I had another doozy of a dream last night. It’s been a little too long since I woke up so many of the details have already faded away, but I can remember the gist of it. It mainly focused on Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins. Well, as you may know, the group disbanded after their last album, so who knows what he’s doing now. But in my dream, he had grown this long white hair (it was kind of fluffy and came down to about his shoulders) and had gained a lot of weight, in addition to looking about 15-20 years older than he really is. Somehow I met up with him and he was over at my parents’ house. I started asking him some questions about specific tracks on certain CDs and after awhile, I got up the nerve to ask him for his autograph. I wanted him to sign “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness” so I went down the basement where I keep the jewel cases for my CDs and found that particular one. There was also an old, leather-bound, brown-covered book that went along with that CD which contained lyrics and artwork and such, and I brought these things upstairs with me. Billy was seated at the kitchen table wearing a white t-shirt under
a blue denim shirt. I handed him the book and he signed it extremely quickly on the last page: “R. C.” I knew his first name had to be William if he was nicknamed Billy, but for some reason, the “R” initial just made sense to me. Well, after a bit of time, he and I started dating, and eventually the dream faded into another, much more elusive dream that I couldn’t have even explained if I had written it down as soon as I woke up. (Incidentally, I awoke from this dream at about 4:30 AM, so I had a lot of time between then and when my alarm went off to forget parts of it.)

Now that I think about it, how ironic is that, that I would dream about the lead singer of The Smashing Pumpkins on Halloween? Just now as I’m writing this did I realize the connection. I mean, yes, I do enjoy their music very much, but I haven’t consciously thought about the group in a long time, and never have I considered myself so much of a Billy Corgan fan that I’d dream about dating him. He certainly has a unique look to him, but it’s a little too “vampiric” for my taste. :-)

As for the rest of the day…well…this morning I was in a really wonderful groove while I was painting…so much so that when it was time to leave for my next class, I was really frustrated because I didn’t want to do anything but paint. I started working on two new paintings, both of which feature creatures and colors directly taken from Silent Hill. My classmates find them rather gross and horrific and think I’m a little twisted, but what else is new? I think there is a sort of beauty in their ugliness…I don’t know why. I was a little sad tonight when I was looking at prices for canvas and brushes online and realized I couldn’t afford to get anymore right now. But I think what I currently have will last me at least the rest of the semester, if not longer. It’s really tempting to want to buy them now though. Oh well.

Oh yeah, my composition professor pushed the deadline for the paper back to next Thursday so I can spend a little more time this weekend studying for my art history quiz, painting, and of course, playing Silent Hill. I think I’m getting pretty close to the end by now…there really can’t be too much left. I considered giving my PS2 to Jonathan for the weekend to keep me from playing it, but that would be torturous. But now I have a little more leeway so I can get away with playing games all weekend, although that’s not the smartest decision on earth. I really should get that paper out of the way so I don’t have to worry about it later…but ack, I don’t want to. It’s so hard to get myself motivated to do things I don’t want to when I’m being sucked in by other things that hold tremendous interest for me. Maybe I’ll just give it to him anyhow. As well as my copy of Silent Hill because if I got desperate enough, I’d try to get it to work on my computer through an emulator even though that’s a pain in the ass.

My brother is also coming home for the weekend for the first time this school year. I haven’t seen him since late July, so it’ll be cool to hang out with him again. Maybe he’ll come over and play some video games with me. :-) Okay, that right there is a perfect reason why I shouldn’t give up my PS2 to Jon! Nooo, stop rationalizing everything…..!

I’m fairly tired right now and I should be taking a shower so I can go to bed and get up at a decent time for work tomorrow but I can’t seem to make myself move. I hate taking showers…but I do it everyday. Showers are a big deal for me because they are a major time commitment. Okay, you see, I have this thing where any traces of stubble on my legs drives me freaking insane, so basically for as long as I’ve been shaving my legs, I’ve shaved them everyday. So, when all things are considered, a typical shower takes me between 20-30 minutes, depending on how much of a rush I’m in. Also, after that, I spend about 15 minutes moisturizing my skin, getting dressed, and brushing my hair. So really, I invest about 45 minutes of each day on a shower. That’s a pretty long time, especially since it’s usually quite late at night and I’m reasonably tired if not downright exhausted.

Anyhoo, enough about that. I think I shall actually go shower now.

[00:33] * ovaltine_blahg is now known as shower_of_ovaltine

This day didn’t start out too well, but things quickly turned in my favor. Last night I decided I’d play up to the next save point in Silent Hill. Well, I bet you can guess what ended up happening…yeah…well…the save point ended up being a little further on than I had anticipated, and before I knew it, it was 2:00 AM. Well…I finally forced myself to go to bed, so I went and brushed my teeth and washed my face, and when
I came back I heard sirens approaching. I live on a college campus, so this is a pretty regular occurrance, but they just kept getting closer and closer. So I took a peek out my window, and I saw the flashing lights as a firetruck and 2 ambulances pulled up along the street. I couldn’t really see much of what was going on because it was quite dark, but they took 2 stretchers inside the building next to mine and after about 1/2 hour, they came out with 2 people on them. What worried me was that the ambulances didn’t go squealing off in a hurry…which meant one of two things–either the people weren’t seriously hurt, or they were dead. I was a little suspicious since that dorm is the housing for international students, and is most certainly not known as a party dorm. It took me awhile to fall asleep after that, but finally my body just gave up. (Side note: I found out later that two underage girls had gotten alcohol poisoning, which is what summoned the emergency team…sigh.)

Well, needlesss to say, I felt pretty crappy when I got up this morning, and I seriously considered skipping class and sleeping. Well, my conscience got on me, especially since I had some CDs that I was supposed to give some of my classmates, so I got myself ready and left. I had a Mt. Dew, and before long I was feeling pretty decent. But then came the one thing that made my day extraordinary.

My painting professor came around the room and talked to all the students while they worked as he normally does, so I kind of hung back in my corner quietly, not looking forward to “my turn.” As I’ve said, my professor and I do not typically agree about anything, so usually what I think is good or beautiful turns him off. Well, I’ve been working on a painting that is a great concept piece, and something I find extremely fun and clever. On its own, without any explanation, it’s very interesting and unique, but even stronger when you realize what it really means. I’ve shown it during two class critiques now, and in its current state, it seems to be getting a very positive response. People think it looks really nice, and very “painterly”…it’s loose and flowing rather than modeled and rendered crisply. In my opinion, it looks 1/2 done–I don’t like it as it stands.

But I’ve been getting a lot of hassle from both the teacher and my classmates that I should leave it the way it is, and go on to something else. This agitates me a lot because it doesn’t follow either my original vision or even my painting style. I didn’t agree with what people were suggesting to me, so I decided that I would make a replica of the painting, but this time painted and finished the way I prefer. And that’s exactly what I did. I wanted to prove to myself (more than to others) that I was right. I was extremely uncomfortable with catering to the seemingly popular opinion that I should leave the painting alone, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to move on with my work until I proved that my instinct was correct…or that I was completely off base. I needed to know, one way or the other.

Well, I showed the new version to two other people before my professor saw it, and both of them preferred the new version over the original. This was a huge deal for me, as it reasserted that my instinct–my gut reaction–was proving correct. It’s also important to note that unless I develop an intimate relationship with the painting I’m working on, I usually don’t care much about it and it ends up being lifeless and boring. This is how the first version seemed to me. The new version, however, I fell madly in love with as I was working on it. I felt that tug that I feel with the work I am closest to–the tug that told me if something happened to the painting, I would be devastated. To me, that’s an indication that something in it works perfectly, even if I am the only one who thinks so.

Welllll…..my professor came over and took a look at it. We had a nice long discussion about the differences between each version, and he said to me “So it looks like Ann is finally right for a change.” I retorted, “What does that mean–for a change?!?!” After a few additional comments, he remarked “I think you’re doing some excellent work here, Ann.” I was speechless for a moment, then finally choked out “Thank you.” At that point, he left to talk to us all as a group, but I just stood there, astounded, dumbfounded, flabergasted!

In a way, this may have been one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life…to know that I had been right all along, and finally having it recognized by the people who opposed me. But in a more significant way, it’s frightening because it means that my opinions and thoughts are so radically different than my peers and superiors, and that what appeals to them may not be the correct solution to the problem. I guess what I’m saying is that…what does it mean if I am right about this? It means that I’m right…but by myself. Since no one followed along with me until they saw the painting created in my intended vision, it means that it is something unusual to them–something that doesn’t immediately appeal to their sense of beauty and “correctness.”

Is this little experience a glimpse of what I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life? I have always known that I think and feel much differently than most people I know…that is no surprise to me. But to have my thoughts and feelings and instincts finally acknowledged as being correct even though they aren’t immediately popular…I don’t know. It’s cool but scary at the same time. It gives way for a potential that could be overwhelming to me and to anyone who crosses my path. I’m trying so hard to be true to myself without overstepping my bounds and cutting myself off from chances for improvement through experimentation. What I’ve learned in the past couple weeks is that experimentation can prove valuable, but is nothing when compared to instinct. So what if no one paints the way I do? I’m really tired of feeling guilty because my painting seems too “graphical” and not “painterly” enough. That’s who I am, and what I do. Yes, I’m very “anal” about my things…I need them to be orderly and crisp. There is no reason I should feel bad about being true to my own vision, and I’ve made up my mind to stick with it even if it’s not a common agreement, because my work has been proven sucessful after completion even though I’ve been ribbed in mid-process. I guess that’s one of the biggest reasons I don’t like others watching me work…because things evolve and change at their own pace, and not always in any kind of expected manner.

However, as time goes on, I am beginning to get this feeling from my classmates…a sort of respect tinged with possible admiration. Most of them realize that I am not a painting major, and am only taking the classes because I truly enjoy painting. I’ve gotten compliments on my work, especially on the concepts I’ve been tackling, and it seems like my opinion matters to them–even those of whom are painting majors, and who are further along in the program than I. They call me “Fox”, and when I enter the room, the camaraderie is very inviting. They seem to actually be glad I am there, and get something out of the conversations we have. I really enjoy stepping into this environment, and even though we all have different tastes and styles in painting, we all share some common ground. It’s a wonderful feeling.

Sometimes it’s tough to earn people’s respect, but when it finally happens, it means so much more.

(Small note: the paintings in question are compared in this photo.)

I had a much better weekend this time around compared to last. I came out of it feeling good about things rather than any of the negative feelings I dealt with last week. As far as events of the weekend go…on Saturday I bought an electric staple gun and an extension cord so it’d be easier on my hands when I stretch canvases. I gave it a shot that night, (no pun intended) and I found that the kick is quite forceful, and the staples tend to bounce back some when it fires, so they don’t go too far into the wood. It works perfectly if you can pull the trigger with one hand and hold the gun in place with the other, but the problem with that is you need to use the “free” hand to keep the canvas pulled taut. In any case, I ended up stapling the whole canvas using the first method described, then pounding the staples down into the wood with a hammer. It worked fairly well, and I was able to stretch 3 canvases without ruining my hands as I have in the past.

I also finally saw Red Dragon on Saturday. It was pretty well done with all things considered, but I did like the book better. I thought the killer was much freakier in the book, and things were a lot more real and plausible, if that’s possible. This is totally the opposite of what I thought of Hannibal, of course…in that instance, I enjoyed the movie much more than the book. In any case, it was definitely worth seeing, but I think it would appeal more to those people who have a history with this series of stories than someone who came to this film without having seen the other two, or read any of the books.

Sunday was Hachi’s birthday…he took us to a Mexican restaurant, and I had enchiladas for the very first time. I don’t mean to be crude, but the smell follows you long after the meal has been digested. ahem It was pretty good though.

I started playing Silent Hill (the original) on Sunday afternoon and got pretty well into it. Once I figured out the combat style and
controls, it was much more fun than when I was flailing around. In its own way, it’s even creepier than SH2…the music is for sure. Later in the evening, Daniel came over, and I proceeded to show him Stair Dismount, which he seemed to get a kick out of. (I was tickled that he found it just as amusing as I did!) Anyhow, there he was playing SD on my computer, with the audio coming out the stereo, and there I was playing Silent Hill on my TV, and lo and behold, the porno-music and screams/cruches from SD were permeating my game quite nicely. There were a few times there when I seriously thought the sound effects were coming from my game, and it honestly scared the crap out of me! XD It was really quite amusing.

And speaking of the music, I’ve been trying to download the soundtracks for both games ever since I finished Silent Hill 2 back in…like…August. I had only been able to get about 7 songs out of like 120 or so, which was unbelievably frustrating. Well, today I did a little digging and came across the mp3s for Silent Hill and Silent Hill 2, as well as a fan-ripped soundtrack for Silent Hill 2
which included all the music from the game that wasn’t on the official soundtrack. Additionally, I came across some really well-done remixes of some Resident Evil and Silent Hill music. Needless to say, I was in complete and utter bliss! (One thing is certain..once I get some money, I’ll definitely be buying these CDs!)

So, anyhow, I burned them onto CD and took them with me to my night class, intending to listen to them while I worked on my Giger-esque calendar project for Design class….I thought that would be quite fitting. Well, I ended up spending the majority of the class talking to and helping my classmates, which was perfectly fine by me…but I didn’t really get to listen much. So, when I finally headed home, it was about 9:30 PM, so it was quite dark out. I pushed the volume up a decent amount on my discman and walked down the empty stretch of concrete pathway between the art building and my place. The air was brisk and calm, and colored leaves were falling from the trees. It was the perfect vision of a fall night, and the Silent Hill music could not have been a more appropriate soundtrack for the moment. I watched my shadow grow and diminish as I walked between the lights beside the walkway, and I smiled widely. Then I took pictures. :-) Of all the pictures, this one and this one were the best. But the importance of the experience was the fact that I was there, completely alone, in a perfect moment.

Jules often speaks of paying attention to these perfect moments, and sadly, it’s so easy to overlook them. But they are there, all the time. You just have to keep your eyes open.

*Sigh*…some people have asked me if I’m okay…yeah, I know there’s been a lot of negativity in my entries as of late…and all I can say is that, yeah, I’ll be fine…I just need a place to vent my frustration sometimes, y’know?

I’m feeling a little better both today and yesterday, although the weather has been quite dreary. I always feel better when the weekend comes around because not only am I less busy than during the week, but I get to spend time with friends and I can stay up late and sleep in late the next morning. I swear, my body always wants to stay awake till the wee hours of the morning but that’s not too practical when I have to be awake and out the door prior to 8 AM. Ah well…that’s just the way it is.

I downloaded some songs by Avril Lavigne today and have been listening to them while I’ve been working. I kind of enjoy her attitude, and despite being a little pop-ish, I think she has an amazing voice. As soon as I get a little more money, I’ll be getting her CD, as well as the new Foo Fighters CD, which I really want.

Lately I’ve been questioning my need for material possessions. It’s something that’s a big deal for me because I like having things. What brought on this doubt was my current financial situation of being dirt poor. I signed the lease for my apartment for next year about 2 weeks ago, and at that point I realized that I was going to have to wise up fast, as I barely had enough to cover the first month’s rent, let alone the security deposit. Of course, I just paid for this semester’s tuition and housing, and I was hurting quite a bit from that, so it seemed a lot worse than it might otherwise have. Regardless…I knew I had to start exercising a little more self control over my spending habits.

This also motivated me to look through my things and decide what I needed and/or wanted to keep. I have a lot of stuff that basically just sits there, which I could sell off on ebay. Pretty much ever since I started moving back and forth between home and school, I’ve been thinking a lot about consolidating all my things into smaller, tighter spaces and re-evaluating exactly what it is I value these days. There are things such as my Super Nintendo, which is still in great condition with working games…but I never play it. It’s sitting in my closet collecting dust. I know there’s someone out there who would enjoy playing that and would get far more use out of it than it’s currently getting. I just need to do a clean sweep of my closet and get rid of all the stuff that is cool but useless to me now. Maybe I’ll sell off some of my books that I read but didn’t totally love. I have many hardcover books that could fetch a few bucks each. Also, like, my whole VHS tape collection, which I never touch. *Sigh*

Wow, just thinking of purging all this unnecessary baggage makes me feel very uplifted…almost like there’s something about all that stuff that’s weighing me down or holding me back. I actually am very excited now to go home and go through it all. Typically, I just give things away to Goodwill, so I may end up doing that rather than trying to sell it off. Sure, it would be great to get some extra money, but at the moment, that’s kind of secondary to just getting rid of some of that stuff. If I can just get rid of a whole crapload of stuff at once, maybe it’ll end up becoming a spiritual cleansing of sorts.

Suddenly I’m feeling pretty good about things. I’ll be taking a trip home this weekend I think. :-)

Wow, it’s Wednesday already. The week is just flying by. That’s a good thing though.

This morning I saw a homeless guy on my way to work who was just kind of rambling through the intersection, appearing to be unaware of anything around him. I thought about him…I see him every once in awhile outside my workplace, usually when the weather starts getting cold. That poor guy. Then I realized something about myself. I have so much that is wonderful in my life…and I feel like I’ve been acting like a “sorry little ingrate” (to quote Zed in “Men in Black”). I am really really lucky in a lot of ways…and sure, I have problems, but who doesn’t? What makes my problems so special that they’re any worse than other people’s? Actually, I just like to complain, which makes them seem bad but they really aren’t. I can tell that annoys people so I’m going to try to not whine about things that aren’t that big of a deal. I hate being annoying to others, and sometimes it can’t be helped, but my whining seems to piss people off, even people I consider friends. So I am gonna shut up about that.

One thing that I worry about a lot is driving people away. I’m used to being thought of as strange, but I don’t like to alienate myself from others, so to speak. I do like my individuality, but more than that I like being able to relate to people. That isn’t always the easiest thing for me, but I try. It’s hard to find others who share anything in common with me, and when I do find someone with similar interests or viewpoints, I’m always afraid I’m going to do or say something that scares them off or rubs them the wrong way, so most of the time I’m pretty cautious about my words and actions. I guess that’s one of the biggest reasons I’m so reserved in public, because I don’t want to be seen as a “freak.” In a lot of my experiences, when I’ve been open and honest with who I am, I’ve been ridiculed. It’s not encouraging.

I know other people don’t understand me, and I’m mostly okay with that. After all, according to the Meyers Briggs personality sorter thingie, I have a personality type that’s shared by only about 2% of the population. Well, okay then. That means that 98% of all people don’t think the way I do…how could they possibly understand? I’d be delusional to assume more than a few people on this earth actually “get” who I am. So far in my life, I have only come across one other person who is similar enough to me that I can easily say he truly “gets” me. And he knows who he is. :-)

That’s a lyric from “Fade” by Staind, in case you don’t know. It kind of sums up how I’ve been feeling lately about things…kind of…but not totally. I don’t know. I have been feeling like talking things out…but there never seems to be anyone around, either in real life, or online, when this hits me. Sigh Such is life.

Anyhow, Tuesdays are the one night of the week that I get to do whatever I want. After classes today I did Tae Bo for the first time in about two weeks, and it felt good, even though I am a bit sore right now. I wanted to go see Red Dragon tonight but I promised a friend I would go with him and he was busy with homework so I had to create a new plan. I considered going over to the art building and painting, but that idea was quickly scrapped in favor of updating some of my other webpages, which have been sadly neglected over the last month.

At one point tonight, Hachi came over and got rid of the funny colors on my tv that came from having my speakers too close to it. It was a very quick visit…he did his task and left. So I basically have been here alone all night, which isn’t all bad, but I’m still missing human contact with people I enjoy spending time with. sigh I’m hoping this issue I’ve been having with loneliness resolves itself soon because I’m beginning to feel a little like I did all through high school, which is something I definitely do not want to relive.

I guess, though, I’m so used to having people around me all the time that it feels…empty…when I really am alone. Since I’m busy almost every night of the week, I don’t notice it most of the time…there are almost always lots of people wherever I am…always someone to talk to. But then when I am alone…it’s like something is missing, and I kind of freeze up and sit there staring blankly, unsure of what to do. After awhile, I snap out of it and finally do something, but I usually wish there was someone there with me, if only to just watch a movie with. There’s a certain comfort with having another person in the room, even if you aren’t actually interacting much. I wasn’t always this way–back before I or any of my friends could drive, I was used to sitting at home at night doing things by myself or with my family and most of the time I was just fine with that. Back then, the situation was so that there was no possibility of getting together with friends, so my mindset was different, and I didn’t expect that anyone would just “pop by”…so I didn’t plan my evenings around that. Maybe I should stop doing that now…then I wouldn’t feel like something was wrong or missing.

So anyhow…one of my papers that was supposed to be due got pushed back to Nov. 5 so now I have a little more time to work on that, thankfully. I thought for sure I’d have to spend all night tonight cramming to get that sucker done. But now I have some breathing room.

I just had a really strong chocolate craving, which I satisfied with some plain M&Ms because they were the closest chocolate product to where I am sitting. They were okay. But that’s fine because they were free with the Rocky Rococo pizza I ordered on Saturday.

It seems that some people are hesitant to write a journal because they feel their lives are boring and they’d have nothing to write about. Well, that’s a bunch of poop. Everyone may not have the most exciting life…I mean…*I* don’t…but everyone thinks about things. There is always something to write about. So dammit, Meta, write a journal. :-P No more of your weak excuses.

Ohhh, and the new Foo Fighters CD came out today….dammit…I totally forgot. Not like I can afford it anyhow =_=

Well, this weekend pretty much sucked ass. I watched all of Eva on Fri night/Saturday and managed to come out with my sanity. Aside from that, I was really really lonely, especially on Sunday. I was in one of those moods where nothing seemed right with the world…like nothing I did mattered. I didn’t have anyone to talk to either, so I whiled away my time in front of my TV with some Smirnoff Ice and a box of tissues. Sadness really takes a toll on one’s body and mind.

Jules showed me this crazy little game called “Stair Dismount” where the object is to push a guy down the stairs and see how much damage you can do to his body. The higher the damage, the more points you get. It’s horrible, but I think that is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life. I first saw it at work this morning and I got on a laughing spree that has finally now just begun to subside. Some of the “crunch” noises are just awful and his screams are piercing…he makes this “greeeee!” sound sometimes that makes me laugh so hard I gasp for air. I guess that means I have a terribly sick sense of humor…I mean, this really should not be funny at all, but it just is. That game has made my day bearable. I really felt alive when I was laughing.

Sigh. I’ve got night class tonight which I’m not looking forward to whatsoever. I really would rather just take a long nap, snuggled up on my couch. Instead I have to stare at a monitor in the Mac Lab for a good 2.5 hours. At least the project we’re working on is rather fun, so it’s not all bad.

OH! I nearly forgot! I came away with an AB on my art history exam. I was sooooo happy when I saw that…it almost made giving up my entire weekend for studying worthwhile. I may just pass this class if I do well on the next two quizzes and the final. I guess that just means, though, that I’m going to have to study my ass off for those tests as well, if I hope to get anything better than a CD (based on her crappy grading scale anyhow).

Finished reading “Red Dragon” and I can’t wait to see the movie. I’m also somewhat interested in seeing “The Ring” although that one can certainly wait until it’s out on video before I watch it. I started reading a novel by Eric Idle of “Monty Python” called “The Road to Mars.” So far it seems to be a bit like “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” in that it’s set in space and has that brand of humor. I can imagine Idle may have been inspired by that book.

What else….? I sold off some VHS tapes on ebay and got almost exactly what I wanted for them so I was really happy. I think I’ll be opening up a savings account to pour in money that I get from things like that so I can’t spend it on stupid things. I really need to save because I’m dirt poor at the moment and I have some really huge expenses coming up starting in January. Dammit. Why does the world have to revolve around farking money? That makes me so mad. Yet, I can’t not spend money, and can’t not have things. I guess I have a very strong materialistic nature that kind of controls my thinking…which I don’t like one bit. I suppose that comes from not having much when I was younger, so now that I can afford things, I buy to my heart’s content. But that’s the problem right there…no matter how much I buy, I’m never content. So if I realize this, why do I keep spending? Why do I buy 50,000 video games that I know I’ll never finish when I have that many sitting at home, some which have never been touched? I don’t know. I don’t understand.

And on that note, I think I’ll have supper then go to class.

Okay, I watched the entire series of Neon Genesis Evangelion in one 24-hour period, so that may have been what triggered this strange series of dreams….

Somehow I had gotten a ticket to Australia and I was hanging out with Jules and his dad in an old rusty farm truck. I had my camera with me and I was going to take pictures of things. I was surprised by how much everything looked like Wisconsin, even the road we were driving on. It looked exactly like my backyard. We got out of the truck and were standing out by the trees near a garden, talking. Jules didn’t have much of an accent, which was slightly disappointing, but it made him seem less exotic, and more familiar in a way. Anyhow, we stood next to this stump talking for awhile, then his dad told us we should get back in the truck because we were going “downtown.”

We got back in the truck and for some reason (I was told the reason but can’t recall now) his dad decided to drive the whole way in reverse. Once we got into the city, a State Farm Insurance agent got out of his parked car and told Jules’ dad to stop. He looked at both of us as if he was used to this happening and said “Oh great, this again.” The agent for some reason had the power of a police officer in Australia and Jules’ dad acted accordingly. He parked the truck properly and we all got out and followed the Insurance agent into a building so he could question us about what was going on.

I took my camera off the dashboard and brought it in with us. The place was dark and musty and may have even been an old unused bowling alley, although it was too dark to tell. The stools and other furniture in the room suggested a bar or a bowling alley. Regardless, it was NOT a police station for sure. So the agent proceeded to ask Jules’ dad a bunch of questions, but I sat there staring at my camera, so I didn’t hear anything that was going on.

Cut to me being awakened by the ringing phone…

Next thing I remember, I was back out by the trees near the garden, and a bunch of people were standing around talking about UFOs and strange things that had happened there. People were bringing back newspapers and objects that had been recovered at this site in my backyard. There were strange scorch marks and weird coat hanger-like things on the trees. I went to touch them but one guy was like “Don’t do that!” Some people were milling about deep in conversation, but one guy off to the left was laughing at all of us because he thought it was a bunch of hooey. I think he was “Stu Wargle” from the movie “Phantoms.” I talked to him for awhile to find out why he was skeptical and it just turned out that he was scared.

Omigod I am freezing. This morning when I got outside, I realized it was raining out. Simultaneously, I realized my car was on the far side of campus, about 5 blocks/10 minutes away. Just great. So I walked to my car, got soaked, and drove to work. Well, I don’t think they have the heat on at work yet, at least it sure doesn’t seem like it. I took off my soaked sweatshirt and down vest as well as my shoes and shivered like mad until I couldn’t take it anymore and asked a coworker if I could borrow his coat. What a looking sight I am–like a drowned rat. Gah. I really hope I don’t get sick.

I had a great couple of days (Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday) in which I felt very good about life. I don’t feel like I’ll be able to display the correct perspective on recent days at this moment since I’m quite uncomfortable…so you may just have to take my word that things have been pretty good.

After that art history exam, the week went much better. On Tuesday, the painter that is showing in my university’s gallery (Miriam Beerman) came to our painting class and gave us all critiques on our work. To my surprise, she seemed to really like my ideas, so I felt really wonderful about that. She didn’t know what a DVD was though, but that’s okay. :-) (btw, she’s a 78-year-old woman…) Brian and I had supper at my parents’ house and then we went shopping in Appleton. I got Fatal Frame and Run Like Hell for PS2, so I played them for awhile. Then on Wednesday I just woke up feeling great about everything. I got to talk to cool people on IRC, which made me happy, and I was reading a really exciting part in Red Dragon. (I ended up finishing the book on Thursday afternoon…it was very good. Now I can go see the movie!) My design professor let us out of class early so we could attend the gallery opening for the visiting artist, and I took a bunch of really great pictures. This pic in particular, made me laugh so hard I nearly threw up. I went home feeling ecstatic. Thursday was pretty decent overall, and I took more pictures at the code poetry dramatic reading for the CS Club.

Afer recalling everything that’s happened in this past week alone, I begin to realize just how busy I really am.
I mean, obviously I know I’m busy…but…wow. During the summer, it’s the total opposite of this…I just wish
I could find a middle ground somewhere. What am I gaining by being so busy all the time? I do spend a lot more time relaxing than I probably should…like playing video games or napping when I should be doing homework, but hey, I work best at the last minute. Procrastination just…works for me…and besides, if it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done, right? :-) I’m doing my best to get everything done on time, and so far it hasn’t been much of a problem, other than I have to work extra hard at the last minute. But I’m fine with that. I’d much rather relax and have fun, and worry about things later than sit and fuss over them way before the deadline. That ambitious, overachiever attitude is very dominant in my family, and thankfully I have enough of it to be able to do things well, but not enough of it to tear my hair out because I fear I won’t be able to complete things on time. I usually get things done in plenty of time, even if plenty = less than 10 minutes before the deadline. :-)

There seems to be an influx of depression and negative feelings floating about recently. Not just around me,
although I’ve had my share of them, but everywhere. There is just a general…apathy…towards things. I’ve
felt this quite strongly the past few months, but I think I’m beginning to get past it. Others, however, seem to be falling deeper into that attitude. It just feels like this cloud is hanging over the world…everything feels cold and unresponsive. It’s quite unlike anything I can ever remember…I mean, sure, I’ve known some people who felt sad a lot, but this is kind of prevalent…it kind of scares me in a way… What is it that’s causing all this? I could be lame and blame it on the weather, on graduation, on the state of the world today…but that would just be an easy way out. I think it goes deeper than that, although I have no clue how.

I haven’t been quite as moody lately, maybe because I’m not giving myself enough time to be anything other than temperate. Maybe my creative problem is working itself out now, and that’s why I’m not being affected as much anymore. Actually, I haven’t had any time to paint recently, so maybe the distance is what is causing that. Could be any number of things, really.

Weird. Out of nowhere, I just got a sudden urge to go bowling…

Well, anyhow, the weekend is almost upon me. Should be quite interesting. Brian lent me all his Evangelion DVDs so I’ve decided to watch the entire series and both movies over the weekend. We’ll see if that happens. And if I’m successfully able to do it, I may never be the same again…I may be even crazier than I am now. If no one hears from me within a week, then something has probably snapped in my head and I’m laying in my room, drooling.

What a weekend. I spent the great majority of my time studying for my Art History midterm, which is tomorrow. I was sooooo incredibly bored with it I could barely keep my eyes open most of the time. I didn’t do so well on my first quiz so I was determined to do well on this exam, since it is worth more points. I do fine with identification of the art, it’s the dates that trip me up. To me, they are meaningless, so my brain doesn’t assign any kind of significance to them. By the end of this evening, I was about ready to fall over, but luckily I met up with Jules and we had a nice Open Canvas session. I felt much better afterwards. I swear, he’s like my guardian panda. He knows exactly how to cheer me up. :-) Thanks Jules.