“Unruhe” means “unrest” in German. This is something I learned from watching an X-Files episode
of the same title. The reason I mention this is because this is how I’ve been feeling this past week (generally speaking). It’s been quite
a rollercoaster of emotions, the intensity of which is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I can’t really describe it as bipolar necessarily
because it’s been a sliding scale of ups and downs, instead of being a drastic shift from one extreme to the other.

This mainly began last Friday, when I had my major breakthrough. That was the highest high I’ve ever felt. I was trapped at work when I
realized this, so it was majorly frustrating. I also reached the lowest point later in the week, (again at work) when I began to feel a really
strong bout of loneliness. This appeared to be in direct relation to this high I was feeling, in that I was experiencing this overwhelming feeling
of joy and I had no one to share it with.

Of course, I attempted to describe this to others through words, but this was an unbelievably poor
substitute for the real emotion…the words were just too inadequate. There’s just something about being in physical proximity to someone I care
deeply about and being able to share part of myself with them through emotion and non-verbal communication. Feeling the electricity bouncing back and forth between me and another
person in and of itself is very intoxicating. There’s something very special that comes out of this that simply goes beyond description–language
can touch on this but never really capture the essence of it.

My loneliness is not completely about the lack of physical contact with another
person, it’s about being able to look in someone’s eyes and seeing recognition and understanding there. It’s very encouraging. It’s also
something I do not have right now, and something I want very much, probably more than anything else at this point. This is a weakness in me,
feeling like I need someone near me, but it’s a natural instinct. I can’t seem to help it.

So anyhow, like I mentioned, I’ve just been sliding from one emotional state to another. I had a conversation on IRC that actually had me
in tears at work, because I just felt so utterly alone. I don’t know what can be done about this, though, because right now there are two issues
with that: 1) I don’t really have any potential dates in mind…I’m just not interested in anyone at this time; and 2) I have virtually no
time this semester, especially during the week, (day and night). I kind of feel cut off from others because I spend so much time working or in class,
all of which are solitary activities, in general. This isolation can be good, but it’s constant, so like anything, too much is not a positive thing.
I’m sure there’s a good reason why I’m alone…there has to be something in my life right now that I need to take care of before I’m able to
be with someone. I just don’t know what that is…maybe I just have too many artistic issues to work out at this time (I mean, my painting has
been dominating my thoughts day in and day out for the past three weeks or so…). But I honestly have no clue. All I know is I feel this emptiness
inside, this vacant space that should be occupied by someone I love. But he’s not here…whoever ‘he’ is…

General apathy combined with overwhelming desire to create continues to dominate my life. My dad makes the wooden frames
for my canvases, and he has finished the three for my tryptic, so I’ll be able to stretch those canvases this weekend, hopefully.
I am really excited to start working on this painting even though I have absolutely no clue what I’m going to use for subject
matter. I’m still sticking with my widescreen concept, but I don’t know what the details will be in this one. Eh, maybe I should
just start throwing paint down on the canvas and see what comes out of it. I’ve never had much success with that in the past as
it’s much less structured than I’m comfortable with, but I’ve been trying some new things lately so maybe that’s what I need
to do in order to break through this barrier I’ve been throwing myself against.

I *FEEL* the idea in my head. I know it’s there. I am soooooo close to discovering it….it’s right there
staring at me through an opaque window, reaching out for me, waiting to be realized. I can see its basic shape and meaning but can’t
identify its true form at this point…it’s like a vaporous mist, backlit, hovering in front of me. The light behind it is so
incredibly bright, though, that I’m blinded. I need to find my vision before I can proceed!

This is both exhilarating and torturous at the same time. However, it is a sweet, sweet torment, as I can just taste the outcome.
I know there’s a wonderful reward waiting…I am soooooo close to it!!!! I could easily be simply frustrated, but my intuition is
screaming at me, telling me this is going to be the biggest breakthrough I’ve ever had. This is going to be IT!

My feeling is that once this idea decides to expose itself, this feeling of indifference will evaporate and I’ll be back to my
normal self. My subconscious is expending all its energy on trying to uncover this idea that it has none left for other, less
interesting tasks. I really don’t like the idea of getting poor grades or arriving late to work or lying awake at night, too wired
to sleep but too exhausted to do anything. That’s been my existence the past few weeks, and I just can’t shake it. I NEED
to give life to this idea…and if it’s not born, I feel like I’ll just keep slipping away. But…I don’t really need to worry about
that because I know it’ll happen, sooner or later. But please, please let it be sooner than later. I may be going insane,
or at least headed towards Attention Deficit Disorder, if nothing else.

But regardless of anything else, I’ve never been as excited about anything in my entire life!