I’m Hearing: KoRn – Thoughtless

Hmm…well…we’ve missed three days of actual painting in painting class now because of the presentations. This is a major annoyance to me…although it was cool listening to my fellow students talk about artists who have influenced them, I was rather upset that I couldn’t go and actually be influenced (in other words…to actually PAINT!) Luckily this afternoon my composition class let out early and I was able to go over to the painting studio and work for a couple hours before supper. When my stomach got the better of me, I left and grabbed a sub and ate it back at my room while chatting for awhile, then took a little nap, after which I decided to go back to the studio. :-) So I worked most of the night, leaving at about 11:45. I accomplished quite a lot today, more than I expected to at any rate. Typically when I’m painting from instinct as I am with this one, I tend to get stuck partway through and have great difficulty getting “unstuck”. Perhaps it’s the size of this one (being that it’s the largest painting I’ve ever done) or maybe the ideas are just below the surface anyway, but there have been very few barriers thus far. Everything just seems to be falling into place so perfectly it’s unbelievable.

Current Progress for painting:

From da left

From da right

(such a shame I can’t get the whole thing in one shot from head on…)

I was alone for most of the night…except for one moment when I was sitting back in a chair contemplating a change I had just made to the painting, when a voice interrupted me from off to the right. I was very startled and actually painted my pants on accident. :-D I talked to the guy for a little while…he had spent a little too much time in the computer lab and needed a break…but eventually he left and I was alone again. He appeared one more time later on with another guy I didn’t know as I was cleaning up for the night and he introduced me as “This is Ann Fox, going craaaazzzzy back here tonight.” Heh. Nice.

Then when I was walking back home, a dude in a black Mustang honked at me and slowed down. When I turned around, he pointed to his crotch and said “Hey! I’ll scratch–you sniff! WOOOOOO!” and then he squealed away. :-) Hahahaha. There are some real idiots around campus. I got a nice laugh out of that as I made my way home.

Oh! And speaking of painting pants… This evening during supper I looked down at my pants, which I noticed had some paint on them. They are a fairly crappy old pair of cargo pants with a huge tear up the back of the right leg and just well-worn all over the place, not to mention about 4 sizes too large for me. But they are extremely comfortable! Anyhow, the fabric is woven in such a way that it looks like canvas. Every time I look down at them, my first thought is always…”Hmm, if I put a little gesso (primer) on them, I could make a painting right on these pants.” The drive to paint them is so strong sometimes I have to force myself to crochet or something just so I leave them alone. O_O My first boyfriend had pants very much like these and I would always ask him if I could paint his pants…of course he thought I was insane…but I thought maybe he was just saying that. Well…I guess this really isn’t a normal thing to be thinking…I haven’t found a person yet who has ever had that thought cross their mind.

I guess that just goes to show how much painting is a part of me…how I have trouble separating it from even everyday life. In all honesty, a lot of times when I look outside and see something interesting, my immediate reaction is “How could I paint that? What sort of brush technique would I use to capture that realistically?” I remember back in middle school even, sitting in the chair at the orthodontist’s office while they were changing the rubber bands on my braces, looking up at the light fixtures and wondering how I could paint them. They were really quite interesting…they were normal flourescent lights but the outer structure was this cluster of cubes that refracted the light in a really unique manner. I was always intrigued.
The same thing applied to when I used to ride in the back seat of my parents’ car when it was raining outside. I’d look at the droplets of rain on the window and wonder, “How could I paint this?” I think I’ve looked at the world this way ever since I started painting when I was about 12…and until recently haven’t really considered that this is a very very unique way of viewing things.

In my own mind, I know I’m not insane. I realize I’m not “normal” in most ways, and I’m more than happy about that…but I wonder…since most people have no chance of understanding me…do they think I’m bananas? I mean, I could see how someone possibly might think that…but for real? I don’t know. :/ In the end, I guess it really doesn’t matter anyhow, but I still wonder.

I’m a bit sleepy right now, so perhaps I shall take a shower and go to bed.

Feeding the fall
I can’t help but desire of falling down this time
Deep in this hole am I making
I can’t escape
Falling all this time

We come to this place
Falling through time
Living a hollow life
Always we’re taking
Waiting for signs
Hollow life

Fearing to fall
And still the ground below me calls
Falling down this time
Ripping apart all these things I have tried to stop
Falling down this time

We come to this place
Falling through time
Living a hollow life
Always we’re taking
Waiting for signs
Hollow life

Is there ever any wonder
Why we look to the sky
Searching space
Asking why?
All alone
Where is God?
Looking down
We don’t know

We fall in space
We can’t look down
Death may come
Peace I have found
What to say
Am I alive?
Am I asleep
Or have I died?

(Haunting me)

We fall in space
We can’t look down
Death may come
Peace I have found

(Something takes a part of me)

What to say
Am I alive?
Am I asleep?
We fall down

We come to this place
Falling through time
Living a hollow life
Always we’re taking
Waiting for signs
Hollow life

I’m Hearing: American McGee’s Alice – Floating on the Wings of Steam

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my god! I can’t even begin to describe what is going on right now…all I know is that I’m bursting at the seams. This weekend has been proof that what I’m doing with my painting is right and is valid and relevant to my life and my development as an artist. I am convinced that this painting is going to be a turning point for me…there is something wild and energetic and ALIVE going on with the idea and I have never been this excited about anything in my entire life. This intensity that I’m feeling right now goes beyond any emotion or word that I can think of… It’s like I’m so overwhelmed with feelings of “good” and “right” and “perfection” that I almost can’t take it, and I randomly cry out, laugh, and giggle with glee just because if I don’t, I feel like I could explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is as close I have ever been to what I imagine ecstasy (the emotional state, not the drug) to be like. I truly and honestly believe that. This is real, this is right, and this is IT. This is what I’ve been struggling over for months, and for all I know, maybe even years. I’ve felt like there was this huge idea inside me and it was only a matter of time before it finally came to the surface. I think THIS IS IT!

I’ve come to believe that the staleness and dullness and uninspired attitude of this past summer was in large part due to my subconscious working on these problems, trying to find the perfect way to bring these ideas to my conscious attention. If I had been creating during that entire time, I would not have had the energy or willpower to work on these larger, deeper, more meaningful ideas; even your subconscious needs a rest sometimes, eh? I think I also needed this period of doldrums in order to appreciate this unbelievable inspiration that I’ve been getting hit with full force recently. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank the higher power for all I’ve been given. I feel so incredibly lucky and really feel that I’m blessed. Without divine intervention, none of these ideas would ever happen the way they do.

Anyhow…I’ve spent a lot of my childhood and early adulthood borrowing heavily from other artists or famous works of art, and in some cases outright copying them. I’ve always been taught that copying from master works is great practice….as long as you don’t claim the work as your own and use it for financial gain, of course. One thing that has bothered me for some time now is that I hadn’t had a truly original idea where all of the imagery and subject matter was completely from my own imagination. Nothing was totally mine. Sure, I put my own twist on these things a lot of the time, but I never was satisfied. I often worried that I would never be able to come up with an original idea for the rest of my life. I guess at some point I must have stopped worrying about it, because now as I paint, that is no longer a concern. I find myself looking for tons of resources to assist me in creating imagery, and have noticed that it is being encouraged by many of my teachers. Perhaps I’ve heard it said enough that nothing is truly original anymore, that everything has been done in one form or another…or that artists borrow from each other all the time…so that I don’t concern myself with that…I don’t know. I guess it really doesn’t matter anyhow. The point is, though, that right now I feel that I’ve found my place…my in-between area where I find inspiration from outside sources to create new and original ideas within my own viewpoint. I think that’s what I’ve always been looking for, and now I feel that I’ve found it, and am very comfortable there. Perhaps that is why I feel this is all so right.

So anyhow, as far as these feelings of “rightness” are concerned, it’s only fair to explain the number of “coincidences” that have occurred over the past week or so that have led me to believe that there may be more than my own brain behind this creative process. First off, in case you don’t know, I am working on a painting of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. I first became aware of the idea in its infant stage back in early August, I think…(I’m currently searching my IRC logs to find the exact moment I first thought of it…) when I said in the IRC channel that I would like to do a painting of the Cheshire Cat. Now, like any person of my age, I had some fleeting exposure to the story of Alice in Wonderland…I knew the basic story and was familiar with the characters even though I had never read the story. I’d played American McGee’s Alice almost all the way through and had really enjoyed it (I had even bought some collectible figures of some of the characters including Alice, the Cheshire Cat, and the Mad Hatter) I even had a copy of the story which I gave away to Goodwill at one point, even though my conscience was screaming at me to keep it. For some reason, I just ignored it, and I still don’t know why. Anyhow…I’m going off track again…

I had intended to use the three panels of this triptych for the “Fullscreen/widescreen” idea that I’ve been puzzling over for so long, but nothing ever came of that. The canvases had been left blank for weeks, just sitting there, taunting me. Ever since the day I conceptualized the idea of doing a triptych, I KNEW that that was going to be THE idea. I just knew it. I felt it inside me…and that idea was just there below the surface. If you look back at my entry on October 4, you’ll see just what I mean. It was always THERE, I just had to uncover it. So when I was conceptualizing the actual idea for the Cheshire Cat painting, I was envisioning it on a smaller (2.5′ x 4′) canvas. The idea would have worked just fine on that size/aspect ratio, and that was the intention. I even did a quick contour line drawing of a grinning cat on a canvas that size, but it didn’t seem *right*. I couldn’t bring myself past that initial drawing stage, and I wasn’t sure why until two days later. I was at work talking to Jules about this, and he was helping me come up with ideas about the cat itself, when suddenly the concept for the piece came to me. As I sat there typing to him, it all unfolded, and then BOOOOOOOM!!!!, it just hit me…THIS is what belongs on the triptych!!!!! Nothing has ever felt that right to me. So yeah, that day, I said “screw it” and just began painting immediately. Heh. And the rest of that day was covered in the entry for that particular Wednesday. :-)

Ah yes, so anyhow…the coincidences. Well…because Jonathan was gone hunting with Dave this weekend, there was no roleplaying this week. Brian and I decided to make Friday night “Project Night” in which we each went off and worked on our own stuff. That was probably the best idea we could have had…I went to the art building and spent 6 hours in the painting studio. I didn’t work on the painting the entire time though, because what I’m calling “Phase II” didn’t happen until about 2 hours into the time I was there. I worked on various things around my area of the studio, listening to the soundtrack to the Alice game interspersed with KoRn – Untouchables for good measure. I was doing some physical brainstorming on both paper and canvases, and then finally I had a breakthrough that allowed me to move on from the stalemate that had caused my Thursday night to be a tearful and frustrating evening. (which, of course, was not helped by watching that emotional episode of Will and Grace plus a heightened emotional state due to PMS!!!!….during those times I don’t get whiny or bitchy…I just cry sometimes!) But I got that same feeling that I got when the idea first struck me, although it wasn’t nearly as intense. I squealed with joy and just attacked the canvas. I went home at about 2:15 AM smiling and feeling fabulous, although stinking and tired. I took a shower and went to bed.

btw, here are some pictures I’ve taken so far of my progress…because somehow I keep forgetting to post them here… (they aren’t much to look at right now, just so you know before you’re disappointed! :-)

Day 1, about 3 hours work

Friday night, as seen from left…about 3 hours work

Friday night, as seen from right

That night during supper I had talked to my parents quite a bit about the painting and all that I was feeling because of it, and of course my mother spent a decent amount of time thinking about it. When I got up the next morning….which wasn’t actually morning, since it was 2:30 on Saturday afternoon…I checked my email and discovered the first coincidence. My mom had written me a note to say that the Disney animated version of Alice in Wonderland was going to be on TV at that very moment. What perfect timing! I turned on the TV and watched the entire movie, then called her to thank her. I spent most of the day crocheting while I was watching the movie, then I went home to my parents’ house for supper. When I came back to my room, I sat down and watched The Matrix because it was assigned as a movie for analysis in my composition class. I had forgotten just what a huge part of that movie referred back to Alice in Wonderland and found the parallels simply delightful. After that was over, it got me in the mood to watch other things that I knew had been inspired by Alice including two X-Files episodes (“Paper Hearts,” a direct correlation to the story, and “Avatar,” which I related to the title of my painting, but had nothing to do with the story). I then polished the night off with Anna and the King which had absolutely nothing to do with Alice but is a beautiful love story. :3 heehee. It was 4:20 AM when I finally went to bed.

THEN…tonight…I watched The Dead Zone, which has already become one of my favorites…and in the last 5 minutes of the show, I experienced the second strong pull of the coincidence that I really don’t believe is a coincidence at all. The main character was in the hospital (for reasons I won’t get into) and a teenage girl that he had helped in the episode came to visit him with a book from her childhood. (Can you see where I’m going with this???) …And yes, she pulled out Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and began reading it to him. A sound that I can only describe as pure joy escaped my lips and I started laughing and thrashing around with excitement…I almost couldn’t contain myself. When I went to brush my teeth, I looked at my reflection in the mirror, and my eyes were just GLOWING with exhilaration and I had trouble keeping the toothpaste in my mouth because I couldn’t stop smiling. I even made another sound of joy, like this crazy little giggle that I couldn’t contain, and I was glad no one else was in there with me because surely they would have thought that I’d lost it…and maybe I have…a little…? XD When I exited the bathroom stall, I didn’t simply walk…I skipped over to the sink. :-D heh. I am SUCH A GOOF!

It’s about 2 AM right now as I type this and I’m simply overflowing with creative energy and excitement. I really can’t channel this into anything other than the painting because if I do, the intent will be lost and the experience will be impure. Since it’s so late, I can’t get into the art building right now to work on the painting, and besides, I have to be up at 6:30 so I can be to work on time…ack…why must real life interfere with this??? And what is this anyhow? Why isn’t this real life? In my mind, this is what matters, and all the other “normal, everyday” stuff that most people consider life is just something secondary to me, that the rest of the world does because they don’t have anything especially interesting to do instead. shrug I never want to be a normal person, living out an ordinary existence like that. I think I would die of boredom. And I don’t even say that in jest…my life would not be worth living if I could not create, because that is who I am!

Hmmm…I keep thinking back to the times when the moments of inspiration for this painting have struck…YES, literally, STRUCK….me. They have almost always occurred at work, when I was chatting in IRC and working on boring, mindless busywork. My mind does really wander when I’m not doing something stimulating, and I guess these times are when the best ideas come about. I’m thinking of posting a link to some of these particular chats where the ideas have struck me so others can see just what happened, but I’d really like to get permission from the people I was chatting with at the time before I do that…so if I’ve talked with you about this painting and you’re reading this (Jules, Ross, Fet, Stormer, Daniel, pookies, etc) is that okay with you? The pure energy and life that pours out of those words are indescribable unless you were actually there. It’s something that I doubt I could recreate.

On Friday night I decided that painting was the one thing in my life that I most enjoy doing. I have gotten more joy and reward with the ideas, the process of painting, and the final product than with anything else in my life…and the fact that this current project has caused me to experience ever increasing feelings of happiness makes me more sure of this every moment. Being able to say that THIS is the happiest
moment of my life at one time, then an hour later being able to say, no, THIS is the happiest moment of my life is simply astounding to me, and something I am so unbelievably grateful for. I’ve always expected that the only way I’d ever feel this way is if I found my soulmate and lived happily ever after, and now that I see that I can find this happiness from within myself, that only perpetuates these feelings of delight and makes me feel better about myself, and makes me feel like my work has true worth, not just in and of itself (the physical product that’s produced) but in its effect on me while I’m conceptualizing and working on it. I’ve found my meaning in life now…and wow…I can allow myself to be happy now.

ALL I EVER WANTED IN LIFE WAS TO FIND MEANING. And I have. I finally have. Anything that happens now is gravy.

Sure, I’d still like to find a guy to share my life with, but now I know I can get on well enough on my own…so when that happens, it happens. Sooner would be better than later, but I have had enough experience now that I can afford to be choosy without feeling like I’m missing out on something simply because I’m single. I want to be with someone who understands me, someone who really feels the same as I do…who doesn’t just “sympathize” or pretend to understand when they obviously don’t. There’s nothing worse than getting into one of these really cool, exciting moods, an Artistic High, where I’m dancing and laughing and expressing my joy, and having the other person look at me like I belong in a mental institution. I’ve had that happen on more than one occasion, so it’s not like this is something that I’m just pulling out of my ass. It’s a terrible feeling…I feel like something is wrong with me, and I get really self-conscious. This is why I’ve learned to keep these types of things to myself, especially in public, because that’s not how a “normal” person is supposed to act. You scare people when you act that way, because it’s not “the norm.” I’ve only ever really felt comfortable being “myself” in front of my family and in front of Brian. Brian does give me the “Ohhhhkay, you’re insane” look quite often, but I think he’s at least used to this behavior out of me by now. He may think I’m crazy, but that’s okay because I know he doesn’t make character judgements based on that. He’s a very understanding guy, which is why I’ve been able to maintain such a close friendship with him after we decided to break up. I really consider him one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and I will probably always be close to him in one way or another.

One line from Anna and the King that I really relate to is after Anna has met the king in a non-traditional, non-protocol manner that startled him a bit, he says to her “Husband must have been verrrrry understanding.” Heh. Everytime I watch that, I think to myself, whoever I end up spending my life with will have to be verrrrrrrrrrrry understanding as well or we’ll never get along. I can be a difficult person to put up with, especially if the person I’m dealing with has little patience. I kind of think of myself as an “acquired taste.” I think I sort of “grow on” people. That’s okay though…it kind of leaves me a little strange and mysterious…and all the more special because so few people really, truly, understand me. :-)

I’m Hearing: KoRn – One More Time

Haven’t had much time to paint recently and I think it’s wearing on me. I’m kind of stuck as to what I’m going to do with the Cheshire Cat painting right now…I got ahold of the annotated version of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass which I’ve been reading a bit for background and inspiration. There’s an amazing depth to those stories that you’d never guess. At any rate, I’m also itching to play the computer game American McGee’s Alice which I never actually finished. I got really close…like to the very last level…and then got sucked in by the Diablo II expansion pack. Mayhaps it’s time to get that out again…even though I should really finish Grandia II first…

Did my presentation on Giger this week in painting class. I had to defend him quite a bit, but basically the speech I gave was the same speech I’ve given about 30 times to people when they ask why I’m so inspired by his work. It wasn’t too hard…and I’m pretty sure I got an “A.” I also got my paper on Precious the poodle from The Silence of the Lambs back with a big fat “A” on the top, thank god. I really struggled with that one…I wasn’t even sure it was worthy of anything higher than a C. But my English professor told me she thought I should be an English major because my ideas were “brilliant.” ^_^ That’s the second time someone said that to me recently so I must be doing something right…

Mmm, very tired again today. I kind of had a rough night last night, for no apparent reason. I was just…melancholy. As embarrassing as this might seem, I’m going to mention it anyhow because I’m really just a huge sap. I taped Will and Grace last night, and it was the 100th episode where Grace gets married. Omigod, by the end of that, I was sobbing like a little girl. “It’s just a sitcom!” you say. Well, yeah. I just got a little involved in it, that’s all. But anyhow, after that, the rest of the night had that kind of cast over it…I was emotional as ever. Talking to friends on irc helped a bit but when I got up this morning, things were about the same, except I was even more tired. I think I just need to attack my paintings tonight and that will be the cure-all. Jonathan is gone hunting with Dave this weekend so we aren’t roleplaying…I’m going to take the time to catch up with my artwork.

Yaaay, some new tubes of paint came in the mail today, so I’m no longer deprived of brown hues anymore. :-D Until I ordered those paints, I never realized just how much brown I actually use in my paintings. It’s very bizarre actually, because my finished work rarely has a whole lot of brown visible…but I do use an awful lot of it in my underpainting, which is something I’ve only been experimenting with this semester. I’ve found my work is a little looser and less constricted if I simply paint directly rather than drawing it out in pencil first. I’m still as anal as ever, but at least things are a bit more uniform rather than sectioned off by object, if that makes any sense.

I’m still toying around with the idea of switching out my defunct photography major with a painting major. I’ll still stick with graphics as a major, of course, but do I want to be a painting major???? Without a doubt, painting is one of the top 3 things I enjoy doing (the other two being playing on my computer and/or PS2 and crocheting) but I don’t know whether the magic of this will disappear if I put that much pressure on myself. I still have time to decide…

I’m Hearing: Silence

You know how sometimes you might lose 15 minutes or sometimes an hour when you aren’t really paying attention? Well, today I lost an entire week. It turns out that the art history quiz I thought was yesterday is really a week from yesterday. =_= Grrr. I was so concerned about it that I took the day off of work, slept in a little to be well-rested, printed off all my slides, and drank a 32 oz Mountain Dew in preparation only to show up at class and have an hour and a half of lecture. Ieeeeeeeeeeeeee! Ah well, all is not lost, though, as I spent my time wisely and memorized the majority of the slides. So at least I’ll be well-prepared next week.

When I wasn’t freaking out about my quiz, I was once again quite happy. There have been so many instances in the last week where I’ve felt so wonderful, so good about everything that I feel like I’m about to explode. Never before in my life have I ever felt anything near this, and I am so unbelievably happy with nearly every aspect of my life. I’m no longer sad about being single…as a matter of fact, it doesn’t bother me much at all now. People are starting to draw towards me with this new light that’s shining from me, and I’ve been noticing that people are talking to me more and generally interacting with me in a more positive light. This just feeds my good attitude and it keeps perpetuating itself. And just to think, all it took was the breakthrough last Wednesday when I came up with my Cheshire Cat concept. I knew all along that this was going to be the ultimate idea…I was just waiting desperately for it to manifest itself…and finally IT DID!!!!! :-D

I have to give a 10 minute slide lecture on HR Giger tomorrow…well, actually today…in painting class. I’m mostly prepared for it, but I still am a little nervous about getting up in front of class and talking. That’s something that I’ve never been comfortable with, and I doubt I ever will be. That’s just part of my personality though, and there isn’t a whole lot that I can do about that.

I spent most of tonight after class playing Grandia II. It’s a little bit lame, but kind of addicting…I lost a good 4 hours tonight playing that thing… And speaking of which, it’s about 1:15 AM and I really should be in bed right now… Perhaps I’ll be rewarded with another doozy of a dream…

I’m Hearing: The hum of my computer

Okay…another crazy dream.

It was the weekend on campus and typically everyone goes home or off in other directions, i.e. everyone pretty much leaves, so the parking lots are usually pretty vacant. I went to park my car in one of the smaller but busier lots because it was closer to my building than most of the others. For some reason, I had parked the car nearly perpendicular to the lines, across two spaces, and I only noticed this once I got out of the car and looked back at it. (Also, my car was somehow not my car as I know it in real life–it had transformed into a silver convertible BMW-type car.) So I looked at the guy who was standing next to me and told him I was going to re-park the car so it was in the spot straight. He looked at me and started saying “No, no don’t do that!” but it was too late. I got in the car and had to back up and go forward several times before it was straight, but even then it wasn’t quite perfect, so I gave it a little extra gas but that was too much, as the car flew backwards into several other cars. Whoops. I was uninjured and the other cars were okay, but I think I pushed the car back into its spot by brute force instead of actually driving it.

I went for a walk and then went back to my room for awhile, and then I needed to use my car again. But when I got back to where I parked it, it was nowhere to be seen. In its place, and in the place of many many other cars, were a large number of silver motor homes (the trailer kind that latch onto the back of a truck) in a semicircle around an inner semi-circle of folding chairs. I asked someone what happened to my car, and they told me there was something important going on and I should be quiet and stay away. But I wasn’t having any of that, so I moved closer. All of the folding chairs were occupied by men in military outfits and there was a stage up front that they were all facing. On stage was Austin Powers, explaining some kind of military tactics to them for the secret service. I demanded to know where my car was, and one of the guys off to the side escorted me over to the edge of the parking lot and told me my car had exploded and it was now in the hazardous waste dump becuase it was toxic. I was very confused…how could my car be toxic? The guy told me it was because of some of the things I was carrying in the trunk and the back seat. So I told the man to take me to the junkyard so I could see for myself.

My dad and brother met us at the junkyard and the other man showed me what had happened to the car (which had now shifted back to the blue Pontiac that I own in real life.) Apparently the crash had caused an explosion in the rear of the car. The guy went to the trunk and pulled out a scorced 486 computer and held it up for us to see, then went in the back seat and got out two more which were still smoking. “This is why it’s toxic,” he explained. I rushed over to the passenger side of the car and began digging through the glove compartment for things I wanted to salvage. Everyone kept telling me to get away because it was dangerous, but I managed to get a bunch of things out, including my stereo, so I was somewhat happy about that. Then we left and Dad took my brother and I home.

At home, I my brother went into the livingroom to play with some toys he’d bought at Spencer’s Gifts. One thing he had was a pair of “Scanner Shorts.” They basically looked like bubble wrap, and when he shone a laser pointer at them for long enough, the inside of them lit up red and started flashing. He thought they were really funny. Dad told me I now was supposed to buy a new car since the old one was no good. I was a little upset because I didn’t have any money to buy a car but he said it would be easy enough to get a loan. Suddenly I realized I had forgotten the remote control for my car stereo in the glove compartment of the ruined car, but Dad asked me if I ever used it, and I thought about it and told him no. He asked me if I would like to go out and look at cars that afternoon and I said “Sure, why not?” I was kind of excited to be picking out my own car because I hadn’t been along when my parents picked up my other car. My dad sighed and told me they’d missed their 2:00 appointment with the dog people because of the explosion; apparently my family was going to get a puppy. My brother came in with a drawing of puppies that he’d done in anticipation of the new dog: they were cute, child-like drawings even though my brother is 19 years old, and one even showed a dog like Santa’s Little Helper from the Simpsons, who was wearing a white cape with the number 52 printed on the back in black. I felt bad that they had missed their appointment because of me.

Well, that’s it. I have a ton of stuff to do today…I even decided to call in to work this morning so I could study, so I should get going on that. Once again, I simply wanted to record this before any of it slipped my mind.

I’m Hearing: The Microphones – I Want Wind to Blow

I don’t remember exactly how this began or how I even knew this would work, but I was talking to Jules online and we discovered that there was a portal between my bedroom at my parents’ house in Wisconsin and his bedroom at home in Australia. I was really excited about it because that meant I’d be able to talk to him in real life without having to travel back and forth by plane. I was a little unclear on how it was supposed to work, but he knew exactly what to do, so he got his side all prepared, then instructed me on how to fix up my side. I had to cut a vertical slice down the wall from the ceiling to the floor and attatch handles on the right and left sides of the cut so I could pull the wall apart. Once I had my side ready, I pulled with all my might, and the wall slid away from the cut in two pieces. The area between the two sections of wall was glowing at first, then as they slid apart, I could see Jules across from me in his room, behind a shimmering and glowing barrier. It sort of resembled the portal in Stargate, except not that large and had fewer ripples on its surface. Unlike Stargate, it was an instant portal, almost like walking through a very thin membrane of energized water. I was so thrilled I didn’t know what to do. I stuck my hand through first, and it only felt a little tingly, so I put my head through and I was able to see everything clearly and say hi to Jules before I got scared and pulled back. My fear lay in the fact that my parents would not approve of me portaling myself to Australia through the wall plus I don’t have any of the paperwork necessary for me to even be in Australia. Also, I was a little afraid of not wanting to come back once I was there, because I was fairly certain that I’d never want to go back through the portal once I was in Australia, and I didn’t even know if the portal would work from the other side. Jules must have had the same fear of crossing over into the US, because he stayed on his side too.

So anyhow, we continued to talk to each other on our computers, which were situated in front of the divide in the wall, so we could see each other, but we weren’t actually in each other’s environments. I was really careful to keep this from my parents…for some reason, I was really scared about them finding out, like it was something to be punished for. Then something happened to my brother and he needed to get away from trouble so I grabbed him and pulled him into my room and said, “Here, you’re going to Australia. You’ll be safe there.” I opened up the wall and stuck my head inside. Somehow the portal had changed on Jules’ end and he was in the backseat of a car, traveling somewhere. When he saw me pop through, he quickly opened the door. I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and told him to please take care of my brother for a week until the problem on my end cooled off. He was very understanding, and moved to the other side of the car to give my brother room. I pulled back into my world, and grabbed my brother by the collar and tossed him though. Just as this happened, I heard my parents coming down the hall so I quickly shut the portal. They asked where Joe went and I found it really difficult to lie to them about where he was. I knew I had been acting strangely ever since I’d discovered the portal, and they suspected that something was up.

So the better part of a week went by and I mainly talked to Jules through the computer…I didn’t dare open up the portal. Then overwhelming guilt began to set in as my parents began talking to the police about the whereabouts of my brother, so I told them what I’d done. They were very upset and told me to get him back at once. So I opened up the portal, which was back at Jules’ bedroom again. It was 2PM in Australia at the time, so no one was in the bedroom. I wasn’t sure what to do, and I told my parents this. My dad looked at me sternly and said that once I got my brother back I was to seal up the portal immediately. I looked back at the portal and was about to do something when the phone rang in real life and woke me up. :/

Well, I can’t explain the meaning behind this dream but I can explain why I was in this kind of state of mind…I saw the new Harry Potter movie last night and then just before I went to bed I played about an hour and a half of Grandia II. I had an overdose of fantasy before bed, methinks.

Ah well, I have lots of things to do today and it’s already getting kind of late, so I should get at them. I just wanted to get this down before any of it slipped my mind.

I’m Hearing: KoRn – Thoughtless

I don’t think there’s much of a chance of me changing my sleep schedule in an attempt to “fix” myself…I tried it once this week and it was just…icky. Maybe I haven’t made a decent enough effort yet but I really did not like it at all. Yes, I felt well-rested when I woke up the next morning…I had lots of energy and I even ate breakfast. But I felt like something was missing…there was a real empty feeling permeating me. The reason behind this was because I went to bed at 10PM the previous evening…therefore I basically had time to shower and change before I went to bed. I did not do anything creative or talk to anyone online, and I really felt like I was getting gypped. So needless to say, I decided I would rather go through life tired and fulfilled than well-rested and empty. Is that logical? Well, to me it is, so that’s all that really matters. I may not lead the healthiest life I could, but I’m happy. That’s the important thing.

I can safely say that Wednesday was the happiest day of my life. I dove right into that painting and worked steadily for about 3 hours until the fumes started to get to me. But…wow…I felt so alive and in touch with…everything around me. I smiled giddily all day, and many people commented on how I was glowing. It was a spectacular feeling, and one that I’ve never felt with such intensity before. I was astounded, really, that my work and the creativity pouring out of me could make me so blissful. I only wish everyone could feel just a fraction of what I have felt…I think people’s perspectives would shift dramatically…but the thing is, I think most people would be blown away by the intensity and wouldn’t be able to handle it well. Me? Well, I thrive under the influence of intense emotion. I live for it, actually. So I guess it’s no surprise that I lay awake for several hours that night thinking about things…smiling the whole time. :-)

So anyhow….this feeling followed a bit into Thursday. It wasn’t nearly as intense, but still there, permeating my day. I got to see the visiting artist (Don Reitz) throw pottery for several hours, which was highly enjoyable, and then there was CS Club. Brian and Jonathan thought my smiling was a little creepy, and I guess I don’t blame them since it’s not my normal disposition to have a gigantic smile on my face constantly throughout the entire day.

Yeah, I’m still happier than ever today despite being very tired. I think that’s part of who I am though, who I am comfortable being. Tiredness and sleeplessness is a part of me. I guess I can appreciate that more than some can…

mmmmmmmm…life is good.

I’m Hearing: KoRn – Hollow Life (on repeat)

Happy birthday, Dad! My dad turns 50 today…wow, how time does fly.

Hmm, this morning I had an interesting dream. I was at a dinner party hosted by HR Giger. We were at a really long table, and it was a formal affair because everyone was dressed up really nicely. He was wearing a tux, and was several years younger than he is now…he looked exactly how he did in the pictures from when he won an Oscar for his work in Alien. So he stood up to give a toast. His girlfriend, Li Tobler, was sitting next to him, also dressed up. Giger’s toast was very strange…it included statements about how he and his girlfriend each had a separate half of the house that was their own. She didn’t look very happy, but soon looked downright pissed when he called her his “sibling.” I was impressed because Giger’s English was very clear and understandable…I had always thought he’d have a really strong accent. Then I woke up…the dream was very short because it was between rings of my alarm clock. :\

o_O Omigod…just as I was typing this, a brilliant idea struck me! It was another one of those where my whole body was positively buzzing with excitement…I probably would have given off static charges if someone touched me. Anyway, I’ve been trying to work out a concept for a painting centered on the Cheshire Cat, but haven’t had a satisfactory idea…or really any at all until about 1/2 hour ago. I don’t want to say too much about it yet since I haven’t even started it yet…but I’ve finally found a use for the three canvases I set up as a triptych!!!!

Oh man, I am soooooooooo excited about this now…if I can get it to work out the way I’m envisioning it, it will be spectacular!!!! I really do need to thank Jules for helping me brainstorm for this piece…I don’t know if the idea would have come to full fruition without him…..thankyouthankyouthankyou….I owe you so much! I bet you really got a kick out of how exhuberant I became within that couple of minutes when the idea was forming, didn’t ya Jules? XD hahahahaha! I can be a real goof sometimes… <:3

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* Pardon me while I become a puddle of dripping goo…

I can’t wait to paint.

I’ll write a little about Jules in here. Never in my entire life have I ever met anyone to whom I am so drawn. I don’t know…whenever I log on IRC, I do so with the hope that maybe, just maybe he’ll be online. There may be a number of factors that contribute to the strong feelings I have for him, some of which I am not certain of. What I am sure of, though, is that I totally and completely love him. I feel no hesitation there–the only hesitation I do feel enters when I wonder whether voicing this love is appropriate given the situation.

First off, is it okay for me to tell him I love him when I don’t understand the nature of my love? Sometimes I feel like he is my soulmate because we are so eerily similar, it’s almost like one soul in two bodies. I feel like he is the only person who could ever understand me or appreciate who I am. But when I consider the idea of being together with him in a romantic sense, sometimes I feel like that’s all I could ever want in life, while other times I think, “I could never date him; it would be like dating my brother.” That’s true in a sense–it’s like I’ve known him forever and he knows me deep down on a level no one else ever has. Basically, the fact that he is dating Rosey and is so in love with her is a necessary barrier. I’m not sure what I’d be doing or feeling right now if he were single.

Once when I was talking to him about loneliness, he told me something to the effect of “I would enjoy being with you, were that how things were, and I say that honestly,” which translated means that if he had not found Rosey and he and I were in the same location, he would be happy to date me, to hold me, to love me in a romantic sense. When he said that to me, there was no question in my mind that he understands how much I do love him, but it also showed that he loves me just as much. I kind of hold back about expressing just how much I love him because I’m not certain where the line is. He has a little more flexibility on his end because he is the one in the loving and devoted relationship and he can decide what is appropriate to express. I can tell he’s been kind of testing the waters a little, expressing his feelings little by little and paying close attention to my reaction, basing his next action on my previous response. Things began somewhat slowly, with him giving me <hux>, then eventually outright telling me that he loved me, followed by his comment about “how things are,” and more recently, <huxkizz>. When he says these things, I’m never really sure how to react. Without a doubt, I feel the same way about him, but…do I express this back? If so, with how much excitement? Are these comments appropriate given he is dating another girl? I tend to be a bit uncertain of how to answer these comments. He amazes and flatters me with comments, but should he really be saying those things? I don’t know.

When it comes to Jules, I’m kind of confused. In all honesty, I love him with all of my heart. I have never ever met anyone who comes close to the extraordinary person he is, and never anyone who is as similar to me as he is. He is the person I am most excited to see and talk to, and I am happiest talking to him. Really, there is nothing I’d rather do than interact with him. Because I am working on a rather involved hand-made gift for him, I am spending an extra amount of time thinking about him. There’s a pretty huge chance that I will never get a chance to meet him–after all, he lives about as far away from here as is physically and geographically possible, and the poor guy has medical problems that keeps him somewhat housebound. But I think if he and I were to ever meet, I’d never be able to let him go. Ack, I have never felt so strongly connected to another person in my entire life!

I wonder how our relationship will evolve over time–after all, I’ve only known him for a little over 3 months! But this connection was apparent from the first time I talked to him. I look up to him, admire him, find him to be a spectacular individual. The fact that he feels similar things for me really makes me feel special–it means a lot to me because the idea that someone so wonderful feels so positively towards me (who, in fact, loves me) is extraordinary. I feel very lucky. Also, he is very well-liked and respected, but he respects me.

So one other thing to consider is his relationship with Rosey and how I feel about that. This kind of puzzles me and I’m not quite sure what to think about my reaction. To put it simply, I find their relationship incredibly beautiful and inspirational. I really like Rosey and think she’s a great person, a very lucky person. Their love story is phenomenal in a way I can’t even begin to describe. The thing that confuses me is this: Why am I not jealous? That is the truth–I’m not jealous of Rosey like I think I should be. WHY?! She has exactly what I want, after all! A beautiful, wonderful, spectacular boyfriend who loves her deeply and without question, and Australian to boot, as well as living in a fun and warm environment surrounded by Aussies. This is everything I’ve ever dreamed about, so why is it that I love Rosey rather than dislike her out of envy??? My personality is such that I SHOULD dislike her because she has the life that I want…but I don’t!!! This is one of the most confusing things I’ve ever dealt with. Sometimes when I think about Jules there is nothing I would rather do than give him a huge hug and cover him in kisses. I am head over heels for this guy in a way I have never loved anyone before. Everything about my relationship to him feels right. Everything is in its right place. So maybe I’ll never meet him, and maybe I’ll have to keep contact with him only through IRC…but maybe that’s enough. I just wish I weren’t so damned tired.