I’m Hearing: Korn - Freak on a Leash

Sigh. Well.

I’m nearly finished with my painting. I’m sure everyone is really tired of hearing about it/seeing it, so I’m not going to bother blathering on about that.

It’s been such a huge part of my existence the last 3.5 months that I don’t know quite what to do with myself now that it’s nearly finished. Last night I came home at 6 PM and just kind of sat there awhile staring into space. I felt like watching something, and after starting blankly at my DVD shelf for about 10 minutes, I came to the conclusion that the only thing I wanted to watch was the new episode of The Dead Zone, but that didn’t come on till 9 PM. I ended up flipping through the channels most of the night, never being interested enough in anything to watch more than 5 minutes of anything. I think I ended up watching some VH1 special about the Arsenio Hall show… :\ I crocheted a little bit in the meantime, and when The Dead Zone came on, it was well worth the wait because it was one of the best episodes of all. It was very well done and cleverly filmed.

So what was the rest of my weekend like? Ummm…well, I had a job interview on Friday. I ended up getting the job, and I’ll be starting next Monday. >_< huuu, I’m going to be sooooo busy this semester, I’m not sure how I’ll handle it. Brian was in a pretty blah mood that night so we just watched movies all night. I finally got to show him and Jon the first 2 eps of The Dead Zone, which they seemed to like pretty well, and after that we watched the subbed version of Spirited Away, which I rather enjoyed. I’ll have to watch it again to catch the things I missed, but it was very good. And finally, I showed Brian My Neighbor Totoro since he’d never seen the whole thing.

Saturday I got up late as usual and got a sandwich and bagels, then ran home for awhile. And of course, I spent the night alone in the studio…painting. That night I dreamt I was dating Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters. =_= This is becoming a nightly thing…is my subconscious trying to tell me something…like I’m lonely?? argh.

Sunday…got up reasonably early (around 1:30 PM) and went right over to the painting studio where I messed around with my painting and talked to Mike (another painter) till 6ish. Then came the blah-ness of the evening.

I’m so tired…in body, mind, and spirit. I feel like resting, but when I finally get a chance to rest I feel guilty almost for just laying there, like I should be doing something. I’ve grown so accustomed to always having to do things (and I know I still have a million things left to do) that when I’m not "using my time wisely," I feel like a useless waste of human flesh.

Gah, I really don’t feel like going on about…stuff…right now. I feel like my life energy is being leeched out of my body slowly but constantly. It’s not a comforting feeling. But I’m still alive and doing fairly well for myself, so that’s the upside to it. Despite how low I feel at the moment, I feel as if it’s deserved in a way after the hell I’ve put myself through with this project. And it’s all worth it because in less than a month, I’ll have a piece of artwork (that I put more of myself into than anything ever before) up in a gallery in an honors exhibition. The fact that I had to work extremely hard to first gain my professor’s respect, to the point where he chose the painting for the show before it was even half-finished, to the unbelievable personal struggles I endured to see this painting to its conclusion…everything as a whole…it’s worth every bit of sadness and angst.

I have a strong urge to leave all of my things behind and buy a one-way ticket to Australia. Will that happen? Of course not…not now at any rate. I have neither the money nor the courage to do something that rash… After graduation? More likely. <snorts> I can make webpages and paint anywhere. Why not do so in a beautiful, warm environment surrounded by lush green flora and charming guys with Aussie accents? waaa, one day…(we all need dreams, don’t we?)