I’m Hearing: Red Hot Chili Peppers – Zephyr Song

I’ve had just about enough of this. Last night I was so tired that I took a short nap early in the evening so I could stay up to watch The Dead Zone, later on. (That show is really great…I discovered it last Sunday when I was beginning to suffer from insomnia. It’s based on the book by Stephen King…about a guy who was in an accident that put him in a coma, and when he woke up he had psychic powers. The main character is played by Anthony Michael Hall, the guy who played Jim in Edward Scissorhands…he’s much more likeable in this show!) Anyhow, that was probably the worst idea ever, because after that I was wide awake. I decided to play a little Grandia II until 9 PM, when the show aired, but I ended up in a situation where there was too much story going on, and no save point was nearby. (That’s my biggest beef with RPGs, especially that type of RPG…the save points are few and far between…you basically have to set aside a few hours every time you sit down to play the game :\ ) So I played till the next save point, and ended up watching the airing of The Dead Zone at 11 PM. So when I went to bed it was about 12:30…not too late…but I was not tired. Not surprisingly, I drifted for about an hour, at which point I was wide awake again. So I got up and putzed around on my computer until about 2:30ish when I finally got slightly tired. It took forever to get to sleep again after that, but finally I did. To make matters worse, today is my long day–work and class from 8AM-8:40PM. I have a really large break in between my classes in which I normally nap if I’m sleepy but I fear that may be part of the problem with me not being able to sleep at night. If I cut out naps, especially naps which last more than 2 hours (@_@); maybe that will help.

Gah, I hate fighting against nature like this. I’m so tired of conforming to a “normal” schedule when my body clearly disagrees with that. I’m not sure what else to do other than deny myself naps until I can make myself so tired that I have to sleep at night. I don’t see that accomplishing much considering that won’t last too long…soon I’ll have one assignment or another that will keep me up until all hours of the night, and the whole thing will start again. *sigh*

That’s pretty much all that’s been on my mind recently…just wishing I could sleep (at appropriate times, anyhow). It’s not that I can’t sleep…I just can’t sleep during the “designated” time for which this activity is set aside. And it’s a dilemma for me when I realize I’m not going to be able to sleep…do I lay down anyhow and hope I’ll be able to sleep but lay awake staring at the ceiling, or do I sit up and do something useful with the time? I’ve been opting for the latter mostly but…geez, it’s frustrating! I hope this doesn’t continue indefinitely…

Edit: I did a little research and found info on Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome…I wonder if this is what I have?

I’m Hearing: The Smashing Pumpkins – The Everlasting Gaze

My body is simply insistent on being awake late at night and tired during the day. Last night, from 9:30 PM to 4:30 AM, I sat up crocheting and watching movies…I got through The Nightmare Before Christmas, Save the Last Dance, What Dreams May Come, and half of Edward Scissorhands before I basically forced myself to go to bed. I pretty much slept the entire afternoon away though, so that’s why I was so wide awake. During that monster of a nap, I had a dream that I met Jules and Geno in a high school cafeteria somewhere in Australia. The weird part was that one section of the cafeteria was clearly Australia, but once you went through a door, it became New York, which explains why and how Geno could have been there. It was a pretty cool dream though, and I was kind of annoyed when I woke up. (because I wanted it to continue…) :-)

This afternoon I went shopping with Brian and Jonathan and got more video games. I kept my spending under $50, which was a huge accomplishment, especially considering it was Preferred Customer weekend at Best Buy. Other than that, things have been pretty quiet. I thought about spending time painting this weekend but that idea was shot…when I wanted to paint it was already too late to go to the art building…oh well. It was nice not having any homework to do this weekend though…gave me a perfect excuse to just vege out.

All I can say is I’m pretty damned tired. I think I shall try out a few of my new (well, previously played) PS2 games and maybe chat a bit.

I’m Hearing: Third Eye Blind – Losing a Whole Year

Heehee…I just opened up my backpack to pull some CDs out and I found my DVD player’s remote. :-) I took the player with me to comp sci club last night so we could watch Swordfish and forgot to take the remote out when I got home. I’d better not lose that…

So lessee…yeah…more non-sleep last night, although that had nothing to do with insomnia…it was just me wanting to do 10 million things. Yeah, I was tired, but pfffft, I had stuff I wanted to do…like work on a design for another crocheted blanket. XD See, that’s one of the things I really like about myself…I have all these really unusual tastes and habits that someone who doesn’t know me well would find confusingly strange. I am reminded of a time earlier this semester when I was sitting on my couch watching a DVD and my CA (Community Advisor) came in and was like “Are you knitting?!” I simply laughed and explained that no, in fact, I was crocheting, but I was appreciative of her shock. :-) Like most people, she didn’t expect someone like me to have such a hobby, but when she got over the surprise, she was really excited about it and even asked me to make her a blanket with a giant cartoon tooth on it (she’s studying to be a dentist).

I really get a kick out of playing with other people’s expectations in that way…in a way, it’s like poking fun of stereotypes. Usually, the easiest one to play off of is the “girls don’t understand computers” idea, especially if I’m in a place like Best Buy. One time I was there with Brian and I wanted to buy a monitor. I was the one asking the sales dude all the questions, but he kept talking to Brian, as if I was just tagging along or something. In that instance, I could have just gotten pissed, but I found it rather amusing so I just went with it. Another time I was buying a new CD-RW and I didn’t want to get the overpriced bullshit in-store warranty dealie, and the sales guy wouldn’t accept that…he just kept trying to tell me that I was going to have to bring the thing in to get cleaned at least once a year, and that the parts were being made more cheaply so they would probably break, and yadda yadda yadda…I kept trying to explain to him that I’d already had a burner for like 2 or 3 years at that point and I’d never had to clean the damned thing…I think he was mainly disappointed that he was unable to pull a fast one on me…I simply laughed. Things like that happen to me on a somewhat regular basis, and it’s just somewhat gratifying to see someone’s eyes widen when realization dawns on them…like “Oh, I guess she does have some clue.”

Another one of my favorites is when I’m looking at video games. Most of the time, the majority of the people looking at PS2 games are teenage boys, so when I come into a store and look at the games seriously, I get some funny looks. A lot of the time they seem a little nervous that I’m there…like they are so unused to a female being there, interested in games, that they don’t quite know how to react. A lot of times if I talk to someone in this section of the store, they will fumble over their words or give me looks of confusion. I get this when I go in hobby shops too. It’s actually quite adorable in ways, but funny nonetheless.

Undeniably, all of this happens because I’m female, but things somewhat like this happen to me partly because of the way I dress or act…I had one guy who said to my face that I looked like a druggie. The guy was an asshole to begin with, but it still was interesting to me because a druggie is one thing I’m certainly not. While I do enjoy alcohol, I have never touched a drug stronger than Robitussin or aspirin, and have never smoked a cigarette. I have no intention of doing that either. I guess because I wear dark, baggy clothing and am an art student, somehow that means I’m a pothead. Well…no, not quite. :-) I just laughed at that guy too.

Another time I was sitting down in the lobby of my dorm with Jonathan watching anime on the big screen TV. I was wearing my t-shirt that says <body> on the front and </body> on the back, and we were both crocheting. (He was actually teaching me how to crochet at the time!!!) Then a guy came in and said, “Okay, how often do you see this–a chick wearing an HTML shirt watching anime and crocheting?” Again, laughter from me. XD I’ve also worked on my crocheting at a few Comp Sci Club meetings, but there they don’t question things much, which is cool.

…Suddenly I am reminded of a bumper sticker on my car that reads “You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same.” How very true.

Also, one thing that’s become clear to me is my position in most places in my life. Because of my interests, I am invariably a minority wherever I go. In almost every situation, I seem to be one of the only females, if not the only female. In most cases, I don’t even pay attention to this because I’m so used to it at this point. But sometimes, especially at Comp Sci Club meetings, someone will make a sexist comment and then feel odd or bad about it for a moment because I’m there…but the thing is…I don’t associate myself with “typical” females much. My hobbies and interests are more reserved for males, so typically when someone makes a comment like “Blah blah blah, those damned women, blah blah blah,” I am not offended in the least. I tend to disassociate myself with women in the sense that, yeah, there are “those women” grouped into their own category, and then there’s me alone (or mostly alone) in my own category: female with male interests. Of course, that’s not to say I don’t have feminine interests because I certainly do, but in general…I feel like I’m a lot more like the guys in my life, except for the fact that I’m attracted to them :-D I guess it’s safe to say I’m an exception to just about every rule…and that’s okay. A lot of good has come of this already, and I foresee I will have a great advantage over a lot of people because I’m quite diverse.

Recently I’ve thought a lot about Julesenrosey’s theory about finding your “soulmate.” They say that there are many people out there with whom you are very compatible…that any of these people have the potential to become “the one”…meaning you have several shots at finding someone who is perfect for you. More and more, this is starting to make a lot of sense to me. I’ve been watching people carefully, trying to pick out little signs that could indicate that the person is anything like me. Well, so far, not much luck, but that’s not surprising given how unusual I am. Until I met Jules, I never expected I’d find anyone who was as similar to me as he is, so when he explained this idea to me, it just made sense. There are others like me out there, but because of their nature, they are extremely hard to spot. I think when I finally find someone like me, I’m probably going to discover the similarities by pure accident, which is probably the best way for it to happen anyhow. I sometimes can pick up on a vibe from very special individuals (special in the sense that they are a little “unique,” that their attitude, clothing, sense of humor, interests, etc are not commonplace or mainstream)…it seems to me that a lot of these people wear black trench coats for some reason, (at least in the climate I live in)…

But anyhow…thus far this year, I have only discovered one new person that I get this vibe from, and he happens to be in one of my classes–I don’t know him very well, but I get this strong pull towards him whenever he’s in the room. (btw, in case you’re wondering, yes, Jules exudes this vibe like mad…so maybe it’s a radar or something–that I’ve spotted one of my own kind?) I find myself really drawn to these types of people…not necessarily in a romantic or sexual way (although sometimes) but in a familiar way, kind
of like in City of Angels when the fallen angels are able to recognize each other when they pass on the street. I don’t mean for this to sound egotistical in any way, but I do feel I’m special, different, unusual…and that these others are part of this select few who have these qualities…it’s really hard to explain. I don’t get this feeling very often, but when I do, it’s very striking and powerful. I guess another way to put it is that I don’t feel like I can relate to most people because I’m so different, but when I come across someone who is also not “normal,” something between us clicks on a subconscious level. Hmm, now that I think about it, I have only had a select few instances when this has happened with another female…almost without exception, it’s been with males. I guess that’s really not that surprising, though, considering I don’t have too much in common with most other females.

Hmmm, this entry has strayed quite a bit from where I intended to go with it…but that’s okay. :-) There are some other noteworthy things to add as well…such as… I got a 100% on my art history quiz after only about 1.5 hrs of studying. That was pretty lucky of me. Also, my painting professor and I seem to have reached an unspoken understanding about the nature of my art and working methods. He no longer questions my skill or knowledge and instead is beginning to encourage me to follow my instincts. Coming to terms with this has been a huge deal for me, and I think now that he’s stopped hounding me I’m a lot more confident and relaxed about things because I’m not questioning and second-guessing myself as I had been the past two months. Now that I’m getting used to him, I am discovering that he is actually not all that bad; in fact, he does have a decent sense of humor and is starting to poke fun at me more now instead of stoically insulting my talent and style. Because his words are now encouraging, I am no longer agitated by his loud speaking voice, and his scatter-brained-ness is more endearing than irritating. :-)

Speaking of which, the painting I’ve been working on is nearly complete, and it’s turning out quite nicely. Saying that I’m rather pleased with it would be an understatement. I am in love with it, (not as much as I’m in love with my “Persistence…” painting, but close) so that’s a really good sign. With my work, it’s obvious if I don’t care about what I’m doing…and in this case I think my passion for it is evident.

This should be a pretty good weekend coming up…don’t have too much to worry about since I turned in an assload of projects this past week. I have one paper due right before Thanksgiving, but I have a decent amount of time left to finish that. Maybe I’ll actually get some painting done…it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to paint on a weekend!

Oh, and hey, it’s pay day!!!!! :-D

I’m Hearing: The Smashing Pumpkins – Glass and the Ghost Children

A fairly good day overall. I had insomnia again last night…it was the third night in a row that I couldn’t sleep normally. I’d been kind of

struggling with my Composition essay the past two weeks or so, and today was the due date so I worked on it until completion, which was about 2 AM this morning. Amazingly enough, I’ve been able to wake up without too much trouble and make it through the day just fine…I think putting eyedrops in my eyes before I leave really makes a huge difference, plus there’s been all that Mountain Dew…

*yawn* Oh man…thinking about sleep is really making me tired. I think I’ll just call it a night and write more in the morning.

* ovaltine is now known as sleepy_ovaltine

I’m Hearing: Kabarofski – Yorii Gallop

Hmm, last night was a little strange for me. I met up with Jules on IRC but the tunnelling software was being really temeramental so I kept getting disconnected…very annoying. It was nice to talk to him though…I always enjoy that. I was kind of irritated at one point because I got disconnected and didn’t realize it, then when I finally came back online, he had left. Grr. Oh well…what can I expect with free software that I’m using to cheat the system? I’m actually quite grateful it works at all.

Anyhow…for whatever reason, I just couldn’t sleep last night. The fact that I took a really long nap in the afternoon before my night class probably was a huge factor in this, but it was nearly 4 AM before I got tired. =_= I really didn’t want to get up for painting class this morning but somehow I did it, and it was worth it because my professor once again complimented my piece. :-) In my composition class, we had a nice discussion on Boyz N the Hood and after that I went down to the Instructional Resource Center (the abbreviation of which, coincidentally, is IRC) to print off my design project. My design professor also runs this facility, and she has been talking with me about getting an internship there doing web design, so she gave me a tour of the work area and introduced me to some of the people who work there. It is a fun, laid-back, casual environment and the people there are really cool. I think I’d really enjoy working there. I guess if they decide they want to hire me, it’ll be in January, so I don’t know what’s going to happen with my internship at Miles Kimball, since they are currently working to get me transferred down to Creative Services. shrug Oh well…either thing would be just fine, although in all honesty I’d prefer to work at the IRC even though the pay is significantly less.

I saw The Ring this weekend with Brian. It was okay…the plot was really weak and so much was left unclear that it was rather disappointing, but the acting was fairly good, and the sequence with the video was actually pretty cool. The best part about the movie was watching the reactions of the other people in the theatre, who apparently aren’t as desensitized towards scary things as I am…the jumping and gasping at abrupt changes in the film among my fellow moviegoers was quite amusing to me. In all honesty, Silent Hill was way scarier than that movie.

Speaking of which, I finished the game on Friday night. I got the “Bad” ending (I won’t go into what that means as some people would rather not have it spoiled)…it was kind of sad that it ended so quickly, but I have four other endings to tackle now. :-) I actually finished this one in about 7 hours as opposed to the 11.5 hours it took to finish Silent Hill 2. That’s okay though. I bought Resident Evil: Code Veronica this weekend as well so I’ll have that to keep me occupied after I finish writing the essay I should be working on right now ^_^; I would have bought GTA: Vice City but of course it was sold out everywhere. Eh, that can wait. I’m not in any rush.

My brother came home for the weekend after being gone for about 3 months to college. It was cool seeing him again but I wish we would have had more time to hang out. I took him shopping on Saturday afternoon then had supper at home. Mom cooked scalloped potatoes and broccoli and it was about the best thing I’ve tasted in months. Then I went back to my dorm and spent all Saturday evening alone in my room, cleaning and putzing around. I made a conscious effort to work on my essay but was just not in the right mood to do anything constructive…I’m still not now, but it’s due on Thursday so I really have to get my ass in gear.

Also, I took my art history quiz on Monday, and I think I got a perfect (or near perfect) score on it. This was a huge accomplishment for me because I didn’t start studying until 1.5 hrs before the test. Usually Brian does flashcards with me, but when we got home from the movie on Sunday night it was too late to worry about that. The guy next to me cheated off my paper, but he gave me 2 yards of canvas in exchange for it! :-P I think that’s a fair trade, since the quizzes really aren’t worth very many points so it’s not going to matter in the scheme of things anyhow.

This also brings up an interesting observation I’ve made about myself in relation to this class and other things in life. One thing I do in order to study is to take pictures of the slides on the lighted board with my digital camera so I can print them off and make flash cards. Last semester I offered to upload them to my webpage for a few others to use, and soon I made this available for the whole class. People were so grateful for this that many of them offered to pay me for doing it, but I always politely refused. Accepting money for that never seemed like the right thing to do for many reasons–first of all, I was doing this for myself to begin with…the fact that I could share this with others without too much extra effort was no big deal for me…and secondly, I really do enjoy helping people…it makes me feel really good when someone can benefit from my help, and I feel guilty accepting things in return. Sometimes I don’t feel like I do enough for other people because I really am not a very good teacher, but I feel this drive to assist anyone who needs help, whether I
know what I’m doing or not. I can’t really explain why, but if I’m struggling with something by myself, I feel like a fool, but if I struggle with something while trying to help another person figure it out, I don’t feel weird. It’s the exact same situation, but for whatever reason, my brain separates the two things. Anyhow, this semester I photographed the slides for my own purposes, and someone asked me to put them up on my webpage again, so I did. People were once again unbelievably grateful. One woman in my class came up to me and gave me a hug and said “Thank you so much for doing that…you saved my ass.” It was extraordinary. I’m just happy that I can make a difference in someone’s life, even if it is in such a minor way like that.

Similarly, I feel this need to rescue people when they are in bad situations, and what I mean by that is when something is going wrong in the life of someone around me, I am compelled to urge them to talk to me about it. I just have this thing about trying to get people to tell me their troubles, as if I can do something to help them. Maybe that’s a little foolish or self-centered to think that I can make a situation better just by listening, but it’s just something I can’t help. When something is bugging me, I often have trouble finding someone who will listen to me, so occasionally it seems like this goes unreciprocated, but it only takes once to realize that that isn’t the case. I have a lot of people around me who are more than willing to listen, and it means a lot to me when they are there and allow me to pour my heart out.

And on a tangentally related topic, I’m not sure why I’m so frightened to speak in front of other people. In my art classes, often I will have discussions with several of my classmates at once, or even the whole class, but when asked to present something in front of the room, I freeze up and get nervous and unsteady. It’s not like anything has changed…I am still sharing my knowledge with a large group of people…just standing up in the front of the room rather than sitting. I guess it just comes down to the fact that I’m extremely self-conscious and have a terrible tendency to second-guess everything when under pressure or faced with a new situation. How can I be so divided though…to be poised and self-confident when seated among my peers but turn to jelly when standing in front of them? I don’t get it.

I’m Hearing: Foo Fighters – Have It All

Sheesh, it’s November already. Only a month and a half left in the semester…eeep! I have so much to get done between now and then! I really wish I had more time to paint…maybe the art building will be open during interim and I can go in and work, but if not, I’ll basically have to take about a month off from painting because I really don’t want to bring all those painting materials back to my room for that while, only to have to bring them back for the next semester. Oh well, maybe having that time off will be a good thing as it will give my ideas some time to percolate. I was smart this time around and signed up for another painting class for the spring so at least I’ll get to continue on with my ideas without too much of an interruption. I could work on paintings during any offtime I have but…y’know…there are just other things that come up. There isn’t a whole lot of incentive to do that whole set up and clean up process…it’s pretty much a matter of laziness more than anything.

Yesterday I forgot to mention a somewhat traumatic experience I had. Well, not really…actually it was very funny but it just scared the crap out of me. Well…there I was playing Silent Hill. I was waiting for Brian and Jonathan to come get me for supper, so I had my door open. I had the lights out, and I was sitting in my office chair with my back to the door, facing the TV. Well, just when I was least expecting it, a guy I knew pretty well sneaked into my room, smacked his hands down on my shoulders, and yelled, “Don’t go in there!” I screamed and leapt out of my chair, whipping around in his direction. I was so surprised I shoved him into the hall and started yelling at him. He was laughing so hard he could barely breathe, and my heart was pounding like mad. I was like, “Jake! That was the meanest thing you could have ever done to me!” I wasn’t really mad at all…just incredibly startled. :-) I was so involved in the game that I was completely oblivious to outside influences…much like what happens when I’m painting or reading. I just go into this whole other realm where nothing exists but me and what I’m doing. My mom has suggested that this is a form of meditation or astral travelling, but Jonathan insists it’s ADD, because as everyone knows, any aberration in attention span is due to ADD. :-D

Well, another weekend is here. I have plenty on my plate but only a few things I really want to do. Oh well. I’ll have at least some free time to work with.

Oh yeah, and I may be getting a new placement for my job (most likely within the same company), something more related to graphic design, which would be really cool. I kind of need a graphics internship to get credits toward graduation…

Ohhh, graduation…I only have a year left of school…then it’s….life…