I’ve just remembered how much fun I have learning new things. I’m reading through Active Server Pages For Dummies. Okay, well, maybe that isn’t the most fun thing in the world to be learning (in all honesty, I’d rather be reading a book on PHP, but I don’t have much of a choice at the moment) but, at least it’s something. I find myself getting distracted really easily…it’s too much of a temptation to look up from the book every half hour or so and check my email. But when I really concentrate and pay attention to what I’m reading, I am happy because things make sense. I don’t know what that says about me, having to start with a “Dummies” book to learn ASP, but hey, I’ve never programmed before so I have no basis to build on. So far I’ve sailed through about 70 pages, and I’ve already learned way more than any of the online documentation I read last week could teach me.

I’m a creative person, dammit…a visual learner. I need real examples, not just a list of syntax. I need to see it in action for it to make sense–I need context. I don’t know yet if a creative/artist-type can make a good programmer, but…I guess if the person can visualize the problem and solution as they’re typing code into the computer, then I don’t see why not. That’s how I write my HTML…I simply picture what I want the page to look like then “draw” it with code…I can’t think of a better way to describe it.

But back to the topic–laziness. I know I’m capable of so much more than I’m giving right now. When I put forth an effort, things usually end up working out in my favor, and I’m well-aware of this fact. I realize that I can learn things fairly quickly and implement the knowledge gained in useful ways that could make my life easier or simply more interesting and diverse. So why do I hesitate to take the step forward?

The best example of this that comes to mind at the moment is crocheting. I can’t say I’ve necessarily “mastered” the single stitch technique, but I’ve become fairly proficient at it. I finally know how to keep the tension correct to get an even stitch across a section of fabric. (Stitch is probably the wrong word to be using here, but since I don’t know what the correct term should be, I’ll stick with it.) Now that I have that in hand, what is keeping me from moving on and learning a new technique? I have several books describing patterns and step-by-step instructions that would be very easy to follow. I could take the easy way out and say I’m happy with what I know so far. That wouldn’t be a complete lie, as I am pleased with that, but it’s not the whole truth. It’s because learning a new method takes effort, and I’m just too lazy to put forth the effort unless I’m forced to or know without a doubt it’s knowledge I won’t be able to live without. I guess that’s one of the biggest reasons my portfolio is full of class work and very little outside work. It’s because I’ve stopped experimenting on my own, and only do things when they’re required.

I really really hate this about myself and want to do something about it before it gets out of control. (I feel like I’m on a downward spiral already.) I guess up till now I haven’t had any motivation to keep improving myself. In general, my job is not geared towards creativity (at least in the way I crave it) and by the time I get home at night, I’m exhausted from lack of stimulation, so therefore I just don’t feel like doing anything except gaming or watching movies.

The other day, Jules said something to me that made me really think. He loves to draw, and he does it all the time. And he’s really good. I wondered to myself, well, how on earth does he stick with it? I mean, yes, he likes to do it, but with the kind of lives we all live these days, sometimes that’s not enough. Where’s his motivation? Well, he told me that he made a deal with himself. Either he does at least one drawing a day or he tells someone one of his secrets.

I was floored. That was exactly the sort of thing I was searching for.

See, no one is forcing him to draw. He’s found a motivation from within, something non-tangible enough that anyone but he could not be directly influenced by it, but strong enough to keep him going. I resolved then that I needed to find something like this for myself. This laziness is not something that has just crept up and suddenly shown itself, (it’s been with me as long as I can remember) but it’s gotten progressively worse over time. I need to discover motivation before I become *GASP* an average person. That is NO way to live life.

One thing I’ve wanted to try for a long time now is airbrushing. I’ve recently fallen head over heels in love with H.R. Giger’s work, and now that I know that he works primarily in that technique, I really want to try it out for myself. I don’t know if I’d be any good at it, but of course the only way to know is to try. The equipment required for that can be rather pricy, however, and at this point, that’s about the only major thing that’s holding me back (aside from the laziness factor of course). I can lie and say I won’t have enough time, but I won’t do that. That’s a load of crap…I can make time if I truly want to. Forget about food or sleep…if it’s important enough, that doesn’t matter.

Airbrush requires an air compressor, of course. The one problem I forsee with getting into this type of art (after purchasing the equipment) is the noise factor. Those things are rather loud, in case you’ve never heard one before. My dad has a fairly large one he uses for inflating tires on the cars and tractors, etc, which I could easily use for this purpose. However, I most certainly could not get away with using it in my dorm room (noise, space, and poor ventilation are problems there) or at home either, since I do most of my work late at night and would keep people awake. Sure, these are legitimate reasons for holding myself at bay for now, but are they real reasons or just clever rationalizations? I could, and should just say, “Screw the circumstances, I’m gonna learn this, dammit!”

I need to have that attitude more often, not just when something bothers me enough that I have to do something about it or risk going insane. It’s going to be completely up to me to live my life with that type of outlook…I need to stop being so introverted and self-conscious. One of my biggest fears has always been appearing stupid in other people’s eyes. I’ve always cared way too much about what other people think of me, and have gotten hurt many times because of it. I am getting better with that…I’m taking risks now that I wouldn’t have dared to take a few years ago…but I have a long way to go.

But for now, I’m going to make an effort to make an effort. That’s the best I can do.

It’s that in-between time of year again, where summer is almost over, but school has not yet begun. By my count, classes don’t start for another two weeks, so I’m trapped between wanting to enjoy the last little bit of summer and getting back into “school” mode. I have this dread of going back because I know all my free time will vanish immediately and I’ll be living on Mountain Dew and cheese and crackers for 10 months. I usually start feeling really lethargic towards the end of summer, as it’s usually SSDD (same shit, different day). My brain keeps reminding me of all the things I wanted to do during the break from school, but my body doesn’t want to listen, it wants to stay plopped down in front of my computer playing video games. I get easily bored and have limited patience.

So what is there to do about that? Not much, except to wait it out. A new semester always brings with it new experiences and surprises, not to mention taking a major dip out of my savings. There’s always something going on, which makes life interesting, though very tiring. I have the type of personality that causes me to always want to be doing something, so life at school is perfect because I’m always busy whether I want to be or not. I feel less tired when I have a full “To-do” list than when I am just sitting at my job all day waiting for something interesting to do. I feel more alive and creative when I’ve gotten only five hours of “school” sleep than seven hours of “summer” sleep.

In the meanwhile, I’ve started playing Dungeon Siege again, and have started sketching again. I’d gotten out of the habit of drawing ever since I got a computer of my own, so I pretty much have to force myself to do it now. At times I remember why it is I wanted to be an artist, and I feel great. Machines make things so easy these days that I tend to forget what it’s like to go in there and get my hands dirty doing a real piece of art. Based on my emotional state over the past month, I’ve come up with an idea for a painting, which will hopefully give me a starting point once school begins, as I have another painting class this fall. I did a few sketches for it the other day (which turned out like crap, but who cares) so I at least have the idea down on paper.

Speaking of sketching…I was pointed to a really cool, simple drawing program the other day called Open Canvas. It took a lot of adjustments learning how to use my tablet again, and I’m still not all that great with it, but it is a lot of fun. It allows you to do a collaborative piece with another artist over a network, which is really cool, but I don’t feel ready to do that yet as I feel very self-conscious when others watch me draw (or do anything, for that matter). Soon, though.

I cried myself to sleep last night. It was one of the saddest nights I’ve had in more than two years. I was not doing too well at all. It doesn’t pay to discuss the circumstances because they’re beyond trivial at this point. The main thing to focus on right now is the fact that I’m not going to let this keep me down. I’m a fairly resilient person, and while I can dwell on things to a huge degree, sometimes if things are bad enough, my brain just gives up on it and tells me to move on. So move on I shall.

Had it not been for my most recent conversations with Jules, though, I probably wouldn’t be at this point. I owe a lot to him, even though we only just started conversing a couple days ago! I can already tell he is going to be one of the most special friends I’ll ever have in life, even if I never actually get the chance to meet him in real life. :-)

I never really have terror-type nightmares, like being chased by monsters or that type of thing, but I do often have dreams that are so depressing or sad, they become nightmares to my sensibilities. These are the types that invlolve psychological torment rather than dealing with the threat of physical harm, which most people associate with the word nightmare.

When I do have dreams like this, I often will wake up in the morning with a cloud hanging over my whole existence. Everything feels gray and hazy, and the whole world seems dull and out of focus. And I feel sad. It is unbelievably hard for me to shake this feeling, and sometimes it can stay with me for several days if it’s disturbing enough.

Well, once again, I had one of these dreams the other night. It’s been a long time since I’ve been truly depressed…I haven’t been since high school…but this brought those feelings back to the surface. There wasn’t much action in the dream, it was more about the feelings than anything else.

Basically, I was with my close friends (a group of four males), and they flat-out told me that they didn’t want to hang out with me anymore because they thought I was too depressing.

This was incredibly hurtful to me for several reasons. First of all, this really did happen to me in high school, with a different group of friends. (It was a group of conformist girls who turned out to back-stabbing bitches with serious problems of their own, but that didn’t make it any less devastating.) Secondly, I tend to be the person in our group with the sunny demeanor most of the time. When I’m with them, I’m very happy because they are fun to be around. If anything, I should not have been the person they turned on, if that was indeed the real reason they were dumping me.

Lastly, in my experience, being friends primarily with guys is very different than with girls. Guys are much less emotional and open, but they seem to be more loyal and stable, with less tendency to form little conspirational groups to gang up on their so-called friends. They mainly seem to get along with most people and if there is some kind of trouble, it’s taken care of more quickly and directly than it is with females, who like to put on a front and play mind games rather than deal with the problem. I HATE that kind of stuff…in fact, I find it a highly loathsome and dispicable act.

But enough about that…there’s no point in wasting my time grumbling about something that happened so far in the past, even if it has affected my life so profoundly. The point of even bringing that subject up is to demonstrate just how much it bothers me. If this happened to me again, with the friends I have now, I’m afraid I would seriously have to re-evaluate my value system and my ability to judge character in other people, especially those I feel I know well.

The only thing that really made my day bearable after waking from this dream was being able to talk about it. When I brought it up in the art channel I’ve been visiting, people were very compassionate and quick to offer me kind words. Jules, in particular, was very helpful. I talked to him for quite awhile about it, and soon I was feeling much better about my life in general. It was so comforting to have someone there who understands me and can offer me real words of encouragement. There are a lot of things that have been on my mind in the last month that have caused me a lot of uncertainty, and it just feels good to lay them all out on the table and get another person’s perspective.

So thank you so much Jules, it meant a lot to me. You’re a great person.

This is most definitely an understatement, but hair is very important to me. I love hair. And I don’t just mean I love hair, I LOVE HAIR! Most of the time I love my own hair: long, thick, straight, silky smooth, and blonde. (Of course, it’s not naturally blonde, but what does that matter?) Aside from it not cooperating worth a damn because it’s very fine as well, I have to say it’s my favorite physical attribute. Personally, I don’t care much if other people see it that way, but in my own little world, I’m very happy with it. I think if I ever went bald, I’d be traumatized.

In other people, I find hair to be one of the things I’m very attracted to as well. At the risk of sounding a little creepy, I think little girls with long hair are one of the most beautiful things in the world. (No, not in a sick way you perv–in the way that an artist sees beauty in anything in her surroundings, regardless of what it happens to be.) This is probably because I was never allowed to have long hair when I was young and I’m projecting a little: looking at them and wondering what it would have been like if I’d had hair like that when I was little. Yet another thing I was deprived of as a child.

Aside from girls with long hair, there’s nothing I find more beautiful than a guy with big poofy Einstein-looking hair. I don’t know exactly how this came to be, but all I know is that I have a “thing” for mad scientist ‘do’s: hair that is wavy or curly, that stands out in any which direction, creating a disheveled “I just woke up” kind of look; the kind of hair that I could get lost in for days if I ran my fingers through it. And that’s exactly what I do…when permitted, of course. :-) My first boyfriend had a great head of hair, with just the right amount of poofiness. One of my favorite things about being with him was being able to give him head massages and just losing myself in that mass of hair! (My second boyfriend had pretty average hair: thick, brown, and clean, but alas, no poofiness to it.)

One thing I look forward to in a relationship is being able to play with my guy’s hair. :-D My current interest has just the perfect mix of curl and poof that makes it irresistible. I’m very excited.

GAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I’m so tired today I feel like the walking dead. I seriously have a z0mb13 complex this morning or something like that. BRAINS!!!!

Okay, time for an explanation. On a whim, I bought Silent Hill 2 (PS2) on Saturday night. It seemed like it might be a cool game, and besides, a few people recommended it awhile ago. The price wasn’t too bad either, which also made the purchase more tempting.

So, yeah…I also bought the new Farscape PC game that night, and I started playing that first. When I got to the section of the game that I had just finished the previous day in the demo, I got a little tired of it, so I popped in SH2 and started playing. YOWZA! I basically had to force myself to go to bed around 2:30 in the morning or I would easily have played it all night.

Well, I got up fairly late on Sunday, and guess what I did for the next seven hours! Yes, that’s correct. I have to say, yes, the game is rather creepy, which I like a lot, but really, it’s the puzzles and the exploration required to progress through the game that had me hooked. :-) The only reason I stopped was because my head was beginning to ache due to focusing my vision on the TV for that long with only short breaks for food. If I didn’t have to work the following morning, I certainly would have taken a short break and gone right back to it again, but…sigh…it wasn’t to be. Instead, someone pointed me to What’s Better? and I sat up for another hour or two messing around with that! The site reminds me a little of Am I Hot or Not? in its approach…and it was nearly as addicting to me as SH2 was. Closing my browser window was almost painful as I made myself step away from all electronic devices for the night.

In other news, I think tonight my dad will be helping me build a loft for my dorm room at school. That’ll be cool, although I don’t like sleeping up that high. That’s okay, though, because the real reason I’m lofting the bed is because I want to be able to fit my couch in there, and it’ll be easier to just sleep on that.

Speaking of dorm life, in a way I’m really looking forward to going back to school again as the summer is beginning to wear on my nerves, but then again, I know I won’t have any free time whatsoever once that happens. Eh, I can’t win. Oh well, this will be the start of my first senior year, so it should be pretty cool, even if I still don’t feel like I’m almost done with college. When I was a senior in high school, I felt old, and I was really ready to graduate and get the fark outta that hole. Right now, I don’t feel like I’m already in my early 20s and about to enter the real world for good. I still feel like an awkward freshman, although I have a lot of experience under my belt. Like I mentioned in a previous entry, I guess I’ll always be stuck at 19 years of age, despite the situation. I guess I’m okay with that, as long as I’m not treated that way by other people when I’m 30.

Okay, well…I guess IRC is used for something other than downloading Farscape episodes…

Last week hachi introduced me to the lovely world of chatting with actual people on IRC. He normally hangs out in an art channel, and thought that since I was an artist, I would have some interesting things to talk about with his buddies. Well, it’s been a week and a day now, and all I can say is, he was right. (But what else is new?) I’ve been chatting every day for several hours at least, and meeting some really cool and interesting people.

It’s kind of been an off week for me. There’s a lot of stuff going on inside me both emotionally and mentally right now, which also triggers a physical reaction, meaning I can’t sleep or eat normally. (Not that I have the diet or sleeping patterns of a normal person in the first place, of course, but it’s even worse than normal.) Mainly this concerns something good that’s happening in my life right now, but also my dad is having trouble with his foot, and needs help doing the farm work, which has kind of thrown things off a bit at home. Well, nothing to do but let everything run its course at this point.

I saw “Signs” all by myself on Friday becuase I had the afternoon off. I really liked it, but only after I made myself stop comparing it to “The Sixth Sense”. I hope to see it again this coming weekend with my guys.

Oh yeah, and Happy 21st Birthday, Dave!