I’m Hearing: Foo Fighters - See You

Interesting weekend. Lesee if I can remember all that happened…I’m so insanely confused with time as I went to bed after 4:30 three nights in a row now…

Friday night…had dinner with parents then roleplayed till…late. Jonathan brought over Ratchet and Clank so I played that for awhile and really loved it. It’s quite a bit like Jak and Daxter except even more fun! Finally the guys tore me away from the game to have a truck stop run (as Perkins was unbelievably crowded considering it was past 3 AM O_O.) Bedtime at somewhere around 4:30. Heh.

Saturday was…well…quite a day. I got up rather late, showered, and ran home for a bit, then spent most of the rest of the afternoon crocheting. Had my first real date in what seems like forever and a half! We got along great, and ended up staying up till a little after 4:30 Sunday morning. I slept till about 2:30 that afternoon and was quite out of it for the rest of the day. Amongst playing Ratchet and Clank and watching Fellowship of the Ring (both of which I bought on Saturday) I stopped home again to hand off the tape of the Alamo Bowl to my mom so she could look over the sideline shots to see if she could find my brother anywhere. After that I spent most of the night crocheting and watching various things while occassionally chatting. I went through Vanilla Sky and Tomb Raider then watched miscellaneous things on TV. I also fit in a 2 hour nap around what would have been suppertime, so it was almost 5 AM when I finally went to bed. So that’s why I’m feeling kinda foggy right now, as I had 2 hours of sleep before coming into work today. =_=

But I guess the most interesting thing to mention…or at least the thing that’s most on my mind right now is the dream I had last night. The portal to Australia was back!!! The details were a little sketchier this time, but it had moved from my bedroom at home to my dorm room. There was no hesitation this time whatsoever, and I reached through and pulled Ross into my room! :-D I won’t go into any details here since I haven’t been able to discuss this with him yet, but to put it simply, we had a lot of fun. ;-)

Hrmm, I wish Ross were on IRC right now…this is killing me! :-D

I’m Hearing: Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows

I guess I really don’t have a whole lot to write about today…last night when I was flipping through the channels, I happened across a movie playing on the sci fi channel and I recognized the dialogue as being part of a Godsmack song, so I did a bit of research and found that they did actually use dialogue from the film No Escape in the song "Immune." It was cool to have "coincidence" interfere again… :-D I only say that because I don’t think it was a coincidence….in general, I don’t believe in coincidence at all.

Sigh. Lunch is about an hour away…my boss and I are hitting up Rocky Rococo’s for pizza today, so that should be yummy. Going out to supper with parents tonight as usual for a Friday. Hmm.

I actually went to bed at a decent hour last night…about 1:30 AM. I’m not as tired as usual today, so it’s a good thing.

I’m Hearing: Avril Lavigne - Tomorrow

Christmas was good. I went home on Tuesday afternoon and spent the night at my parents’ house. It was really odd not having my brother around this year…no one got all excited. I took pictures for him though, so he didn’t miss everything. I got the most kickass gift from my dad though–an airbrush set! I have yet to get some paint so I can try it out, but dayam…:-D

Wednesday afternoon we went over to my aunt and uncle’s house for lunch, which was great, and I had some really great champagne! :-D It’s always nice to see my insane family…they’re a fun group of people.

I got a few other miscellaneous things including mostly DVDs (yay!) and some clothes. My Doc Marten MaryJanes arrived on Tuesday as well, so that was cool. I now have a decent amount of girlie clothes to wear ;D

I worked on Joe’s blanket quite a bit over the last few days…still not sure if I’ll have it done by the time he gets home, but it’ll be close.

Oh! I showed my parents the first 2 eps of The Dead Zone (what I have on DVD) and as expected, they loved it! When I came back to the dorm yesterday, the 2 eps I was missing had finished downloading, so I watched them then burned them to CD. I have ‘em all now! yaaay! And the new season starts next week, I believe. I’m gonna have to start taping them now. :-D

It should be a pretty quiet day here at work today considering most people won’t be in. Ah well. I wonder if the art building will be open tonight…if not, I guess that’s okay because I should really work on the blanket as much as possible.

Well, actually…not a whole lot else to say right now, amazingly enough. O_O

I’m Hearing: The bleating of sheep

I’m going absolutely nutz sitting here today…I can’t concentrate on a thing. Mainly been talking to peeps on IRC since I got here, which has been nice because everyone seems to be in a fairly good mood. Got to talk to Jules for a bit, which was wonderful, and am now talking to Ross…boy I’ve missed you guys!

One thing we’ve been chatting about is meeting online friends in real life. I said to Ross it would be really cool if he and Julesenrosey took a trip to the US sometime for like 2 weeks so we could meet and hang out and whatnot. Then I really started thinking about how surreal that would be…I mean, being that Australia is virutally on the other side of the world, it’s like it’s so far away it is another world. All of you seem larger than life to me…you’re so real but yet you exist in my mind as photographs since I’ve never actually interacted with you. I see your lives as a series of still images when that couldn’t be farther from the truth. But to actually meet you and have a real life conversation with you with spoken words and eye contact and such…that would be such a huge deal for me that I can’t even begin to describe it. I guess some people might not see meeting an online friend as such a groundbreaking event, but when I finally do meet my Aussie friends, it’ll be a very important day in my life.

I’m not sure how I’d react at first…I’d probably be frozen in disbelief, like I can’t believe they’re actually here, in the same room with me. I’m probably going to experience something of the sort when I meet jetfuel when he comes back home. I mean, yes, technically, I have met him before, but I had no clue who he was then…he was just the guy who sold Jonathan his iMac. It’s going to be quite different this next time since I know him a lot better now.

Hmm. Well, I am going to buy some white paint and groceries, then going home.

I’m Hearing: The Nightmare Before Christmas - This is Halloween

I’m not really sure if I should write right now in the mood I’m in, but I hope I’ll feel more at ease later. Anyhow, it’s a little after 3 AM as I sit here, and most people are in bed asleep. There’s no one active online right now, so I have no one to talk to at the moment…I guess this is second best.

As mentioned yesterday, I wanted to paint more than anything. So I did. I spent about 6 hours on it tonight (err, last night), and while the changes are fairly minor, I still think I got a reasonable amount accomplished. It’s starting to tighten up now, which means I’m getting closer to completion. My version of "finished" is quite different than most people’s though…so…

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Hrm.

I’m not really feeling sad right now, just…lonely. Aside from the insanely vivid dream I had last night, the last 3 or 4 nights I’ve been dreaming about being in a romantic relationship with different people. Since my passion cannot be shared with a real living person, it is being played out in my head, and when I awaken I feel like something huge is missing in my life, and I think about how much I just want someone to cuddle with and adore. My one fear right now is with my work, because I’m putting all my passion into my painting. If someone had my heart right now, I’m afraid I wouldn’t have much energy left to put into my work, and perhaps the painting would suffer greatly, and I might not be able to get it done in time. :\ I guess the upside to not having a significant other is that I’m able to create some pretty ground-breaking artwork.

But…

For shits and giggles, I looked at yahoo personals tonight. I had no intention of contacting anyone…it was just curiosity, you know…just to see the kinds of people that are out there right now in the same position as me. There was a feature on there called something like "find your perfect match"…I typed in my preferences, and guess what…no matches whatsoever. :\ Guess that’s not too much different than real life in that respect.

Sigh.

Gah. I don’t feel sad or depressed or even pathetic…I actually feel really good about myself right now. I’m in good spirits most of the time and am not under nearly as much stress as I have been recently, so I’m much more relaxed. I have time to do the things I want to do without too much distraction. Everything in my life is good right now, except I’m lonely! I feel close to my friends, but I also feel really isolated from people…and really cut off emotionally. I just want to feel!

Oh yeah, here’s the pics from our DDR session on Saturday night. Heh.

I’m Hearing: Avril Lavigne - I’m With You

Hmm…I’m very troubled by a dream I had last night. From an outsider’s perspective, the dream in and of itself could be considered romantic or adorable, but given the background I have with this person and situation, it has made me very uncomfortable.

You see, in elementary school, I had a classmate named Jeff who was the classic geek. He was tall and thin (lanky, if you will) with really big thick glasses, he couldn’t play sports, and he was just a bumbling type of guy. He was also pretty shy, but when he did talk, he said odd things. I remember him doing an entire assignment in 1st grade in a rainbow striped crayon. He checked out the book "Little Women" from the school library that same year. Kooky, yes. But that was his style. Of course, people picked on him mercilessly because he was different–he was a nerd. People could be really mean. And, I admit, being young and impressionable, I picked on him too because I was desperately trying to fit in. I always felt terrible about it, because when I wasn’t around other people, he was actually very nice and I got along with him quite well. The teasing got to a point where he actually went to a different school because he couldn’t handle it anymore. I only saw him once after that, during 6th grade. I was sitting in the backseat of my parents’ car in a grocery store parking lot, and he was in his parents’ car, a few spaces down. He grinned at me for awhile, then got out of the car, went to the trunk, got something, then went back into the car. Suddenly he flashes me this cardboard sign with the words "Send Help!" scrawled across it in black marker. I rolled my eyes and he laughed. Then my parents came back from the store and we drove away. Never saw him again after that.

So anyhow, in my dream last night, some of my friends from high school were telling me that he had a major thing for me. Apparently he had been keeping up with things in my life for years and had loved me all along because I was the only one who was even remotely nice to him in school. I went through the initial embarrassment of "omigod, it’s that *geek*!" (the reaction I would have had in elementary school around the other kids) but after I got past that, I was a little flattered. One girl, who actually lived close to him in childhood, said, "You should go out with him…you’re perfect for each other!" Somehow I found his online journal, and apparently he’d been reading my blahg and following my life very closely because he had passages from my blahg copied into his own journal with his comments underneath them. O_O Again, that was flattering, but I felt really icky about it. I was cruel to this guy when he was a child…why would he be interested in me?

Well, there was an art opening on a boat of some kind. I had a piece in the gallery, so it was a huge deal for me, and I invited a lot of my friends, and even some people from high school who I didn’t invite showed up to support me. I was all dressed up in formal wear, and most everyone else was too…it was a huge event. Someone pointed out that Jeff had shown up and I should go talk to him. The person pointed across the room to where he stood. He was wearing a tux, and his jacket was open enough for me to see he had the word "OVALTINE" embroidered on his chest in black on a slight arc. He was looking at me with admiration and I pretended not to notice, but looked up a few times and glanced his way.

Eventually I left the main room and went into another section of the boat that was a bookstore. I grabbed a magazine that was in plastic wrap (something about digital music creation) and went around the corner to the next row of shelves and he was standing there. He started talking to me, and I cannot recall what he was saying, but I don’t think it matters anyhow. What does matter is that he was very self-confident and seemed really happy. Somehow I knew he was really rich too, but he was really humble about it. He had grown quite attractive over the years and I looked at him wide-eyed as he started singing to me. His voice was sweet and gentle, but very rich. I lost my breath, and stumbled back into the front of the store where I paid for my magazine and quickly left.

Something happened to the boat (I think it collided with something) and it split in half. There was a lot of panic, but eventually somehow they got the boat back into one piece temporarily so everyone could get out. When I got out to my car, someone was there waiting for me in the driver’s seat. I don’t recall who it was, but it was someone I knew well. She told me that Jeff was going to give me a note that evening. I asked her if the note said what I thought it did, and she said yes. I breathed out and slumped back against the passenger seat. I felt really really bad that he was interested in me because of the way I treated him when we were younger, but I felt even worse because I only did it so people would think I was cool–I never meant it. And now that I myself have become similar to what he was when he was younger (a strange, kooky geek-friendly individual) I felt that maybe we could be compatible, but I’d never be able to forgive myself for picking on him. It was a horrible dilemma because he had developed into just the type of guy I go crazy for and he seemed crazy about me. I only wanted to cry.

I woke up feeling confused and upset…I have no idea what happened to this guy after he was 10 years old, since that was the last time I ever saw him. I don’t know if he is still the bumbling geek he was then, or if he had really become someone comfortable with himself. I just felt *bad*. I’m sure this dream was trying to communicate something important to me, but I’m still a bit hazy as I woke up not more than 45 minutes ago. I’m sure something will come to me within the next few days, but if anyone else has an idea, please let me know.

Sigh. Anyhow…on to real life events. :-D

Hmm…the guys and I had planned on seeing The Two Towers on Friday night, but due to a lack of planning, we ended up not getting advance tickets so the show was sold out. Jonathan, Dave, and I went shopping for most of the night instead and ate at Red Lobster for supper. When we got back to my place, Brian came over and we had a mini Christmas (gift exchange.) The guys seemed pretty happy with the gifts I got them, so I felt really good about that. I gave Jonathan a pair of welding goggles so he could be like his RnT character and he seemed particularly pleased with them, so that made me feel good because those were the hardest to track down. :\ We also watched the new-to-DVD Back to the Future which I had bought that night. I don’t remember the movies being so *clever*!! There are a LOT of subtleties that I’ve missed until now, probably because I saw that movie when I was young. I love the movies all the much more now.

And because we didn’t get to see LOTR Friday night, we played it safe and ordered tickets online for Saturday. So yesterday I went shopping all afternoon and hit up the clearance racks at Target. I went home for awhile, then came back and watched some Dead Zone episodes until the guys came to get me. Saw the movie…it was pretty loooooooong…it was okay, but I liked FOTR better. Ah well. After that, Dave left to go drinking or something, so Jonathan whipped out his newly purchased DDR pad and we messed around with that for quite awhile. It was amazingly fun…and addicting. I can see how peeps might get to the point where they want to do that all the time… After awhile we were all hungry so we made a Perkins run, and when we came back we were predictably tired, plus I had a headache, so we dispersed for the evening…err…early morning….(it was about 3 AM…)

I had hoped to do a considerable amount of painting this weekend, but oh well. I still have tons of time left yet, and the rest has been helpful. I suppose I should get a little something to eat then shower and head over to the art building. :-D

And seriously, if anyone has an idea about that dream, please say something because I’m still feeling really weird about it. Thanks.

I’m Hearing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Cabron

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I thought my left eye twitch was gone, but it’s back again, worse than ever. o_@*`

Well, I felt pretty crappy yesterday so I stayed home from work and decided I’d force myself to "take it easy." I spent all day lounging around my room in my pajamas, alternately downloading things on my computer, watching these things (most of which were eps of The Dead Zone), chatting, and snoozing. I watched part one of Taken…now I just have 18 hours of viewing ahead of me…It’s amazing how truly difficult it is to force myself to do *nothing*…there were so many moments where I just wanted to run over to the art building or play video games, etc…I’m so accustomed to having things to do, and it’s not like I don’t still have a huge "to-do" list now, so that drive is ever-present…sigh.

Also started reading The Dead Zone, which is somewhat different than the TV series, as it takes place about 20 years earlier, but still quite riveting. I made up my mind to take a shower when I reached the end of a chapter, so I changed into my robe, but made the mistake of sitting down in front of my computer again…and got sucked back into it. :-D It’s been awhile since I’ve read something that I’m unwilling to put down, as it were. (I have the e-book PDF version, in case you’re confused.)

Well…I must have slept a little too much yesterday because I had a really hard time getting to sleep at night…I watched a little VH1 before falling asleep around 3 AM and was very disturbed by a Tori Amos video I saw shortly before turning the TV off…it’s for the song "Sorta Fairytail"…and if you’ve ever seen it, you know exactly why I’m bothered. And you must also realize just how unnerving this video is if it bothers *me*!!!

Hmm…bought some fresh bagels this morning and brought them in to work…mmmmmmm, they were good…had one for breakfast and one for lunch. :9

Oh yeah, this morning I woke to discover snow on the ground for the first time this year…so strange how the absence of snow makes it seem like Christmas is so far away when in fact it’s only 5 days from today. O_O

Tonight the guys and I are going to see The Two Towers and will probably have supper at Red Lobster. (I’ve never been there before!) I also hope to have time to stop by the mall so I can pick up a video game for Jules plus some remaining Christmas gifts for my family.

damn you left eye….you’re making me crazy!!!!!! o_@*`

ooooo0000000OOOOOOOO! Grades for this past semester were posted. I got an AB in my art history class! Considering what I went through, that is unbelievable. No 100-level class should be that hell-ish.

I’m getting kind of antsy to paint again (waha, big surprise, eh?)…this weekend will prolly be mostly painting. :-D

paaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnntiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnngggg

Think what you will…I’m not really insane…I just love what I do.

A LOT.

:-D

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My paint shirt

I’m Hearing: Foo Fighters - Down in the Park

@_@

!!!!!!

:-O

Once again, sitting here at work, not really thinking about anything in particular, mostly just feeling kind of tired and bored, listening to different versions of "Down in the Park" (carrying over from last night…read previous entry for more info) and suddenly WHAMMMO! I got slapped in the face with another bout of inspiration. I immediately went wide-eyed and perked up and just as I was about to get excited, BA_BOOOOOM! I got wallopped again!!!!! I don’t think that’s ever happened twice in such a short amount of time before @_@!

(This is the essay I read last night about the meaning of the song)

So I started thinking, hmm, this song has a lot of imagery in it…it kind of reminds me of…OH MY GOD——-!!! I could paint this!!!!! @_@ Then I started thinking of other songs that would make good paintings and my mind went to the first X-Files soundtrack and remembered "Red Right Hand" and "Time Jesum Transeuntum Et Non Riverentum (Dread the Passage of Jesus, For He Will Not Return)" by Nick Cave. The idea just snowballed until suddenly I couldn’t stand it anymore and jumped up and hopped over to my boss’s cubicle and told him to listen to the songs so I could tell him about my ideas! It was great! :-D

The last time this happened I was talking to Jules and he said I was like muse on steriods…hmmm…that pretty much sums everything up right there. Sigh…still 2 hours left to sit here before I can go paint.

I’m Hearing: Radiohead - Knives Out

Hnguh. I feel really icky this morning physically. For once, it’s my body that’s ailing rather than my psyche. I dunno which is worse…but guh. I don’t get sick very often but when I do it tends to hit pretty hard…usually after times of great stress, and usually on holidays. Well, all the ingredients for my typical sickness are there, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I wind up with a cold or flu over Christmas. :\ Sore, scratchy throat and upset stomach greeting me this morning…I may go home at noon if I don’t feel better by then.

Well, I spent last night kind of bumbling around my room…I was exhausted after work so I took a 2-hour nap (during which I dreamt I was in Japan and the lens on my digital camera broke!) then ordered cheesy bread for supper. After that, I pretty much just putzed around on my computer, downloading stuff…I tried to get some episodes of The Dead Zone but was only successful in getting one. But hey, one is better than none, so I watched it. I spent a good hour pondering the meaning of the lyrics of "Down in the Park" before I found a website that offered two possible explanations. I have versions of that song by Gary Numan, Marilyn Manson, and the Foo Fighters (I heard the FF version first, as it was on the first X-Files soundtrack) but I never knew what it was about. Well, at least now I have some possibilities to consider.

Also, my brother called at one point, so I got to talk to him for awhile. He’s heading down to Texas this week with the Badger football team because they’re in the Alamo Bowl this year and won’t be home for Christmas. That will be really weird because he’s the only one in our family who gets really excited about holidays, with Xmas of course being his favorite…who’s going to spread cheer this time around? It’s not gonna be me. :\

Hum hum hum…this sounds pretty depressing, ne? I wish it didn’t since I don’t really feel sad…it was actually a very welcomed relief to just do nothing in particular….it’s been sooooo long since I’ve done that, since I’ve allowed myself to do that…there were times when I could have taken it easy but chose not to for whatever reason I could think of at a particular moment. Maybe feeling sick this morning is my body’s cry for R & R…I had better listen to it or I could end up in a bad situation.

Ack. I want to paint. ;_; That seems to be the one thing I think about all day long…sigh.

I’m Hearing: Avril Lavigne - Complicated

Hum hum hum…

This past weekend was a much needed break. Oh. My. God. Last week was so stressful for me…I never actually thought I’d lose it so I was still okay, but sheesh…the pressure was intense. The fact that it was all finally OVER hit me when I got home from work on Friday afternoon. I walked into my room, sat down at my computer, and stared off into space for about a half hour, then finally BOOM! I realized I could do whatever I wanted! I started thinking about video games and crocheting again, and soon my mood had shifted entirely. I went out to supper with my parents and could actually eat a full meal without feeling sick to my stomach! Later on Jonathan and Brian came over, which was cool because I hadn’t seen either of them for a long time. We watched some stuff then went out to a truck stop for some food stuffles. Mmm. I went to bed around 3:45ish feeling really relaxed.

Saturday I went home and finished reading Alice’s
Adventures in Wonderland then took a nice long nap before a yummy home-cooked meal of mashed potatoes and broccoli, which was about the best thing I’ve ever tasted in my life… :-) It’s funny how one’s perspective on food shifts so easily when deprived of it for a long period of time… I also bought some new pants (which I needed really bad) and GTA: Vice City. Brian and Jonathan came over again for awhile and more stuff was watched. Brian left early for church and Jon hung around for awhile then took off. I stayed up till about 5 AM that night, just messing around with stuff (mostly crocheting though.)

Woke up to the phone the next morning…and it was Brian. We went shopping again and I spent way too much money but…sigh…it was great being able to do that again as I haven’t been living what I consider a "normal" existence for myself this past month. Spending money is a…familiar…thing for me, so it helped me relax some, and was probably a huge factor in getting me back to myself again. We had Chinese for supper, then Brian went home so I gamed for the rest of the night…wow…I missed that.

Then back to work on Monday, a full 40 hour week ahead of me. kuiki.net went down so a lot of what I hoped to do that day was shot, but it kind of turned out in my favor because I read up a lot on symbolism in Alice in Wonderland and The Matrix and even ended up reading a section of Plato’s Republic @_@ Sheesh.

After work I stopped home, changed clothes, then hurried over to the art building to attack my painting. :-D The week I took off from painting really gave me a fresh perspective on it and I was able to accomplish more in 6 hours than I did in 18 hours last week. I totally wiped out the old background and felt no remorse as I changed out all the objects for new ones. It has taken on a whole new life, and it has much more dynamic energy now…mmmm…good stuff.

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One of these days I swear I’ll get a head on shot…there’s just no room!

I was talking to a coworker this morning (who is very friendly, you see) and like always he asked me how long I painted last night…as I started thinking, he said, "You better not be counting off hours…" Hee. He had great difficulty understanding how I could possibly paint for 6 hours after a full 8-hour work day, or how I could be so intimately involved in my work that I see my paintings as children. He thinks I can sell my stuff for "millions of dollars" and will often comment on how I’m going to be rich someday…I always have to laugh it off, though, as he really has no clue about art. All he does is go to the bars every night…he may be charming, but he can be kind of shallow sometimes, even though he’s a pretty smart guy… :\

Still have my left eye twitch. It seems to only get irritating when I’m working on the painting though…part of me is still under a reasonably large amount of pressure to get that thing done for the show, in addition to my own drive to finish it for personal reasons…so even though it’s bliss being able to work on it, there are some drawbacks…if all goes as well as it did last night then I shouldn’t have much trouble getting it done in time.

Oh, also, I’m really happy to see Rosey made it back to Malaysia in one piece…it was so great to see both you and Jules online this morning…I’ve been thinking about you guys a lot these last few days. Oh, and I finally brought my painting of you two home so I can look at it whenever I want now. :-) Hee.

And now, as I glance at the clock, I notice I have about 6 hours before I can go paint again… :-D