread the contract when I got back home, and saw that the customer service hours only ran until 11 PM, and of course by then it was already way past that time. So I showered, watched my tape of The Dead Zone, then went to bed sad and disheartened, and slept very uneasily and restlessly. I slept in a bit that morning, then got up and cancelled the plan…luckily there was a 15 day period in which to cancel with out penalty, so that was good.

So Dave and I took another trip to Appleton on Monday and I signed up for another wireless plan with the same company he and Jonathan use. After much debate, I ended up getting the same phone as Jon, so we’ll have to be careful not to get them confizzled. We ran all over the place trying to find a FedEx station so I could send the other phone back to Verizon (they had been kind enough to send a prepaid return label to ship stuff back to them, which was really nice) and eventually we found one. Then we went around looking for a laser printer for his father’s company and a phone battery for my cordless phone. (I think the old one is dying, and has been for like a year now. When I’ve been talking for longer than 10 minutes on the thing, it starts chirping away like it’s about to conk out…when I was cancelling my service with Verizon, it started making that noise and I was afraid it would go dead before the cancellation went through, but luckily it didn’t…but I was sick of taking my chances, so I decided I had better buy a new–or spare–battery.) We had some MickyDee’s and I delighted over the fact that I was getting full powered service on my cell phone within my own city. I changed clothes and went over to the art building.

Monday night painting was much better. Things flowed a lot more smoothly, and I was in a much better mood to begin with. I made some major changes to the background, which I unfortunately can’t show right now since I can’t get the pictures off my camera. Anyhow, I took out the playing cards in the center/left and replaced them with a "Drink Me" potion bottle tipped forward, spilling liquid…and also removed the pocketwatch entirely. In its place I added a multitude of playing cards of different sizes, which makes it much more dynamic. These items are only outlines right now, so you may have had to imagine it even if I could post the pictures I took, since they are very hard to see, even in real life. I was really really pleased with what happened with the painting last night and went home in a fairly good mood. It’s starting to get an all-over polished look that is making it look more "whole" and "together," or in other words, closer to my original vision than ever. It’s starting to sit right with me, which is amazing because I have unusually high personal standards with my artwork. When I can get something out that makes me feel good and calm and confident when I look at it (i.e., I don’t see any small errors that annoy me) I know it’s something good. It’s almost there…just a few more days!! :-D

Anyhow, after I got home, I chatted a bit, checked email and blogs, and watched my tape of Farscape from Friday. Then I fucked up my USB stuff, which brought my mood back to where it was on Sunday. Grrr.

Hrm. Despite all this frustration I’ve been feeling lately, I feel okay right now. I think writing all this down helped immensely. I have a lot of things to get accomplished in a short amount of time now, and I’m sure this added pressure hasn’t helped matters a bit. But at least I feel a little lighter and less burdened…when I got up this morning I was feeling like the dwarf in Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance (<Scottish accent>"I’m carrying a mule’s weight already!"</Scottish accent>) heh. At any rate, I feel much better now. Hopefully I’ll be able to fix the USB problem without too much trouble, and then most things will seem better. Here’s to hoping.

I’m Hearing: Avril Lavigne - I’m With You

I was looking at today’s date and wondering why it was significant…I knew something important was supposed to happen today. Then I realized tonight is the new episode of Farscape after the hiatus. Then Sunday is a new Dead Zone. w00t!

I took off work again yesterday to paint. I grabbed some lunch then headed over to the art building and worked for a solid 10 hours, probably my longest stretch yet, and I didn’t get exhausted like I normally do, which was a bit odd, but I think I know why. I’ve been working mostly on the grayscale background for the last couple weeks and in part due to Jules’ advice, I worked on a different section of the painting (the dress/apron and floor) so it was like coming to it fresh since I hadn’t touched that section for weeks, probably a whole month already. I felt good while I was painting yesterday, not blissfully happy as I was when I first started the project, but at least I felt more positive than negative about it. When I was upset about it the other night, I feared I may never be able to be pleased with it again now that I’ve seen the major flaw in it…but I simply focused on parts of the painting that had nothing to do with that section directly, and I was able to distance myself from it.

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Dress/apron detail

It’s gotten to the point where I’ve stared at this thing for so long that the image is burned into my head and I can’t tell if it’s good anymore. I can see that individual elements are turning out pretty decent on their own, but I’m having a really hard time looking at it as a whole now. My whole sense of "gestalt" has been burned out from looking at it the same way everyday for like…3 months now? Yeah, almost 3 months, in fact it’ll be 3 months in 3 days, since the concept was born on October 13. That isn’t the longest I’ve ever worked on a project, but probably the longest I’ve worked on a project consistently and with so much determination. Usually I’m pretty lazy and slow about finishing things. But anyhow…I can see that the painting is coming together now, but I’m not really feeling it. There is still enough about it that bothers me that I am not sensing the accomplishment as it’s happening.

I think my biggest demon in life is self-doubt. I always second-guess myself, even with the things I feel most confident in. It’s bad enough when I do it to myself with no provokation, but it’s about a million times worse when someone instills a little doubt in me with the simplest of comments…and it doesn’t take much. Then I’m just never sure what to think…even when I know I’m right about something, I have to question it.

I guess this comes from all the years of constantly being told I was weird or wrong because I was different. It’s also the reason why I edit my behaviour in public, because I was taught "normal" people don’t act "that way." Because I have always had the tendency to be observant of everything around me, people used to call me a freak and tell me I had a staring problem…I simply liked to study people and situations very closely. I still do, although I have learned to guard myself from staring at any one thing for too long, but I’m still very adamant about using a lot of eye contact when talking to people. I guess "staring" just makes people uncomfortable…I know I don’t like it myself. In the same vein, though, it’s not just about visual observation…a lot of times I realize that I notice a lot more than I let on about. I listen to things around me very carefully, and often I know exactly what is going on in situations I’m not directly involved in. I pay so much attention sometimes that, along with my overpowering sense of intuition, I sometimes pretend not to know what’s going on so not as to scare someone. I only recently realized just how much I do this too…it’s actually kind of frightening to me when I think about it…like…what would happen if I acted like myself all the time? I have no idea what would happen.

I know I’m not like other people, and I accept it. I almost feel like I’m a different species sometimes…and I’ve come to expect that I won’t be understood by most people. I’m just fine with that most of the time…in fact, I cheerfully embrace it. It’s just…I get lonely a lot. I felt it pretty strongly last night since I’d spent over 10 hours by myself in the art building painting, followed by another 6 by myself in my room crocheting. I watched a couple DVDs to pass the time while I worked on Joe’s blanket, but…man…it’s times like those that I feel like I’m going to be alone forever. I know that’s silly, but hey, part of the problem with having an obsessive personality is that I get fixated on whatever has my attention at a given moment, and last night it just happened to be loneliness. I bounce back and forth between thinking that I could survive okay on my own without someone to love to thinking I’m going to meet my special someone tomorrow.

Sigh. My thought processes are very…odd. But they suit me. :-)

I’m Hearing: The Cardigans - Paralyzed

I had a pretty crappy night, so I don’t really want to think about it. Basically, I started flipping out about a small problem with my painting and things snowballed until I was in tears out of frustration. Thankfully Jules was there to calm me down and I was able to go to bed without too much angst.

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Right

Got about 2.5 hours of sleep, and I’m kind of dragging obviously. My mind is sliding back and forth over various subjects, kinda like slimy water sloshing over rocks on a shore…smooth but a little sluggish.

All I have is a $10 bill…the change machine here only takes $1 and $5 bills, so it looks like I won’t be having lunch…again. :\ Lovely. I don’t really have anything to pack for lunch at home either…unless I want cheese and crackers–okay, scratch that…only crackers, as I have no cheese. Sigh. Maybe I’ll go out for lunch…or not…since I’ll prolly be going out for supper. Gurngh. >_<

Oh yeah, I should be getting my new cell phone sometime this week. I figured it was finally time to break down and get one…there have been way too many instances this semester alone where it would have come in soooooo handy. I got the cheapest calling plan, so I’ll have to see if it’s worth it or not. My brother got one this year and is really happy with it, so that’s pretty much what convinced me it was a good idea to try it out. If anything, I’ll be able to call inside the art building when I’m locked out so someone down in the sculpture room can come let me in. O_O But in all honesty, I hate telephones…I hate using them and hate hearing them ring, especially when it wakes me up. I hate playing phone tag. Ugh.

Hmm, Signs came out on DVD yesterday…I’ll have to pick that up. Not the greatest film on earth, but I still liked it enough. I think the only other thing I have left to get that recently came out is Goldmember…otherwise I have pretty much all the newer releases that I want. There’s a crapload of new PS2 games coming out this month that I want really bad, like Vexx and Devil May Cry 2. I need money in the worst way…and my car still needs to be repaired. I’ve been kinda holding off on that since it’s still driveable in its current condition, even though that’s not the best idea on earth. What else can I do though?

I’m Hearing: Kula Shaker - Mystical Machine Gun

I took off from work yesterday and slept in a bit, then headed over to the art building to work on my painting. :-D I was over there for about 8.5 hours until I was too tired to stand any more and my stomach was grumbling from lack of food.

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Tophat and pocket watch detail

Neck, shoulders, and wrist are aching from the effort, but it’s a sweet ache. I came in to work today because I needed to distance myself from the painting a bit, both physically and psychologically as I need to digest what I’ve done on a more subconscious level. The tree on the left side was really giving me a lot of grief last night and I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle diving right into it this morning without getting blocked so I thought it best to give it a rest. I’ll be back at it tonight, though, undoubtedly.

I’ve noticed the last thing I think of before I go to bed and the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning has become this painting. It used to be my computer (or something related to it anyhow) but now it’s all about the painting. I have come to realize that painting in general makes me happier than anything else on earth right now…it fills that awful void I feel when I don’t have something to occupy my time. Forget food, sleep, or even contact with other human beings…when I’m painting, my need for these diminishes greatly. I think it’s a really big deal that I’ve been able to find something that makes me this happy, but I am concerned that my feelings toward it will be tainted if the situation changed, even just a little. I like painting in the exact situation I’m in now–the conditions are ideal. If any one of those details were changed, it could fall apart. I guess that’s yet another reason for my hesitation about becoming a painting major. GAH! I should just stop overanalyzing this and just do it. *sigh*

Yaaay, Phil might be coming to Wisconsin in May!!!! That would be so incredibly cool…I’m already excited even though it’s not for sure yet. Ah…and the floodgate hath been opened upon Jules…soooo nice to see him drawing again. :-D My, what the power of momo can do to a person!

Hmm, yesterday I was thinking about the way my paintings sharpen and tighten over time as I work on them, and I realized it was a lot like the way some interlaced images appear as they load in a webpage. First you get a really rough, blurry, sketchy outline of areas of relatively solid color. Then, in the second pass, things become a bit clearer…you can make out some of the details. Then, in the final pass, all the details become as clear as they can get. I realized that this is how I have always painted, even before I had any knowledge about digital images, so I guess that’s part of the reason why computers come so naturally to me. The only problem is that when people see a painting in progress, they are typically seeing it in its first or second "pass" and therefore are only getting a vague idea of what it will end up being. My paintings tend to stay in the phase 2 stage longer than any other, and the final pass kind of happens abruptly in relation to the amount of time spent in phase 1 and 2. This makes critiques difficult for me, as people will suggest things I have every intention of doing but haven’t gotten around to yet. Sigh. This is how I enjoy working, though, and I can’t imagine changing my methods for any reason, unless they flat-out weren’t working.

Oh yeah, and in case any of you were wondering, the reception for the art show is on Wed, February 12 from 7-9 PM.

I’m Hearing: audio for "The Big Lebowski"

Oy. My head hurts pretty bad right now and I’m really really tired. I spent the day with my mom’s family eating good homecooked food and playing games…it was okay, but I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Big surprise, eh? Right now my brother is over…we played some PS2 games and now we’re watching The Big Lebowski (he’s never seen it all the way through…O_O;)

Ack…I can’t really think right now…anyhow, I really wanted to update so I can show my current progress for the painting (from Friday night)…I think I’ll talk about what happened this weekend tomorrow or something.

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Teapot detail
Tophat detail

I’m Hearing: KoRn - Falling Away From Me

Ahhhhhh. Painted for 6 hours last night after work and it was spectacular. I was so excited to get over there that I grabbed my old clothes and rushed over without bothering to eat supper or anything.

I was right, as it turns out. I did feel so much better after painting, and I didn’t notice that icky void that I spoke of yesterday. Despite being incredibly exhausted and weak with hunger, I felt wonderful and alive. :-)

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A topic came up today that has been bothering me a bit even though I’ve come to realize something about myself in terms of my paintings. It’s the whole deal with selling work. Actually, this also indirectly relates a bit to another subject I was chatting about with someone last night. I feel like I should mention that because it’s important in understanding my attitude towards…ah, just forget it…I’m rambling like a nut…I should just come right out and say what I mean.

The thing I was thinking about last night was the issue of displaying my art on my own walls. Up until last year, I didn’t hang my work up (with a few minor exceptions.) Some of my things are hanging on the walls at home, but that’s because my parents put them up. The reason I didn’t personally hang anything is because I used to feel that it was arrogant and self-involved to put your own work on the walls, as if the reason it’s up is because the artist feels self-important and cocky about it and needs to remind himself that he’s the shizzle. Heh. Well, after awhile (namely after I brought home my Persistence of RAM painting) I stopped thinking this and instead took on the attitude that if something is well-done and I’m proud of it, it can be inspiring rather than self-indulgant…in other words, I don’t necessarily have to be self-centered to appreciate my own work. In fact, I’ve noticed within the last few months, that I am energized when surrounded by things I’ve created.

In any case, back to the topic at hand…selling work. I realized today that it wouldn’t matter to me if I never sell any paintings. The bottom line is I paint because it makes me happy, not because I want to profit from it. In fact…the thought of accepting money for them actually kind of makes me ill, as if I’d be selling my own children for cold hard cash. It just seems wrong somehow. I’m sure people would laugh at me and say "yeah right, if someone offered you a million dollars for that painting, you’d sell it." Well, I probably would in that instance…but that isn’t the point. The point is that I don’t create for this purpose. I’d be just as happy finishing a piece and have it sit safely in my parents’ basement as I would selling it. But as long as it’s in the basement, I know it’s safe and free from harm…and I can visit it any time I like.

I guess it comes down to me not being comfortable with my work in other people’s hands. I don’t like giving up that element of control…and I have a great fear that the person who has the work would not fully understand or appreciate it, even a fraction of the way I do, and thus, it is not living up to the potential I gave birth to upon its completion. Okay, I realize how neurotic and nutty that sounds, but it’s a real problem for me. I feel like I have to defend this stance, like there’s something wrong with not wanting to sell my work (which in my mind gets twisted into "selling out") and it gets me into some uncomfortable conversations. This is why I still haven’t made up my mind about actually taking on a painting major or just taking all the classes and not bothering with the degree. It’s not like I’d have to pay anything extra or do anything beyond taking one extra class…*and* I would get to have my paintings in my senior show…but will making it official ruin how I think and feel towards painting? It’s almost like marrying someone you think you love, then having to live with them and realizing they aren’t right for you because you’re with them all the time, and you’re legally bound to them no matter what. Yes, I love painting, but I can’t do it all day everyday…it’s exhausting. If I was forced to do it, pressured to make something of myself this way, I don’t think I’d like it very much, because it would be more of a chore than anything. And that would be a shame because I love it sooooo much!! I don’t have much time left before graduation so I’m going to have to make up my mind really fast (probably within the next semester)…sigh. I’m really bothered by this, in case you couldn’t tell…

Sigh. If you think that sounds like a lot of high-browed bullshit, well…I guess I don’t know what to say to that. I’m involved with my work in a very intimate way, so everything about it is personal. I take it very seriously, maybe a little too seriously. I don’t live my life as a cliche, but if I never sell any of my artwork and stay poor the rest of my life, so be it. If that is what it takes for me to be happy and to enjoy what I do, I accept it. I’ll just have to make my way designing things using my graphics skillz, which has been my intention all along.

*Sigh*……anyhow….

I got to bed at a somewhat decent hour last night but I’m still very tired. I hope to spend tonight painting as well, since I don’t have much time left and I’m really having a great time. Ahh, can’t wait to get home to take a nap.

Oh yeah, speaking of which…the other night I dreamt I was in a mall in Perth and Rosey was working behind one of the kiosks selling ice cream, so I bought some from her. It was really watery and icky looking, but tasted good when I tried it. I met up with Jules somehow later on, and he bought some ice cream from another vendor, but his tasted bad. I said to him, "Now wouldn’t you have been better off buying it from Rosey?" He shrugged and said, "Yeah, I guess so." O_O wtf?

Don’t remember my dream from last night. Probably a good thing though…so many goofy things were buzzing through my head before sleep that it could have been really whacked.

I’m Hearing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Warm Tape

Ahhhh, finally got to talk to Ross about that crazy dream :-D I feel much better now.

Hmm. I’m really feeling a void right now. I just realized I’ve been unconsciously trying to fill it by spending time with friends and family and buying stuff, but neither of those things seems to help any. The only conclusion I can come to is that I need to finish that painting. I haven’t worked on it for about 2 weeks now, and I think it’s wearing on me, a LOT, especially now that the time is coming to a close…less than a month left.

Well…quite a bit has happened over the past few days, and my time and days have been so incredibly mushed together that I really have to concentrate to know exactly where I am in space and time. Sigh. Well…there hasn’t been a day since last Friday that I haven’t gone to bed before 3 AM (successfully, anyhow.) I tried to go to bed last night at 11:30, but it didn’t work at all. Gah.

At any rate, I should talk about New Year’s I guess, since that’s the most significant event of the last couple days. Well, I bought two bottles of champagne earlier in the week, with no plans for the evening. I fully expected to spend the night by myself sipping champagne alone in my room. Well, let’s just say it didn’t turn out that way at all. Dave came over and eventually Jonathan joined us as well…we finished off the champagne and the rest of my bottle of Absolut…and hooo boy. It was really funny seeing Jonathan drunk, and seeing as it was his first time…heeee…he’s a happy drunk! :-D

Evidence.

I took a ton of pictures…so many that I had to dump them onto my computer and empty the memory card so I could take more. Someone came up with the brilliant idea of doing a Big Lebowski drinking game…take a sip everytime someone says "dude"…well, we couldn’t keep up at all…and poor Dave, who was making fun of Jon about being a girl and not being able to drink much, ended up getting sick later on, and was green most of the night. Eventually, like at about 7 AM, both of them left. I stayed up till about 9 AM messing around with the pictures, then finally went to bed. Slept till 4 PM that afternoon, and I think that totally messed me up. Then Brian came over and we watched Spiderman. I crocheted a lot.

I guess that’s about all. shrug I hope to paint tonight, then hopefully I’ll feel better.