Weekends are nowhere near long enough for my taste. This afternoon I went home to get my laundry, then spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening painting. My mom helped me conceptualize an idea for my most recent painting, which spawned additional ideas. Lately I’ve been trying something new with my paintings–instead of drawing the scene out with a pencil or charcoal stick first, I’m simply drawing with the paintbrush. I’ve found that it helps my work look less like a “colored drawing” and more like a real painting. Also I’ve been worrying less and less about trying to make things photorealistic, which is primarily how I’ve been working for the last however many years. It’s very freeing, and I find myself able to get into the zone quicker, and have that feeling sustained over a longer period of time without incurring fatigue.

Once I get in the groove of things, I find my special place/the zone/inspiration. To me, that whole thing is an incredible state-of-mind, almost like an altered state of consciousness. Now I’ve never done drugs before, so I have no basis of comparison to draw from, but I can only imagine that some drugs may induce this type of feeling. Everything around is buzzing with life…all colors and sounds and sensations are heightened, and I am completely by myself, inside myself, in my own world, but more a part of this world than ever. I feel energy flowing down my arms and through the brush as I sweep it across the canvas, the wet paint glittering on the surface. I smell the linseed oil and feel wonderful all over. The music I’m listening to becomes a background noise just as much as it becomes a part of me–I hear it and feel it and absorb it into myself and my work. Time ceases to exist. I don’t feel tired or hungry even as I stand in one place for hours on end. I smile….then smile some more. I stop caring what others think. My paint-covered shirt gets caked with more paint; I rub my face and smudge a streak of blue over my nose. I brush some hair out of my eyes. I paint.

To me, it’s really hard to explain this idea to someone who’s never experienced it. When I came back from the art building this afternoon, I was buzzing from head to toe. True, I had just had a 20 oz. bottle of Mountain Dew, but that just added to my already heightened energy level. I found myself wishing I had more canvas to cover, as I had painted across the last one I stretched. Ideas floated around in my brain…well, ZOOMED, more than floated really. My friend Brian came over and I found it difficult to concentrate on what he was saying, as my thoughts were trapped in a mess of scattered ideas and feelings, including how I’d just talked a friend through installing a new ethernet card over the phone while at the same time explaining to my brother how to increase virtual memory on his computer over AIM. It was chaos in my brain…and choosing a place to have supper tonight took way longer than usual.

But anyway, it really has been a long time since I’ve been able to get to this place of inspiration. I used to be able to get there just about everyday when I was younger…up until about the time I got my first computer. I’m sure there’s a direct correlation there, as it is very hard for me to step away from the computer, even to do things that I love to do. It’s kind of sad, really, but it’s a fact nevertheless. It’s been so long since I’ve read anything substantial that wasn’t on a computer screen. I really love the feeling of euphoria I get when I am painting from within, and not just to complete an assignment. It’s truly something I’m unable to accurately describe in words. Anyhow…I am going to make every effort to make sure I can still get to this place of inspiration. It’ll take some sweat and tears, undoubtedly, but I’m going to have to do it, because I really have been feeling lethargic about everything the last few months, and that is not helping me one bit. I think it boils down to “senior-itis”, as I’ve been doing the same damned thing for too long now and I just want a change. I really don’t have much interest in school these days, but I really want to graduate soon. I have at least another year after this one, even if I drop my photo major, which I am almost positive I’m going to do. That’s a long time, yet on the same token, it’s not long at all. What on earth am I going to do with myself after I graduate? I still have no idea.

I’m feeling kind of lonely these days…still on a search for my one and only…but at least I have things to keep myself busy. I just wish this lethargic weight would lift itself off my head so I can feel inspired in my daily life. A huge part of me feels like all I’d need is to be in a loving relationship to get rid of that, but I don’t know if that will completely cure it. It’s been awhile for me, and I’ve become used to being single, but I’m still overwhelmed with longing…some days more than others. Not longing for any person in particular, but for a relationship with someone special. I feel that there’s someone out there for me…but I have a sad feeling that it’s going to be a long, long time before I meet him. *sigh*

Before I’d ever had a boyfriend, I used to think to myself that there was nothing more that I’d ever want other than having a boyfriend, and that if I found a guy who liked me enough, I’d latch on and never let him go. I just wanted the experience of holding someone, kissing him, holding hands, cuddling. Well…I did experience that. It is a spectacular feeling, one I wish everyone could know. I still want that for myself, although my naive ideals are long gone. It’s gotten to the point where I know both the upsides and downsides of being in a relationship. It’s not all peaches and cream, nosirree. When I was younger, I just…never thought about the negative things that come along with it. Now I know, so I guess that’s why I’m more comfortable with being single. At least I have had the experience of having a relationship, so I know what I am or am not missing.

*sigh*…………………………….*sigh*….

I’m really not sure where I was going with this topic anymore. Maybe I’ve said all I need to say on that subject for tonight.

Returning to the topic of painting, however…I would really like to do a tryptic painting with the dimensions 4′ x 10′ (horizontal). I am sticking with the same concept I’ve been working on in my last two paintings, but on a grander scale. There is nothing more exhilerating than painting on a canvas that is several times larger than myself. :-D

Well, I’ve finally settled into my college life again after about 3 weeks of going through my routine. It’s not as bad as it was at first, although I’m still feeling a great lack of motivation for some reason. I experienced the same sort of thing in high school, although not till later: senioritis. I’ve been in college for over three years now, and the end is in sight. What I’m going to do after that is still up in the air…I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. I’m so accustomed to the way things are (and have been) for the past…16 years (?) that I’ve been in school. Hmm, that is sure a long time. That’s over 75% of my life!

And speaking of school…I already schedule for spring semester this coming Monday. (On Fet’s birthday!) It’s nice being able to schedule ahead of other people, but it’s hard to know what I’ll want to take for courses so early in the semester, when I’m still getting used to the courses I’m currently taking. Sigh.

I am considering dropping my photo major because I realized I would much rather take lots of pictures and enjoy it, rather than constantly worrying about them being “arty”. That is too much pressure for me, and I tend to freeze up…and it becomes a chore rather than something fun. With my digital camera, not only is it easier and more economical to take tons of pictures, it’s just….a great time. I love taking pictures…just ask anyone who’s around me a substantial amount of time! (or just look at my photo directory)

I’ve been listening to the new Red Hot Chili Peppers cd, “By The Way.” One word: Goooooood! It’s definitely on par with “Californication,” and I’d almost go so far as to say it’s better. Their style has really matured over these last two albums, and I think it’s cool that they have had such longevity in their careers. Their age is starting to show, but in a good way…they are more adult these days…more mature. I really enjoy that. Their music is a lot more upbeat, their subject a little more positive, less about drugs and alcohol, etc. But, as always, their songs are unbelievably catchy and addictive…I know not of any other group with the ability to get their songs consistently stuck in my head. That is a unique talent. I totally recommend this album to anyone who likes this kind of music.

CS Club was a lot of fun last night. We mocked the Apple Switch ads with our own insane blend of goofiness, and fun was had by all. People need to learn to be quiet though…a little too much jibber-jabber in the background. Daniel really got to use his power of “Shhhhhh!” for good!

Oh btw, Daniel…you left your sweatshirt at my place…and Jon, you left your tripod there too.

Last night…well, actually…early this morning, between alarm rings…I had a vivid dream. I was visiting Chicago for the weekend with a small group of people from my home town (none of whom I knew). We were walking along the street at twilight and ran into Fet. I was a little scared being in Chicago sort of by myself (since I didn’t know anyone), so he took my hand and guided me along, as a gesture of reassurance. I suddenly felt really safe and secure because I knew Fet knew the area well and he would do anything to keep me safe from harm.

Interpretations are welcome. (As for my own, I’m still trying to work that out…)

Today Fet pointed out that by the dictionary definition, I really am a feminist. Well, :-P to that. I still don’t want that
label pasted on me.

I wrote an essay on The Silence of the Lambs tonight, which was incredibly easy. It was only supposed to be a page, but I needed two to explain my ideas, though I could have easily made it much longer. While I was writing that, I kept thinking of scenes in Hannibal that either contradicted what I was saying, or supported it, and I was a little upset that I couldn’t use that as a tool for comparison. One thing I noticed after watching “Silence…” is that Lecter is a lot looser and more relaxed in “Hannibal.” I’m sure it has a lot to do with the fact that he’s not caged up in prison in that movie, but there’s a whole different air about him in the second film. He’s a lot scarier in the first one I think, although his subtlety is rather disturbing in the second. Ah well. I am really looking forward to seeing Red Dragon when it comes out, which is coming up shortly. This time, I will not go see it after having a large dinner. I learned my lesson the first time.

Ack, about an hour left till I have night class. The class isn’t too bad once you’re there, but just knowing that I won’t be able to do things at home during the evening is frustrating. As it stands, the only night of the week I have free is Tuesday, but thus far that has been taken up by Hall Government meetings, so I really am feeling a little swamped.

Oh, I almost forgot. One of my roommates from a previous year, plus another friend, are looking at renting an apartment for next fall. They asked me if I’d like to move in with them, and I was thrilled to say yes. I think 4 years in the dorms is about enough, even if they do have kick ass internet connections (though IRC is blocked). I think it’ll be a fun and exciting experience, as I’ve never lived in an apartment before, much less with friends. So in the next few weeks, I guess they will be looking at places. I hope to go along to at least a few showings so I can get a feel for some of the places, but because my nights are full already, who knows if that’ll actually happen. Regardless, we’ll be getting a place that’s within close walking distance to the university, so we won’t have to be concerned about parking and things like that. I’m really excited!

It was a pretty decent day thus far. I actually slept up in my loft for the second night in a row. Although it is really hard to get into and out of, I have discovered that it is a very effective way to prevent me from hitting the snooze button one too many times. If I have to physically get up to turn off the alarm, I am far more likely to stay awake than if I simply reach up and smack the alarm and slip back into unconsciousness. So my dad can be happy now as all the time and effort he put into making the loft is not going to waste.

As much as I don’t care for my painting professor, I do really enjoy the class and the people. I feel like I belong there amongst those people…it’s a comforting and inviting feeling. When I enter the room, people call out “Fox!” and I feel that there’s a general commaraderie between the lot of us, especially between me and some of the more experienced painters whom I have had class with before. The class I’m in is mixed, meaning that anyone who has already taken Painting I is in the class, so it’s a general “Advanced Painting” class. That’s kind of cool in a way, because you’re with some of the same people but there are always newbies in the group. We all seem to have a similar attitude towards the professor, although my angst is a little deeper-seated as I’m the only one who has pissed him off by mentioning an artist. Sigh. Oh well. He only comes by once during the class period to talk to us about our work, so in general he kind of leaves us alone. I think I can deal with that.

Our latest assignment in my advanced composition class was to watch and analyze The Silence of the Lambs. Wow, what a great assignment. That’s been one of my faves since I was like 11 years old…I must have seen it about 50 times by now…so in a way, it’s kind of difficult to discuss it beyond what I’ve already done so far, because I know all the dialogue by heart and kind of get trapped thinking about that rather than the overall meaning. I guess that’s good for me, though…at least it will be a fun challenge. The teacher is pretty cool in general, so naturally she gives us interesting assignments. She has some very strong feminist tendencies, so I think she and my mother would get along great. (Translated: I certainly do not agree with all she says!)

That whole class is based around issues of gender, race, and sex, so there are many controversial things that we discuss. I’m just fine with that…I mean, it’s very interesting, and gets a lot of people involved in discussion, but…still… Like I mentioned, there are some heavy feminist undertones to everything that I don’t particularly care for. It might seem kind of backward to people that someone like me would feel that way, but the simple fact is that I am not a feminist. I guess in a way, I could be considered that, but certainly not in an overt or intentional way. I am a female who happens to have interests typically reserved for males, resulting in situations where I am either the only female present, or at least one of very few. I am happy with that, in fact, I am very comfortable in that. Almost everyone I associate with accepts me as “one of the guys” for lack of a better phrase. I don’t use the fact that I’m female to push issues or get people to side with me or sympathize with me…I think that’s a stupid and weak tactic, and I really don’t feel good about doing those types of things. I’m not a fan of head games or manipulation of any sort.

I think in general, though, the guys do treat me a little different because I am female…they are nicer or more attentive to me than the other males, but that could just be they are happy that they have something in common with a female and find it interesting that they can talk to a female about their interests and hobbies, whereas most of them probably don’t meet too many girls who will actually understand or care about what they have to say. In a way, I have a large advantage in those situations that I could use to manipulate people, but I can’t fathom doing that. Being that I’m heterosexual too, this is also an advantage for me in terms of ratios, meaning I can have my pick from any number of guys, but that’s also a little too weak for me. I’d rather just feel like part of the group than be thought of as “the girl” or “the flirt” or any of those types of things. That alone probably makes me unusual, but one must also keep in mind that I am very introverted. Maybe if I were more of an extrovert, I would exhibit more of the “flirty” type of behavior…..but maybe not. Regardless…that isn’t who I am. I prefer to be more subtle about things than overt, although those of you who know me well will agree that I certainly have had some very “ballsy” moments.

I finally tried my first glass of ovaltine. It’s pretty decent, although I must say, I don’t like it as much as regular chocolate milk. The type I tried is “Rich Chocolate” and even that is a bit too malty for me. Oh well…that’s all right, I guess.

A somewhat decent weekend. Yesterday I went to Appleton and bought some PS2 stuff including a new controller and two games. I played Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance for quite awhile and found it rather entertaining…a lot like Diablo II actually. XD But then I got restless so I took a walk down to the edge of campus at about 10 PM and got a sandwich. It’s really nice taking a walk in the dark when no one’s around…it’s very peaceful. Last night I had to ignore some drunks going party hopping, but in general, it was quite nice, especially considering the fact that it had rained almost all afternoon. The air was pleasantly cool and comfortable.

Today was a bit interesting. I went home this afternoon to pick up some things, and on my way, I saw that one of our neighbor’s cows was out eating grass in the ditch. So mom, dad, and I went over and corralled the steer into the barn. The neighbors were not there at the time, so they’ll have a nice surprise when they find one of their cows running loose in the barn. :-D Cow chasing is a somewhat regular occurrance around my house, although it’s not something that most people get a chance to participate in. It’s kind of thrilling, while at the same time a little scary, because you never know what the cow is going to do if it is spooked. In general, cows are afraid of humans, as they don’t realize just how much larger than us they are. They really aren’t that smart, which can be a bonus, but it can also be a danger as well. It was fun though.

We also got some new kitties from another farm this weekend, so I spent some time playing with them. They are cute! :3

I also cleaned up my room a little and went over to the art building and stretched and primed a canvas. Hopefully I’ll be able to get started on my Giger-esque self-portrait on Tuesday. I decided I really don’t care if I get a low grade in that class, I’m just going to paint whatever I want in the way I want to. If my prof has a problem with that, well, I guess he’ll just continue to yell at me all semester, but I guess it’s not that big of a deal. I have some cool ideas which he will probably hate, so I’ll just have to stick with it and not get too dissuaded. I’ll need some support from friends to keep going, but I’m sure I won’t have trouble getting people to side with me. :-)

Oh yeah, look at the date! It’s Friday the 13th. Well, nothing too terrible has happened to me so far; let’s hope it stays that way.

After much inner debate, I decided that in order to hold onto what’s left of my sanity, I needed to clear up my schedule a little. So I resigned from the gallery board and dropped my photography class. I don’t feel too bad about that, as I can always take it next semester if I have room, plus now I have a little more time in which to catch up with things like eating. XD

My sleep schedule seems to have gotten back to normal as the week progressed. I was dead on my feet on Monday, as I had gotten very little sleep over the weekend; the sleep I did get began between 3-5 AM Fri, Sat, and Sun. But now things seem to be fine. We’ll see how this weekend goes.

I got a really cool idea for a series of paintings the other day. I discussed it with a few people already, and most agree that it is a strong concept, although what I’m going to actually use for the content is kind of up in the air. It seems like I have hundreds of half-formed concepts and little kernels of ideas floating around in my tired brain, but I have trouble fleshing them out to full-fledged ideas. I really don’t know what that means, though, but I do know that I’ve had some ideas percolating for years already. I wonder if this will continue for the rest of my life, or at some point, I’ll become better at translating the craziness bouncing around in my brain.

It’s been an up-and-down type of week. There were moments in which I was aggravated beyond belief, but also moments in which I was very content. It was still one of those “beginning of school” types of weeks, where bills had to be paid, forms filled out, papers mailed, etc, which is no fun at all. However, I am pretty settled into my habitat now, and I’m enjoying having a fast internet connection again. XD My C.A. (Community Advisor) in my dorm is very cool, too, which is good because I live right next door to her. Not like I’m in my room all that often anyhow, but it’s still nice. When I moved into my room, there was no door on my closet, and apparently there won’t be in the future, because they are now seen as a “fire hazard.” Heh. Also, I guess the cops were tired of underage boozers hiding in the closets when they bust drinking parties. :-D People still smoke right outside my window, but next week we will get to vote on the smoking policy, so believe you me…I will be there to cast my vote.

My emotions were a little more stable this week than last week, which was an improvement. I felt like crying out of frustration on Sunday night when it was approaching 4 AM — okay, this was actually Monday morning — because I couldn’t sleep. That was probably the worst thing, well…until later on when my painting professor said he hated Giger’s work and thought he was a talentless hack. Of course, this translated to me because I identify heavily with it…and immediately we were off on the wrong foot. I don’t know if this grittiness will remain throughout the semester, but I don’t think he thinks too highly of me so far.

Oh yeah, and the display on my mac crapped out completely on Friday night. GAH!

Aside from those three things, it was a good week. Tiring, but good. It was fun getting back into my design class. The professor is very cool and laid back, plus I already know all the people in class because we’ve been together for 3 semesters or more, depending. They are a fun group of people, and even though it’s a night class, we still have a good time. The time goes by reasonably fast when we have things to do.

And Hachi lent me some of his Playstation games, so I started Legend of Mana last night. It’s pretty good so far–I found it difficult to put the controller down and go to bed last night, so that’s a good sign I guess. :-) I really wish I had more time for gaming.

Oh yeah, and I apologize to anyone who visits any of my websites and you notice a lack of updates…well…I’ve been busy. So there. :-P

But in all seriousness, I will surely try to update as much as I can. Please be patient! XD (psst…frog & yokaze)

Well…

Classes have started. I got moved into my new dorm room okay, although a bit slower this time as I was a little less excited about packing and such, plus parking was a huge nightmare. I had my computers and entertainment center hooked up by suppertime, so all in all it wasn’t too bad. I do like having my own room, but the location of mine kind of sucks. I am directly next to the front entrance to the building, so everyone can see inside my window unless the curtains are drawn, and people go out and smoke right next to my window, so I get a lovely whiff of smoke every once in awhile. Gah. I guess that’s what I get though, considering I was the one who chose the room for the convenience.

One thing I’m really concerned about this semester (even more so than others) is time. I think I may have gotten myself in over my head with everything I’ve decided to get involved in. My classes are going to be a major pain in the ass in terms of workload, which I knew from the start…but also, I’m involved in the Computer Science Club again, working part time, and now I’m part of this art gallery board, which chooses the artists who will exhibit in our school’s gallery. Here’s where I wish to myself there was a better way of balancing the workload because this is how my life works: during the school year I am going out of my mind with so much to do and not enough time, but then when summer comes along, I am bored and listless because there is nothing I’m required to do, other than go to work. There is no in between, and I hate it.

Being that I work much better with deadlines, having things to do is good because I’m productive, but it’s hard on me. Although I know that this is going to be a hard semester, I still don’t really know the extent of the challenge since things have only begun and I’m still acclimating myself to my surroundings and situations. So really, I just kind of have to go with the flow for awhile until I have a better idea of what to expect.

As far as professors go, mine seem to be rather decent this time around. There’s only one that really grates on my nerves, but I don’t know him that well, so it may just be that I’m not accustomed to his personality yet. He’s just a little too outspoken for me, but then again, I’m rather introverted so that’s no big shocker. I hope to learn some useful things but still keep enough of my sanity to enjoy the learning process.

My spirit is kind of sagging at the moment as I think about all the work ahead of me and all the things I’ll have to do that I’d rather steer clear of. Although I don’t want to return to the listless void of this past summer, I still want to hold on to some of my free time. I probably will not be able to chat with people online as much as I’d like or even play games with any regularity. My webpages will not be updated as frequently. I’ll be napping more and more, drinking more and more Mountain Dew, and skipping more and more meals. Sheesh, the college lifestyle is so unhealthy.

One thing that really got on my nerves was that my university cut off access to IRC this year. Their excuse was too many people were using fservs. Whatever. Sure, it was nice when I could download things off dalnet (i.e. Farscape) but now I have a real, legitimate reason to use IRC…chatting. How ironic is that? Well, anyway…Jules helped me find a way to get past the block, so I’m back using mIRC again, although it’s incredibly slow. I don’t care, really…I’m just happy to be on at all. When I thought that I wouldn’t be able
to use IRC at school, it made me incredibly upset…disturbingly so. Can’t believe I’m that addicted already in such a short amount of time.

Well…I have to go to work tomorrow morning, for the first time this week. It’ll be nice to do something familiar, but at the same time I’d rather just sit here in my room and relax.

Ack, will I ever be satisfied with anything?

In good news, though…Will started a free form email roleplaying game this week, which is turning out to be really fun. I’ll have that to look forward to every day. Jules drew me a lovely picture in Open Canvas (thank you so much!). And Will took some fun pics of himself hugging his jar of ovaltine. XD (Don’t worry, I won’t link them on here.)

I’m a little nervous about my photography and painting classes in particular. For painting, we are required to have 10 paintings by the end of the semester, (3-4 excellent ones). This is impossible for me for two reasons. Number one, there’s nothing I like more than working on a large scale. Secondly, the way I paint is by use of layers (translation…very slow). I spend a lot of time with each painting, trying to make it as perfect as I envision it in my head. It often fails to live up to my ideal, but a lot of times it is well worth the effort I put into it. But I guess in order to pass the class with a decent grade, I’m going to have to cut some corners here and there. I guess there’s not a whole lot I can do about that. As far as photography goes…well, my biggest problem right now is that I don’t have a camera. :-( All I have is my digital camera and that’s not going to do me any good for 35mm black and white pictures, is it? Well…I won a camera off eBay this week, and will be sending out the money order tonight if I get a chance. But that means, it will take more than a week before I can get ahold of it. That sucks because we are supposed to shoot our first roll of film by Monday. ^_^;

I’ll at least have some time to run to the photo supply place on Tuesday morning, but until then I really can’t do anything. I guess it’s not really worth worrying about at this point since it’s still really early in the semester, but given my working habits, that is certainly time that could be well-spent working.

Also, I’m considering resigning from the gallery board simply due to lack of time. I so want to do that, but it just conficts with everything and is such a commitment to make. I feel really horrible about doing that, but I’m thinking it may be the right choice at this time. I’m not sure what else I could do to open up my schedule any further without ruining my plans to graduate within…like 8 years…

I’m already feeling tired and worn, and it’s only been two days! I’m at least getting used to the place where I live, which is a good thing, but there are still things I’m having trouble dealing with. I have trouble a lot of times with big changes or new situations, but I’m getting a lot better at dealing with them than I have been in the past. Compared to most people my age, I’m kind of lagging behind but given my upbringing, I feel I’ve come a long way. It’s just very difficult being an introvert in this world.