Well, it’s the last night of summer for me. Tomorrow morning I have to move back to campus to begin a new year of college. sigh I really don’t know how I feel about it yet. The fact that I’ve been less than enthusiastic about packing may be an indication of my attitude though. I tried every excuse I could think of to avoid packing, but when I finally got around to it, it really didn’t take that long since I am not taking nearly as much stuff as previous years even though I have my own room this year.

I think the change will be good for me. If you’ve read any of my previous entries, you’ll know that I’ve been kind of lacking inspiration lately, so maybe this is just what I need. I can’t say that I’ve necessarily been lonely, but I have felt a little distanced from the people and situations around me recently. I need to be around people again, so it’ll be really nice to be in the dorm again where people are everywhere. It’s so vast and quiet out in the country where I live–it’s just me and nature. I miss being with people. ;_;

Last night I was feeling a little bored and distanced from everything, so I made a wallpaper of Jules and Rosey. sigh Those two are so perfect together, and they seem so happy and in love. Some people I know are very jealous of what they have, which is understandable. I almost feel like I should be a little jealous of their relationship because that’s exactly what I want…but I’m not. I look at the pictures they’ve taken together and I get this uplifting feeling. It’s almost indescribable…the closest thing I can come up with as a comparison is the reaction I have when I see a picture of a really really cute kitten. It’s more than just “Awwwww” though.

Hmmm. I feel like I really connect with Jules, as we’ve talked quite a bit since I’ve been on the IRC channel, and in a way, I feel hopeful for myself because he has found someone who loves him for who he is (which is a very unique, special, and wonderful person). In other words, if he can find his soulmate, then I feel like there’s still a possibility that I can too. But where is that one person who can put up with me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me? (And, I suppose, whom I could stand enough to spend my life with!)

Okay, so I jest a little…but I really do want to find him. I’ve been kind of disillusioned with what experiences I’ve had so far with love. I’ve been in and out of two relationships in three years, neither of which really felt like “it”. I did learn a lot from both of them, but being single again really puts things into perspective. When I’m considering a relationship, I never even think about getting involved unless I can see it being long term, which right away is a dead giveaway that I take the whole soulmates thing pretty seriously. I’m not known to “settle” for things that are really important to me, so I don’t know if I’ll ever be completely satisfied with myself and my life until I’ve met “the one”. Not that there’s anything wrong with being alone, mind you, but I have always dreamt about what my life would be like when I find my one true love. Most people think that’s a little naive and unrealistic, but that’s how I am about a lot of things. I’m a dreamer, and I always will be. I live for fairy tales and dream of living a happily ever after ending. I may appear a little cynical at times, but it’s only because I have these standards set up in my head, which the real world constantly fails to live up to.

I’m just concerned sometimes that living this way won’t get me anywhere in the world. A lot of times I wish more than anything that I could be practical and down-to-earth, so I could contribute something useful to the world. I often question whether anything I do matters to anyone else but me. Feedback from others is always really welcome to me because it at least shows me that something I’ve done has affected a person in one way or another, that I’m not just another wraith floating around unnoticed.